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IMPROBABLE NONSENSE
6. Not to Be Rude or Anything But Isn't That Just a Hill?

6. Not to Be Rude or Anything But Isn't That Just a Hill?

The ‘Goddess’ and her ‘Disciples’ returned to the chapel, naturally, the Deliverer herself walked in front with her followers behind her. She went up to the alter and turned to her people, the crowd leaned in to behold her almighty voice. “I... erm…” The Goddess declared. “I would like for my, uh, Holy Vessel to be repaired! Like, right now, please!” The crowd turned and muttered to each other, what do these divine words mean? “This isn’t a metaphor, by the way. I actually want you to fix the ship.”

Xulut-Indula was at the Goddess’s side almost immediately. “Your holiness,” she spoke head bowed low. “You do not even need to ask! Your Holy Vessel, as you have named it, is already under repair as we speak!”

“Really?” She was surprised. “That was kinda fast.”

“Of course, anything touched by the Goddess is considered a Holy Site and must be taken care of at all costs.”

The disciple in the tattered coat couldn’t help but mutter, “how convenient.”

“Well then, I guess that’s it then.” The Goddess said, which was immediately followed by the Disciple in the tie giving her a bump with his elbow. “Oh yeah, um, as your Goddess I would love a tour around your… My city. You can take me to see some of these ‘Holy Sites’ maybe?”

The alien Priestess bowed deeper and smiled, “I shall be honored to show you our great Holy City! If you will just follow me…”

“Wait a moment, good Priestess.” Said a strong voice from the crowd. Everyone turned and watched the Royal Guard, Zerat-Mondul, approach the Deliverer and kneel heroically. “My Goddess, I would humbly request that your Disciples stay here with me. I wish to… learn from their great experience with you.”

Sophia couldn’t help but deflate a little, she turned to her friends with a wide-eyed expression that screamed, what the hell do I do?

The alarm bells in Neil’s head were buzzing loudly with, well, alarm. He could see it in all three of the man’s eyes, this guard was up to something, and it wasn’t good.

Alex’s quick thinking kicked in, “Oh Goddess!” He said, barely resisting the urge to drop to the floor again. “We would be delighted to share our experiences with one so loyal as this!”

“But…” Sophia started to protest, the thought of being out in this city alone was enough to make her want to scream inside.

“Thank you, good follower of the Goddess.” Said the Royal Guard with a coy smile. His gaze turned and looked at the blond-haired Disciple, a sour glint in all of his eyes. “I eagerly await the answers I seek.”

Now usually Timothy was pretty oblivious to people’s true intentions, his judge in character was as accurate as a broken clock- it was occasionally right but most times it was useless. This happened to be one of the rare occasions where he was able to piece together what someone wanted, and this guard definitely wanted something with him. What that was, he had no idea, but he knew that he probably shouldn’t give it to him.

“Sop…” Timothy stopped himself. “Goddess… I would like to come with you, to see the city, if you’d like that.”

In truth, Sophia would have preferred one of her closest friends to accompany her into the city. She could tell that this Timothy guy meant well, in fact, she highly doubted there was a bad bone in his body, but he wasn’t the most capable when it came to, you know, surviving. However, having anybody around at all would be better than travelling alone. “Yes, I would like that.” She declared hesitantly. “Guard, you may speak to my other Disciples, they’ll help you out.”

The disappointment in Zerat-Mondul’s face was apparent as a frown spread across his face. “Of course.” He said, standing up. “Thank you.”

The Hellilift where they now sat wasn’t like the one Timothy had ridden in on, this one was much more carriage-like. Instead of open space and a forcefield as the only barrier to the outside world, this lift was surrounded by lavish bronze that was studded end to end in spiraling symbols. Sophia wondered what they were supposed to represent but, in the end, she would never know that they were just a strange, meaningless design choice. Also, inside the ‘carriage’ were surprisingly comfortable seats next to a large window that overlooked the city. Naturally, it was at this window that the blond Disciple had decided to glue his face too.

“It is beautiful, isn’t it?” Said Xulut-Indula, observing the wide-eyed young man. “We made it all just for the Goddess.”

