Chapter Nine: My Catgirl Assassin Waifu Faces Mankind's Most Deadly Enemy!

When Chad came out of his office for a quick coffee hit, NekoNeko was kneeling by the front window, her face pressed against the glass, with her tail beating a steady, firm time.

Chad knew this look. And he wanted nothing to do with it.

He reached over the kitchen counter and checked that the jug had enough water in it. He flicked the switch, unscrewed the jar of cheap instant coffee – he needed the caffeine, he wasn’t so concerned with flavor right now – and carefully, quietly, shovelled two heaped spoons into a plain white mug.

Still no reaction. The Crimson Claw could wait hours, if not days, to ambush her prey. She was capable of inhuman focus when she wanted to.

Holding his breath, he waited for the jug to click off. NekoNeko’s ear twitched – there was no way she hadn’t heard that, but whatever it was that she was waiting for still held her utmost attention. Keeping his breathing soft and slow, Chad reached into the fridge for the cream, poured it into the mug while keeping the fridge open with his foot.

Quickly, carefully, he replaced the cream in the fridge door and let it swing close with a soft fhwhump sound. His heart started to race – he was so close to victory he could taste it – he lifted the jug from its baseplate and poured the hot water into the mug-

“AHA! I have you now!” NekoNeko yelled, opening the window and leaping out, her feet pushing off the windowsill to launch her over the flowerbed in a graceful arc over the bird netting protecting Euridice’s front lawn.

“Goddammit,” Chad said to himself, staring at his coffee and resigning himself to reheating it in the microwave later.

A mingled cacophony of honks and cat-screeches was audible through the front door as he languidly walked down the hall. With a resigned sigh, he turned the door handle and walked onto the front porch.

NekoNeko had her hands wrapped around the neck of a large Canadian Goose, who was buffeting her about the face and head with its powerful wings and kicking at her stomach with its feet. They were rolling around the path and over the bird netting, smooshing any newly-sprouted grass seeds that had the misfortune of being underneath them.

“Nyantalie!” he snapped, using her cover name out of reflex even though her tails and ears were visible by anyone who happened to be looking out of their windows. “No! Bad kitty! Let him—”

He rushed to her side and grabbed her wrists, causing her to release her victim and putting him within reach of the bird’s powerful wings. He was momentarily dazed by it’s blows as he dragged her backwards, up the porch steps and into the hallway. The goose pursued them, honking and snapping its beak at NekoNeko’s feet.

“Close the door! Close the—” he yelled, and NekoNeko kicked it close just as the bird’s beak collided with the thick wooden door.

“NekoNeko, what the hell—” Chad began, letting her go. She rolled onto her hands and feet and spun around to face him.

“I had him right where I wanted him!” she said. “That fiend has been coming here every day to eat Euridice’s precious seed! Which is a very different kind of precious seed than Chad-sama’s precious seed! That he wastes on women who are not NekoNeko for strange and inscrutable reasons that NekoNeko will never understand!”

“Yeah, uh, about that,” Chad said, rubbing his head where the goose had winged him. “Aren’t you the one trying to get me to hook up with Stacey?”

“That’s different! Because the Crimson Claw has defeated her in single combat, she is now NekoNeko’s friend! And that means Chad-sama can SexBond with her to add her powers to Chad’s own! I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them!”

“Right,” Chad said, deciding to drop it. “But, look, Euridice put up the bird netting so you don’t have to defend the lawn any more. It’s fine.”

“Is it, Chad-sama?” the catgirl said, fixing him with a piercing stare. “This monster has invaded our territory. This monster has disrespected this house, this family. Also, it keeps ripping up the stakes and getting to the grass anyway.”

“OK, but this isn’t Aeternia. You can’t just go apeshit on random animals like that.”

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“Look at him, Chad-sama.” She pointed to the front door. There were narrow windows set on each side of the door frame. Through them, they could see the goose going on a rampage, tearing through the netting with abandon. “Look at him! He mocks me, mocks us. This insult cannot stand!”

“Fine. Fine. He has to go,” Chad conceded. “But you can’t kill a goose out of season. Well, you can but we don’t need the heat if one of those HOA bitches sees us and squeals.”

He pulled out his phone and opened a browser, talking as he typed. “Canada geese… oh hey, ‘Can you kill Canada geese in Michigan’ is like the first autofill. Google knows what’s up. Let’s see…”

NekoNeko stared at him intently, the rapid whipping back and forth of her tail the only indication of her rising bloodlust.

“Hunting season runs from September first to early February…” he said, his mouth stretching into a predatory grin. “Oh yeah. It’s foie gras time, bitches.”

