June 4th, 1/4

I have been unable to write for a handful of days because my father took my computer. I don’t know what he was thinking, he nearly fucking dropped you down the stairs. He told me that until I agreed to come be his intern, that I had lost all of my “technology privileges”, like I was so devoted to the precisely two things I do with you. Only when he threatened to have your data wiped and to cut me off from using the landline did I comply. Now I’ve been roped into something I don’t fucking want to do. Maybe if I embarrass him enough he’ll just give it up. Wouldn’t that be just wonderful? I fucking hate him, I want him to get irreversibly mangled in a car wreck. I want to see his legs crushed and shattered by the weight of the engine being forced down on his legs, I want to hear him scream and scream for help, for anyone to save him, only to be rewarded with being so hoarse that he can’t even whisper. I want glass to shatter and tear through his flesh, I want him to rot under the burning sun, I want him to know the agony of even knowing him through physical means.

I got a call from Jonathan. No one ever calls me, except Thomas and Natalie on rare occasions. I answered, and he began talking about absolute nonsense, like how he needed a running mate for next year’s sophomore class presidency and how he knew I wouldn’t mind, that I’d love to be his right hand man, and he could even get me elected as secretary or something, but usually that’s a girl’s job and all this other shit. I interrupted to ask what the hell he was talking about, school’s three months away, and he said that the early bird gets the worm. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t apply to jumping the gun on an election. I told him that I would love to run with him as soon as the school year starts, but otherwise I could really care less. He seemed stunned for a moment on the other end of the line, but then he asked me if I’d like to come to his birthday party, out of the blue. I said sure, because why the hell not, but why did he want to ask me? He sputtered for a moment before exclaiming that I’m the most popular kid in our class, for fuck’s sake, why wouldn’t he want that kind of people magnet around? So I guess I’m more popular than he and Adam are. I’m surprised by that, but less surprised by the fact that Jonathan only wants me there so that other students might attend.

I told him to invite Natalie as well and to not make the party a sausage fest, and after having to explain what a sausage fest was to him, he agreed. His birthday is on the seventeenth, and his party is on the nineteenth. I probably will have to pick out a gift, won’t I?

Joshua

June 6, 1/4

My internship starts tomorrow, so there goes my “vacation”. We are going to Washington, D.C. for five days as a family vacation, but it will be dominated by my father throwing tantrums and complaining about every little thing that goes wrong, so it’s not much to look forward to. This will be obnoxious. The summer is typically when I can drop the act and relax, but I won’t get the chance this year. Instead I’ll be playing the good son in front of his entire law firm for the entire summer, and having to deal with my father at the same time is going to be almost unbearable. Almost. I’ve been through worse.

I called Thomas, and he was excited to talk to me. He began telling me about how there was a new summer program at Eliza’s elementary school, and how she was so excited to go. I asked if he was sad about not having her around during the day, and he said that he was mostly just relieved that she’d be away from his father. He also admitted, somewhat reluctantly, that he was happy he didn’t have to watch her, feed her, and teach her all day. I asked him about that last part, and he said that he buys workbooks that they do together over the summer so that Eliza doesn’t forget anything she learned in school. I said that she must be happy to have a brother that cares so much for her. He laughed and said she’s mostly just mad that she has to do math.

I say it every time. I know I say it every time. But Thomas is unbelievable. He’s a good person. I’ve never met a person as good as him, not even my own mother. He’s nearly divine. I want to rip his wings off with my bare hands. I want to bend and twist his halo until there’s nothing left. I don’t mean “corrupting” him or something else romantic or sexual, but I mean that I want to hurt him until he’s nothing like himself. I get this feeling more and more nowadays, this feeling that I could crush the world in the palm of my hands. Like I could actually do something, have some power. I know this is dangerous. I should snap out of it and come to my senses. But the feeling of power is so intoxicating…

Anyways. I love Thomas. I wouldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t.

