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IMPROBABLE NONSENSE
43. They Should Sell Tickets to His Funeral

43. They Should Sell Tickets to His Funeral

The Ring was ever so dark, but of course, by now Neil could tell that wasn’t an odd occurrence. The mix of lights from the spiraling nebula above the street wasn’t quite strong enough to illuminate the alleys blocked by rows and rows of unmarked and indifferent buildings. Following Sally Silver wasn’t the most calming of tasks, and the boy longed for the days when he could see at least something that he recognized from home. A grocery store, a mall, or even a dingy gas station would be enough for him. This feeling, however, was not a new one for him, he’d felt it many times before back on the Lavender 1. So many nights had passed thinking about his life back on Earth that at a certain point he had started wondering if these thoughts of home were his memories or some imaginary constructs that he’d made up in his head to keep himself from going mad. Sometimes he wondered if he was still dreaming.

But the crunch of something underneath his shoe was enough to convince him of this reality, for the time being at least. It wasn’t loud, but it was noticeable. His heart sank for what seemed like the hundredth time this week as Sally stopped dead in her tracks. The blue lady raised her head, alerted, but made no move to turn around or investigate. Instead, she clicked her tongue and continued again as if nothing happened, this didn’t sit right with Neil.

She’d seen him, no doubt. That was his assumption, but the words of his friends kept echoing in his mind. All the times that they’d told him how paranoid he was being or how scared he always was of nothing played on a loop like a playlist of his mistakes. He tried to convince himself that this was just his paranoia and that he’d simply gotten lucky and hadn’t been spotted. But as he moved forward it got harder and harder to persuade the butterflies in his chest to stop fluttering.

Ahead of him, Sally dipped into an alleyway between two small buildings. Neil moved closer, taking his steps more carefully now than he did before. However, his carefulness was useless as he was suddenly met with a gun barrel to his forehead.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!” Neil cried, his hands rising above his head as his legs buckled beneath him. “Don’t shoot!”

The gun in Sally’s hand was the same one that she had used on the man who’d scammed her inside the Candid Cantina- which meant that Neil was perfectly aware that it worked. “Give me one good reason not to!”

Neil gulped, “it’s against the rules?”

The sarcastic smile that spread across Sally’s face was anything but comforting. “Darling, if you haven’t gathered by now, the rules only apply when someone’s watching. Do you see anyone around to hold me to them?”

Seeing how there was a gun barrel pressing into his forehead, Neil didn’t take the time to look around, but given the circumstances, he was inclined to believe her. “P-please, I’m sorry I was following you; I didn’t mean any harm!”

“Of course, you didn’t.” Said Sally with a roll of her eyes. “I’m sure you have some completely innocent reason to be trailing a woman in the dark? I’ve met men like you, and you’re all the same! You see the heels and the coat, and you think I’d be an easy gal to rob, but if I’ve learned anything from this hellhole it’s how to come prepared!”

Neil’s mouth nearly hit the floor as she pressed the gun deeper. “Oh god, no! It’s nothing like that!” He stammered. “I’m a friend of Timothy’s, you know, the guy from the cantina? I was trying to find evidence to help prove that he wasn’t the one that killed Corpus!”

The pressure on his forehead released a bit as Sally tilted her head. “Huh.” She blurted, biting her lip. “I heard that some outsiders were snooping around, I suppose that tracks.” Still, the gun remained firm in her grip. “Although that doesn’t tell me why I shouldn’t just shoot you, I’m not a big fan of questions.”

“Me neither!” Neil stammered. “H-honestly, if Tim hadn’t gone and got himself framed for murder, I-I wouldn’t even be here! I’d probably be at the cantina making myself a new home out of the booth cushions and begging people to take me back to my ship!” His hands were shaking, and so was everything else, but he squeezed his eyes shut and continued. “But if you don’t shoot me, I promise I’ll be quick with the questions! You don’t even have to answer them, you have a gun, you know! I-I didn’t even think of what I was going to ask, I just saw you leaving the casino and I just trailed along!”

“So, you think that I killed Corpus?” Sally asked, slowly.

“No! I mean, not necessarily.” Said Neil, realizing that he wasn’t doing a good job at begging for his life. “Honestly, I have no f-ing clue who did it, man! There were so many people the night it happened, and we don’t even have a body to examine! It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack but we don’t even know where the haystack is! Hell, I’m not even sure that Tim was framed, for all I know he did it and this is all just a wild goose chase!”

“Sounds like your investigation is going nowhere, darling.”

