March 1, 1/4
This is when my mother met dad 17 years ago. She tells me this frequently, when we’re alone together. She’s so proud to have known him. I wish I could tell her the truth.
Joshua
March 2, 1/4
I had a dream last night. Thomas and I were walking together in a garden, holding hands. He laughed when I told him we weren’t supposed to do that, and when I pulled away his face fell and he looked away. The garden lost some of its color, the flowers wilted. I left him there and walked outside of the garden. An infinite and dark city stood outside of the garden, stretching for miles in any direction I looked. Where it was warm in the garden, it was cold here, and damp. I closed my eyes to shut it out, and when I opened them again I was alone in my room, which was stretched and distorted. I can’t remember the rest of the dream, except the acute sense of fear.
When I got to school, I had not forgotten the dream, and when I laid my hand on Thomas’s shoulder, he flinched. I smiled through the urge to squeeze and released him. He smiled meekly in return and fiddled with his hands. I’m not sure who I’m more disgusted with, myself or him. How can he make me feel this way? What did he do to me? What did I do wrong to deserve this? How did I fail this badly?
Joshua
March 4, 1/4
I overheard some girls talking about prom today - I think they are on the planning committee, seniors. They were arguing over the theme - Garden of Eden or Prohibition. I have no idea how they’d get “prohibition” as a theme in a catholic school, though it does sound interesting. Garden of Eden is a bit too boring, though, and it would be inviting people to show up covered with leaves. Either way, I thought I’d write it down. When the time comes, I’m going to ask Natalie.
Joshua
March 5, 1/4
Thomas looked rough today. He had marks around his wrists like someone had grabbed him, and his hair was unkempt. His uniform was all crooked, too. It was… concerning to see. I wonder if there’s something I should do.
Natalie was talking about a choir performance she’s going to do later this spring and how she’s excited because one song is secular and another is in Latin. I’m glad to hear it, though the Latin is an interesting choice. I wonder if they will be able to pronounce it correctly?
Joshua
March 7, 1/4
Thomas asked if he could stay over at my house. He’s here now, sleeping on my floor. Apparently, his aunt took in his sister for the week and his father has been increasingly irritable ever since. He came in with a bruise under his eye. I think I’m beginning to understand better why he’s always at my house. Unfortunately, he’s very cute when he sleeps - he curls up very much like an old cat and is clinging to the pillow for comfort. I can’t say why I brought him over despite everything. My mother must be correct. He messed with my head and I’m often left not knowing what to do around him. I hope he doesn’t have any nightmares. I’m going to bed.
Joshua
March 8, 1/4
I woke up in the middle of the night to Thomas shaking and whimpering. I checked that he was still asleep and gently shook his shoulder. When he saw me, he let out a cry like a wounded animal, like I was frightening. I must be. He apologized for waking me but I told him I didn’t mind. When I asked him what he was dreaming of, that frightened look returned to his face. It couldn’t have been pleasant. I wonder if he saw my dad there. He shook his head and laid back down, and so did I. He faked sleep until about 4. I didn’t sleep at all. I watched the shadows in my room twist and contort until the morning light vanquished them, and then I got up to help my mother with breakfast.
He came down right as breakfast was ready, fully dressed. I felt underdressed in my home for the first time in ages. I handed him a mug of English breakfast and set him a plate without speaking, not wanting to disturb him. He didn’t seem to talk much, either. He looked exhausted. My mother kept shooting me these surprised and then knowing looks, like she’s onto it. I have fucked up irreparably. We ate in silence, and my mother handed him his washed and pressed uniform. That broke him out of his stupor as he began to scrub at his eyes, and I looked away. I got up to my room and got dressed.
The rest of the day was not worth mentioning. I just stayed near him. The bruise has not faded yet.
Joshua
March 10, 1/4
Driving to school with Thomas was interesting. He was hesitant about my music tastes at first, when we got in the car, but after the second song I saw him nodding along to the music. I think he was worried it was blasphemous. I’m not sure it is, but either way it makes no difference to me.
When we got to school, I got a lot of stares. People were wondering why I had come out of the same car as him. I’m lucky they don’t know he was over at my house, and he will be until his dad’s less of a bastard, I hope. It’s hard enough on both of us to have people thinking we’re friends.
We split up after that, and I met up with my other friends, Natalie and Jonathan. They were having some kind of disagreement when I showed up, which they continued to have in front of me. Natalie insisted to me that Jonathan’s system of rating women’s appearances was flawed if she ranked below a five. Jonathan insisted it was not. I commented that Jonathan was clearly being an asshole and that his system shouldn’t exist, anyways. Natalie seemed to take it as a compliment.
Maybe I’ve been looking at this the wrong way. Maybe instead of trying to simply destroy my strange feelings for Thomas, I should try redirecting them towards Natalie. Natalie is smart, charming, courageous, beautiful, and funny. Thomas is just… well, he’s smart, but he’s nothing special, right? Natalie is clearly the better choice for countless reasons. And she probably likes me. If this works out, I will no longer have to worry about my image or anything like it. I hope it does.