Joshua

June 7, 1/4

I just came back from the first day of my internship. It was… okay. There are some interesting people at my father’s workplace. Agatha, a paralegal that works with another lawyer employed by my father, was particularly friendly. She seemed cautious around my dad, like she knew something was wrong with him. I hope that knowledge doesn’t come from personal experience. While my dad was introducing me to all of my “coworkers”, Agatha stood out to me as one of the few female lawyers my dad had employed, and of an even fewer number of black employees. Despite her name sounding rather old fashioned, she looks to be no older than 21 or 22, and she’s very put together. It looks like all the ladies at my father’s firm are required to wear some form of skirt, and most go for pencil skirts, but she looked the best in one. Very dignified where the others looked vaguely put upon. I’m kind of impressed, mostly because she’s not much older than me. She seems like a real professional.

She was the first person to talk to me after my dad let me loose in the office, telling me everyone’s coffee orders and lunch orders. When I asked if she knew all this because she used to be an intern, she laughed and told me she just gets treated like one sometimes.

I need to do something about it. It is unacceptable to treat an employee like that. Someone has to punish my father. She saw the look on my face when she said that, and before I could play it off as confusion she patted my shoulder and told me not to worry about it. She’s probably right. It’s not my responsibility to make sure my father suffers. But I need to. It’s bad enough that my father sinks his teeth into my mother like a vampire, sucking the joy out of her, it’s bad enough that he treats me like a mosquito he can’t quite swat away and can’t quite capture, but to affect another person entirely? One he isn’t supposed to control? That’s wrong. It’s fucking wrong and I can get revenge for her. I can.

Maybe this is just over something else. I could hurt Thomas’s father instead. But he’s a trickier target, and Agatha is a good reason to get vindictive.

After I spent a good amount of my father’s money on coffee, I was asked to shred documents. That went on forever. Then I had to go get lunch before getting back to the shredding, then recycling it. After that Agatha invited me to her cubicle, and she showed me her computer’s version of solitaire. It was kind of funny. We both hide games from my father. My mother came to pick me up soon after, because father probably called mother to let her know that he was going to stay late like he does most nights. We drove home in silence that only broke when she was pulling into our driveway. She told me that she was glad that I held my ground, but that I was being a responsible boy for going into the internship. I slammed my door. I’m sorry, mom. I’m a monster.

Joshua

June 9, 1/4

I’ve been calling Natalie regularly since I got my computer back. She asked me why I was off the phone for so long during our first call, and I told her that it was nothing much, my parents were just hogging the phone, ha ha ha. We agreed to a date this weekend.

I feel claustrophobic in my own body. I feel trapped.

I’ve been calling Thomas as often as I can, and Thomas told me that his father was complaining that the phone was ringing too much and that it was giving him a headache. Fuck his father. I can’t believe such a good person came from such a terrible man. But I’ve got to be careful. I don’t want to accidentally sic Gary fucking Harrower on Thomas.

I have a plan for what to do to my own father. I’ll update you once everything has taken place.

Joshua

June 11, 1/4

Last day of the first week of my internship. Agatha invited me to eat lunch with her. She’s strangely nice to me for an adult. She’s strangely nice in general, really. I don’t quite trust it. But I… kind of want to.

I don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately. I can feel my hatred consuming me like a freezing fire, like a poison seeping through my veins. I can feel my violent urges and thoughts growing louder. I’ve always wanted to hurt people, everyone who had ever hurt me, but this extends to Thomas now. Am I just like my father? Designed to hurt the ones I love? I’m unforgivable. I’m disgusting. I can’t stand being like my father, I can’t fucking stand it and I want out. But there’s no way out. I’m doomed to be a monster. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the act, and it’s pathetic that I’m even struggling to present the facade of normalcy.

I can’t kill myself, because I know there’s worse waiting for me in hell. I can’t keep living like this, because I’m going to fucking snap. I’m trapped. There are only three options: die, lose my shit, or keep doing the same shit for eternity, and I have no real choice but to try my best for the last option. There’s nothing good even waiting for me once I die. All these awful shitty people get to go to heaven and do whatever the fuck one does once your past the pearly gates, but I’m too much of a freak to get in. I can’t live like this. I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t. I know I’m going to see my dad in my dreams tonight, but fuck him. Unless he somehow knows a way that I can continue to pretend to be normal, he’s useless.

