CHAPTER 49

I didn't sleep last night either.

The foggy bathroom mirror shows a blurry silhouette of me. I grip the sides of the sink, as I momentarily try to wake myself up. With one wipe of the mirror with my hand, I finally see my reflection.

Tired.

I notice my eyes are drooping, my face a little paler than usual, and that I cannot help but think how pathetic I am. I only see a pitiful person who is still struggling with failure. Even though Kazuki-kun has returned, I just cannot shake this anxious feeling.

Argh!

I wince in pain from something gurgling in my stomach. I cough violently, my lungs feeling as if they were about to pop. I pull the mirror cabinet, and look for some antacid pills.

You need to keep a strong face.

Kazuki was missing for months. I have been searching for him all that time, and suddenly he just reappears out of nowhere. The things I have done – they are almost unforgivable. The more I think about it logically, the less it makes sense. I do not want to pry him right after his return, but for some reason, he has become cold to me. I try to help him along with everyone else, but I am not sure if the treatment is even working. Most of all, I suddenly feel anxious whenever I am around him now. I thought living together would improve our relationship, but it seems like we are both walking on eggshells around each other.

For the longest time, it felt like Kazuki-kun understood me. It was like he knew me better than myself. Somehow and someway, he always knew the right thing to say, the right thing to do. Unlike everyone else in my life, he was the first one that kept trying. Despite me pushing him away at every turn, he never gave up on me. What did this stubborn boy see in me? I never deserved any kindness, yet I was the center of his affection. I do not know why I am appealing to him, but it brings warmth to my chest thinking about it. Honestly, it got annoying that he would not take "no" as an answer, but deep down I was just afraid. I was afraid that I was going to hurt him – and I was right.

No wonder he cannot look me in the eyes anymore.

Talking to Dr. Mori has somewhat alleviated my concerns. Although I have difficulty expressing myself, Dr. Mori is able to help me find out the root of my problems. Our previous session was definitely enlightening:

"I would prefer to see the two of you together, but maybe this is for the best right now. I have to admit, this is a bit of a surprise Akane-chan."

Dr. Mori flips open her notepad.

"I do not want Kazuki to worry about me. He has gone through enough already." I mention.

"Well Akane, I'm glad you're seeking help. You youngsters aren't invincible like you think."

Dr. Mori clicks her pen.

"So...how have you been? You sleeping well?" she asks.

"No, not really." I say bluntly.

"That's okay. After what happened to you I wouldn't be able to sleep well either."

Surviving Yozakura has taken its toll on me. I am glad that at least it was able to lead me to Kazuki.

"I thought Kazuki returning would remedy that, but it seems I feel more restless since he came back."

"Is that so?" she thinks to herself. "He's only been back for a few days right? Maybe he needs some adjustment."

I rub my right hand. I still feel the phantom pain from the injury I received a few months back. The scar managed to heal, but I can see that it left a noticeable mark.

"Yes. I believe so as well." I reply.

"What concerns me is that Kazuki just feels different for some reason."

"Hmm?" Dr. Mori raises her brow. "Different how?"

I take a deep breath. I cannot believe I am saying this.

"I am not sure how to explain it, but he has trouble looking at me. Before all of this, Kazuki was full of energy and life. He was someone who could make you smile, no matter what the situation was. Now he just feels..." I pause.

"Different?" Dr. Mori comments.

"It seems like I am talking to a ghost. Our conversations feel one-sided, like he is not present." I explain. "I cannot rid myself of these selfish thoughts."

"It's not selfish." she tries to console me.

"Look." she puts down her notepad. "I know you really want to help him. We all do. I try to grill him at our sessions."

"But I feel like I am the reason for his troubles. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but the more I try to help the worse he gets!" I explain.

Dr. Mori averts her gaze. My frustration and pent up guilt is making the atmosphere heavy.

"Have you ever heard of the hedgehog's dilemma?" she asks.

"No." I reply.

