The Humanbus stopped right next to the charred husk of the gas station I’d blown up. From the windows, I could see the black pond that my Spin the Wheel had created.
“Is it me or has that gotten bigger?” I asked, as I walked to the front of the bus where the large brain filled the driver seat.
“It’s not just you.”
[THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING YOUR LOCAL BUS SERVICE!]
I reached over and dug my fist into the brain, before pulling as hard as I could.
[OUCHIE!]
The entire Humanbus started to rumble and the ghostly passengers all got up and flew towards the brain I’d destroyed, filling it up from within.
I immediately dove out of the door and tumbled head-over-heels a few times, before the entire bus just exploded, filling the area with light. Chunks of flesh rained down around me, along with fragments of the metallic parts of the vehicle.
Rules of Anarchy Deactivated!
Passive Deselected: Commuter Pass
Description:
Public Transport will function as normal for you.
Rule Violation:
Used your Commuter Pass to damage a Public Transport vehicle.
“Woops.”
“Sure seems very strict for something based on ‘Anarchy’,” Panda joked.
“Can I switch to another Rule?”
“Not yet, there’s still about 40 minutes left.”
“I thought you wanted to use the Safe Zone Sphere on the Humanbus,” Panda commented, dusting himself off despite the fact that he was already spotless.
“I’ll just call another one,” I said, right as an achievement appeared.
Congratulations! You have unlocked an achievement! x
‘The Bus Ride Breaker’
Completed a Humanbus puzzle game.
Wait, that’s the wrong reward! You clearly didn’t even take part in the puzzle!
Bah, whatever.
This marks the end of the Humanbusses in Castleburg. Congratulations... You’re responsible for the two roaming the city being taken down. I hope you’re proud of yourself. That’s right, no more Humanbusses!
As a result of their routes being abandoned, the Metro Train has grown stronger and now patrols a larger part of the city. This is what happens when you create a vacuum in the ecosystem of the GREAT GAME.
Reward: ‘Humanbus Brain’ & 80x ‘GAME Coins’
‘Humanbus Brain’ x
The brain of a Humanbus that you didn’t defeat by completing its Puzzle Game. An ember of sentience still swims around within this pink ball of flesh.
In order to access the power trapped within, you have to give it a name and kiss it on its forehead.
Weight: 1 Panda
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A large pumpkin-sized gooey ball of pink flappy flesh landed in my arms.
“…or not,” I muttered, sticking the reward in my inventory for now.
“There might still be a Humanbus or two in Madeville, since it didn’t say the entire Region, just Castleburg.”
“Ugh, I don’t wanna go there,” I replied, as I got back to my feet. “Is Skater Boy ready?”
“Still on cooldown. About 5 minutes remaining.”
“Guess I’ll run,” I said and started sprinting towards where the remains of my fight with the Ants were visible in the distance.
The area was cratered from the various landing pods, which were still firmly planted into the ground like the seeds from a gigantic tree. With the damaged road nearby, the destroyed gas station behind me, and the ruin brought to what had once been a hilly bit of shrubbery and grass, it looked like a scene from a war documentary.
Though the Aphid-Dogs, Minor Warden, and Queenguard were all gone, there were a group of Ants standing near where I’d died. Above them hovered a desk lamp, casting its warm light in a circle around them.
I frowned, but prepared to blast them away with Brock, who was still fully charged from earlier.
“Where’s Bee!” I yelled as I ran directly at them.
“Amoral Pervert detected!” said the Ants as one, lifting their spears.
“Don’t move!” I heard a human voice yell, before the Ants parted to let him out of the circle they formed. “Gambit! Is that you!?”
As I saw the smooth bald head and Hawaiian shirt, I gritted my teeth so hard I was sure my jaw would break.
“STEVE!”
I crouched down to activate SPRING_HEEL, then launched forward with my fist cocked back.
His eyes widened in fear, before he shouted: “Steve says: You have to be my friend!”
The tension went out of my arm and I ended up just landing on my feet and skidding to a halt in front of him.
“I WIILL FUCKING KILL YOU!” I shouted right into his face, though I was physically unable to move in any hostile manner towards him.
“I’m sorry, Gambit! I really didn’t mean to get you killed!”
“Fuck you!” I yelled. “Where is Bee!?”
“The Moth girl? The big orange-glowing creature took her onto some kind of pod with a chain leading back to the ship in the sky. They were pulled up there and then the whole thing just disappeared.”
“Son of a bitch!” I cursed. “This is all your fault!”