It’s fine. I’m just being dramatic. It’s fine.

Anyways. My father’s punishment will take effect on Sunday night. I don’t care what happens to me, someone has to make sure he suffers.

Joshua

June 12, 1/4

My dad was… displeased, to say the least, that I’m struggling so much. Let’s pretend I’m still only dreaming when I see him. It was terrifying. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him actually angry with me. Usually he’s just being a nightmare to prove a point or, more commonly, to scare the shit out of me, but last night he was furious. Or whatever emotion he’s capable of. He was all void and darkness and terror, and I came out the other side of his visit unsteady. He wants me to maintain my sense of normalcy, and he made it clear that I can’t ruin his design. And he’s the one thing I’m afraid of disobeying.

But it’s just a nightmare, isn’t it. Just a strange recurring nightmare. He can’t hurt you, he’s just a figment of your imagination!

He suggested that I find a method of control suitable for my lineage. I think he was implying something to do with punishing myself. It’s not like I can do what his… father did to him, that’s obvious enough, but maybe I can find an alternative. I can’t believe I’m even writing this down. Whatever, it’s not like you know what I’m talking about.

About my father - I mixed his whiskey and his gin with antifreeze. The content of ethylene glycol should be high enough to poison him if he drinks the same amount he does every Sunday. He gets drunk every Sunday like clockwork, so this should work. It doesn’t take much antifreeze to harm someone, and luck will decide if he dies from the minimal dose. Hopefully I don’t kill him. I’m prepared to call an ambulance if need be. I’ll try to get my mother to stay at the church and talk to her friends for as long as possible so we can avoid him long enough for the poisoning to kick in. Maybe I can get her to let me drive myself to Thomas’s house for a visit. I’ll return in time to make sure my father doesn’t keel over, but even if he did, the life insurance policy he’s been paying for is worth enough to keep our house and keep me attending Westpoint and eventually a nice ivy league. My mother and I will survive this no matter what. I’m sure my mother and dad can find some way of keeping us afloat.

My date with Natalie tonight went well. Whatever.

Joshua

June 13, 1/4

My poisoning was very successful, and my father is at the hospital. Good. I fucking hate him. According to the doctors, it’s almost certain that he’ll survive, but he’ll need to stay on bedrest while he recovers. I’ll still need to do my internship at this time, but everything should work out. He’ll likely still do his job even while he’s at the hospital, considering it’s the only distraction other than drinking he allows himself to escape his miserable life with. No one suspects me. If I’m lucky they’ll never even realize it is a poisoning, or they’ll suspect some kind of suicide attempt, thought I shouldn’t bet on it.

I had a good time with Thomas today. We drove around for a bit, and we picked up some groceries again. He let it slip that his father hasn’t gotten groceries in two weeks and himself and Eliza have been reduced to eating out of cans while his father picks up fast food for himself. I felt calmer about that than I usually do. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t pissed, but I didn’t have the usual urge to dismember the man and hide him in trash cans around the town. I paid for Thomas’s groceries and drove him home. When I went to drop him off, I found myself unconsciously leaning towards him. He didn’t seem to notice my embarrassing mistake.

My mother is distressed, of course she is, but I like to think she’s relieved, too. I need to believe that.

I don’t feel my dad’s presence tonight. I think that’s the closest I’ll ever get to him being proud of me.

June 13, 1/4

What have I done? What the actual fuck was I thinking? I can’t sleep, and for once it isn’t because I’m afraid of whatever I’m going to dream about. I could have killed my father. I hate him, of course I hate him, but killing him? My dad would be proud, and that’s not a good thing. The feeling of power from it was most certainly fucking temporary. I could have ruined our lives. And for all I know he’ll piece it together from what little evidence there is. I made sure to dispose of the bottle of antifreeze, but that doesn’t mean he won’t just take another gander at the bottles. I feel this urge to tell my mother, beg for her help, but I… I’m not sure she would help me. Sometimes I think my status as her favorite son is second to her beloathed husband. I can’t let anyone find out. I can’t.

