What’s the marriage situation like where you come from?

[What? Why?]

Just wondering. When I was still in my brood, marriage wasn’t even a thing in my layer. Not really. Everyone knows only the prudes get married, and we aren’t prudes. Or most of us aren’t.

It just wasn’t an issue. We didn’t have any filthy marrieds at all. We hate the marrieds.

But then, out of the blue, getting gay-married became illegal. Since we don’t take kindly to being told what we can and can’t do, it went from no one ever getting married to everyone getting gay-married overnight. Or saying they were.

It quickly became apparent the prudes were just abusing the situation and not telling the powers that be to go screw themselves since most of the gays getting married were male and female couples.

It took a lot of harassment, heckling, murder, and years of constantly calling the filthy marrieds prudes to correct the situation and get things back to normal. Man, I just can’t stress enough how much I really hate the filthy marrieds.

[Why are you telling me this?]

I’m going to trust you with a big secret. A huge secret.

When I groped Zixy, it wasn’t platonic at all. Not even a little. It was 100% sexual. It was the most sexually motivated thing I had ever done previously or since. It really deserves a new word so my actions and motivations can be fully comprehended.

[I assumed so.]

What? How? Who told you something? And what lies did they tell you?

[You told me all I know of the situation.]

But I told you it was 100% completely platonic and nonsexual.

[You did.]

What are you, a psychic or something? Never mind. I don’t even want to know.

Just, please, don’t tell anyone what I just told you. If you do, it’ll really harm my ongoing case, and I want to beat this nonsense and laugh right in Zixy’s stupid face super badly. And then murder her.

[My lips are sealed.]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Anyway, just like the marrieds, I can’t stand the gays either, but I’m almost certain Bob’s one.

And not just a regular gay, a huge one. He really loves it when we fornicate, no matter how platonically I do so.

And I really enjoy his company. He isn’t constantly saying stupid shit like dumb broads always do. No nagging. No demanding I pay for everything. None of that.

Ever since Dan first confused me with a dumb Asmodite broad, I’ve been asking myself some hard questions. I think it did something to my insides.

I know it’s super gay, but I’ve been thinking about asking Bob if he wants to get gay-married. We’d get a lot of shit for being filthy prudes, but I don’t even care.

Plus, getting gay-married to a huge gay like Bob should definitely help prove that Zixy’s unwanted-sexual-harassment case against me is completely based on horrid lies she concocted out of thin air.

[Congratulations?]

Thanks, Boss. It bet it won’t be easy getting people to believe I’m a straight if Bob does agree to get gay-married with me.

[That’s an understandable concern. I wish you all the best. I believe you were saying Dan entered his normal Boneyard instance?]

I was. Then I poured my heart out to you and shared very secret secrets. I guess we’re moving on from that though, and back to Dan.

Before we do, just in case there’s any confusion, let me just reiterate that I’m not a gay. 100% straight is ACESSO LABLACKY!

Man, I really screwed myself with that exclamation point. I’m starting to wish I didn’t add that to my new glorious name.

It does give it a certain mystique, gravitas, and panache, but only being able to use it at the end of sentences is too confining. Likes to fly free and without any constraints does ACESSO LABLACKY!

Damn, see what I mean?

[I do. What happened after Dan reentered the Boneyard?]

It was really early in the morning on the eleventh day, or really late into the night of the tenth day, depending on how much you like to party. And you know me – I love to party. And crack. I love it so much. Have you ever smoked it?

[What?]

Crack. I doubt you have. If you do get the chance, don’t be a nerd. Give it a try. Thank me after.

A lot of participants go back to the tutorial area to sleep every night, and a bunch of them entered the Boneyard all around the same time, then a few more entered.

The four-man detail Sanctuary Town had there was overwhelmed. Dan and Ashen Ruin arrived just in time to save everyone.

While they were all yapping at him, Dan grabbed some frags and other drops he could quickly snatch up before running off like a sissy coward.

A few minutes later, he spotted Dotty, Andrew, Hector, Ace, Leena, and Luke – the other Luke, not the really stupid old – all headed to the tutorial area.

As I said before, Dan looked pissed. He ran up to them and snapped out, “What the hell y’all doing?”

A few tried to reply, but Ace talked over them and said, “Chet had big parts of the book already written down in his notebook. They already finished rewriting the new one last night. A bunch of others are transcribing it too. For free. They’re doing it for the knowledge. That’s the price. They have to make a copy of the book if they want to read it.”

I could tell Dan was surprised and a little in disbelief their fake book was already finished. He suspiciously asked, “Where they getting the paper from?”

“The Profile Reader,” replied Ace. “They’re doing the same as we did for the original we made. The ‘Game Tips’ book just costs one Orbment Fragment, and it only uses one side of each page. As long as the words aren’t written too big, the whole book can fit in it with plenty of blank pages left.”

It took Dan a minute to reply. “Y’all sure it was written right? All the information? Nothing’s missing?”

“I’m certain,” answered Leena. “If anything, I think our rewrite is more detailed and less confusing.”

Dan studied Leena for a moment. “And the part about not switching out Orbments too much and all that?”

