Chapter Seven: My Cat-Girl Assassin Waifu Throws A Slumber Party!

"So, what're the rules of your deal again?"

Chad and Jeff were sitting in a booth at O'Malley's, nursing a pair of single malts. Jeff was buying, so Chad felt no guilt heading for the top shelf. His friend had come over to tidy up a few loose ends with the medical insurance fiasco, and they'd decided to get a drink to discuss Chad's... unique situation in privacy.

"It's, uh," Chad swirled the amber liquid in his glass and took a swig. "It's called a SexBond--"

"You what," Jeff cut in.

"I didn't make it up!" Chad said, holding up his hands in protest. "The idea is, when you open your heart to someone-- really, truly open your heart-- you share a part of your soul, and that enables you to share magical energy between each other. It just so happens that the most efficacious way to form that bond is through sex."

"Hence... SexBonding."

"Yeah." Chad said, taking another hit. "I mean, here on Earth, you have stuff like Kundalini and Tantra that's kind of along the same lines. Dahlia reckons that because Earth has lower levels of ambient magic, it doesn't really work the same way here, but the principle is similar."

"I gotta tell ya, if I hadn't seen Dahlia and Euridice's wings, I'd still think you were full of shit," Jeff said, finishing his drink. He waved his hand above his head and a waitress brought a couple of more drinks. "The weird part is how it all sounds like one of your books."

"Yes and no," Chad said. "I mean, the idea has to come from somewhere, right? But these are real people, Jeff."

"So like..." Jeff said, waggling his eyebrows. "The sex... do the girls... you know..."

Chad laughed. "Oh. Jeff. Dude. You have no freaking idea."

*****

"Stacey-chan!" NekoNeko said, wrapping her friend in a big hug. Stacey hugged her back, the bottles in her paper shopping bag clinking together behind the catgirl's back.

"NekoNeko! I'm so glad you invited me over," Stacey said when the perky catgirl let her breathe. She was wearing a vintage-style crinoline skirt and blouse that made the most of her curves, paired with bold red lipstick and smoky eyeliner. "Are you sure your flatmates won't mind?"

"Chad-sama is NekoNeko's only mate and these other floozies are just charity cases," NekoNeko explained airily, waving her friend into the house. She led her into the living room, taking the shopping bag and placing it on the coffee table. "Chad-sama is always saying we need to adjust more to life here on Earth and so NekoNeko is simply obeying Chad-sama's wishes by following the ancient feminine rituals of this world."

Stacey paused for a moment to translate this into normal-person talk. "You haven't actually asked him have you?"

"You have a saying here, 'better to ask forgiveness than permission.' Maybe there are some intelligent humans after all. Present company excepted." NekoNeko clapped her hands, abruptly changing the subject. "Now! NekoNeko will get glasses, you make yourself comfortable!"

The living room was large and cozy, with an L-shaped plush couch covered in pillows and a seven-year-old TV with a chipped corner where NekoNeko had hit it with a flying Wiimote. Stacey set her shoppnig bag on the table and gingerly sat on the edge of couch, too nervous to move the pillows to make room for herself.

"Tell me everything about fucking machines!"

"Ah!" Stacey jumped in her seat, looking over her shoulder to see Yuri perched like a meerkat over the back of the couch fixing her with an incredibly intense stare.

"I'm trying to build one myself from an old reciprocating saw engine but I can't seem to get the torque right," Yuri continued, as if she hadn't just shaved four years off Stacey's life. "Is it a question of needing to replace the actuators, or do I need to invest in a DC to AC converter? Or is it just that the machine spirits are entirely incompatible with the two purposes? I mean, on the face of it, building an orgasm shouldn't be too much different from building a house, metaphorically speaking, but if a saw is more properly aligned with the Destruction aspect--"

"You really need to let our guest settle in, Yuri dear," Euridice said, making a graceful descent from the staircase with her wings held at rest behind her back. "I also think Stacey is more a retailer than a mechanical expert, yes?"