Joshua

June 14, 1/4

My mother knocked on my door this morning, and when I got up to open it for her, she looked concerned and distressed. She whispered that dad had visited her. I froze. She hasn’t seen dad since her last days of pregnancy. I hesitantly asked her what he said, and she just shook her head like I had asked her where dogs go when they die. Then she told me to come help her throw away the bottles of booze.

So she knew. She knew what I did, and she didn’t even chastise me for it. But I’m her “little angel”. Why isn’t she shocked or disappointed or surprised? I’m supposed to be her gift from god himself, isn’t she even a little horrified that I did something so cruel and, to be entirely honest with myself, evil? But she said nothing about it. It’s almost like she doesn’t care about what I’ve done.

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

We got rid of the bottles, and then my mother went and purchased all new bottles and poured them out until they resembled their previous counterparts. We put them all back wordlessly, and then my mother drove me to my internship.

The office was in disarray. Apparently my father is useful in some part of the world. Agatha caught me by the arm as I was trying to collect some papers another paralegal had dropped and asked me to go get coffee. I frowned and asked her why people would want coffee right now, and she said something about caffeine addiction and withdrawal. I left and got everyone their coffee from the little cafe on the corner of the block, and when I came back Agatha was helping take care of the paralegals while the other lawyers ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. I handed everyone their coffee, and they seemed inordinately relieved. Maybe Agatha is right about the whole caffeine addiction thing.

The day seemed to get itself in order after that. I felt pretty bad that everyone was visibly working harder and stressed because of the absence of my father. There also seemed to be an air of contempt, and on more than once occasion I heard the newer or lower level employees talking about how my father was an ass for getting ]drunk and putting everyone in this situation. On one hand, I knew it was actually my fault that my father wasn’t there, but on the other, I just wanted to scream that every sunday with my father was like that. I reigned the urge in easily enough.

Agatha eventually pulled me aside and thanked me for my help and told me that I could take the rest of the day off, word from on high. For a moment I was kind of bewildered, because I’m certain my father would never call in from the hospital and ask them to let me go for the day. The next moment was spent briefly considering if my father had died and this was her nice way of letting me go to the hospital to see for myself. She must have seen the look on my face, because she patted my shoulder and told me that they had just ran out of things to ask me to do. I sighed in relief without even realizing I did it until later.

My mother picked me up. It was an awkward ride, because neither of us spoke and more importantly because I was panicking over whether or not I should acknowledge what happened this morning. Eventually I turned to her and thanked her for her help. We both knew what I was talking about. My mother replied that she loved me, and that I shouldn’t forget that. I won’t.

When we arrived at the house, I told her that I was going to go to bed without dinner. She seemed worried, but she let me leave. I went straight here.

My father has been punished. I need some kind of punishment as well for what I’ve done to everyone. The only question is what kind of punishment will it be? Nothing with an obvious scar, surely.

Joshua

June 16, 1/4

I went over to Thomas’s house today, and he had bruises on his face. I think one of them was in the shape of a hand. I felt that black curl of hatred well up inside of me, but I took a deep breath and dug my nails into my palm. It helped. I asked him gently if he wanted to do anything about his latest injuries, and he just glanced to the side and said something about this not being the time. I hope the time comes soon, then. He asked me how my internship was going, and I told him about Agatha and how she’s been “really helping me settle in” or something else mundane. He raised his eyebrows and asked if I had really come around on my father’s internship or if I was just bullshitting. I told him that I didn’t exactly like it there, but Agatha really was a nice woman.

He asked me how my father’s been, probably trying to see if my father had done anything physical to me lately, and I told him that my father was in the hospital because he got too drunk. That stunned Thomas for a moment before he asked if that was really a thing. I laughed. I asked him if his father had ever gotten alcohol poisoning, and for a while he couldn’t answer before quietly admitting that he just didn’t know. Holy fuck. I asked him if he had ever heard of it before and he said that he hadn’t.

I brought Thomas to my car and explained to him the signs of alcohol poisoning, and his eyes grew wider and wider as he became more and more horrified. I gently asked if that sounded like anything his father had ever gone through, and he nodded mutely.

