February 1, 1/4
It’s my favorite month. Happy love month, computer! I tried drawing Thomas last night while I was on the phone with Natalie. I think Natalie really understands me. Not everything, obviously, but she always listens so intently when I talk, and I listen back. She has this really friendly air to her that I don’t think I can live without. The picture turned out accurate, though I didn’t get his eyes right. They look… really lifeless. Bored. They look like mine when no one’s watching. It’s creepy. I think I’ll keep it. Natalie asked why I sounded weird, and when I told her I was struggling with a project, she laughed and asked me what I could possibly be struggling with. I don’t know.
Everything is too symbolic feeling, like I’m trapped in English class. I’m tired. Goodnight, computer.
Joshua
February 3, 1/4
My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home.
February 3, 1/4
I had a dream about my dad last night. He was telling me awful shit. It made my head hurt. I think it was a nightmare. I didn’t sleep very well. My mother pouted when she saw me, and made my favorite breakfast - oatmeal with milk and brown sugar. It’s really basic, but I like it. I didn’t tell her about dad, but I did tell her I had a nightmare. Father chided her for babying me, and while part of me agrees that I shouldn’t be coddled so much, I think I might enjoy it. I went to school, got through class fine, except for religious studies. Thomas got into an argument with the teacher over her disparaging of various other religions, this time Shintoism, which she barely covered. Adam threw a wad of paper at him, and Thomas flinched.
I’m not sure I’m over that.
Anyways. The teacher had Thomas sent to the principal’s office for insubordination. He got detention. People like Adam, who want to pummel Thomas into the ground (his exact words were, and I quote “tear that pansy to shreds”) go to detention, which made me feel. Nauseous. So I decided that I would sleep during her class. She hates this in particular, for she likes to feel like the center of the world’s knowledge and attention. She is not. I got into trouble. Natalie was vaguely shocked, but Adam seemed very excited by the news. Natalie even tried to wake me up before I got caught, but I thought it better to pretend to sleep through it.
So I got into detention with Thomas. I sat as close to him as I could while keeping Adam distracted with his own tales of female exploitation and football. I managed to pass a few notes for Thomas to read, and he passed me this one back. I have scanned it into the computer for safekeeping.
Thomas's Note [https://i.imgur.com/ElN3kzP.png]
My father was pretty mad when I got home, and my mother was almost crying. My father demanded to know what could possibly be wrong enough with me to warrant falling asleep with class, and my mother couldn’t understand why I had neglected my class like that. I told them that I was exhausted, and my father told me to be a man and power through it or else. I was not fed dinner as per my father’s orders. I don’t know what the consequences will be next time, and while I don’t exactly want to find out, I think it was pretty close to worth it.
Joshua
February 4, 1/4
Mr. Hayashi spoke to me today about how I need to be more careful in class, and asked why I fell asleep. When I told him I had mild insomnia that night, he listened and recommended I go to bed early tonight. I don’t get it. Mr. Hayashi acts in an atypical fashion compared to nearly every adult I know.
My mother packed me a rather light lunch today, and made no breakfast (which I don’t expect her to do) with all of the cereal and other breakfast items having magically disappeared. I think this is part of a continued punishment from my father. I do not see how he thinks this will make me more energetic, but then again punishments are not usually about improvement. I feel hungry. I am not used to being hungry. I gave most of my lunch to Natalie, who has been eating less herself lately. She says her mom has put her on a diet to help her perform better as an athlete. She doesn’t need to improve beyond her already strong form and other bullshit. The only people who seem to be eating well are Adam and Jonathan. I hope they starve some day, in a nursing home, neglected and abandoned by those they love and trust.
Joshua
February 5, 1/4
I was not allowed to eat dinner again. My mother and father argued about it as soon as I went to bed, lasting for at least two hours. I screamed into my pillow a few times. I could not sleep again. I dreamt of a murder on the tracks outside of town, blood splattering over a soundtrack of the loud bellowing echo of a train’s whistle. I woke up uncomfortably sweaty. And hungry. It hurts now.
I couldn’t focus as much on class, though I did okay on my math test. Natalie wanted to share some of her lunch with me, but I refused. I ate most of my own small lunch this time, though. Hopefully things go back to normal soon - Natalie must be hungry, too. Thomas gave me another note.
