Dec 25, 1/4
My mother and father got me a computer for my birthday, thanks guys. I have decided to keep a password protected diary about my life, so I can have someone to talk to. To begin, my name is Joshua Hargreaves, and I’m starting a new high school at Westpoint Catholic. My last school wasn’t as competitive for colleges, we decided, though I did great there and had a lot of friends. Not real friends, just… friends. I struggle to make whatever real friends are. I think you can feel it when you actually connect with someone. God, I sound like a girl. Speaking of which, I also have a girlfriend, Marianne. She’s sweet, and she was really upset when I told her I was switching schools. She cried on my shoulder and everything. I think I calmed her down, but she’s really upset. Hopefully we can get over this.
I don’t sleep well. I think I’m going to grow out my hair this year. It is already almost chin length, and I think I’d like it at my shoulders.
I’ll talk to you later.
Joshua
January 1, 1/4
Happy new year! My parents are out of the house, and I was thinking about going to a party, but I thought I’d use the break to write first. This computer is great. There are games I’m learning to play on here, and the coding is pretty cool. I like creating, even if I’m bad at it. Just wanted to check in before the party at Molly’s. It should be pretty tame, what with the limited rebellion of catholic school teens. It will probably be the last party I go to from my old school, at least without Marianne inviting me.
Joshua
I arrived at the party, and had an okay time. There was a lot of beer around, which doesn’t bother me, though it made a few people sick. There were a lot of arguments about it, and I even got dragged into one. I know this sounds weird, but I think about my image a lot. What would make me the best american boy. I think that if I pretend to participate in drinking, I could better my image if I do it carefully - you know, make myself look cool. It likely won’t harm my career. I may try to do this in the future. I asked where Marianne was, and I was told she was in the attic. Strange, but alright. I went up the ladder and found her and several others drunkenly playing spin the bottle. She got upset again, and was very embarrassed. She told me it didn’t mean anything, they weren’t really kissing, and while I knew it was true, Brian was there. I know she’s attracted to Brian, and I felt weird. Like she should try him instead of me. He would probably make her happier, though I don’t like him. I told her it was okay, and people were laughing at her obnoxiously, so I told them off (ineffectively, considering their drunkenness). It was fine. I left the party about two hours after that. People tried to talk to me about it, especially girls, but it was pretty easy to brush off. Now everyone thinks our relationship is ruined. Honestly, I know better than to blame it on Marianne. I don’t think I love her.
Joshua
January 3, 1/4
Went to my first day of Westpoint Catholic Highschool. Generally, people thought I was pretty funny, and my usual charm was effective. The teachers liked me well enough, though they could tell I was a mild troublemaker. The theology teacher, Mr. Hayashi, is a very interesting man who seemed to like me more than the other teachers did, which was good. He has some refreshing but inaccurate takes. Everyone does, though. The other theology teacher, Mrs. Nesbitt, seems to be hated by everyone but the extreme conservatives and literalists. A few interesting classmates - Jonathan Harrow, who seems vaguely interested in me. Natalie, who is a gorgeous and fake blond who also seems a bit attracted to me (not that I’m an expert, or giving up on Marianne) and has a great sense of humor. Adam Ryker, who is an extremely popular football player and seems impressed with me, who hit me very hard on the back after a joke. I sense a hazing ritual in my future. And Thomas Murdock, who is cute… like a puppy. He’s all skinny and malnourished and sleep deprived, and he looks a lot like a renaissance painting of an angel but with bigger eyes. His hair is dark and curly, and his eyes are almost black. He keeps smiling at me, all nervous. Kids are specifically assholes to him, and keep calling him jewish, for some reason. The Christian despisal for jews is surreal.
Anyways, I sat with a fairly popular table without complaints and made myself the center of attention again. My dad would be proud. I did okay in all my classes, appropriately above average. I went home with the numbers of all of the kids I mentioned previously, even Thomas, who seemed genuinely shocked that I asked. I got a call from Adam, who invited me to a party, which I will be going to, probably with Marianne. Jonathan called too. But I called Thomas. He was surprised again, but we got to talking about theology, a subject he’s really good at. It was some of the most intelligent conversation I’ve had outside of my dad. It was fascinating, and he is really piquing my interest. I like him.