And then like a horrible, monstrous version of a flash of inspiration struck like lightning, I had an idea on a way to easily kill his father. All I would have to do was to do to Gary what I did to my father and then beg Thomas not to call the cops. The only hard part would be getting Thomas to be complicit, and getting any investigators not to suspect me after my father had suffered from something similar. But I’m cunning. I could do it, and I feel sick just knowing that.

We talked some more, and Thomas eventually asked me if I was okay. I shook my head as though I was amused and told him that I was fine, just a little worried for Thomas. He took the lie hesitantly. Thomas is getting to know me far too well. It’s only a matter of time before he finds out what I really am, what I’m really like. I drove myself home shortly thereafter.

My mother got a call from the hospital that my father will be home next Monday, the 21st. I’m… almost afraid.

Joshua

June 17, 1/4

I almost forgot, but Jonathan called me this morning and reminded me to come to his birthday party. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t even know what he was talking about for a moment. I called into my father’s office to ask for a day off, and when I was told to call my father and ask him instead, I did. It was the first time I spoke to my father since the incident, and it didn’t go well. He told me to do my job or face the consequences. I am so sick of him. I called Jonathan back and said I’d be there after four, and he thanked me for showing up at all.

Things at the internship were fine today. Agatha pulled me aside and asked me if my mother and I were doing alright. I assured her that my mother and I were just fine, if a bit shaken. She patted my shoulder and told me she was proud of me for taking care of my mother while my father was gone or something to that effect. What an odd thing to say. I don’t do anything for my mother, I’m aware of that. I only make her life worse. But for some reason it seemed like Agatha didn’t care about that sort of perception.

I went to the grocery store afterwards and picked up some bags of chips before driving over to Jonathan’s house. His parents were very interested in helping us decorate before they left for their date, and they would do strange things like ruffle their son’s hair when he said something they thought was funny or charming or check in on us while we were working on getting the house ready. It was… weird. I’ve never really seen parents do that outside of children’s movies.

The party started at eight, so at a certain point we ran out of preparations and began just talking. Jonathan began to talk about romantic relationships, getting into a long tangent about Natalie and how everyone is so jealous of me and how he wishes he had a girlfriend. It was an uninteresting conversation. Having a girlfriend means nothing. It’s just something that happens sometimes. I don’t know, it just seems to me that if everyone pretended to be normal they could get whatever romantic partner they desire. Being attractive and not a complete ass goes a long way.

The party eventually got underway. Natalie arrived in a carpool with her friends, and as always she looked stunning, perfect even. She’s very particular and neat about her appearance. I abandoned Jonathan from there as the house grew more and more crowded. Natalie and I enjoyed dancing for a good while, but eventually we got tired and Natalie wandered over to the kitchen, where people were storing the alcohol. Natalie drank very moderately compared to other parties.

Adam and Abraham were there - the only two football kids. Adam seemed like he was squinting the whole time, trying to parse out what the hell he was looking at and where the hell he was. Natalie and I had fun laughing at him, and Natalie told me about how she used to have a crush on Abraham. It was oddly sweet of her.

Eventually we both got sick of it and wished Jonathan a happy birthday before I drove Natalie home. It was nice to do something other than worry about my father and what he’ll do when he comes home. I know that makes me a monster, but it was nice to pretend for a moment that I am not.

Joshua

June 20, 1/4

My father comes home tomorrow, and because of that, Thomas called me today. He asked me how I was doing and had a particularly calm and soothing tone when he spoke. He was trying to comfort me. It worked. His voice is so beautiful. I would say it’s like an angel’s but I have a distaste for those things. It’s almost melodic. It’s so soft and sweet, and hearing him today was like being a kid again and hiding in a pillow fort from my parents, safe and secure. I don’t know, maybe that’s wrong too. While Thomas was talking, I drew him. The drawing looked a lot more like him, with softer eyes and a rounder face. I’ll upload it when I can. I drew him without the Westpoint uniform and instead depicted him wearing that sweater he loves so much and his cleaning gloves. I think it’s a lot more accurate.

Thomas eventually was screamed at by his father in the background of the call and had to go. I wished him luck and told him to call me if anything goes wrong. So far he hasn’t.

I love him.