Stacey's jaw dropped- she thought she'd been prepared for meeting NekoNeko's friends, but she hadn't quite been prepared for the 'bird-brain top heavy bimbo' to be quite so... breathtaking.

"Oh, did I spill something on me?" Euridice said, pulling out the hem of her tank top to inspect for stains.

"It's the wings dear," Dahlia said, coming down after her. She'd taken the trouble of casting an illusion on herself to spare Stacey exactly this kind of reaction to her demonic form, so she was merely stunningly beautiful in yoga pants and a black low-cut halter neck top - which was as close as Dahlia ever got to dressed down. "For some daft reason they think your people are messengers of God in this world."

"Just the one God?" Euridice asked quizzicly over her shoulder as she moved to join Yuri and Stacey on the sofa. "Isn't that a lot of responsibility for one deity to take on?

"I gather there are territorial disputes," Dahlia continued airly, following her and extending one hand to their guest. "I'm Dahlia, the small Elf girl who really needs to learn how to blink is Yuri, and tall-blonde-and-feathery there is named Duran Duran."

"Like the band?" Stacey asked, bewildered."

"I swear all of my cultural research is wasted on you peons," Dahlia complained.

"She's joking," Euridice said. "My name is Euridice, and it's so nice to meet you. We're so glad NekoNeko has been making friends."

"Well, at least I think she's my friend?" Stacey said. "Half of our chats she's complaining about you three 'scheming to take Chad-sama's precious bodily fluids' and the other half she's trying to get me to join your... your..."

"Harem, darling," Dahlia said, patting her on the knee. "I gather the word has some different connotations on your world, but on Aeternia it's really quite commonplace."

"Right," Stacey said. "Uh, because I've been reading some of Chad's books as research-"

All three of the harem members burst into laughter, just as NekoNeko walked into the room carrying a tray with five glasses, a bottle of gin and a bottle of tonic water.

"What nonsense have you been pouring into NekoNeko's friend's delicate shell-like ears? Hmm?" the catgirl asked archly, setting the tray down.

"Stacey was just saying she was reading Chad's books for research on our... living arrangement."

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"Oh! You mean the utterly brilliant absolutely stunning titans of literature that is Chad-sama's heartbreaking works of staggering genius!" NekoNeko said, clasping her hands under her chin and looking at the ceiling with sparkling eyes.

"Uh..." Stacey said, breaking the silence when NekoNeko stood stock-still for five uncomfortable seconds.

"Give her a second, she gets like this," Dahlia explained.

"You have to tell me what parts you liked best!" NekoNeko continued, quickly falling to her knees and putting her hands on Stacey's lap. "Did you like the part where Chad-sama fought the ferocious Crimson Claw to a standstill? Did you like the part where their eyes met and they knew they would be together forever? Or did you like the part in the hot springs where-"

"I, um, yes?" Stacey said, retreating into the pile of pillows. "Actually I had a question for you guys? So, uh, do you all, make love-"

"Oh, we take turns most nights," Euridice explained matter of fact. "But sometimes if two or more of us want to share the bed with Chad, then we will do that too."

"Right," Stacey said, blushing. "But, do you guys, with each other?"

"Euridice and I share a bedroom, if that's what you're asking," Dahlia said, taking the angel's hand. "Yuri and NekoNeko... not so much, but sometimes..."

"A girl has needs," Yuri piped in. "And NekoNeko is a most efficient and enthusiastic lover. If a bit of a pillow princess."

"NekoNeko is a princess!" NekoNeko exclaimed. "Whether sitting on a pillow or otherwise!"

"Right," Stacey said. "But what about other men?"

The four girls looked at each other.

"Why on earth would we want to do that?" Dahlia asked.

"Well, in polyamorous relationships here on Earth," Stacey explained, starting to feel slightly uncomfortable, "we kind of advise against arrangements with a 'one penis policy' as its' reflective of patriarchal-"

"It's not a policy, hun," Euridice said kindly. "We don't love other men. We just love Chad."

