Chapter Eight: My Angel Warrior Waifu Cultivates Our Front Lawn!

"Dahlia honey," Euridice said, looking at the letter in her hands like it was an un-triggered Explosion Rune Trap. "What's this about a Special Assessment?"

The succubus groaned and put her head in her hands.

They were sitting at the kitchen bench on a pair of ragged bar stools. Dahlia was grabbing a quick protein shake before heading to the gym; Euridice was opening the mail over lunch.

"Those bitches at the Homeowner's Association decided that everyone has to have matching grass species on their front lawn," Dahlia moaned into the bench top. "I swear to all that is unholy, the Demon Realm could never invent a torment half as excruciating at having to listen to those crows debate the merits of Fescue over Buffalo grass."

"This looks like a lot of money," Euridice said. "Can they really just... demand we pay this?"

"It's either that or we rip up and re-seed the grass ourselves," Dahlia said, levering herself up off the bench and grabbing her shake. "Look, I've got to jet, can you promise me you won't do anything rash until I get home and we can talk about this?"

"Mmm-hm," Euridice said distractedly.

"Euridice!" Dahlia snapped, grabbing her chin and tilting her head up, fixing a death glare on her friend. "Promise me. You won't. Do. Anything. Until I get home and we can talk about this?"

They were interrupted by the blare of a car horn from the street.

"Sounds like you'd better run sweetie," Euridice said, quite carefully not promising anything. Dahlia's carpool buddy leaned on the horn.

"Fine. Fine!" Dahlia snapped. "But I'd better not come home to find any shenanigans!"

"Bye honey!"

"OR any GOINGS-ON!" Dahlia yelled from the front door, slamming it behind her.

Chad poked his head out from his study door, having scooted out to the door frame at the sound of yelling. He looked tired, and had a pencil tucked behind his right ear.

"What was that about?" he asked, worried.

"Oh, you know Dahlia, always such a worry-wart. You doing OK lover?" Euridice said, changing the subject.

"Ugh, It's this whole Writeathon thing," Chad groused, massaging his temples. "Can you believe they want 25k in two weeks to qualify for the promotion? That's like... A lot. And I've still got to commission cover art, talk to designers, figure out key words for Amazon ad services..."

"Oh I could ask that nice Amazon warrior who brings the parcel for some tips if you like," Euridice said, perking up. "You know after that initial misunderstanding, she's actually quite a nice lady. I really respect someone with a fellow warrior code."

Chad paused, considered correcting her, decided against it, and slowly started scooting back to his desk.

"Right," Euridice said, pushing up her sleeves and staring at the letter. "Growing grass. I've battled demons and shattered golems and gosh darn it, I have a perky can-do attitude. How hard can it be?"

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When Dahlia's friend dropped her back at the house, she was disappointed but not surprised to see Euridice already hard at work.

She was wearing a large floppy straw hat, a white blouse matched with denim overalls whose straps were extended as far as they could but still sruggled to keep her heavenly assets contained. She was humming to herself and mechanically attacking the sod on the front lawn with a hoe she had found in the garage.

"Euri..." Dahlia said, standing on the footpath with her gym bag over her shoulder. "What was the one thing I asked you to do?"

"I don't think this counts as shenanigans in the slightest," Euridice said, pausing in her work and wiping her forehead with her arm. "It's quite relaxing actually, and good exercise besides."

"You know they make chemicals for that, don't you?" Dahlia said. "If you're just looking to remove the old growth--"

"Dahlia!" Euridice looked aghast. "Did you learn nothing from that nice Druid we met on Aeternia? The land is part of us and we need to treat her with respect and dignity!"

"That Druid also wanted to sacrifice us to Emulchia, and have our blood nourish her pagan god so that she might raise an army of wood spirits to fight off Malefice's forces occupying her village," Dahlia said. "I don't know if she's really the kind of person you want to take gardening tips from."

"Sweetie," Euridice said, with the tone of a mother lecturing a small child, "if I stayed cross with every single person who tried to kill us, we simply wouldn't have any friends at all."

Dahlia had to concede the point.

"And besides, once Chad offered to fertilise the soil himself--"

Dahlia shuddered. "There are some fetishes that even I don't have, please don't remind me."

"How was I to know forest nymphs weren't exactly like how they're depicted in paintings?" Euridice said, hand on hip. "Anyway, it all worked out in the end."

[https://imgur.com/G9FSb1N.jpg]

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHY IS EVERYTHING ON FIRE!" Dahlia yelled, landing in the village square as the panicked townsfolk rushed to form a bucket line from the well to the town hall.

"Now now," Euridice said, panting as she rested herself on the hilt of her giant two-handed sword. "We really shouldn't pass judgement on the local customs--"

"WHY IS THAT PLANT GOLEM TWENTY FEET TALL ALL OF A SUDDEN!" Dahlia continued, pointing at the collossal twisted mass of vines in the rough shape of a giant human that towered over the village, laying waste to everything in its path with fists the size of ox carts.