Sophia didn’t know whether or not to say think you or be uncomfortable, she chose the latter. “How long did it take?” She asked awkwardly, changing the subject. “I’ve never seen a city this big before, it must have taken ages.”

The Priestess chuckled. “My Goddess, surely you jest. This City is the result of thousands of years of work! There have been generations and generations of Quiludians building this monument up in the name of you! Surely you must have seen us.”

“Quiludians?” Timothy echoed his question, his face still plastered towards the city.

“Our people.” She clarified. The Priestess broke her gaze from Sophia and looked down at her feet, deep in thought.

Sophia knew she had messed up; these sorts of questions would never be asked by a God- she was sounding like a tourist. What would Alex say? She thought, thinking of her friend’s quick improv skills. She slowly moved over to Xulut-Indula and rested a hand on her shoulder, as gently as she could manage. “Hi,” she said, hating the sound of her own manipulative voice. “I just want to, uh, thank you for your devotion to me. This city, the church, everything is all so very nice.” She could tell from the beaming expression on the Quiludian’s face that her damage control was working. “It is wonderful to see it all up close!”

“Truly?” The Priestess cried. “I am glad that my devotion has not gone unheard!”

“Of course not, Xulut.” Sophia said, patting her shoulder and feeling very awkward about it.

The alien’s face dropped. “My Deliverer?”

Oh shit, what did I do now? “Yes?” Her voice came out high-pitched and wobbly.

“Why do you insult me so? Am I not worthy of you using my chosen name in its completion?”

“Oh!” Sophia realized her mistake. “My bad, I didn’t mean to insult you! I didn’t realize that it was not cool to shorten your name- I should have asked first.”

Xulut-Indula was truly confused. “But why does a God need to know the proper way to speak?”

Sophia couldn’t tell if she felt worse for screwing up her ‘god charade’ or misusing someone’s chosen name. She guessed she could feel bad about both at the same time.

In the corner, Timothy was listening to the conversation. He could tell that Sophia was trying her hardest but even he could tell she was slipping up a bit. To help he decided to change the subject. “We’ve almost landed!” He declared, successfully diverting the Priestess’s attention. “May I ask where we are now, it looks so interesting!”

Xulut-Indula looked out the window and smiled. “Ah.” She declared. “Welcome to Vendulla, one of the Five Holy Sites.”

Neil did not like the place that Zerat-Mondul took them to talk, which doesn’t really say a lot considering that Neil hadn’t liked being anywhere for the last year of his life. But this room, with its low ceiling and one hanging light, was probably in the top ten worse places to be for him. It was like a police-questioning room, its intimidating effect one diminished slightly by the golden walls.

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Alex and Neil were seated in chairs in front of a small table. There was no way in or out except for the small door they entered through, which sent a shiver down both of their spines. The guard had made a point to stand at the other end so that he could look down on the ‘Disciples.’ Needless to say, if you haven’t caught my drift yet, they were about to be interrogated.

“Good Guard.” Alex started with a humble smile. “What knowledge would you like to learn?”

Zerat-Mondul returned the smile, but it was half-hearted. “Yes, I just have a few questions about you and our Goddess. There is just so much that I would like to find out.”

He’s on to us. Neil thought, his face never showing it. “Well, where do we start?” He hoped his voice didn’t sound nervous- it did.

The Guard started to pace the floor, Alex only realizing now how annoying it was to watch someone walk up and down in place. “As the Royal Guard of the Goddess and the Church, I have to have the priorities of my faith in the forefront of my mind.” Zerat-Mondul began. “So, you must understand that I am on a constant watch for those who would seek to defy us, to make a mockery of the Deliverer and her followers.”

“Completely.” Alex nodded, where is this going?

“So, I was wondering, how do you watch for such defilers and heretics?” The same sour glint in his eye returned as he looked deep inside the two, searching for a response. “And how do you deal with them?”

Under the table, Neil could feel his hands shaking. He desperately wanted to turn to Alex for support, but he knew that any sign of doubt could doom them. In the other chair, Alex was flying through every possible response he could think of inside his head. He needed to answer quickly and correctly, which is much easier said than done.