Neil looked down the barrel of the gun, “yeah, I kinda figured that. But maybe it doesn’t have to end right now?” Opening his eyes he smiled awkwardly, hoping Sally’s finger didn’t get itchy. “P-please?”

Sally considered her options carefully, providing her captive with a long tense period of wondering whether or not he was about to die. Clicking her tongue she pulled the gun away, revealing a round mark on Neil’s forehead from where the barrel had been pressed. The boy blinked rapidly, his head twitching uncomfortably as a wave of relief washed over him. “Consider yourself lucky.” She said, lowering the weapon to her side. “Ammo isn’t cheap around here.”

In the back of his mind Neil wondered if that was a joke or not, but questioning it seemed unwise. “Thank you.” He spoke, trying to keep it together.

“Don’t mention it.” Sally spat. “No really, don’t.”

Neil watched as Sally turned on her heels and walked deeper into the alleyway. The path was dark, and he could barely make her out as she began dragging something back into the light. The sound of metal sliding across the ground was ear-piercing, but soon he was met with a round dented barrel as Sally shoved it to him. Without a word, the woman sat down on a nearly identical seat of her own, propping her feet up on a nearby dumpster. Taking the hint, Neil sat down as well. It wasn’t comfortable but it was decent for something abandoned in a corner.

Hands still shaking, he shoved them down the pockets of his coat. His heart skipped a beat as his fingers collided with the gas canister that he had stored earlier, but after a panicked check, he was calmed to know that it hadn’t opened accidentally. “Um…” He spoke, figuring it was his cue. “Shit, I really didn’t prepare for this.”

Stolen novel; please report.

Sally raised her eyebrows smugly, a thin smile tracing along her face. “For a detective, you sure don’t seem to know what you’re doing, hun.”

“I’m not a detective.” He corrected.

“But you’ve got the coat for it?” Noted Sally with a look.

Neil huffed. “This thing? I found it in some dumpster years ago, it’s nothing.” Despite his words, he clung closer to his tattered jacket, as if he was trying to stop it from blowing away.

“Well, detective or not, may I advise you to hurry up with the questions?” Asked the lady with a gun. “I have places to be and people to… see.”

The boy nodded, trying to come up with a question. “Right, sorry.” He said quickly. “Well, I guess I could ask you what you were doing behind the Extemorst Casino since that’s why I’m even here.”

“No reason.” Came the reply. “Just curious.”

“Curious about what?”

“Didn’t you hear?” Sally said, her thin smile becoming a bigger one. “Someone cashed the winning lottery ticket right from under Vander’s oily nose, isn’t that amazing?”

“Really?” Neil cried a little too loudly. “Who?”

Sally simply shrugged. “Don’t know, no one saw them. I was just trying to see if I could get a better look at Vander’s face, you’d be surprised by how much people hated that man around here. He’s pissed off practically everyone at some point and he doesn’t exactly have a star’s charisma if you know what I mean.” She chuckled as she pulled her furry coat together. “If Vander ever wanted to make some extra credit they should sell tickets to his funeral, it would be a sellout!”

“Speaking of sellouts, the lottery.” Neil continued. “Didn’t you try to get a ticket when they were being sold?”

Sally frowned. “Me and half the galaxy! But my luck isn’t what it used to be, and I missed out. Did you see all those ships that came? I don’t know how your blondie got one so fast, must be good at running.”

“Me neither,” Neil said, his eyes darting to the ground. “He has a habit of being… unlikely.” Remembering himself he focused. “I guess you must have been upset when Corpus got hold of the winning ticket?”

With a roll of her head, Sally gave him a knowing look. “Darling, if you’re trying to figure out my motive you can just ask. It’s clear that I’m not exactly breaking my back with all the cred I’m carrying, but that same goes for most people on the Ring. Yeah, I might try and take a risk for 40 mil, but I didn’t. I don’t have a thing to do with it!”

Neil shifted in his seat; he had found his next question, but he was afraid to ask it. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. Trying again he managed to force them to release, “but you took the gun, didn’t you?”

The smile on her lips faded, “sorry, you must be mistaken, I didn’t do anything like that. See?” She opened up her coat and flipped her pockets inside out, all that was there was a small-looking credit chip and her compactible gun. “Don’t have it.”

With a smile, Neil nodded, “oh, I see.” He lied, knowing exactly what she had done with Corpus’s gun just minutes earlier. “Must’ve been someone else.”

“Must’ve been.” She said, her smile returning. “That John-John fellow was crying over his pal’s body for a while, I’m willing to bet that he’s the one that nabbed it.”