Hang in There! [https://i.imgur.com/lAaSg3e.png]
Thanks, Thomas.
Joshua
February 6, 1/4
The punishment has ended. My mother broke down and cried as she hugged me tightly, apologizing for not feeding me, and that’s what broke my father. I don’t know how long that would’ve gone on without her intervention.
I went to the library today to get some alone time, and I found an interesting book. Grey’s Anatomy. It is filled with anatomical illustrations and descriptions, and I think I will be stealing it from the library. I’ll pay the fine, sure, but I don’t think I can find a copy on my own without arousing suspicion. I’ll say it’s for biology class. I hope my mother does not open the contents of the book.
Joshua
February 8, 1/4
It’s the weekend, hurrah. I told my mother that I would be assisting Adam with his math test next week. We both know that I’m not doing that. When I got to the party, things were out of control. Everyone was drinking or drunk, and I could smell weed throughout the smog of the party, which was unpleasant. I hung in the back of the party, drinking some of my own “beer” while watching the crowd. Everything felt unreal, like I was watching from outside of my body. My mind wandered over and over again to my father. What I should do about him. Why he hurt me. Why I was willing to do this for some vague friendship with a kid nobody else even likes. I felt bitter. I felt this visceral hatred directed in equal parts to my father and Thomas. I drank a real beer. It tasted awful, but my head hurt less. All I could think about for the rest of the night was sharp teeth sinking into flesh, of a frog’s innards stretched out and thin over a dissection tray, of stories of being awake during surgery. I looked down, and noticed my hands were shaking. I put the beer aside and headed out into the party. I can’t remember much past that point, but I do remember seeing Jacob’s (a football kid) girlfriend run from upstairs, crying, as Jacob tried to follow her. It reminded me too much of me and Marianne. I pretended to be drunk and stuck my leg out. Beer flew from several solo cups as Jacob came crashing down, and I fell on my ass. He started screaming and pushing me, but I just laughed him off. His friends were holding him back from hitting me as I apologized for my clumsiness. He seemed to get over it. I did not follow her. I went to my car, had a seat, and drove home. My mother was very worried by the late hour, but I assured her that Adam just needed a lot of help and that I had gotten dinner. Her face crumpled as I spoke. I went straight here. I feel weird. Like I’m not really here.
I can hear my dad.
Joshua
February 10, 1/4
My mom made me eggs and bacon before school. I have never eaten so quickly. Today we had a presentation on abortion. Mrs. Nesbitt was leading. It made my skin crawl, all the horrible vitriol she said, all these implications that it was a woman’s fault for getting pregnant regardless of circumstances, how the baby must always come before the mother. But the images of the fetuses were fascinating. I couldn’t look away. I am certain I looked like a freak. We said our prayers, and I spied Thomas praying devoutly. I wonder what he thinks of all this. I know he’s very dedicated to Christ, and that despite his interest in theology he still considers God to be the one true savior or whatever. Does he believe Mrs. Nesbitt’s lies? He looked… beautiful, praying. I almost wish I was on the receiving end of all the piety, all that attention. I think I could be.
If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
Jonathan came to me at lunch today to talk about the horrors of abortion, and I nodded along to whatever ridiculous ideas he wanted to spout. It was almost torture. And then I had to sit next to Adam, who was going on about how girls who dress unlike a nun deserve to be assaulted. Great. I left at some point, citing that I needed to talk to Mr. Hayashi. I instead went to the library, found a nice corner, put my head between my knees and shut up until class started.
For dinner we had chicken and dumplings, my favorite. I saved the leftovers in my lunch bag. Thomas and Natalie eat like birds. Skinny, pretty little birds. I think my mother is still trying to apologize to me. I think I’ve already forgiven her. I don’t know. Goodnight, computer.
Joshua
February 13, 1/4
I woke up screaming an hour ago. I don’t know what I was dreaming of, but I have my suspicions. My father told me to knock it off, that I was frightening my poor mother. I wanted to scream all over again.