“Well, it is easy to find a heretic when you are with the Goddess herself.” Alex spoke smoothly, the key was to make himself believe what he was saying. “When you are with a God it is not a difficult task to know the heart of those around you.”

The guard looked surprised; his answer was unexpected. “And how do you punish them?” He repeated, eagerly.

Alex bit his lip; this was the hard part. “You punish them according to the crime they commit, of course.” Please be right, please be right.

The guard nodded, his response annoyingly vague. “I see.”

The Hellilift had come to a stop before a giant round building. If you have been keeping track of all the descriptions so far, I’m sure your mind will be completely blown when I tell you it was made out of gold. But it wasn’t exactly a building, not quite. It was actually a round colosseum, albeit a very large one.

The Priestess gestured for the two to follow her inside. She made haste as she led them through halls and halls leading them up a flight of stairs to the top of the structure. All the while Timothy was just admiring every little thing and pointing to random vases and statues like a kid at a museum. Sophia wished he would stop; she was trying to focus herself on how to get out of the situation alive- which is very hard to do when your friend is having a ball.

Finally, after several tiring flights of stairs, Xulut-Indula led them up to where a large door sat. “Though here you may behold Vendulla!” The Priestess lowered a head and nodded in Timothy’s direction. “This is a privilege few are allowed to have- to gave upon the work of the Goddess herself.”

My work? Sophia thought in her head. “Let us see.”

With the deepest of bows, which is saying something with all the bowing that’s been happening lately, the Priestess swung open the door as sunlight burst through into their eyes.

“Oh.” Timothy said blankly. “That’s… interesting.”

Much to the anticlimax of it all, in the center of the colosseum sat… nothing. Well, except if you count the giant mound of dirty ground that rested blanky surrounded by the walls. Xulut-Indula looked at her Goddess with pride. “What great works you have made!”

“Ah, yes.” She replied, trying to act proud of a tiny hill. “Great work… me.”

“May I ask why it’s so great?” Sophia shot Timothy a dirty look as soon as he spoke, but his true-intentions clock wasn’t correct this time. “Not to be rude or anything but isn’t that just a hill?”

Xulut-Indula was incredulous. “Good Disciple, surely you know that the Goddess herself hand molded this land herself! Just as she did Aendulla, to the east!” She pointed out towards the horizon where they could just barely, barely make out an almost identical colosseum-shaped building.

“Yeah!” Sophia said, dramatically putting her hands on her hips. “Don’t you remember the time I told you that I, um, molded the land?”

Timothy lowed his head, embarrassed. “Oh.” He finally caught on. “Yes, I recall now, sorry.”

Standing beside the two, the Priestess wondered why the Goddess would choose such a fool as her follower? Maybe it was because of such stupidity? Did the Deliverer choose her Disciples based on who needed her most? “My Goddess, would you like to see Aendulla up close as well?”

Surprisingly, Sophia didn’t feel like going halfway across a planet to see another mound would be much use of her time. “No, I believe I’m good.” She replied. “But you can take me to the other Holy Sites, I would like that.”

“Follow me, Goddess.”

If it was physically possible, Neil would’ve shrunk down to the size of a pea and disappeared from the view of the world forever. Alex probably would’ve joined him if he wasn’t still lying for his life of course. The guard had sat down in front of them now, which didn’t make things any less stressful.

“I can tell that you are very devoted, my good Disciple.” Zerat-Mondul said to Alex. “May I ask you what your name is?”

It is normal for one to regurgitate their name as an answer, it’s almost a reflex. But right now, Alex had to hold in the urge to spurt out his name, he had some doubts. “As the closest Disciples of the Goddess, we have given up our names to honor her.” He had noticed that the names of the aliens weren’t exactly the type they had back on earth, he worried that if he gave his normal human name there would be a chance that they’d have some aversion to it.

Neil raised an eyebrow, guess I’m ‘Disciple with the crappy coat’ now.

“Forgive me, but I have a question for you now,” Alex said- he wanted to clear something up that had been bugging him. “It is clear that our appearance is not like yours, yet you have not commented on it at all.”

