Behind the stage stood several derelict dressing rooms. Several minutes of searching revealed nothing of value. “On the other hand,” Clancy quipped after a violent bout of sneezing, “I think I’ve discovered an entirely new genus of allergens!”

Miles looked over a set of double doors. “I think this is the last place to search on this floor.”

Noninja sidled up to the lock and fiddled with it. “Eh, it’s not secured in any serious way.” The doors opened to reveal a cavernous storage room. A large pile of stage backdrops leaned against one wall. Varied types of furniture sat stacked in the rear. What appeared to be several potted plants were just props, with leaves made from cloth. Several folded-up curtains took up most of the rest of the space.

Lorarona scrunched her nose. “What the devil are those?” she asked, pointing into the darkness; the others followed her finger. Barely visible next to them, four dead bodies appear to be leaning against the wall, behind the plants.

Miles examined them closely. “Maybe it’s just me,” he proclaimed, “but they don’t smell too bad.”

Clancy poked at one. “Looks like someone’s been casting ‘gentle repose’ on them.” He turned to the others. “Just like with Tintso.”

“Why would anyone bother to preserve corpses?” Lorarona whined. “It’s so icky.”

“Perhaps until they can be made undead?” Noninja offered. “After all, this is probably Torun’s work.”

They exchanged disgusted expressions and searched the room.

“I found three more ‘cure light wounds’ potions,” revealed Miles as he closed the drawer of a small table.

Clancy clutched four metallic vases. “There are a bunch of these, but only four of them were worth anything.”

The team moved to leave the room. “You suppose all of this belongs to Torun?” Lorarona asked.

“Who cares?” Noninja shot back. “He thinks we’re just murder-hobos. He should expect us to steal everything not nailed down.”

As they neared the door, they heard a noise behind them. Whirling around, they realized one of the dead bodies had risen to his feet, and was now looking in their direction. They froze in place; an awkward silence passed.

Suddenly, the zombie spoke! “You think you’re having a bad day? I woke up dead! You don’t want to know what that’s like!” The team exchanged baffled expressions.

He produced a snuffed cigar from his fingers and pretended to take a drag on it. “My doctor said these things’ll kill me. I said hey, doc, too late!”

He perused their unsettled expressions for a few moments. “You’re a tough crowd. My last show was a failure, too. The audience was like a morgue! Come to think of it, it was the morgue.”

Lorarona let out a small giggle; the zombie bowed slightly. “My name is Yakov. Pleased to meet you!”

Miles chuckled. “You’re pretty funny, for a dead guy.”

The zombie gave Miles a wry look. “Thanks. It certainly limits my material, though. No more loquacious monologues about how hard it is to raise children these days!”

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

Lorarona looked at him with wonder. “But what are you doing here?”

He looked to his left nervously. “That crazy bloodrager thought I was a corpse! I thought it’d be safer to play dead. Now I’m stuck in here. But thanks for freeing me! Now I can get back to what I was doing!”

“Which was what?” Clancy asked, continuing to look baffled.

The zombie leveled his gaze at him. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You think club owners want to hire zombie comedians? I don’t know what’s more dead; me, or my career. And all because of my disastrous final show.”

“Really?” Noninja asked. “What happened?”

“I really brought down the house!” Yakov proclaimed. “All over me. What a letdown. I’ve never felt so crushed, know what I mean?”

“That seems highly unlikely,” Clancy replied curtly.

Yakov continued to glare at Clancy. “Good work, kid. I’m sure there’s a burgeoning industry for the fact-checking of comedians!”

Clancy looked down sadly. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He looked up, revelation gleaming in his eyes. “I think you’re the first undead I’ve ever met that didn’t immediately try to kill me. I’d love to hear about the experience!”

Yakov looked thoughtful as he took another drag from his extinguished cigar. “Well, at first, I couldn’t believe I was dead. It was like a bad joke. Then I realized it was serious. I thought, thank goodness; I can’t stand jokes like that!”

Yakov’s eyes seemed to gleam. “I’m OK with being dead. I figure, if that’s the worst thing that happens to me all day, I’m doing pretty good, right?” The team chuckled lightly.

“No one thinks of the upsides to being dead,” he continued, now on a roll. “You don’t have to lose those last ten pounds. You no longer have to fret about how to afford retirement. And no matter how much of a schmuck you were, everybody has to speak nicely of you.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Come to think of it, this was the best thing that ever happened to me! I should have done this years ago!”

The team laughed and clapped. “You’re really good!” Lorarona beamed. “I wish we could help your career.”

Yakov tipped his nonexistent hat. “Letting me out of here was help enough.”

Miles gazed uneasily at the stage. “But now we have to work our way back to where we came in.” He shuddered. “Including past Torun.”

“No need,” revealed Yakov, pointing past the double-doors. “Behind that pile of heavy furniture and other junk is a door leading straight to one of the side exits.”

Clancy winced. “That looks like it’ll take forever.”

Yakov sauntered up to the pile. “If you keep kvetching about it, it’ll take even longer!” He motioned to Miles. “Hey, beefcake! Want to get the other side of this?” Miles grinned as he joined Yakov. A few short minutes later, all the debris blocking the exit doors was cleared away. Noninja made short work of the locks.

“Hey, this is the spiral staircase we took to the second floor,” Clancy observed, “and the door where we entered.”

Yakov turned to Clancy and took another smokeless drag on his unlit cigar. “I could tell you were the brains of the group.” Light chuckles flitted from the group as Clancy looked down, his eyes glaring.

“Why are you picking on me?” Clancy demanded. “I get enough of that as it is.”

“Don’t take it personally, kid!” Yakov jested. “It’s just comedy!” He took another drag from his cigar. “Getting bullied is easy…dying is easy…comedy is hard!”

Yakov tipped his nonexistent hat one last time. “And with that, I’ll take my leave! Look for me touring on the cadaver circuit! At least, if there ever is one.” He walked through the exit door and disappeared.

“So?” Noninja announced. “Do we call it a day, or do we confront the one, maybe two, wights on the top floor?”

“I’m up for it,” Miles proclaimed. “May as well make it a clean sweep.”

“I’ve got my low-level anti-undead spells left,” Clancy revealed. “As long as I can stay in the back, I should be fine.”

“And they’re likely to have the best treasure,” Lorarona pointed out. “At least, that’s how it always works out in the ‘dungeon crawl’ magazines.”

Noninja surveyed his teammates with alarm. “Really? I was sure you were all going to say ‘no’.”

“Don’t ask a question unless you know what the answer will be,” Clancy pointed out. “That’s a golden rule for lawyers.”

Noninja looked over them one last time, then sighed. “Fine. Let’s get it over with.”

“That’s the spirit!” Miles cheered.