"Look, how was I supposed to know that forest nymphs weren't exactly like how they're depicted in paintings?" Euridice said crossly.

Section Break [https://imgur.com/G9FSb1N.jpg]

"Nature is built on a cycle of destruction and rebirth, after all," Euridice continued. "The new village buildings were much prettier anyway."

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

"We spent a month doing nothing but menial labour." Dahlia pinched the bridge of her nose. "Just... don't go overboard. OK?"

Euridice looked at her with wide, innocent eyes.

"Just sow the seeds and if it doesn't take we'll just pay the landscaper to lay new sod," Dahlia continued. "Promise me, OK?"

"Oh, can you get the casserole out of the oven for me?" Euridice said, quite pointedly not promising anything. "I'd do it but my hands are dirty, and--"

Dahlia rolled her eyes and headed inside.

[https://imgur.com/G9FSb1N.jpg]

The next day, Dahlia woke to find that Euridice had already gotten out of bed.

This wasn't unusual-- the angel was an early riser and Dahlia rarely woke before noon-- but something gave her a rising sense of dread nonetheless.

She threw off the comforter and stretched, enjoying the feeling of her full-length cotton button-up pajamas against her skin. There was something so delightfully perverse about covering up completely at night-time, when a succubus was supposed to be at work draining the lust-energy of mortals in their sleep.

In fact, there was a lot about the traditional succubus way of life that didn't make much sense to her now, she mused as she got out of bed and padded down the stairs to grab a late breakfast. Under Malefice's centuries-long rule, succubi had been taught that mortals were chattal, to be fed upon and used for demon pleasures and the greater glory of Malefice. It hadn't been until she met Chad that she'd seen that there was another way-- a better way-- for humans and demons to co-exist peacefully.

That said, she mused, as she fussed about the kitchen assembling a bowl of sugary cereal and popping bread in the toaster, some humans were easier to co-exist with than others. The girls on the soccer team for example, were absolute sweethearts even apart from all of the lovely lust energy she absorbed from teasing them mercilessly.

The Homeowner's Association, on the other hand, were every bit as sociopathically single-minded on their own interests as Malefice herself. Tina, Clara, Laura... all of them eager to use what little power they had to screw every little bit of 'value' out of their neighbors to chase some dream someone else made up for them. Euridice would probably just feel sorry for them, but Dahlia - while she was trying to be a better person - wasn't quite there yet.

Speaking of that featherbrain, Dahlia thought. Where the hell is she?

"Chad darling," she called out, spotting her lover sitting at his desk through his office door. "Any idea where Euridice got to?"

"Something about making a Home Depot run?" he shouted back, spinning in his chair to face the door. "I'm sorry I've got three calls scheduled with artists today, so I've got to--"

"It's fine love," Dahlia said, blowing him a kiss. "Just leave it all to me."

Chad blew one back with a mouthed 'thank you' and spun back to his work.

"DIE, FOUL FIEND, DIE!"

The battle-cry had come from the front porch, and was accompanied by a strangled bird-squawk. Dahlia took one long, desperate look at her half-assembled breakfast, then sighed. If NekoNeko was left unsupervised for any length of time, it would probably be a major headache.

She opened the front door to see the catgirl - thankfully disguised under an illusion - crouched in the middle of the front yard, hissing ferociously at a rapidly retreating sparrow.

The front yard itself was...

Well, give Euridice credit, when she set her mind to something, she did it. The ground had been dug up and raked level, and the edges were carefully trimmed. If she didn't know better, she would have assumed it was a professional job, not just an over-eager amateur who didn't know when to quit.

"Next time you'll be NekoNeko's breakfast, beak-brain!" NekoNeko shouted, waving one fist in the air.

"Dare I ask what the hell you're doing?" Dahlia drawled, leaning against the railing of the veranda.

"Euridice said to keep the birds away from her seeds," NekoNeko said smugly as she got to her feet. "NekoNeko is the finest assassin the world, so these criminal flying rodents are no match for--"

Another bird tried its luck, alighting on the other side of the yard and starting to peck at the ground. NekoNeko took a standing leap from where she stood and flew across the well-turned dirt, hands outstretched, only for the sparrow to fly to safety at the first sound she made.

"You better run!" NekoNeko shouted, shaking her fist after it. "The Crimson Claw will never be defeated!"

"I'm no gardener," Dahlia said, "but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be standing on freshly sown seeds."

"Pah! The Crimson Claw's footsteps are as light as the morning dew," NekoNeko proclaimed, walking back to the path between the two halves of the yard, leaving heavy footprints in her wake. "True vigilance against the intruders is worth any sacrifice-- Halt, Evildoer!"