“Yes.”

Dan nodded and said, “Good to hear.”

[Wait. Were all these copies obscured as forbidden knowledge?]

This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author's work.

Um…why do you ask?

[Yes or no.]

That really wouldn’t be possible, now would it, Boss?

[I can’t decide whether I should be offended or impressed. Such gall.]

I’m not following, Boss.

[You showed me the contents of this book as if it were a great secret. You said that you, Az’ga, and Bob planned on making great wealth from selling this information after this Game ended.]

Yeah, Boss. We have images of the actual book, not a gimpy regurgitation from low-tier ignorant stupids. Only we have the real deal info. I gave you full access to super-secret information written by a hotshot professional.

[I gained no new information from the book.]

Incorrect. It blew your mind. It was all super-secret information you had no idea of.

[I assure you that it wasn’t.]

Well, I think you’re just saying that because you think the fraudulent copies of the book lessened the value of this super-secret knowledge. Again, we showed you the real deal. Images of every page of the actual book.

[Let’s just move on.]

You got it, Boss. Now, where was I? Oh, I remember.

Leena asked Dan, “What happened to your teeth?”

“It takes a lot of healing to fix teeth,” replied Dan. “I reckon y’all are headed to Luke’s tutorial. I’d recommend a dagger for you, Leena.”

After lifting the sword in her hand, one of the ones Dan got from the pretend Beelzebub, Leena said, “This is for backup. I cleared my channels. I can…watch this. I’ll show you.”

Leena shot a few rocks out of her hand. Dan said, “Damn. You’re really picking all this up right quick. No one clears channels that fast.”

“I have a few other tricks up my sleeve too,” replied Leena, a big smile on her face.

After a moment of awkward silence, Ace said, “Chet is making sure the book copies come out good enough. He wanted to come do this, but I said no. If I can save some people, I got to try. I said no to Nick too. I wasn’t sure if you’d want him to go. We didn’t know when you’d be back. This is just how it worked out.”

“Understood,” said Dan. “Good luck, y’all. Sorry I can’t help. I hope y’all understand why.”

Ace asked, “You headed back to Sanctuary Town?”

“Naw. I done started regulating, and I ain’t finished yet. Y’all be careful.”

Most of the party said, “You too,” or some dumb shit close to it before they all took off.

After a few seconds, Hector turned back and ran up to Dan. “Hold up.”

Hector towered over Dan, and his well-muscled frame made Dan look tiny. And like even more of a fat.

“I’ve heard a lot about you, but we’ve never been introduced.” Hector stuck his hand out and said, “Hector.”

“Dan,” he replied as he shook hands. “Nice to meet you. Dotty said you’re good in a fight. A wrestler in the Olympics, right?”

“I’m not too bad,” replied the smiling Hector. “And no. I qualified but a knee injury kept me from the first. I didn’t get to see the Olympic doctors. Just the ones my father could afford. What they gave me to help with my knee kept me from the next Olympics. I just did what the doctors told me to do so I’d be able to compete in it, and that prevented me from competing in it.”

“Sorry to hear that,” replied Dan.

“It is what it is. That’s how life goes. It screws you coming and going.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” said Dan. “I hate to ask, but if you can keep Ace and Leena safe in there, I’d appreciate it.”

“No problem,” replied Hector with a charming smile plastered on his face. A very genuine smile.

“Well,” said Dan, “guess I’ll see you around.”

“It was nice meeting you.”

“Same here.”

I should take a moment and explain how it went when Leena and Becky saw Hector.

Becky was helping the others with the book too. When Hector walked up and started talking to Dotty, Becky elbowed Leena and pointed her chin at him. They both giggled and Becky blushed.

“He looks so much like my husband,” whispered Becky. “He’s so handsome. Look how big he is. All those muscles.”

Leena nodded and held Becky’s hand. I could practically smell their orifices secreting fluids. Lee…

[That’s disgusting.]

What? Their mouths were salivating.

[Oh. I see. Continue.]

Leena said, “I think he’s supposed to join my party along with Andrew. Want me to try and get him in yours instead?”

Becky blushed even more. “No. Not at all. If anything, I need to keep my distance. The last thing I need is…something like that. I mean it when I say I’ll never love another man. My husband died a hero. Died fighting for me and Bonnie and his country. The least I can do is stay true to him. It ain’t nothing compared to his sacrifice.”

Leena said, “I’m sure he loved you as much as you love him. He’d want you to move on and be happy.”

“I am happy. I found my soulmate. How many can say that? He was the greatest man that ever lived. No one can replace him, and no one ever will. He can’t be replaced anyhow. He was my soulmate. There ain’t but only one of those for each of us. And he’s always close by me anyhow. Even here.”

Leena let go of Becky’s hand and rubbed her friend’s arm as she looked at her. I don’t know for certain what Leena was thinking, but I’m pretty sure it was, “What a dumb bitch.” And I completely agreed.

And keep in mind that Leena’s not a real person, so me agreeing with what I think she was thinking is kind of a big deal.