Joshua
March 11, 1/4
Thomas returned home today. He was extremely nervous to do so, and I could tell he did not want to. I was tempted to offer him more time, but I was afraid that it would only encourage my unhealthy feelings. I hugged him goodbye, and he actually clung to me, wouldn’t let go for long enough that my mother looked concerned. I simply held him in return until he was ready. I felt that urge again, and went to my room to flip through Gray’s Anatomy. It almost helped.
I need to talk more with Natalie tomorrow, see if this idea will bear any fruit. She’s wonderful, she has to be the answer to this. If I won't like Natalie, I probably won’t like any girl.
Joshua
March 12, 1/4
I spoke to Natalie yesterday, and tried to gauge her reactions. I touched her more, one the shoulder, her hands, and she seemed to reciprocate. I ignored my own discomfort in favor of reminding myself why I was doing this, why Natalie was the perfect girl and I should be choosing her. It worked, for a moment, when she flashed me one of her brilliant smiles - until I remembered Thomas’s own meek sort of grimace. I don’t know how the two can even truly compare in my mind, but something about Thomas is… unique, even if only I see him that way.
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I spoke to Thomas today. He seems to be surviving, if nothing else. He doesn't have any physical bruises, but he seems exhausted. I gave him my chocolate pudding that my mother made, but I know that won’t be enough. Hopefully his father will calm down, and Thomas will be fine.
Joshua
March 13, 1/4
Thomas called me last night. He was not fine. His father had told him he was kicking Thomas out. My heart pounded in my chest as I tried to think of a solution. When I tried offering foster care, he refused on the basis of getting separated from his sister. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t help himself, but I kept from saying that out loud. I offered to take him in, give him a place to stay, but he said he didn’t want to impose on my mother. He didn’t mention my father at all. I asked him what he was planning to do, then. I sounded angry. I never sound angry. He replied that he’d “figure it out”. If it comes down to living on the streets or something, I’ll find him. I’ll make sure he’s safe. I have to.
Joshua
March 15, 1/4
Thomas’s father took it back, like saying that to your child means nothing. Thomas will now get the luxury of staying in that shithole until his father turns on him again. I hate him. I hate that man. If I could hurt him and get away with it, I would.
I brought Natalie some fake gold hair clips. She put them in graciously and they looked beautiful in her box braids. She’s so beautiful it’s ridiculous, like someone had designed her to be as breathtaking as possible. Unfortunately, it’s not my breath she’s taking - though much of the male part of the class seems to have a crush on her. I told her she looked gorgeous and she turned so red she couldn’t respond. I just smiled. She really does look gorgeous, something Thomas may never be. But does it really fucking matter?
Joshua
March 17, 1/4
I invited Jonathan over to my house today, which turned out to be a good idea. He dragged me to my room, barely letting my mother pamper us, and closed the door to announce his grand plan to win Freshman Prom Prince, which nearly made me laugh. He’s popular, but not that popular. I pointed that out to him, and he got a little indignant. He replied that he has a fantastic campaign in the works and he just needs the right friend to help him with it. I saw where he was going. I offered to help him write any text for it or help with the posters. He replied that he “already has a guy on the posters”, but that he saw my scores on the most recent essay in English and knows I’d be a good fit.
Thomas still seems shaken from what his father said to him, but I don’t know how to help. I asked my mother if I could pack some extra food. When I gave it to him, he seemed a little too grateful - he started tearing up and refused to meet my eyes. That’s fine. I’m just glad he’s willing to accept my help in the first place.
Joshua
March 19, 1/4
I joined Jonathan at lunch. The kid who made the posters met up with us briefly to hand them over - not much text on them, just a photo of Jonathan in an overly theatrical prom tux, with some good solid blocks of colors behind him. The slogan was pretty basic, too, something he had gone ahead with without asking me first - “Vote for Jonathan Harrow!”. Not exactly the best marketing that I’ve ever seen. Our posters look better than any other candidates’ at the moment, however, considering theirs were mostly just a random photo of them with a very similar slogan. I told Jonathan that with a little text, we could probably actually get him to win. His eyes lit up - he was rather excited, for sure.
Then, as we were hanging up the posters, we saw another girl doing the same - but not just for Prom Princess. She was running for Prom Prince, too. She grinned wolfishly at us as Jonathan spotted her and started sputtering in his attempt to tell her off. I think her name is Cleo? She spends most of her class time cutting up magazines. I guess now I know why: she was making these collage style posters. It’s pretty impressive. She ran off with her friend (Rosaline? Roseline?) and flipped us off as she went. I’m honestly impressed by her guts. Jonathan threatened to tear her posters down, but I replied that the staff would likely do so themselves. It’s really too bad, though. Maybe I should take one and scan it?
