Chapter Two: My Angel Warrior Waifu Discovers Amazon!
Euridice descended from the heavens clad in armor of gold, the radiant light of the sun framing her angelic form. Her wings were wide and held the promise of a soft embrace, the threat of Heaven’s swift retribution for transgressors-
“Chaa~aad, where did you put your credit card?”
Chad stopped typing with a heavy sigh.
Before he had been transported to Aeternia to fulfill his destiny of fighting the Demon Queen, he had been a self published author of erotic adventure novels. It might not have been the most respectable field of fiction, but it was one that he enjoyed and he’d been lucky to stumble into a loyal if cantankerous fandom.
Two years spent away from the field, though, had done a number to his audience and income stream. Oh, sure, his back catalog had continued to sell here and there, but he really needed to get back to work ASAP, especially considering that he now had four other people to support.
The good news was that he could file off the edges of his recent experiences and publish them as a web novel. The bad news was…
“Euridice,” Chad called out. “What do you need the credit card for? Exactly?”
The tall angel bounced into his room. She was a statuesque beauty with a soft hourglass figure that belied the strength she was able to bring to bear in battle. Her arms were equally capable of enfolding her friends in a caring embrace, as bringing a double-headed axe falling down on the heads of her enemies.
“Well you were saying that we needed to shop for more human-looking clothing,” Euridice replied as she came into the room and spun Chad’s office chair away from his desk so she could sit on his lap. “And now that I know what my sizing is-”
The unsupervised shopping trip yesterday had been a disaster. Well, maybe not an unmitigated disaster. As Dahlia said afterwards, “Look, if Victoria’s Secret is going to display what amounts to perfectly acceptable public dress for Succubi right there in the store window, I cannot be blamed for my actions.”
“-I figured we could save a lot of time by having the clothing delivered to us right here at home. They even have same day shipping!”
“Well…” Chad pinched the bridge of his nose. “Did you check to make sure that what you’re buying qualifies as acceptable street wear?”
“Uh-huh,” she said, nodding her head. “I went through that Instant-Gram thing you showed me and basically went looking for clothing that looked cute on there. Oh, and I also found a lot of really inspiring quotes in block white print on pastel backgrounds. Did you know that there is a dream in you, you just have to believe?”
“I… have heard that, yes,” he said with a sigh. “OK, fine. But no more than fifty dollars, OK? We need to be careful until we figure out how to get you guys jobs or something.”
“Are you sure we can’t just, I don’t know, go out and kill monsters and take their stuff?” Euridice said. “It’s basically a public service. No more monster attacks, we get gold, it’s a win-win!”
“First of all,” Chad said, with the stern voice of a teacher talking to a very stubborn child, “this world doesn’t have monsters. It has animals. Second, animals do not carry money, people carry money.”
Euridice’s eyes brightened. “So-”
“THIRD of all,” Chad cut in, seeing where this is going, “beating up people and taking their money is a crime and will result in the City Watch being called on you, and unlike that time in Ratford, no, we can’t just beat up every policeman in the city.”
The angel sighed. “Why is your world so boring?”
“Believe me, I ask myself that every day.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek and gently pushed her off his lap. “My wallet is on the coffee table. Now if you’ll excuse me, Daddy has to go back to work, OK?”
“Only if Daddy promises to visit his good girl later…” Euridice said with a grin. “I still haven’t shown you all the clothing Dahlia picked out for me yesterday…”
Chad closed his eyes and groaned. “Away with you, Temptress!” he said, mock-angrily. The angel giggled and blew him a kiss from the doorway as she left the room.
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He cracked his knuckles and started typing again, describing the first time he had met the angelic warrior.
His time in Aeternia had been… well, it was difficult to describe. Here on Earth, he’d been just another guy. Growing up in a middle-class part of Detroit, he’d been spared the worst effects of the city’s economic downturn, and had had the chance to move to LA to try and pursue his dream of Hollywood scriptwriting right after college.
It hadn’t panned out. Every schmuck making coffee had a screenplay, and despite getting a couple of spec scripts picked up for TV shows, he’d ended up sleeping on Jeff’s couch before too long. Then when his dad died and he’d inherited the house, he’d taken it as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be and moved back home.
Self publishing had happened almost by accident. He’d started his first web novel as more or less a way to blow off steam after shifts at Starbucks. Someone suggested maybe starting a Patreon, or bundling his chapters in Kindle books, and just by virtue of being in the right place at the right time, things had taken off fast enough that he’d been able to quit his day job.