Becky said some dumb shit sometimes, but I didn’t hate her all that much. Her little punk-ass toddler was a different story.

For some reason, the only person Austin was never an asshole too was Bonnie. He was watching her a little way off to the side, in Dotty’s tent.

When Dotty first met Austin, she grabbed him, smothered him in her huge chest-groin, and said, “Oh, you poor thing. You must be so scared. Such a sweet little boy. You’re safe now.”

You may be thinking there were some sexual connotations there, her forcing his face into her overly large groin that even put Hector’s to shame, but there wasn’t. She was just extremely motherly in the mortal sense.

Being such an ugly, a fat, and an old, nothing about her was sexual in the least. Especially when it came to children.

Dotty had a hard time focusing on the book with children so close. She saw Chet no differently than Austin and Bonnie, but Chet wasn’t having it. As soon as she tried smothering him, he ducked away and kept his distance. That horndog not wanting his face shoved in her huge groin just proves my point.

I shouldn’t say Austin wasn’t an asshole to just Bonnie. He acted way differently around Dotty too. He was pissed when she took off to help free Luke’s instance. Again, not the old and stupid Luke.

I should’ve just changed the new Luke’s name to something else. It would make this less confusing. He died freeing his tutorial area, so it doesn’t really matter at this point.

Ace got all messed up too. He shouldn’t have gone. They wanted to bring someone else instead of him. Someone with ranged attacks. Ace was melee and only had a 1-Star Uncommon Class and a shitty Orbment.

They were already stuck with Luke, and Luke really sucked. The Luke I just told you would be dead soon, not the other one.

But Ace didn’t give them a choice. He was going and that was that.

I’m really jumping around, aren’t I? Sorry. Deciding that I want to get gay-married to Bob has me all distracted. Let me go back to Dan. Then I’ll come back to my other team members.

Actually, I should explain something else first. Mystozagan set up a special forum for all us techs.

When super old and disgusting Gabrodyl sent the invites for the forum, she said we weren’t allowed to mess around. Only short, specific, brief, and professional messages pertinent to murdering Dan would be allowed. No pictures of our genitals or any of that kind of stuff would be tolerated.

That’s a tall order and something we’d usually ignore, but since Mystozagan would be notified when something was posted, any funny business would result in immediately being murdered.

I thought I was probably safe since there’re three techs assigned to Dan. If I’m executed, a new one can’t be assigned to replace me.

Still, I didn’t push things. I had done everything right, and I wanted to keep it that way. Since so many bigwigs were involved, I thought I could end up getting a big reward for performing so perfectly and being so brilliant.

Little did I know Gabrodyl, that disgustingly old bitch, was going to have me executed anyway. Oh, that really chaps my hide. I want to torture her to death so badly. ‘Seems to me, girl, you know I've done all I can.’

That’s a line from ‘Easy Like Sunday Morning.’ The Earth song I’ll sing to her as I torture her to death. Slowly. Ever so slowly.

Anyhow, I posted a clip to that forum of Dan saying, “Naw. I done started regulating, and I ain’t finished yet. Y’all be careful.”

Mystozagan himself projected right to our terminal. Since I was on the empty and freezing prude floor, all my burly tentacles were shriveled up into little frozen nubs. It was very embarrassing.

Bob, Az’ga, and I bowed. Or I did my best trying to bow considering my mighty globular shape.

Mystozagan asked, “As he used it, what does the word ‘regulate’ mean?”

I told him, “Mighty Lord, I believe it means to lay down the law by killing everyone he doesn’t like. I believe he’s heading back to the Crucible.”

“The Crucible?”

“The fifth area, mighty Lord.”

Mystozagan stopped projecting. We all looked at one another and sighed in relief. Then Mystozagan reappeared and asked, “How did he teleport away as he did?”

Nervously, I responded, “We were told it was an advanced mana technique, mighty Lord.”

“I know that, you piece of filth of the lowest layer, but what is your true belief?”

I steeled my spine and said, “We have three theories, mighty Lord.”

Before I could continue, Az’ga poked my side and gave me a stern look as a warning. I ignored her. Mostly. As a caveat, I added, “But only one is feasible. The other two are very unlikely possibilities.

“The first and most likely is knowledge obtained from the secret trove of information within Carnegie Hall.

“Second, and I know this is not possible, mighty Lord, but maybe he can bind not just to a spot, but also a certain time, allowing him to time travel.

“Third, and also unlikely, but I’m just going to go ahead and throw it out there, the Trait he received from the archangel Kharahel could somehow possibly be responsible.”

Bowing isn’t so easy for me. Still, I tried my best and anxiously waited for the mighty devil Mystozagan to respond. Or condemn me.

He did neither. He merely stopped projecting. And that was that. We waited for instructions.

We prayed to our Dark Master, the Day Star, the World Walker, that Dan was going back to the Crucible.

If he was smart, he wouldn’t. All the many Sortilege creatures would disappear if he just waited it out. He’d be a real idiot if he went back right then.

Thankfully, Dan’s an idiot. And a fat. I added the last part about him being a fat in just in case you’ve forgotten he was a fat.