9 things which took me 30 years to learn, but I will teach it to you in 3 minutes:

1. Consistency is the key

2. The key to success is happiness

3. By 1 and 2, consistency = happiness

4. But if you don't open the proper locks with your keys, you will end up having to pay child support

5. Learn to say no

6. Say no to child support

7. But no means maybe

8. Yes can become maybe if you have a small cock

9. Maybe can become no if you have erectile dysfunction

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Pro tip: If your penis gets stuck in the sinkhole, you need to watch ugly grandma videos to make your erection end.