Joshua
March 24, 1/4
Jonathan has been over at my place at least two more times for his candidacy. He’s apparently very concerned about Cleo (who he called Chloe) winning Prom Prince. I’m not sure why - the faculty will not allow her to be Prom Prince no matter how many posters she puts up - but it does mean he got serious about me helping him. He watched as I wrote an ad for the school paper and critiqued my wording rather thoroughly. He backed down on the phrasing after I explained it each time. He seems a bit like a pushover who doesn’t want to be a pushover. I asked why he was so concerned, and he got up in arms about how she had tried to run for Ninth Grade Class President, which Seth Chambers currently serves as. He got into a rather misogynistic spiel about how she’d be a better treasurer or something and that women aren’t suited for politics and I tuned him out.
Cleo handed out Zines today. They were well made, and had about six pages of text inside. It was mostly pictures of women again, but there was a lot of political messaging inside. I managed to get one from the trash, but it’s too thick to scan. Besides, I don’t want my father finding the file of this - he’d see the pin up girls on it and have an aneurysm. Still, I’m keeping it for myself.
Thomas has been doing alright. He was really excited to tell me how Cleo talked to him and gave him a zine, and I felt a strange spark of jealousy. It's rare that anyone talks to him without degrading him, other than myself, and I think he’s excited that someone else is giving him attention.
Natalie is running for Ninth Grade Prom Princess. I’m kind of proud of her. She’s one of the most, if not the most, popular girl in our school, and I’m hoping that she wins. She needs the confidence boost after her mother’s been critiquing her weight and appearance so much. She deserves to win. I still need to ask her to prom, but that can wait. I should probably plan an elaborate way to ask her.
Joshua
March 25, 1/4
Jonathan seems to be panicking. He seems convinced that Cleo is going to steal the Prom Prince title from him, even though I’d say he’s currently third most likely to win out of four candidates. I tried to reassure him by asking how many votes she got in the election, to which he replied that she got 15, being the third most popular candidate herself. He was apparently the second. I was surprised that she got any outside of her small circle of friends. He had me start writing for our own pamphlet, which is boring work, but whatever. I’ll be finishing that soon.
Adam is hosting another party tonight. I’m heading over after I finish typing this up. I hope to spend this one with Natalie, Jonathan and Adam instead of just wandering between people. Parties are a chance to connect with people, and I don’t want to waste another opportunity. Maybe we should be networking to get Natalie and Jonathan elected, though I hate to think of them having to tolerate each other for the duration of the dance. I wonder what Thomas would be like at a party. He’d probably be a wallflower, honestly. I doubt he’d enjoy them.
Joshua
March 26, 1/4
The party was fine. Natalie drank a little bit, which made her more exuberant than normal. Adam did get blackout drunk, as he always does, and Jonathan attempted to campaign for Prom Prince after a few drinks, which I immediately advised him against doing. Overall I actually had an OK time. This one girl was very insistent on flirting with me, especially after giving me a few drinks (that I didn’t really touch). She was strange, but not very threatening. I saw her talking to a few other people, but she left early. She did not seem actually interested in me. Anyways, she really angered Natalie after a while, and Natalie told the other girl to piss up a rope, which was amusing. The other girl didn’t seem particularly offended. Natalie fell asleep on my shoulder after a while. It was really nice.
Joshua
March 29, 1/4
Now I know why that girl seemed important. She was one of Cleo’s friends. She was talking to Jonathan and I specifically to see if we’d done any bullshit, and thanks to the party and Jonathan’s proclivity to drinking at them she found something on him. It’s not looking great. She found out that he hits on girls, which admittedly I was unaware of and is pretty low, and her and Cleo published it all in their zines. The fucking idiot. She didn’t really get anything on me, so there’s that to be glad about. I’m beyond livid. I invited him over and tore him a new one about how he’s behaving, which is the least he deserves, and told him to get his fucking shit together if he wants us to win. I can’t believe I have to babysit this guy. If I get caught up in this I’m going to move schools and have the whole thing expunged from my record. This is hell.
Joshua
March 30, 1/4
After the initial uproar, things seem to have changed for Jonathan. Some guys are on his side, and even some girls, at least the ones who he didn’t bother because he was intimidated by their popularity. I don’t know why Cleo’s zine wasn’t more effective - what she said was true, and people have been talking about it. But some of the girls he harassed have denied it happening. I really don’t understand why anyone would do that.
Thomas asked me what I thought of Natalie today. I told him that I found her beautiful and charming, which is true. His ears were very pink as I talked about her, and he said that while she was beautiful, she was kind of a jerk. I laughed. I wasn’t sure if I should agree with him or not, and he got rightfully mad at me, telling me to knock it off. I asked him why he wanted to know, and he quickly changed the subject. After he was done, I asked him if he wanted me to smooth things over between him and Natalie. He said that I could “so long as it makes you happy”. I don’t know what he means by that, but I made an attempt at lunch after him and I ate together. Natalie told me that I could “keep the freak away”, and for a moment I felt angry. I rarely feel angry. I calmly explained to her that if she was going to share her friends with me I didn’t see why I couldn’t share mine with her, and she acted surprised that I even considered Thomas a friend. Well, what the fuck else would he be, a pet? I told her that either she could play nice or she wouldn’t be seeing me during lunch because I happen to like friendly people. She rolled her eyes. Jesus Christ.
Joshua