"NekoNeko loves Chad-sama the best!" NekoNeko chimed in. "Because NekoNeko is best girl!"

"I'm quite content with our current mate bonding arrangement," Yuri said quietly.

"When you've had the best, why fuck with the rest?" Dahlia said airily. "I'm a succubus honey, believe me, I know I'm not missing out on anything."

"Uh..." Stacey stammered. "Um, who wants a drink?"

"NekoNeko makes best drinks!" the catgirl shouted, spinning off the gin bottle. Euridice moved to intercept her, all too aware that the agile assassin was quite the heavy pourer, but it was too late, she was already splashing the gin into the glasses, holding the bottle nearly vertical.

"You did ask," Yuri said to Stacey, a faint smug smile on her lips.

*****

"OK but wait," Jeff said, more than a little tipsy. "You can do magic? Like making the Statue of Liberty disappear?"

"I'm not a magician, Jeff," Chad said, mock-offended. "I'm a wizard. There's a difference."

"Sure there is Hufflepuff," Jeff retorted. "So you, what, wave a wand around and 'Shazam!' huh?"

Chad shrugged and held out one arm, his palm facing up. A small swirlf of magical ink swelled out of his skin and formed a three-inch-high pillar that blossomed into a glossy black flower.

"I pretty much do this," he said. "I can manipulate the ink to form tools, weapons, armor, restraints, constructs..."

"So basically Green Lantern rules?" Jeff said. "You know I wrote a spec script for that right?"

"So that movie was your fault, huh?" Chad laughed. "But yeah, pretty much."

"That abomination was nothing like my vision," Jeff huffed, indignant.

"There's some other stuff too that I can't really do over here," Chad continued. "Earth just doesn't have as much inherent magical energy. Don't know why, Dahlia thinks it's just a natural variation across worlds in the cosmos."

"And this SexBond thing is what makes your powers work?" Jess asked, getting back on topic.

Chad shrugged. "It's more of a complimentary thing. Their energy adds to mine, and mine to theirs. If you wanted to put numbers on it, I guess each Bond increases my stats by about 25%, but each harem member has their own strengths, so the Charisma boost Dahlia gave me is less than the--"

"Oh come the fuck on," Jeff said, slapping his hands on the table. They were several whiskeys deep at this point and Jeff was always an expressive drunk. "There's RPG stats now? You spent the last two years playing Horny Runescape?"

"Don't look at me!" Chad said, holding up his hands in surrender. "I never did get a good handle on it, Yuri was always the math whiz, but Aeternian sages have developed a way to quantify the abstract qualities inherent in every living soul. It's not like I've got a virtual-reality heads-up-display or anything, but by meditating and accessing my personal Akashic Record--"

"And now we're on the Madame Blavatsky shit," Jeff said shaking his head. "You know I went to a Steiner school right? I left all that cult shit behind me."

"Don't know what else to tell you man," Chad said, raising his glass in a toast. "Shit is fucked up all over."

"I'll drink to that," Jeff said, clinking his drink to his friend's.

*****

"And then I went Zoom! Zap! Swish!" NekoNeko said, balancing precariously on the back of the couch. "And the baddies were like, 'arrrgh, we suck and are not hot like you are, Best Girl NekoNeko!' And then they died because they suck and I rule!"

"NekoNeko, dear, you're going to fall and hurt yourself-" Euridice said with concern.

"Catgirls always land on their feet! Huzzah!"

"She's exaggerating," Yuri said, sipping her G and T through a straw. "She's missing out the part where I super-charged the lightning coils and channelled the skyship's machine spirit to reverse the polarity and fry the enemy boarding party."

"I said "Zap!" didn't I?" NekoNeko retorted.

"So Stacey," Euridice said, ignoring the percariously balanced catgirl. "Tell us about yourself. How did you end up as an erotic item merchant?"

"Uh, I needed work, saw the ad and applied?" Stacey said. "It's not like it's my calling or whatever. I'm actually doing correspondence school for library science and sew clothes in my spare time."