"The story goes that on a chilly winter day, a group of spiky hedgehogs decide to huddle together for warmth, but as they move closer and closer, they begin to prick one another with their quills. They move away from each other immediately, but then the cold air drives them back together, and again, they prick each other painfully." she explains.

"So the hedgehogs need each other to survive, but they also end up hurting each other as a consequence?"

"Yes. But it's not so simple." Dr. Mori replies. "When we apply it to human beings, it's the notion that the closer two people come together in a relationship, the more likely it will be for them to hurt each other."

"Then the only way to avoid hurting one another is to avoid getting too close." I say.

"That's one way of looking at it." Dr. Mori says in a monotone voice.

Is that what we are suffering from? Is Kazuki trying to stay distant from me in order to not be hurt? What is the possible reasoning behind this sentiment?

"Anyways, this is just a psychological dilemma. A famous TV show used it pretty effectively. Everyone needs connection, affection, and most of all love." she chuckles.

But do they deserve it...?

"I can't speak for you Akane, but when I was younger, I held a pretty pessimistic view on relationships. The more I think about that, I was so naïve and stupid."

"But you were hurt on multiple occasions-"

"I know!" Dr. Mori snaps at me. "Sorry." she lowers her tone.

"I know I was hurt multiple times. I know how dumb it sounds logically to keep pursuing even though I kept getting hurt and hurt. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed." she admits.

"Then what kept you going?" I ask.

"It's quite simple actually." she laughs.

Dr. Mori rubs the shiny ring on her finger. I think my brother mentioned he just proposed to Dr. Mori after returning from assignment.

"I'm too stubborn to quit." she smiles. "I'd rather have loved than to have never at all."

Is it really worth it...

"Try to find an opportunity to talk to each other. Maybe go on a date?" she suggests.

"A-A date?!" I stutter.

"Yeah. Do something fun together. I'm sure he'd appreciate it too, despite how moody he is right now. Be happy. Live life to the fullest."

My session with Dr. Mori definitely help boost my confidence. Last night my conversation with Kazuki briefly remedied things. When he hugged me, it was the first time I felt he had really "returned." I only hope I will provide him happiness adequately. If not, I will find Kazuki's happiness somehow. Kazuki would tell me to smile, to follow my sense of justice, but yet the one who is here, the one present, is far from what I remembered. I hope running errands today will revitalize our relationship.

You can do this Akane.

----------------------------------------

"So what have I missed?" Daisuke gets straight the point.

Yuki-san and I exchange reluctant glances. If anything, I was just about as lost as Daisuke was, only returning to this reality about a week or so ago. Six months have apparently passed by, whereas I experienced an eternity.

"Um...where shall we start Kazuki?" Yuki-san hands it off to me.

She and I were supposed to pick him up at the subway station entrance. However, Daisuke did not arrive on time. In fact, his excuse was that he was helping a lost little boy find his mom. The three of us are on a bus towards the other side of town, where we're going to meet up with class president and Mary. It's pretty packed in here, so we have to stand.

"Don't ask me, I'm just as clueless as he is." I reply bluntly.

Yuki-san sighs and shrugs.

"I suppose I have to start from the beginning." as she scratches her chin.

"Thanks. It's not easy living off the grid." says Daisuke. "I thought living with some of my dad's associates was weird, but I think I've made some headway towards changing how the organization works. Maybe one day we'll be legit and be good for the community." he wryly smiles.

"But please, tell me what I've missed out on."

"After what happened that night, my brother and his team managed to apprehend the members. I am glad you accepted the bargaining agreement Daisuke."

"What happened to Shion? Albert? Nobody's told me anything and every time I ask no one gives me an answer." he asks.

"Um...she is fine. Albert-san still goes to our school, though not as often anymore due to security concerns." Yuki-san replies. "How is Yui?"

"Ah she's feeling better. I'm glad she's managed to be discharged and surprisingly the guys have really great medical care."

Somehow I think there's more to that story, but Daisuke doesn't press.

"What about you dude? Surely you managed to control your knucklehead ways without me?" he jokes.