Joshua
January 8, 1/4
I went to the party with Marianne. It was fine, again. More drinking. I tried switching out the beer for water by pouring the garbage out and filling it back up at the sink. Still tasted awful, but no one caught me. Did have to go to the bathroom to do it, though. People who knew me seemed very excited by the change, except for Marianne. She’s very protective of me and our relationship now. She glares at other girls when they look at me for too long, and I had to keep her from drinking excessively. She argued with a girl about whether they were talking about us, and I think she wanted to make it physical. I got her to talk to me and told her that she didn’t need to do that, but she was upset that I didn’t understand. It was complicated.
Joshua
January 11, 1/4
My mother is concerned about me, and is onto the fact that I go to parties. I need to start making excuses as to why I’m out. At least I’m not doing anything actually bad. Other than lying. Shit. Oh well.
I’m steadily making friends with the kids in my grade. One of the more popular kids made fun of a very unpopular one for still drinking chocolate milk, like he doesn’t eye it every time we peek at the cafeteria we’re all too rich to eat at, and I need to tell my mom to stop buying it for me. She still thinks of me as her “little angel”, or her baby or something, and it causes her to treat me like fine china. I love her, but I’m going to have to hurt her and ask that she starts treating me my age before I invite friends over.
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Speaking of friends, there is one person that I want to be friends with, but I’m unsure if he wants the same thing. Thomas does not trust me at all, which is astonishing and a huge blow to my massive ego. He keeps thinking I’m gonna pull the rug out from under him and start making fun of his, I don’t know, school issued uniform?? For wrinkles and wear and tear?? What is wrong with catholics. But I keep not doing… that, and he’s clearly confused. I feel bad about it. He’s still fun to talk to, but he’s getting more withdrawn.
Marianne calls every night and talks about anything, and I listen. Boys are bothering her, girls are harassing her and it sounds like she’s come down a peg from her previously high standing. I feel like it’s my fault for catching her playing that stupid game, but that’s wrong. She’s the one who played a fucking kissing game while I was downstairs, like we’re still in middle school and hell, not even catholic kids. I tried telling her about my friends, but when we got to Thomas, she just… didn’t get it. Like I was talking about an alien encounter or something. She didn’t get liking theology class, liking debate, anything. And it’s not like she’s unintelligent or something, she just. I don’t know. She doesn’t invest in school because she’s investing in her ability to be a wife. That’s not really an exaggeration, she’s already talked about marrying me and how women should stay home and clean. I wouldn’t even mind marrying her, but this seems to be a small issue, the whole not appreciating debate thing.
Joshua
January 16, 1/4
Just got home from a party. Went with Marianne. Everyone I know from the new school was there except Thomas. Marianne was acting really chatty and flirtatious, like obnoxiously flirtatious, the entire night. She drank a lot, and I tried to stop her, but she got pissed so I let it slide - I mean, I was there to make sure she got home safe, and didn’t puke in her hair or whatever. Then she invited me upstairs to “talk” with a wink, and I was stunned, so I kind of let her drag me up there. We were in one of the hosts’ rooms, and that was already uncomfortable. Then she told me she wanted me to fuck her. Which was. Not okay. She said all of this dirty and insincere shit about what she wanted, and I could see it in her eyes she was more scared than anything. I tried to remind her of her purity vows and waiting until marriage, but she told me. She’d already had sex. And she looked away when she said it, like a liar, and I knew. I told her not to harass me like this again, and that she should probably like herself more, to which she got absolutely pissed and threw the fucking BEDSIDE LAMP at me. It did hit me, but luckily only the shade, and it fell without breaking. She burst into tears and started screaming and crying about how she was doing this for me, and how I was a terrible boyfriend and all this other shit. Well fuck her. If I threw a lamp at her there would be no chance of forgiveness, and I know she was drunk and upset and I did something to cause that, but damn. Fuck Marianne. I’ll call her tomorrow about it.