Of course, when he’d landed in Aeternia, things in the fantasy world were… almost but not quite what he’d come to expect from reading and writing in the Isekai genre.
His musings were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. He pushed his chair away from the desk and walked out of the room, through the lounge, and towards the front door.
Except Euridice had gotten there first.
“Euri,” Chad said, his voice full of concern, “why are you holding that sword-?”
The angel threw open the door, her wings spread to fill the front corridor. On the other side was a very frightened looking US Post delivery woman, clutching an Amazon branded cardboard box in her hands.
“Ho, fierce Amazon warrior!” Euridice proclaimed, sword leveled at the poor postal worker. “I, Euridice the Radiant Warrior, challenge you for the right to the treasure you bear!”
“Euridice,” Chad said, exasperated. “What the fuck-”
“I know of you Amazon warriors from tales of old,” Euridice continued. “I know you are proud fighters, and do not surrender lightly. But know this: The Hosts of Heaven are likewise proud, and stand ready to face any enemy, overcome any foe! Defend yourself!”
The postal worker took three stunned steps back. “Uh, lady, look, I just- I just need a signature-”
“You would like that, wouldn’t you!” the warrior declared. “But I see through your lies! Amazons may be cunning, but the pure light of Truth obliterates all deceit!”
Chad grabbed the edge of Euridice’s left wing and pulled it down, trying to make his way past her. “Hang on!” he called out. “There’s been some mistake-”
“Oh hell yeah there’s been a mistake,” the postal worker said. “I’m not going to let some Cosplay looking bitch call me a liar.”
She dropped the box to the ground and took up a kickboxing stance. “Snow nor rain nor crackhead wing bitches stay this courier motherfucker let’s go!”
“Ah! Noble hand-to-hand combat!” Euridice said, dropping her sword to the ground with a clatter. “I accept! Have at thee!”
With a mighty flap of her wings that knocked Chad to the ground, Euridice charged, only to catch a solid kick to her midsection for her troubles. She staggered back a few swift steps on the front lawn before folding her wings behind her.
She raised her arms just in time to deflect a follow-up jab from the delivery worker, countering with a left jab of her own that the other woman narrowly avoided.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Chad said, collecting the box and the dropped tablet. He took the time to sign for the package and gently place the tablet out of the way.
Meanwhile, the combat continued, angelic strength versus the wiry muscles of someone who walked miles every day as part of their job. If Euridice fought with the righteous fury of the just, the delivery worker had the courage of the indefatigable United States Postal Service, an ancient and noble order charged with the trust of millions of Americans daily, the very backbone of that great nation without which inter- and intra-state commerce and communication would grind to a halt.
If Euridice thought this an easy conquest, she was soon proved to be mistaken. This noble courier represented a tradition enshrined in the very text of the US Constitution itself, and she would be damned if she would do anything less than conduct herself with honor on the field of battle.
“EURIDICE!” Chad yelled as the two fighters exchanged blows. Around them, several of their neighbors had turned to watch the fracas, though miraculously nobody was holding a phone to record the proceedings.
“EURIDICE! I HAVE THE DAMN PACKAGE!” Chad yelled again, waving it in the air. The two women stopped - Euridice was locked in a headlock which she was attempting to break by punching the other woman in the stomach - and stared at him.
“Did you sign for it?” the postal worker said accusingly. Chad nodded.
“Well damn that’s all you had to say,” she said, releasing the angel and brushing at her uniform to smooth out the wrinkles. Euridice straightened up and cleared her throat with a rough cough.
“You fought well, noble Amazon,” she managed, holding out her hand to shake. “You have done your people proud.”
“If that’s you saying you’re sorry then I accept,” her erstwhile opponent said, taking her hand. The two warriors shook hands, and walked back towards Chad.
“I’m sorry about her,” Chad said, handing over the tablet. “She, uh, she’s new around here.”
“Nah don’t sweat it,” the postal worker said. “This isn’t even going to be the third weirdest shit I’ve seen on this route. You have a good day now.”
She tipped her hat at Chad, turned, and went on her way.
Euridice had returned to the house and was already tearing at the packing tape on the box when Chad closed the front door behind him. “Euri, what the hell was that about-”
“Do you think I earned enough experience from that fight to level up?” she said absent-mindedly as she tore through the packaging. “And more importantly what do you think of this?”
She held up a bright baby pink tube top that, if Chad was any judge, would struggle to hold back her generous bosom and would leave her soft stomach bare. He blinked, then sighed.
“I…” he stopped, defeated. “It’s very cute, Euri.”
His angel responded with a beatific smile.