"Actually." Yuki-san interjects. "Kazuki has returned only recently."

She explains I have been missing for six months.

"Six months?!" Daisuke shouts, loud enough that a few of the other passengers turn their heads.

"Six months?! If only I had a way to know I would've gone looking for you dude!" he loudly whispers.

"It's fine." I reassure him.

Besides, there's no way anyone could have found me anyways.

"So what happened? You just magically appear out of thin air after being missing for six months?" he says sarcastically.

"Yep." I say in a monotone voice. "I don't remember how I got back." as I instinctively rub my forehead.

"I think she found me right? Something about chasing a lead?" I ask Yuki-san.

"Yes. Chasing a lead." Yuki-san averts her gaze.

I thought she was going to say more, but neither of us want to contribute further to this already awkward recap. I can't help but get curious that she was chasing a lead for the last six months and only returned recently as well? What exactly happened that she is keeping secrets from me?

Just let it go. Do it for Her.

I remember why I was here. I promised Her that I would be happy.

"Oh! This is the stop. We need to get off here."

We all quickly get off, arriving at a familiar place downtown.

"We only need to walk a bit further. Mary and Tsubasa are waiting for us there."

"Don't want to keep them waiting!"

We follow Yuki-san's lead, but it feels like we were wandering aimlessly downtown. There weren't too many people around this part, only the occasional character curiously staring at a group of high schoolers.

"Hey you guys!"

A loud and shrill high-pitched voice greets us.

"D-Daisuke?! Y-You're back?!"

Mary Kaneko sprints from her location towards us. Class president catches up to her from behind.

"Y-Yeah...it's good to see you. You too class prez." he awkwardly replies.

After a brief introduction, we get back to our main goal today.

"Are you sure this is the right spot? There aren't any signs or anything." Mary asks.

Looking around, this building seemed like another run-of-the-mill warehouse. It just looked old, with the metal outside turning brown from the rust. However, a part of me suddenly felt this place looked awfully familiar.

"This is the right place." Yuki-san confirms. "I went here last time for the school festival as well."

She opens the large door in front of us. Inside was a small poster that read:

"Costume Party: Costumes and Uniforms Galore."

Now I remember! This was the same place that Aka-

"Hnggg!"

I instinctively grip my forehead from the sudden shock. Flashing images of us dressed in suits race through my mind.

Looking fly there Kazuki!

"Kaz?" Daisuke speaks up.

I quickly compose myself and try to ignore the pain, but it resonates through my body

"It's nothing. Just a migraine is all."

My memories are being triggered and it feels like every time they happen it gets worse and worse.

"C'mon you two knuckleheads! What's the hold up?" Mary waves to us from the middle of the store.

"We're coming jeez!" Daisuke snaps back. "Let's go dude they're waiting."

We both hurry to the center of the store, where an old man sitting at the cash register waves at us.

"This guy looks hella sus..." Mary whispers to me. "But he does look really familiar for some reason..."

That old man did look suspicious. His bald and shiny head managed to sparkle like a disco ball. The newspaper he was holding looked like a small sticky note in his hands.

"I have not properly introduced everyone yet. This is Sojiro-san, an old family friend." Yuki-san explains.

Sojiro-san puts away his newspaper and hops over the counter to greet us. He and Yuki-san quickly hug and embrace for a moment.

"Hello you youngsters! I heard from Akane-chan here that your school is throwing a prom?"

"Y-Yes." Class president meekly hands him a small piece of paper. "H-Here's a working list of things we'd need." she meekly lets out.

"Let's see..." as he adjusts his rimmed glasses. "I have this...I think this is in the back...hmm..."

Sojiro-san eventually hands back the paper to class president.

"I'll need to check in the back if we have some of the things listed on the paper though. In the meantime, go ahead and look around since I should have mostly everything else. Just holler if you need me okay?"

This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

"Thank you Sojiro-san." Yuki-san replies.

The old man walks towards the back of the store, leaving the five of us alone together.

"Where do we even begin?" Mary's eyes sparkle at the vast selection of items.