"Oh wow," Euridice said, impressed. "That's amazing. On Aeternia people tend to just pick one career and stick with it for their whole life."

"I don't think I'd call what I do a career," Stacey said. "I just recommend dildoes and novelty party supplies to bachelorette parties. It pays OK and the boss lets me wear whatever I want, so, its fine I guess."

"Matching machine spirits to their wielders is a sacred responsibility in my culture," Yuri said, stirring her drink with her straw. "Purring Contentedly In Sunlight was an excellent fit for NekoNeko, you should be proud."

"I'm sorry?" Stacey asked, confused.

"She means the vibrator you picked for this weirdo here," Dahlia said, jerking her thumb at NekoNeko who was still play-acting her heroic exploits to herself. "She barely let the damn thing cool down the entire time she was in heat."

"Oh. Uh. I have to say its weird to think of a vibrator as being alive, let alone having a personality," Stacey said blushing.

"I've noticed that people here don't treat their machines with the respect they deserve," Yuri said sadly. "It's quite sad, really, considering just how rich this planet is with spirits."

"Look, enough nerd talk," NekoNeko said, landing back on the couch with a plop and pouring another drink. "Sleepover! Girl talk! Who is your crush! When are you going to fuck Chad-sama?!"

"I-- uh-- what--" Stacey spluttered.

"NekoNeko thinks that because she defeated you in battle, you have to join the harem now," Dahlia explained, an amused smile on her face.

"That's just how this works!" NekoNeko exclaimed. "Chad and Euridice defeated Dahlia and she joined the harem, Chad-sama defeated NekoNeko and NekoNeko joined the harem. So when NekoNeko defeated you, you have to join!"

"I thought you didn't like it when other women were with Chad?" Stacey asked, her head spinning.

"I don't! But it's also the rules, and Chad-sama needs every piece of magical power he can get to defeat the Demon Queen, so NekoNeko graciously allows inferior witches to enter into SexBonding but only on the understanding that they are subordinate to NekoNeko as NekoNeko is Best Girl!"

"I think it kind of turns her on to be honest," Dahlia said. "She has a huge cuckquean fetish, she just won't admit it."

"NekoNeko is a queen!" the catgirl insisted. "I don't see what is so hard to understand about this!"

"Look, I've met the guy like once," Stacey said, holding up her hands. "He's good looking and he seems nice but that's just not how things work here. Besides, it kinda felt like he was avoiding me."

"Oh, that's just Chad being silly," Euridice said. "He thinks he doesn't want to get other people involved in our fight against the Demon Queen, Malefice. It's just his noble protective streak acting up, he'll get over it."

"Even so," Stacey said. "I'm not against polyamorous relationships, but we haven't even gone on a date yet. I just think you're jumping the gun, NekoNeko."

"Ah! So you want a shotgun wedding! NekoNeko has heard about this!" The tabby-furred catgirl vaulted over the back of the couch and raced to her room and slammed the door.

"...should I be worried?" Stacey said, clearly worried.

"With her, who knows?" Dahlia said finishing her drink.

*****

Jeff and Chad caught an Uber back to Chad's place. Jeff had to fly back to LA on an afternoon flight tomorrow, so Chad offered up the couch. Jeff was thanking him again when Chad opened the front door and led him into the living room.

When they entered the room they saw Stacey tied up with the belt tie of Chad's bathrobe, Euridice holding a bouquet of flowers in her bound hands, Yuri passed out drunk on the floor and Dahlia holding a Bible next to NekoNeko, who was wearing an Elvis Presley '68 Comeback Special costume and holding a Nerf blaster to Stacey's back.

"Shotgun wedding!" NekoNeko exclaimed, proud of herself.

"Holy freaking Matrimony, Batman," Jeff muttered to himself. "This kind of thing happen a lot to you?"

"NekoNeko," Chad said sternly. "We talked about this."

"Uh, actually," Stacey said, "I... could be kinda into this."

"How is this your life now?" Jeff asked Chad, shaking his head.