I don’t want to go back to bed. I don’t care what the consequences are. I Don’t Want To Sleep. My room looks so dark in the light of your glow, and I’m afraid to look behind me. It’s like I’m six all over again, afraid of my dad, hiding in my closet from the world until the sun rises. I can feel a breath on my neck. I feel cold.
Joshua
February 13, 1/4
There was nothing in my room. I’m fine now. Today my mother wanted to show me some old baby pictures of myself. She does this every couple of years, to brag about what a cute baby I was, and secretly, talk about my dad. We don’t mention him too often, but I can tell she misses him. I really wish she didn’t.
Thomas came and sat with me during lunch today, which surprised me. He had this sort of upset, focused face as he came over, and he simply pressed in next to me, sitting down. I smiled and joked and gave him a third of my lunch when no one was looking, but he didn’t really talk to me. Natalie just stared at him, and then demanded to know what the hell he thought he was doing. I told her that he could do as he pleases, regardless of whether she likes him or not. She got up and left, clearly upset. He just ate in silence. I felt this strange urge to hold his hand under the table, but I didn’t. I don’t know if we should be doing this. I need to keep my reputation pristine, and I shouldn’t let Thomas get in the way of that. But I do. I need to be better than this. I don’t deserve someone like Thomas, and Thomas doesn’t deserve someone like me. I will need to find a way around this. The table was almost silent after Natalie left, and even I didn’t feel the need to break it. Thomas ate nothing I gave him. He left without a word when the bell rang, and I watched him leave.
I got home and called Natalie to apologize for… something. I don’t know what. She accepted my apology, and I don’t think even she knew what I was talking about. Then I called Thomas. He didn’t pick up.
I lit some matches in the kitchen while I waited for my mother to come home from the grocery store. I held my hand over the flame for as long as I could. It hurt minimally. I felt normal again afterwards.
Joshua
February 14, 1/4
Happy Valentine’s Day! This is my favorite holiday. I got candies for every girl in my grade, mostly fancier chocolate bars, and something for each of my friends. Natalie gets a heart shaped box of chocolates, Jonathan a smaller box, and Adam a picture of the pope with a fork and knife (I thought it would be funny). Adam instead twisted my arm behind my back nearly to the point of breaking. I didn’t cry uncle or whatever it is he wanted to do, but I did threaten to tell his girlfriend about his activities at the parties we’ve been to. He let go after that, but I still have bruises. Natalie turned bright red when I gave her the chocolate, though she already had chocolates from two other admirers. Jonathan just ate his greedily and barely thanked me. My gift for Thomas will have to wait for another time, because he wasn’t at school today. I’ve scanned it here for safekeeping. Not my best work, but I was hoping he would appreciate it.
[https://i.imgur.com/1mhKcK3.png]
I can’t help but feel as though he may be avoiding me after yesterday. But I don’t think that is the case. I hope he is okay.
Joshua
February 15, 1/4
I came over to Thomas’s house after school. I waited outside his door with a box of chocolates. I didn’t know what else to bring. They were on sale. I don’t know. I arrived, and after ringing the bell, his father answered. He was dressed in a wife beater with sweat stains, holding a beer. He smelled acrid. He slammed the door in my face and screamed that “your f@g friend is here”, to which Thomas appeared, hands covered in rubber gloves and dish soap, scowling. I smiled meekly and offered him the chocolates. He only frowned more deeply. I apologized for everything, and I think I may have begged, and asked if we could remain friends. He looked at me, and this expression passed over his face, and he started crying. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed, and when I recovered from my shock, I held him in return. Looking at his soft, downy black hair, another unfortunate urge came over me to bury my face in his hair and inhale. He must of felt my discomfort, and he let go. He took my chocolates, and we went back to my car to sit down and talk. As the music played from my speakers, another disgusting feeling came over me. I felt nauseous, anxious, my heart felt light and like it was in the wrong place in my body. My face felt hot. Whatever the feeling is, it was awful. I told Thomas that my mother needed me back at the house, and he smiled and wished me luck. Luck with what? People are strange. I went home and took a cold shower for longer than necessary, and after laying in bed looking at the ceiling for a few hours, I have decided I better write this down while it is still fresh. I don’t think I can go to the doctor for this, whatever it is. I looked through Grey’s Anatomy again, and it helped distract me with an equally unsettling feeling. Still can’t sleep.