Dahlia rolled her eyes and was about to go back inside when a white pick-up pulled up next to the curb. The tray was packed full of sacks of what Dahlia could only assume was gardening stuff, a couple of rolls of bird netting, some plastic tubing...

"Oh fuck me," Dahlia said. "She's gone off the deep end."

Euridice got out of the passenger side and waved at Dahlia, who suddenly realised she was still in her sleepwear and blushed, feeling more undressed than she would be in her usual skin-baring attire. NekoNeko gave a muffled yelp of mixed victory and greeting, galloping up to her on all fours with a sparrow clutched in her mouth.

"Mmmf mmph!" the catgirl added, and Euridice gave her a gentle pat on the head.

"Thank you so much!" Euridice said to her. "But you have to let the poor dear go now, okay?"

"Mmmph mmmf--" NekoNeko said, before clutching the bird in her hands and removing it from her mouth. "But if NekoNeko does that, this pest will only return to threaten our lands once more! If we show mercy, how will these wretches learn to fear us?"

"Now sweetie, I'm sure this little thing was just trying to feed their family, weren't you?" Euridice cooed, bending down to stroke the bird's head and address it directly. "If you promise to hunt somewhere else, I'll see about putting out a bird feeder for you later? Hmm?"

The sparrow chirped, either out of fear or agreement Dahlia couldn't tell, but Euridice nodded.

"Thank you so much NekoNeko, you've done an amazing job," Euridice said and the catgirl beamed with pride. "Can you let our new friend go now? Please?"

"Grrr..." she growled. "Fine, but if I see you around here again I'm leaving you on Chad-sama's bed as a present! Then he will finally acknowledge that NekoNeko is truly Best Girl!"

The bird chirped again, and NekoNeko opened her hands to let the poor bird fly free.

"I seen some crazy white people shit in my time but you take the cake," the driver of the truck said. It took Dahlia a minute to place her out of uniform, but eventually she clicked-- the mailwoman who Euridice had struck up a friendship with. "You talking to birds now?"

"Every living thing is just a friend we haven't met yet," Euridice said with a beatific smile. "Tanya, have you met Dahlia and Nyantalie?"

Tanya walked to the back of the truck and let down the tailgate. "I seen 'em. Hey."

Dahlia waved, still somewhat bemused, and NekoNeko got to her feet, waving a lot more enthusiastically.

"Nyantalie, can you give Tonya a hand? I just need to chat with Dahlia then I'll be right there." The catgirl nodded and bounced over to help unload the truck.

"I know what you're thinking," Euridice said as she walked up the front steps and wrapped her arms around Dahlia's waist.

"Do you?" the succubus asked, twisting out of her grasp. "Because this has all the hallmarks of one of your hyper-fixations. You're going to sink all this time and money into this gardening thing and in a month's time it'll be me who has to remind you to do the weeding. Just like when you discovered embroidery and all of a sudden we all have matching uniforms but a week later you've moved on to something else and I can't move in our cabin for all the boxes of thread."

"Baby," Euridice said, sounding hurt. "I just--"

"Don't you try to sweet talk your way out of this," Dahlia continued, pointing a finger. "You know how this goes. How much did this little shopping trip cost you?"

Euridice told her. Dahlia groaned.

"For just a little bit more we could have just paid the HOA their blood money and be done with it," Dahlia scolded. "Instead you've gone and, I don't know what half of that crap is but I'm willing to bet in a month it'll be covered with dust and competing with Yuri's spare parts for space in the garage."

"Now that's not fair," Euridice said, pouting. "This is... look. You all have things going on. Yuri has her work at the garage--"

"--You mean the illegal underground chop shop--"

"--You have your friends at the Polecats, Chad has his writing, even NekoNeko has made a friend." Euridice put her hands on her substantial hips, her nose crinkling like it did whenever she got worked up. "All I've had to keep me busy is housework, and while I don't mind it's not exactly the most stimulating thing in the world, picking up after all of you."

Dahlia felt a little guilty at that. It wasn't like she meant to let Euridice pick up all the domestic chores, it had just kind of... happened.

"Tonya was saying her cousin runs a landscaping business," Euridice continued. "That if I wanted she could ask if he had work for me, and I said yes. This was fun, Dahlia. Remember when we had fun?"

"Yeah," the succubus conceded. "Yeah, I remember. I just worry about you, you know?"

"Silly billy," the angel said, tapping her on the nose. "I'm your guardian angel, remember? Worrying is my job."

"Hey!" NekoNeko yelled from the truck. "Are you harlots going to help or does Nyantalie have to do all the work, as usual? Do I have to tell Chad-Sama that you freeloaders aren't pulling your weight?"

"Pipe down, pipsqueak," Dahlia said with a wry smile. "I'm coming."

"Then you can help me set up the automatic irrigation system," Euridice said to Dahlia with a smile. "And help me stake out the bird netting. And..."

Dahlia just groaned. She'd picked the wrong day to wake up, apparently.