He hit the power button on the phone and got to his feet.

“This goose…” he said, pausing for dramatic effect, “…is cooked.”

NekoNeko stared at him. “No, it isn’t. That’s the problem. If the goose was cooked, then it would not be destroying the lawn.”

The goose honked angrily as if to echo her point.

“…let’s just kill this thing,” Chad said.

“That’s what NekoNeko has been saying!” the catgirl said.

“Can you just let me have a cool line? Just once?” Chad asked her, eyebrow raised.

“Whatever you say, Chad-sama!”

Chad could only sigh.

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"NekoNeko, can you hear me?" Chad stage-whispered into his Bluetooth headset.

"Loud and clear, Chad-sama," NekoNeko replied. It had taken a bit of poking and prodding to get the earbuds to sit properly into her cat ears, but they'd managed eventually. "In position and ready to strike."

Chad gripped the front door handle. He could see their enemy strutting back and forth on the porch, it's long neck bobbing back and forth, the occasional aggressive honk to taunt him.

We'll see who's laughing after this, Chad thought to himself.

"OK. Hit it."

Chad heard the sectional door of the garage start to roll up and looked out the window. The goose heard it too, and spread its wings wide and charged towards the door.

Chad took the opportunity, slipping out the door and closing it behind him. It had been a while since he'd used his magic, and it was much, much harder to summon his ink on Earth compared to Aeternia, but he was stubborn. Pouring his will into his mana reserves, he found the familiar source of his power- the Inkwell, he called it- and when the swirling black magical energy wreathed around his fingers, he let the tendrils whip out and ensnare the goose by the wings.

The bird was quicker, taking to the air and flying over the bannister with an aggreived honk. NekoNeko rounded the corner, claws outstretched and tail straight out behind her for balance. The bird saw her coming, and- not one to shy away from a challenge- charged towards her with wings outstretched.

Cat and bird clashed in a whirling mess of fur and feathers, feline squeals and fowl bleats filling the quiet suburban air. Things were going sideways, this was meant to be a quick op, but the gray and white feathered agent of chaos had thrown all their careful plans out the window.

"Dammit!" Chad muttered, pulling his ink back to his hands and dashing down the steps. "Hold it still! I don't have a shot!"

"Forget about me, Chad-sama!" NekoNeko yelled as their melee spilled over onto the other side of the lawn, trampling over the bird netting and freshly sown seeds. "This bird cannot be allowed to live! No sacrifice is too much!"

"I can't lose you, NekoNeko!" Chad shouted back. "Not after all we've been through!"

"All my life I've searched for a worthy foe," NekoNeko said between attacks. "If I die then it will be with my hands on the throat of the monster who bested me!"

Tears coming to his eyes, Chad took a chance, lashing out with his power--

"Chad! NekoNeko! What in the name of goodness is going on here?"

Chad, NekoNeko, and the goose all stopped where they were. Chad's magical ink had wrapped around the goose's wings and throat, holding it in place, while the goose's feet were free to kick at NekoNeko. The catgirl in turn had her claws out and was just inches away from disembowling the fowl fiend.

Euridice had just gotten out of a chipped and dented pick-up with "Taylor Landscaping Company" stenciled on the side. She was wearing her overalls and carrying a

"This creature was defiling your garden, Euri!" NekoNeko exclaimed. "It was my duty to defeat this monster and bring it to justice!"

Euridice turned her head to the left, then slowly to the right, surveying the damage the battle had wrought.

"You OK, Euri?" the driver of the truck said. "Need a hand here?"

"Oh, that's OK, Eric," she said, using what Chad thought of as her Mom Voice. "These two are going to be giving me all the help I need."

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"Man, that was the most delicious bird you've ever cooked," Dahlia said, padding at her lips with a napkin. "I'm absolutely stuffed, Euri."

"Thank you, Euridice," Yuri said softly, folding her own napkin up nervously when she finished wiping her hands. "It's really impressive that you've found time to cook as well as work at your new job."

"Oh, Erik only needs me part time," the angel said, taking a sip of water. "Besides, I'm going to be having a lot more help around the house now."

"They've been out there a long time," Yuri said, turning in her seat to look out the window where Chad and NekoNeko were still re-seeding the lawn, sprinkling the seed as they walked back to the pathway. The goose held the hose in his beak, watering the seeds as they went. "Are you sure they don't need help?"

"Oh no," Euridice said. "I've left a plate for each of them in the oven. And besides, this should be a good team building exercise for them."

A lonely, plaintive honk from outside was met by raised voices.

"Peace is always an option," Euridice said with a smile.