“I’ll have to ask him.” Neil felt his heartbeat, knowing the truth was hard but lying seemed harder- he wondered how Alex had gotten so good at it. He decided to change the subject. “When the lights went out at the cantina, did you see anything?”

Sally shook her head. “Nothing but darkness.”

On his barrel, Neil gritted his teeth in silence. The truth was that most of his questions had been about Corpus’s gun, but since Sally was lying about it- and was very capable of insisting that she wasn’t- he struggled to come up with anything else. He watched as Sally’s eyes narrowed on him as he took a minute to think, and nervously he blurted the first question that came to his head. “What do you do for a living?”

“It’s more ‘who’ I do for a living,” Sally replied with confidence and ease.

Neil’s face went red as he was caught off guard, “oh, okay, um.”

Taking her legs off the dumpster, Sally twirled around in her seat, her expression changing. “Are you judging me?”

“No, no!” Neil choked. “It’s just that, well, I wasn’t expecting that! Back home people tend to be, well, a lot more private when it comes to that stuff.”

“It’s deep space, sweetie, not your home.” She clarified. “Credit is credit, and a service is a service, there is no shame in that.” Sally looked on as the boy in front of her twitched and crossed his arms, clearly uncomfortable with something. Strangely, she got the feeling that it wasn’t her occupation. “What’s wrong? Does it really bother you that bad what I do for a cheque?”

“That’s not it at all! It’s just that I never got the appeal in doing… that.”

Sally rolled her eyes, “look, I’m strapped for credit and what I do with my body is my business! If you have a problem with that…”

Neil’s eyes went wide, and he raised his hands to stop her. “No, you’re completely right! What I meant to say was that… I never got the appeal of doing, um, that.”

“Really?” Sally chimed.

“Yeah,” the boy said, his voice dipping as he awkwardly rubbed his shoulders. “I’ve seen all these movies and heard all these songs about it, but it’s never really clicked, you know? I guess when I was born that little piece of me got left out somewhere.”

Sally scoffed. “Oh, darling, don’t you know? There’s plenty of people like that out there.”

Neil looked back. “Huh?”

“That’s totally natural, didn’t anyone ever teach you that? It’s a big galaxy, there’s weirder shit to worry about! Come to think of it, I had an uncle like you once. He was a hotshot dealmaker on Flunta 9 before he got swallowed by a Slorap, you know the planet with all those supermodels and stuff? He was surrounded by the hottest babes and the most delicious fellas day in and day out, and he never even batted an eye.”

For the longest time, Neil had assumed that there was something wrong with him for feeling the way that he did. For most of his life, he was ashamed of it, and it wasn’t something he was ever prone to talk about, even with his friends. He wasn’t expecting his conversation with an alien murder suspect to comfort him about this, but then again being held at gunpoint does tend to make one more honest and willing to have a conversation.

“That’s good to hear.” He spoke. “Not the part about the Slorap, the other bits.”

Sally shook her head and stood to her feet, “I guess there’s a lot that you don’t know, huh? I hope this little conversation of ours has progressed your investigation somehow. Now if you excuse me, there’s a lady who’s been waiting for me to show up for a while now and I’d hate to keep a customer waiting.”

With a fluff of her coat, Sally made her way back into the street. Neil turned and watched her go, wondering if he should pry about what really went down with Corpus’s gun. Instead, he simply uttered, “um, thanks for not shooting me, and the talk.”

“Glad to have helped.” She replied, although her words were tipped in sarcasm. “Be careful when you check in with John-John, if your friend didn’t do it my wager would be on him, especially if he has the gun.”

Neil twitched, almost as a response to her deceit. “I will.”

Without another word, Sally Silver strutted her way down the Ring. She wasn’t sure if the boy believed her or not but worrying about it would do her no good. After all, there was no evidence that could link her to the crime, so hopefully, she wouldn’t have to worry about any more ‘detectives’ bothering her.

As soon as she was out of sight, Neil shot up like a light and bolted down the street. He couldn’t believe that he was still alive, he’d known this was a bad idea from the start. All he could do now was hope that his friends were still alright and pray that no one else decides to point a gun at him on the way back. Sally had given him a lot of evidence to think about, and he couldn’t stop wondering why she had chosen to lie about Corpus’s gun. His mad dash was halted for a brief second when he finally had time to process some information. Someone had cashed the lottery ticket- which meant that Timothy was off the hook. He felt like an idiot for not running away the moment he had heard that, but hindsight is twenty-twenty and there was no way he could go back and warn himself. Hopefully, he’d be able to meet up with Alex and Sophia again at the cantina where this whole nightmare could finally be over.

Unfortunately, Neil couldn’t have known how mistaken he was.