“You bare the resemblance of the Goddess, and you have traveled with her.” Zerat-Mondul put it plainly. “That was reason enough to not question it.”

Well, that clears that up. Alex looked over to his friend, Neil had almost sweated through his coat. “Are there any more questions that you would like to ask, Royal Guard?”

“Yes, there is.” He replied, standing up. He somehow looked taller now with his face darkened from the light. “But I would like to ask it in private, with you.” He pointed over at Neil, who shot a worried glance at his friend.

“Surely you can ask us both?” Alex didn’t like where this was going. “Like you said, I am a very devoted follower of the Goddess! I’m sure I can…”

Zerat-Mondul did not say a word, he simply stepped to the side and gestured to the door- his hand resting carefully on the hilt of his Oath-Blade. Alex swallowed and gave Neil’s shoulder a firm squeeze. “I’ll see you later.” He hoped he wasn’t lying.

As soon as he had left the room, Zerat-Mondul turned and locked the door behind him.

For the first time in a long while, Neil was alone again. He had spent so long on Lavender 1 that he had thought he’d never see another person again- that’s when Sophia showed up. He swore to himself that he’d never have to be by himself again, and despite being with the guard, he didn’t feel any less alone. It was like he was back on the ship again, alone, afraid, and confused but this time an enemy was hunting him down the corridors.

Neil squeezed his hands together and tried to remain calm. “What do you want?”

Zerat-Mondul eyed him the same way a lion eyes a zebra. Slowly he made his way over to Alex’s chair and helped himself to a seat. His face was practically touching Neil’s. “I just want the truth.” He said coldly. “I want to know who you are, who you really are.”

“We’ve told you, we’re the Disciples of the Goddess.” Was that thunder in the distance or just the sound of his heart thumping in his chest? “Do you think we’re lying?”

The guard made sure that Neil could see him reach down to his sword. “I think that the devoted act much different from how you are. I’ve seen the faithful, Priestess Xulut-Indula has spent her life worshiping the Goddess, I’ve seen the look in her eyes as she prays. But you, you travel with the Deliverer herself and yet the look in your eye tells me you do not pray to her at all.”

“So… that’s a yes?”

With one quick movement, the Oath-Blade was at Neil’s throat- he would’ve gulped but he was afraid he’d cut himself. “I’ll make you a deal.” Said the Royal Guard, whose face was reflected in the shine of the blade. “Tell me the truth about what your group really is, and I’ll let you go unharmed.”

Neil’s entire body shook, I wish this was just a bad dream. “I…” He stammered; it was surprisingly hard to think with a sword on your neck- which was something that Neil wished he didn’t have to learn. “I… um.”

Zerat-Mondul pushed the blade just a tiny bit closer, only a centimeter away from the skin of his neck. “Let me rephrase. Tell me that you and your friends are liars, swear on the real Goddess that what you say is the truth, and I’ll let you go- simple right?”

“W-where would we go? Our ship is still being repaired, where would you put us?”

“There is no ‘us,’” he corrected. “Only ‘you.’ Your friends must be punished for daring to use her Holiness’s visage, the fact that I would let just you go is beyond kindness.”

“No… I can’t…”

The Royal Guard frowned; in the reflection, it could be mistaken for a smile. “I see it in your eyes, you don’t belong here little man. I can see the fear- all you want in the world is to leave, to get back to wherever you came from.” He had enough of toying with him, and he leaned in closer. “It’s an easy choice. Either I kill you with my blade, or you tell me the truth and live? What will it be, Disciple?”

He hated how right his captor was. Neil knew deep inside that the thing he wanted most was to just get home, to just see the bright blue sky he had become so used to. I don’t have a choice. He thought to himself as he made his decision.

Neil closed his eyes, and he gritted his teeth, all he could think of was home. “I’m sorry, whatever your name was, but no.” A tear rolled from his cheek as he realized he was doubling down. “I-I can’t tell you the truth… because we have already told you the truth.” He looked at the blade; he saw in it how scared he looked. “I’m going to follow the G-Goddess and my friends… until the end.”