Joshua
January 17, 1/4
I called Marianne. We’re done. She screamed and cried and apologized over and over for it, but it was too much. I already don’t love her, it was a relationship of convenience, and that was the last straw. I know that sounds cruel, but I am. Cruel. I called Natalie afterwards, told her what was happening, and got the sympathy I wanted. I listened to her talk about her life, and her humor made me feel much more comfortable. She even laughed at a few of my own jokes. I like Natalie, she is much more headstrong and cool. If I had to enter another relationship, I’d want it to be with her. At least she likely wouldn’t throw a lamp at me. Then I called Thomas. I didn’t tell him, not at first. We just talked about virginity in a religious context, at least regarding women, which I thought would be a fun exercise. Then he wanted to know why I was asking, and I told him about Marianne. He was stunned into silence for a moment. Then he said I was being an asshole, only half joking. I laughed. I thanked him for being honest with me, and he laughed too. He said it sucked that Marianne threw the goddamn lamp at me, and I agreed, and made him promise he’d never tolerate that from anyone. He made some joke about that being the only way he’d get a girl, and when I reassured him, he brushed it off. Weird. He’s attractive in that soft, feminine way some girls really like, and he has the markers of a poet. Girls would be fawning over him if it weren’t for the assholes always calling him a fag. I want to tell him that, but I think that’d be a little too forward.
Joshua
January 21, 1/4
It happens every couple of months. I get this urge… I want to see people from the inside, in every way. What their thoughts are, what they feel, how they feel, what their intestines look like pulled from their body. I hope my mother never reads this. Last time, I wanted to see Marianne’s body, cut open like a diagram. Like that frog from seventh.
I had to leave the room. The kids called me a crybaby, saying I was afraid of a frog. I was fascinated, no, more enthralled than anything. I wanted to reach in with my bare hands and play cat’s cradle with the small intestine. It was killing me to step away, my body hurt, everything was strange. I was breathing oddly, too. I don’t like that memory, it reminds me of too many things.
I feel that way tonight, directed at Natalie. I don’t actually want to hurt Natalie, I could never do that, but. But. If there was a painless way to see inside someone, pull on their insides, see their heart beat… maybe I could be a surgeon if the obsession didn’t run so deep. I’ve asked my mother for sleeping pills tonight, and I can feel them slowly working. I’m going to bed. Hopefully I sleep it off.
Joshua
January 23, 1/4
Mr. Hayashi has sat Thomas and I next to each other, and an already enjoyable class has gotten better. Thomas seems very enthusiastic about the class, and while I can’t show the same enthusiasm, I am also quite pleased. I am somewhat concerned that I should not be near someone who is viewed as poorly as he is, but that is… not something I should be concerned about. The irrational hatred targeted towards Thomas is laughable at best, and I should be able to navigate this without lowering my own reputation, and do so without compromising myself or our friendship.
I am still not sitting with him during lunch, even though I would personally prefer to. I’m still worried that Natalie, Adam, and Jonathan, the leaders of their respective cliques, will dislike our friendship and remove us both from their social circles. Social standing is important to me, so I must work to find a way to bring in Thomas rather than give in and sit with him, as much as it sucks. I sat with Natalie’s group, which is a diverse cast of cheerleaders, theater and band higher ups, and a few athletic kids. They seemed to like me quite a lot, actually. I feel as though I was sufficiently charming. Oh my god did I just type that out. Listen. I just… know when people like me. And I need that approval. And I got that approval today, ok? It felt right. Natalie was especially funny. I think I actually like her. She’s better than Marianne, regardless of if she’s going to date me or not. I’m actually looking forward to being friends with her. It’s weird. Hope it works out.
Joshua
January 30, 1/4
I invited Thomas over to my house today. I was strangely excited for him to meet my mother. She was kind and warm to him, as always. And. I think I saw him cry a little? It was extremely strange and even slightly out of character. I think I should invite him over more often. Mother made cucumber sandwiches (she’s been reading more old british mystery novels) and lemonade for us. I love my mother. Thomas seemed very hungry, so I let him eat most of it. We talked about philosophy and played board games for a bit, and then I showed him my little secret. DOOM. My mother would practically faint if she saw it, but I thought it would impress him. I loaded it up with the door locked (sorry mother) and showed him the basic mechanics and the gore. Sometimes, and I say this with discretion, I think this game is unhealthy for me. Sometimes, looking at the blood splatters along the wall, I get that itch ever so slightly.
Thomas was nervous about playing the game - he’s very devout. I explain that the whole point of the game is killing demons, not befriending them, and we both reasoned that a game about destroying the legions of hell would likely be okay with Jesus. Not god, but Jesus. He seemed to really enjoy the game after that, even laughing. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him laugh so loudly. My mother came knocking after that, chiding us for being so loud as I rapidly turned the volume down. That was embarrassing. We both had a good laugh after that.
Joshua