"Maybe we should split up? Class president and I can handle most of the equipment. Can you two find suitable attire?" Yuki-san suggests.

"Sure."

Daisuke comes close to my ear.

"Dude maybe we can see the girls in dresses!" he quietly whispers.

"On second thought, may you possibly assist us in carrying the equipment Daisuke?"

"Eep! Of course!" Daisuke complies.

It seems she heard his secret plan.

The three of them head towards the back where most of the supplies were. Now Mary and I were alone together.

A quick scan of my surrounding showed that most of the things in this store were costumes, but I could spot a small, but albeit large in a warehouse sense, section of various party supplies. Close to us was a large aisle of maid and butler uniforms.

"L-Lewd!" Mary slightly shrieked as she covers her eyes, though could still see through her fingers.

Some traditional maid costumes one would expect were on display, fully covering the mannequin. Some other maid costumes on the contrary, barely covered anything; they were pretty much bikinis or lingerie with frills and a tiny apron. One maid costume near the end of the aisle looked awfully familiar to the one Yuki-san wore that day.

"W-We're no-not wearing this for the prom r-right?!" she gasps at me. "I-I would never ever ever ever wear something so lewd! Except maybe that one..." as she points to one of the more modest outfits.

"You mean this Victorian-era one?" I ask.

I take a closer look at the stitching of the blouse and black skirt.

"Why do you know what kind of costume this is...?" Mary raises her brow suspiciously.

"It's what I think of when I think of a "maid." I explain.

Her brow furrows in disbelief, and I face-palm at her implication of perversion. The only reason why I even knew was I remembered about Akan-

"You really know your stuff Kazuki-kun."

Yuki-san appears behind us.

"I could not have described it better." she wryly laughs.

It's because She did.

Suddenly I start to notice my heart rate was slightly higher than normal. I focus on my breathing in order to calm myself down. My memories of Her are beginning to flood through my mind!

"Hey Kazuki?"

Mary tugs at my arm.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

I rub my temples with my fingers.

"It's nothing. Just taking in the costumes." I half-heartedly smile.

Mary purses her lips. I think it was obvious what I just said wasn't the reason why. Instead, her concerned eyes eventually let it go out of not causing further trouble.

"Well, have you two found any suitable attire?" Yuki-san asks. "Class president and Daisuke are ordering most of the items right now."

Mary and I both shake our heads.

"Why are we looking for attire? I assume most of the senior class already have formal attire at home."

"That is most likely true Kazuki-kun, but one of our stipulations is finding a place where one could find formal attire if they do not possess it." she explains.

"But, there is one other reason why."

"What?" I ask.

Suddenly Yuki-san's stoic demeanor is shaken for a second. She twirls her hair bashfully.

"Because we are taking promotional photos as well..."

"W-What!?" Mary and I exclaim in unison.

"I-It is only because we are advertising what a prom is. T-That is all." as her cheeks get slightly pink.

Yuki-san spots a display of a formal dress and a suit. She picks two sets off the rack.

"L-Let us change."

I can't believe this is happening...

----------------------------------------

"Just where are those knuckleheads?"

I could hear her distinctly shrill voice outside of the changing rooms. Daisuke and I were struggling to change into our formal attire in a tiny stall. They were small rooms with mirrors on every side, except for the door, which had a small poster with basic instructions for tying a tie. It was a simple black suit, accented with a white dress shirt, along with some things called "cufflinks." Apparently this was the kind of attire that the senior class was expected to wear, though Yuki-san did say that some couples chose to color coordinate.

I can't believe it's taking this long to wear this stupid suit...

I take a look at myself in the mirror, adjusting my sleeves with the cufflinks. I can hardly recognize myself, noticing how pale and shrived my whole body has become. Those restless nights have been taking a toll on me, but I'm trying to get better. I lightly slap my face to pump myself up. I tap the floor with the tips of my feet to find that the shoes were an excellent fit as well.

"Hey Kaz!" Daisuke shouts through his stall. "Do you know how to tie a tie?"