Joshua
February 18, 1/4
Another bender at Adam’s. It was fine until the cops were called. I parked far away enough for them to not get my license plate, but running through the woods at night was not an enjoyable experience. Sadie and I ended up deep in the woods behind his house, and I could tell she was lost. I wasn’t actually sure of where we were, but I felt I knew the way out. Leading her out was easy enough, though she held my hand the whole time. It was warm. I wondered what Thomas’s hand felt like and immediately regretted taking hers. The cops were watching the edge of the forest near Adam’s, so obviously we couldn’t go back the way we came. We exited on the west side of the forest, and made the way to her ride. Who wasn’t there. He’d apparently made it home without her, the asshole. I brought her over to my car, and she seemed really nervous, constantly checking around us. I stopped walking and saw a figure behind us. It was tall, over 6’5”, just. Hovering. It stopped moving when I looked back. Chills ran over my spine as I looked where the eyes should be and saw inky blackness. I’m not sure if it was a person or not, it was too dark to tell. I knew not to give chase. I kept walking calmly until we got to my car. It was closer by the time we arrived, clearly watching us. She didn’t seem to see it. I started the car, put on some music, and drove her home, joking with her to get her to feel more comfortable. I didn’t see anything follow us after that, but I felt like we were being watched. I waited in the car until she was inside, and pulled out of her driveway and onto the road. I refused to look in the seat next to me the entire drive, staring straight ahead, eventually making it home. I sat in the car for a bit. I got out and went here again so that I could write this down. I can still feel it, watching. The air is electric.
Joshua
February 20, 1/4
I invited Thomas over again. We played doom, and we discussed the importance of Dante’s inferno. He mentioned his little sister’s birthday is coming up. He was talking about saving money to get her a gift, and this odd compulsion came over me to help him get the money he needed. This has to be unhealthy. I cannot keep feeling this way. Whatever it is, it’s a problem. All these confusing feelings are overwhelming and I can’t deal with them on my own. Maybe I should talk to my mother. She would understand.
Joshua
February 24, 1/4
I spoke to my mother this morning about the strange nausea, the heart palpitations, the bizarre urges I was feeling, and she smiled kindly and told me that I was in love. I felt cold. Being in love goes directly against everything I plan to do in my life. At least if I loved a girl I could do something about it. But Thomas? If I ever even hinted at liking Thomas my entire life would come crashing down into chaos. I don’t think Thomas would ever accept someone like me, anyways - not the real me. The me who collects anatomical illustrations for dark nights, the me who wants to see men gutted, the me who - well, I shouldn’t say that here, even with a password. I have a fate that has already been decided for me, and Thomas must not figure into it. I can be friends with him while I am in highschool, but that is all I can do. I need to crush this affection for him until I am normal again. I can’t live like this. I hope he doesn’t notice.
Joshua
February 25, 1/4
My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua, I am 15 and I am safe in my home. My name is Joshua my name is joshua my name is joshua my name is joshua my name is joshua my na
February 25, 1/4
Everything hurts. Why won’t my dad leave me alone?
February 25, 1/4
Decaying flesh tightening under the hot sun, creaking over brittle bones as it shrinks under the gaze of the lord. The mouth creaks open to display an eternal shriek of agony, lips cracking and peeling. I look upon it, satisfied with my own work. It is beautiful.
February 25, 1/4
Today I gave the image to Thomas. I thought I might as well get rid of it, so I don’t have to see it anymore. He seemed confused by the gift but still grateful. I didn’t mention what it was for. It seems like a terrible idea now. I can’t stand to have him look at me.
Joshua
February 26, 1/4
Natalie said that I was beautiful today. She was trying to flirt with me, I think. I told her the same, but when I went home to look at myself. I couldn’t find it in me to agree. I invited Thomas over, but father said that I ought to invite over a real boy like Adam. I did so reluctantly. Adam wanted to play football in my yard, and it was a tedious chore to do so. He tackled me more times than strictly necessary. I think I heard something crack, but the pain is slight. He exhausted me. All I could think about was how I’d rather be with Thomas or maybe Natalie. Or alone. I want to be alone.
Joshua
February 28
Terrible month.
Joshua