Joshua

June 21, 1/4

My father came home today. He was not glad to be home. After he broke a few dishes and dislocated a chair’s leg, he stormed up to his room. I saw my mother hesitate at the bottom of the stairs, looking up to the hallway where the bedrooms reside. She clearly didn’t want to go up and comfort him, but she went upstairs anyway. The sounds of shouting quickly came from their room, all my father’s doing.

I stayed down in the living room so that there’d be a little space between myself and my parents. I usually spend all of my time at my house either in my room or at family meals. It felt weird to be outside of my room. I had the strangest sense of being watched, but for once I doubt there was anything there.

My mother came back down the stairs in tears, and the door slammed behind her as she left her bedroom. I asked her if she wanted any help making dinner, and she told me that she just wanted to be alone. I gave her the space she needed.

I wish I could call Thomas again today, but as I write this my mother is in the kitchen and she’d hear my phone call. I don’t want her to notice how infatuated I sound when I speak to him over the phone. It’s disgusting.

Joshua

June 21, 1/4

My father insisted on driving me to his firm today. He greeted his employees and the other lawyers gruffly as he led me in, a hand on my back, and ushered me into the paralegal’s cubicle area. He then told me to not make myself a burden and dropped me off.

Agatha looked a little confused, and so did everyone else honestly, but I just got to work. There were more papers to shred, but since there wasn’t as much build up it didn’t take nearly as long. Then I got everyone their coffees, took everyone’s orders for Chinese, and went to go pick it all up from Xiang’s. After that I began helping Agatha with her work, and the day slowly passed. Eventually it was nearing the end of the work day, and I was getting worried because my mother and father had not called me to let me know one of them was coming to pick me up. It’s not like my town has a cab system that lets 15 year olds pay for rides. And then Agatha asked me if my dad was coming. When I reluctantly told her I wasn’t sure, she offered me a ride. I tried to say that I didn’t want to take advantage of her, but she insisted that it’d make things easier for everyone if I didn’t sleep at the office. That made me agree.

The ride home was tense. Agatha kept glancing over at me, and it looked like she wanted to talk. When she dropped me off, the sun was low in the sky. I stepped out of my car with my bag, and Agatha got out with me. I thought it was strange, but I didn’t say anything as I walked up to the front door. She followed me. I turned back and frowned, trying to communicate a hint of “what do you think you’re doing?” in a polite manner, but she just smiled at me. I knocked on the door.

My father opened it and looked down at me with a sickeningly false smile. He gave Agatha nothing more than a glance. He “welcomed” me home, and I went to awkwardly step in through the slim crack of the doorway he had left for me. Agatha spoke up. She said in a remarkably calm voice that she didn’t know where my father got the idea to abandon his kid at the workplace, but that she couldn’t be responsible for me. My father immediately apologized and told her that he had no intention of leaving me there for much longer, he was even just packing up to come to the office, and really he is so sorry that she had to drive me all this way for nothing. Her expression hardened into a professional glare, and my father slowly broke into a leering grin. “Well, just to be clear, I’m not going to tolerate being left with your child. And tell Joshua that he’s welcome to ask me for a ride any other time you abandon him.” That’s what she said. My father’s expression fell.

I endured some yelling from him about how I’m so worthless that I couldn’t even get myself home today, and my mother made dinner almost silently in the background. But it felt… nice. Knowing that Agatha has my back, that she agrees that my father is a useless piece of shit. I was sent to my room without dinner, which will be fine so long as it doesn’t happen for too long. I’m not planning to do that again.

Goodnight, computer.

Joshua

June 22, 1/4

My father berated me this morning and tried to ensure I wouldn’t take Agatha’s offer, but he still has no real authority over me that doesn’t come from threats. My mother fed me breakfast, so it looks like this isn’t another food based punishment. I was dropped off by him, but this time he actually stuck around to work. I got everyone their coffees, and Agathe offered to show me some of her work. It was fascinating. She researches older cases that have arguments that relate to the current case, and then compiles the information for whoever’s actually defending the client. It’s a little less interesting than I’d like, being corporate law rather than criminal, but it is still fascinating.