"Alright, just head out and I'll do it."

Daisuke opens the door and walks out wearing a near identical outfit, except without a tie. Daisuke had his blonde-tips slicked back, his dashing and rugged looks would make him fit to be a male model for a fashion magazine or something.

"Do I have to wear this?" he groans.

The more I looked at him, the more it felt fitting that he went without a tie.

Damn he looks cool.

"We have to, it's for pictures."

Daisuke reluctantly pops his collar up.

I wrap the tie around his neck, and try to recall the exact steps I did earlier, but now in reverse.

"Hey..."

"Hmm?"

"I just wanted to ask how's uh...Mary doing?"

I stop for a second and look up into his eyes.

"What's this all of a sudden?" I ask.

"N-Nothing." he stammers. "I'm just wondering is all..."

I go back to focusing on tying his tie.

"Are you two-?"

"Just stop." I interrupt him.

"So then you and Akane are?"

"I don't know." I reply.

I am trying to open up to her, but this lingering feeling of what I've done still hangs on to me.

Up and over, make this knot, side-to-side, and...done!

I pat Daisuke on the shoulders and we both take a moment to look at each other.

"Hey! Are you two done yet!" Mary's muffled voice echoes through the stalls.

"They're waiting for us Kaz."

We step out of the changing room to see Yuki-san and Mary dressed in formal gowns. I quickly spot class president holding a camera, alongside Sojiro-san who was setting up the lighting.

"Ahem. Y-You two look dashing." Yuki-san tries to hide her blush.

Wow.

Daisuke and I basically had to get our jaws off the floor. They have a similar, albeit a bit subdued, reaction to us as well.

"Holy crap Mary who would've thought you can be elegant." Daisuke stupidly says his thoughts aloud.

Her blue eyes sharply contrasted with the red dress which exposed her shoulders, showing the subtle tan lines she had from being the Roadrunner. The delicate and lacy frills lined along her dual-layer skirt, where the back wrapped around her waist and draped towards the floor, while the front was short enough to reveal her black pantyhose. Mary raises her tanned arms, ready to slap Daisuke in the face for his insolence, though she could hardly move due to her high heels.

"Y-You idiot!" Mary's face and dress match.

"What do you think Kazuki-kun? It is a bit gaudy for my taste..." as Yuki-san gives me a quick spin around.

Her mature-like beauty was characterized by the stark contrast from Mary's dress. It is all-black, detailed by the single strap which went from Yuki-san's accentuated chest to around her slender neck provocatively, almost like a mix between a sash and a choker. At her waist was a thin garment, tied into a bow.

"You look...stunning-"

A sudden pain races through my head!

Argh! Why does this keep happening!

I try to ignore the pain, but Yuki-san manages to see my moment of weakness.

"Kazuki!"

"I'm fine!" I let out. "Let's just hurry and take the pictures."

I've got to get a hold of myself…

"What pictures?"

A familiar voice sends a chill down my spine. I quickly scan the room to see that I was still in the warehouse, but something feels "off." I look to my side to see that everyone is gone, like they have disappeared in an instant. It's quiet enough that I start to notice that my heart was beating rapidly.

"Hello?" I shout aloud, echoing through the building. Nothing happens.

I start to walk around, trying to find anything, but to no avail.

"Mary! Daisuke! Class president!" I call for them, but there is nothing but silence.

"Yu-"

Suddenly I see something in the corner of my eye. I turn around fast enough to spot someone in a white dress.

Why am I feeling this way...?

It was that unexplainable feeling of dread that was coursing through my mind. The air felt colder, the ghostly tension increasing on my shoulders, and my legs barely being able to be upright. I force myself to chase after the white dress.

"Hey wait!"

I chase after it, but no matter how many twists and turns it never slows down. The clacking of the heels vibrates through the floor, with every sound like a hammer in my ears.

"Stop!"

It leads me into a secluded room in the back of the store.

"A dead end."

I step inside, only to find I am alone.

