Lorarona completed her bass-guitar solo; the crowd clapped and cheered. She took a bow, then threw her instrument into the air, where it disintegrated. “Whoa, just in time,” she snickered. “When the ‘summon instrument’ spell is over, it’s over!” More laughter and cheering.

“I mostly just do bardic performances during combat,” she explained. “So there’s a chance I just accidentally sent the cat to the neighbor’s house.” Another explosion of laughter.

“So…” she said loudly, grinning as she beheld the audience, waiting for them to quiet down. “What’s the deal with adventurers meeting in a tavern? Has anyone noticed this?”

“We like to drink!” someone shouted.

She gestured in the direction of the voice. “That’s what I’m saying! But it’s a bad way to form a team! Allow me to demonstrate.”

She cleared her throat and did her impression of a drunk, arrogant male; she gestured in the air as if trying to get someone’s attention. “Pardon me, my good man! I can’t help but notice you enjoy imbibing intoxicating chemicals!” She assumed a hunched-over position and switched to a gravelly voice. “Sure do! I love it!” She stood tall again and resumed the arrogant voice. “Me too! Wow! We should team up, and get ourselves into dangerous situations!” She resumed the hunched-over gravelly voice. “I’ll drink to that!” She gave the audience a sly glance as he spoke in her own voice. “Oh yeah…that’s who I want to trust my life to!”

The crowd remained in stitches as she mimed taking multiple shots of alcohol and guzzling several beers. “Then, wouldn’t you know it? Some guy in fancy clothes bursts through the front door!” She adopted a fancy, upper-class accent, and waved an imaginary paper in the air. “I’m looking for stout adventurers for a dangerous quest!” She resumed the drunk, arrogant voice. “Yeah! Sounds great!…’cause that couldn’t be the alcohol talking!” She stared off into space, to punctuate the statement. “So waddya got?”

Back to the fancy accent. “I own the gold mine just out of town! But the miners have dug their way into an ancient dungeon!”

The crowd continued to guffaw fervently as she resumed the arrogant voice. “Minors? Well, there’s your problem! You shouldn’t have kids working for you!”

She smiled as she beheld the crowd. “OK, I’ll give you all a moment to catch your breath.” They responded with thunderous applause; she did a curtsy with an imaginary skirt.

Back to the fancy accent. “No, miners! People that mine! And now terrifying monsters are pouring out!” Once again, the arrogant voice. “Did you say gold?” The fancy accent again. “Yes! Please save my gold mine!” Arrogant drunk. “Did you hear that? Gold!” Gravelly drunk. “All the gold we can eat!”

Arrogant drunk. “Maybe we should wait for morning?” Mine owner. “No! Right now! Why do you think I ran here? Just for plot convenience?” Gravelly drunk. “Yeah! Let’s do it now! After all, the smoker I drink, the fighter I get!” Arrogant drunk. “Well put, my man! We’re off!” The crowd continued to laugh uproariously, finally settling down.

Lorarona glared cynically at the crowd. “And they wonder why they’re dead by the third encounter.” More laughter, intermixed with applause.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

She moved her arm with a flourish. “You’ve been a great audience; good night!” She took a bow; the thundering applause threatened to bring down the walls. She sauntered off stage and back to her teammates.

“Wow!” Rikki gushed. “That was incredible! If I didn’t like you so much, I’d hate you for making me follow that!”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Be back soon,” Rikki promised as he left them. “Time to show everyone what a ‘power ballad’ is!”

The MC reappeared on the stage. “Well, now…wasn’t that just something else?” The crowd’s applause exploded again, and trailed off slowly. “Next, in our cavalcade of wonder, for your entertainment…Rikki Putzhammer!” That coaxed out some spirited applause from the audience.

Rikki leaped onto the stage, holding what appeared to be a large, more complex lute; the team guessed it was the theorbo he mentioned earlier. He transfixed the audience with a single glance; they all went silent. Immediately, he began strumming a song, the heartfelt notes soaring across the room, melting their way into the corners, their warmth so tangible that the change in temperature could almost be felt. The mellifluous voice pouring out of him stunned the team; they had grown somewhat accustomed to the whiny, self-important pitch of his standard patois. Truly, this was a side of Rikki they had never seen before, much less expected.

Before he had even reached the first chorus, the crowd was eating out of his hand. Their arms waved in the air, swaying in time with the rhythm, the audience completely lost in his performance. The music built to a soaring, spirited solo, ending with a flourish of complex, intertwined notes that lingered for some time. The crowd erupted into applause; Rikki took his bows as his beaming smile threatened to set the room itself on fire.

Finally he made his way to the back wall, after pressing flesh with several adoring fans. “You see that?” he gushed to the team. “Now that’s how it’s done!”

“And to think, we got to meet you before you became famous,” Lorarona exulted.

Rikki blushed and batted his hand at her. “Oh, you.”

The MC reappeared on the stage. “Wow…wasn’t that great, ladies and gentlemen?” The crowd’s applause erupted anew, and took some time to settle down. Rikki pointed off to the side, to two seething lads. The team recognized them as the toughs that flanked Lyle on that day outside the food court. “They’re next,” Rikki giggled. “They do not want to follow my act.”

“And now,” the MC continued, “for your entertainment…the acrobatics of Biff and Thad!”

An unseen band began playing a silly, circus-style song, as Biff and Thad cavorted across the stage, launching into the air, swinging each other around, and bouncing off the furniture. They weren’t bad at it, but they seemed too old to take such things seriously; there was a certain implied lack of dignity. The crowd remained silent as the gymnastics continued. At the moment of the apparent denouement, Thad seemed to leap too high into the air, and connected with Biff at an odd angle; both tumbled clumsily to the floor. After a beat, they both jumped to their feet and shouted “Ta-da!” The song ended; the silence seemed pregnant with embarrassment.

Suddenly, loud applause erupted close to the team; they turned and smirked as they saw Rikki clapping strenuously. The crowd picked up on the cue and joined him, a few whistles punctuating the din. Biff and Thad took their bows, but all the mirth had drained from their faces. They left the stage and stormed by Rikki, heading for the dressing room.

“You’re welcome!” Rikki told them as they passed. He was met only with fierce glares. He chuckled as they disappeared from view.

“Isn’t that just how it is,” Rikki sighed. “I saved them, and they show no gratitude.”