My father disappeared around lunch, so I picked up everyone else’s orders and left his order out. I suspected that he was going to pull the same shit as yesterday, and I was not alone in that suspicion. I went back to hang out with Agatha, and eventually she sighed, stopped what she was doing, and asked if I would like a ride home. I said yes with a please, even, and we drove back to my house. She dropped me off and I came back in. My father proceeded to throw an absolute tantrum as I just watched. He screamed in my face, knocked things off of their shelves (nothing breakable! That would be too expensive for him!), and generally imitated a mosquito that won’t just die.

I think this week will be better.

Joshua

June 24, 1/4

I went over to Thomas’s house today, and I brought some lunch - just some sandwiches from the local deli and two sodas. He seemed delighted to see me, and he invited me to his backyard. I asked how Eliza is doing in her summer program, and he told me that she's doing fantastically as he tore into his sandwich. I politely asked him if his father had been getting them groceries, and Thomas nodded. I asked if I could see these said groceries, and he reluctantly brought me back inside. The only vegetables were iceberg lettuce and baby carrots, the fruit was canned fruit cocktails, and there were eggs and ground beef with some ramen and poptarts. I felt that rage again, that hatred, but it wasn’t cold this time. It burned. I turned to Thomas, who seemed to almost be flinching, and told him that once we were done eating we would go get groceries. Thomas then said that his father gets mad whenever I do that, saying that it’s embarrassing to have to get “handouts” from Thomas’s friends and that Thomas should stop begging. I asked Thomas if he had ever gotten physical about this subject. Thomas told me he had not. I told him to call me or the cops if that changed.

We went grocery shopping at Thomas’s favorite store, the one with the organic section, and I paid. He didn’t get much, he never does, but I can tell he’s planning out his meals to be economical and give him plenty of leftovers. He’s smart, I know this, but I haven’t said it in a while. He eyed a family sized bag of potato chips and I threw it in the cart.

When we returned, his father was likely on the way home from work with Thomas’s sister Eliza. I helped him put away the groceries and got out of there before I would become a problem. I wonder if I could ask Thomas to cook for me? That sounds wonderful. I could get him whatever ingredients he desires, and he could make whatever he wants. It would be lovely.

Joshua

June 26, 1/4

Natalie invited me to the drive in movie theater, and we watched Omen. Natalie got all scared and we did the thing where she clings to me and I put an arm around her shoulders. The movie was… interesting. It seemed fairly accurate to what an anti-christ figure would be like, I guess. He was just evil. Nothing else to him. It was disturbing to watch, but at the same time fascinating. I don’t think Natalie and I were the intended audience for it.

My dad stopped trying to leave me at the firm and now my mother picks me up. He’s slowly easing back into work, it seems like the anti freeze really did a number on him. My mother seemed relieved to not have to leave me there anymore and personally thanked Agatha. Agatha seemed privately unimpressed by my mother, and I was caught between being offended on my mother’s behalf and almost… agreeing? My mother is just as much a victim of my father as I am, but sometimes I wonder why she doesn’t just stand up to him. But I know it isn’t that simple, that my mother could be seriously hurt if she defied him, that we’d lose everything. I have a feeling my father is looking for an excuse to cut us out of his life. He’s too much of a coward to go through with it, but it doesn’t stop him from looking.

Joshua

June 27, 1/4

I had another dream about my dad last night. He was telling me that I would be joining him soon, that his design for me was coming to fruition. Just some of his standard creepy ass shit, but he was using more... imminent language than usual. And then he stepped aside and revealed a version of me stretched out over an animal’s bones, twisted and distorted and so very, very wrong. It was like looking at a taxidermized mermaid from an oddity shop but it moved and took labored breaths like it was living. I still had to talk to him after that.

Things are going well at my internship. Thomas seems to be okay and Natalie and I see eachother pretty much every week. My parents are doing the same shit as always. I am 15 and I am safe in my home.

Joshua

June 29, 1/4

I beat DOOM today. I was procrastinating on doing it, but I finally beat the game. I should probably pick out something else to play, but I do like the game. DOOM II seems like a good pick going forward.

Joshua