*CRASH*

I instinctively turn around to see the doors behind me have slammed shut.

"Kazuki." I hear a soft-spoken voice.

My heart stops. My eyes widen in shock. It's Her.

"Akane..."

She was wearing an almost identical dress to Yuki-san, only this was completely in white. She looks as stunning as Yuki-san, but my jaw drops for entirely different reasons.

"It looks like a wedding dress, doesn't it?"

I don't respond.

"This is all a dream. A hallucination!"

She laughs.

"You didn't forget about me did you?"

It's my mind playing tricks on me. None of this is real. Akane isn't standing in front of me in a white dress right now. But for some reason, I can't convince myself fully.

"Shut up!" I shout to it.

Suddenly a bright red spot appears on her dress around her stomach. Then it becomes larger and larger. She stumbles step-by-step towards me, her body swaying side to side. The ghost then grasps her neck with her hands, as I can hear that she is struggling to breathe.

"Akane!" as I move closer to her.

I see her struggling eyes, with my distorted face being reflected at me. Bit by bit, I can see her hands slowly lose their grip, and eventually she lets go. She stops moving, just as her white dress changes color to completely red.

"Akane...? Akane!"

"I will always be a part of you." she says in a soft whisper-like tone. I feel a phantom touch caress my cheek.

"Akane!" I shout.

"Woah! Kaz, what's going on?"

It was Daisuke. He was crouched down, looking at me.

"W-Where am I?"

"You're still in the changing rooms. You took a while to change so I went to check on you. I kept knocking on your stall but you didn't open. So I busted through and found you sitting down staring blankly at the mirror." he explains.

"What about Mary? Yuki-san?"

"There still waiting for us outside dude. C'mon hurry up this suit just feels too weird!"

I stand up and try to compose myself.

Was that all a dream...?

I can't forget about Her. No matter how hard I try to. I want to be happy but what I did cannot be forgiven.

So long as Yuki-san is in my life, I can keep my promise to Her.

"By the way Kazuki, do you know how to tie a tie?" Daisuke asks me.

----------------------------------------

"So you're the kid she won't shut up about eh?" a gruff voice says from behind.

Sojiro places his massive hand on my right shoulder.

"What are you talking about?" I ask him.

He lets go of me and stands by. His hulking body is so large that it feels like I'm standing in his shadow. I thought Daisuke was huge, but Sojiro-san here is if he actually put in the effort to train.

"C'mon sonny, I haven't seen Akane=chan smile this much in a long time."

We are doing publicity shots for the promenade. Right now we were off to the side, as class president was setting up the lighting and background fixtures with the rest of them. Because of my recent return, they told me to just wait until they're ready.

"Your name, it's Kazuki right?" he asks.

"Yes." I reply.

"Tell me, what do you think of Akane-chan?"

"W-What?" I stutter.

One wrong word would mean I'd turn into mincemeat in a second.

Is this really happening? I should be careful what I say next...

To be honest, I'm not sure what to think of her right now. After what happened in the other world it seems that I know her better than most people. The problem is that I know it all from Her, not the one from this reality. Everything I liked about Akane Yuki isn't the case for the one in a dress, taking photos with me. Though I am sure they are probably 99% the same person, they aren't exact copies of each other, nor will they ever be. Her final wish for me was to "be happy." I want to live up to that promise, to be happy with her counterpart, but I can't. Something eats me up inside every time I catch myself smiling at her presence. But one thing is for certain:

"I am in love with Akane Yuki." I say confidently.

Sojiro-san's burly laugh vibrates my ears.

"You're not the first one to say that." he tries to calm down.

"But you're the first one I believe." he admits.

The burly old man takes off his glasses and nonchalantly wipes the lenses with his shirt. Sojiro-san takes a quick glance at me.

"She's had a... tough life if I do say so myself." as he puts on his glasses.

"Her father was an old acquaintance of mine. I don't know why I started to meddle in his business, but I just couldn't help it."

It's his own sense of justice.