“I said I’m sorry!”
“He might be telling the truth,” Panda said, trying to calm me down, though I wasn’t having any of that bullshit.
“As soon as this power wears off, I’m going to tear out your tongue and slap you to death with it!”
“Gambit please! You have to believe me! Look, I even saved your items for you!” he pleaded, pointing to the group of Ants.
With a roar of impotent frustration, I marched towards them, punching one so hard he was sent ragdolling across the terrain.
“Tell the rest of them to run towards the black pond next to the gas station,” I said to Steve.
I put my fingers in my ears as he gave the command, and the Minor Collectors all moved back the way I’d come, following his orders.
Then I saw what they’d been guarding.
“Why does it look like that? What did you do?” I asked, looking down at my corpse. The head was missing and it looked like all the stuffing inside the body was gone.
“I didn’t do anything! After you died, this golden portal appeared and a bunch of Imps came out to ‘repossess’ your skeleton.”
“Oh…”
“I kind of thought that part of the Passive was a joke,” Panda said.
I rapped my left knuckle on my forehead, producing a sound of metal-on-metal. “Well, I still have the passive at least, but that’s a strange caveat.”
Above my corpse was a gold-glowing wisp.
I turned to look back at Steve, who was keeping his distance. “Did you take anything?”
“No, I didn’t take anything!”
I sighed loudly, before saying, “I should kill you for what you did, but thanks for protecting my items.”
“Matthew Twine did manage to take something,” he then said.
“Motherfucker!”
“I don’t know what it was, but he fled as soon as I got close.”
I stuck my hand into the Leftover Wisp and looted everything in quick succession. As far as I could tell, everything was still there, even the Coins. After equipping my Unicorn Suit, Schmonic Boots, Loincloth, Manhunter’s Badge, and rings, Lordie appeared on my head. The Transport Cage was back in my front coat pocket.
“Meow!” he complained
“Just be happy you didn’t die,” I told him.
I brought up my inventory to assess the damage.
Gambit’s Inventory x
---
????, unFake Plugin, Looking Glass, Conspiracy Whistle, Wet Grey Pajamas, Screwdriver, Pocket-Watch, Survival Kit, 6x Victory Champagne, Swan Fois Gras, Challenger’s Stopwatch, Paper Crown, Cultist Robes, Soul Compass, Sewer Map, Floor 13 Keycard, Regional Director’s Big Red Button, Safe Zone Sphere, I-Love-Sparkles Cap, Clean Pajamas, Humanbus Brain
---
GAME Coins: 2638.01
Safe Zone Tokens: 5
Lucky Dice: 1
Total Weight: 303.9215 Pandas
“Hmm, I have no idea what’s missing.”
“The Red Pawn and the Anointed Masks,” Panda said.
“Thieving bastard!”
I tapped my Manhunter’s Badge, feeling it vaguely nudging me upwards. I looked the way it was pointing, but there was nothing there but the night sky, Messimer’s eye, and the descending moon. Still, I knew it was locked onto Bee.
“Ask him if he found a Transponder around here,” Panda said.
“I didn’t,” Steve replied.
I blinked slowly as realization set in. “You can see him?”
“I ran out of Sanity Pills…”
“Well, shit.”
“Are you going to rescue your friend? The spaceship is gone.”
“I’ll find a way to get it to come back somehow.”
“What about Matthew?”
“Fuck him.”
“So are we good? You’re not gonna punch me in the nuts again, right? That fudging hurt.”
“You owe me,” I told him. “So you’re coming along and helping me fix this mess you created.”
“That’s giving him way more blame than he’s owed,” Panda defended the guy.
“Bee wouldn’t have been captured and I wouldn’t have died, if he hadn’t done what he did.”
Steve lowered his head.
I looked up at the lamp floating above him, casting its light around us.
“Did you get that from the IKEA?”
“Yeah… I thought it would be better than it actually is. But trust me, you don’t want to go there. The trouble was not worth the reward.”
Before I could reply, a sound caught my attention.
[OH BOY! OH BOY!]
Wheels screeched along the warped-and-melted road nearby, before a Taxi came thundering right at us, its headlights shining so bright that it was impossible to see.
Steve immediately cowered behind me, before the car spun on its front wheels and flung its passenger out on the ground before us. Then the Taxi exploded in a shower of flesh and metal, just like the Humanbus had.
The passenger got up from the ground and dusted herself off. She took a step to the side and, a second later, half a door cut through where she’d been standing.
“Ohai Gambit!”
“Tina?”