"One day out of the blue I stop by his house to... 'pick some things up.'" he slightly pauses. "I knock on the door a few times but nobody answers. I guess no one's home. 'How convenient' I thought." he chuckles.

Sojiro-san's smile soon fades.

"Suddenly, the door opens. And for the first time I find out he has a daughter. It's a day I'll never forget sonny."

"What happened?" I ask reluctantly.

He takes a long pause, and stares a bit at the others.

"I ask where her father was. She has no clue. I find out later from other people that he hasn't been home for weeks. He left his own daughter alone – for weeks." as I notice his fists curling.

"I take a step into the apartment and I see empty meal boxes and trash everywhere. I look at the kitchen to see dirty dishes, and spoiled food. Little Akane looks like she hasn't eaten in days."

"I remember the many cuts lining her fingers. I thought it was because of her father, but apparently she tried to cook something and didn't know how to use a knife."

Even at a young age she was like that.

"She was barely in elementary school and already had to grow up."

"That's awful." I reply.

"But there's one thing about that which gives me hope."

"What?" I ask.

"Akane-chan's been lonely all her life sonny." he sighs.

"But never once did I ever see her cry." he smiles quaintly. "And on that day forward I always looked out for her."

"I'm sure she appreciates that."

Sojiro-san wraps his arm around me, and then quickly points at her across the room.

"That girl there is like a daughter to me. Don't you ever make her cry."

My chest starts to tighten up. He relaxes his grip on me.

"That's all I have to say sonny. Make sure she's happy. No matter what."

Can I do that?

I like her, and she likes me. But I can't forget that cursed image of her lifeless eyes out of my mind. I can't differentiate the two Akane Yuki because they are both real to me. I've killed her, yet she is still alive and breathing in this world. A murder like me doesn't deserve forgiveness.

I need to make her happy. That's all that matters now. Even if it kills me inside, I'll ignore it.

"I'll do you a favor kid. Here."

He reaches into his pocket and grabs two slips of paper. They look like coupons or something.

"A new café is opening up soon. Owners bought their uniforms from me and gave me passes to advertise. It's free drinks."

Wouldn't Yuki-san think I'm cheap or something...?

"Take it and go with her. You'll have a great time. If the drinks suck, you'll have something to complain about!" he laughs.

"T-Thanks." I take the passes.

"Kazuki! We're done, c'mon dude!" Daisuke shouts through the room.

"I guess that's my cue."

----------------------------------------

"I am glad that Sojiro-san had given us passes to the new café. It seems they are still setting up the decorations."

We enter the café, which was still in the process of a soft-opening. The walls are partially painted, with the blue colored painter's tape separating the wall into outlines. As far as I could see, there was only a person working the cashier, and another in the back, though the cashier would occasionally go back and forth to help make the drinks.

"At least it isn't busy right now. What would you like?" I ask Yuki-san.

"Hmm..." she looks at the menu intently.

A quick look at the menu hanging over the cashier showed only a few options. The most popular drink was a salt and cream-cheese topping on the regular milk tea. It sounds weird for my taste, but I decide to order that anyways.

"I believe I will have the same as well Kazuki-kun."

For some reason, I half-expected her to order something more sophisticated. Maybe given that she had worked at a café for some time, she was probably making it easier on the staff to make. We hand over our two coupons and stand to the side as our drinks are being made. Suddenly it's awkwardly quiet between us.

"So... How have your sessions with Dr. Mori been?" she asks.

"It's fine. I feel better but sometimes I have trouble sleeping." I admit.

"Hmm..."

"How about you? Why don't you visit her as well since you have trouble sleeping as well?"

Yuki-san rubs her right hand anxiously.

"I have thought about it. Maybe I will." she chuckles.

This whole conversation didn't feel natural to me. With Her we could talk endlessly about anything. I really do like Yuki-san, but clearly there's a rift between us right now. I'm standing next to her yet she feels distant.

"Oh! Tsubasa has sent me the photos of our shoot. Would you like to see them Kazuki?"

"Sure."

She pulls out her phone, which had a cute cat charm attached near the bottom. Yuki-san leans against my shoulder and we both look at the photos.

"I am sure the senior class will be enthralled by this."

It is a picture of the four of us. Mary was elegantly standing in a pose next to a dashing Daisuke in a suit without a tie. Yuki-san swipes the screen left to the next photo. There I was, standing arm-in-arm with Yuki-san, who was dressed in white.

She wasn't dressed in white...?

I blink and then closely look again at the photo. Yuki-san has a black dress on.

I saw a white dress, there's no mistaking it.

I turn my attention to her, who I can't hear right now but can see was mouthing something.

"Kazuki?" my ears finally work. "They called our order."

"Right." I respond.

I walk over to the counter and grab the milk teas.

Argh! Not again!

An image of Her flashes through my head as I can see my fingers wrap around Her slender neck. I squeeze harder and harder, as my grip becomes tighter and tighter. She raises her right and touches my cheek.

"Kazuki!" a voice rings through my ears.

"W-What?!"

I realize I'm standing inside the café. I notice a cold sensation near my feet and in my hands, to find that the two milk teas are destroyed, seemingly because of me. I instinctively drop the crushed cups in my hands as I feel my heart race.

"I-I'm sorry." as I immediately feel the claustrophobic walls closing in on me.

I run out of the café as fast as I can.

"Ka-"

I walk out the door and into the empty street. I deeply inhale the cold breeze, and breathe out my own breath. The jingle of the bells above the door alerts her of my presence, but she still doesn't turn around to face me.

"What is really going on?" she asks, her back still facing me.

"What do you mean?" I reply.

Yuki-san finally turns around, her cheeks red through a mix of the cold and frustration.

"Why are you like this Kazuki-kun? Ever since your return you have been acting so strange."

I can't help it. I wish I could just blindly smile and wave, acting as if nothing happened, but that is the issue. To everyone else, the time loop never happened. All of my memories of Her and the promises I've made – you could almost consider them a part of my imagination. I try and I try to forget, but the uncanny resemblance between Her and Yuki-san causes my hands to tense up, as I still remember how it felt to wrap them around the nape of her neck.

"You wouldn't understand it." I reply.

Yuki-san takes a heavy sigh.

"I thought we agreed to not hide secrets from each other. You promised to not -" she pauses, biting her lip.

"That is not normal!" she points out. "You suddenly just stopped when you got the drinks, like you were in some kind of trance!"

I was...?

"You promised to not push me away."

Her words strike me like daggers. I want to keep my promise to her, but my conscious mind won't allow it.

"Do you remember that night I found you? The night you finally came back to us?"

I don't know how to explain it, and I think any answer I give would make me sound crazy. It felt like I had suddenly teleported back to my original world, and somehow Yuki-san found me a few minutes later.

"I had to do...unspeakable things. The sins that weigh on my shoulders keep me up at night. I have committed acts that cannot be forgiven. How much of your humanity will you forsake to save the people you love?" she says to me bluntly. "Everything I have done is to save you Kazuki."

Yuki-san is on the verge of tears, her pained voice phasing in and out. I say nothing, because only the truth would satisfy her. If I tell her the truth, she will know which will destroy our relationship permanently.

I truly don't deserve her.

Yuki-san finally composes herself.

"I do not care what has happened in the past. Please-" she grabs my hands instinctively.

"Just tell me the truth." she stares deep into my soul.

Every fiber of my being is telling me to lie to her; say something besides the truth. However, I can't live with this guilty conscious anymore. Day by day I can't bear to even look at Yuki-san without almost throwing up. My guilt about what I had to do is too great. Even though I had promised Her to be happy, I do not deserve it so. I know what I must do, I can't lie to her. My wavering heart tells me so. Finally, I decide to tell the truth. I tell her about everything. I tell her about everything since the very beginning, since the day of that accident.

"You want to know the truth?" I ask with a low voice.

She reluctantly nods.

"This is the truth." I sigh deeply.

"The truth is that I know everything. My everything is you."

And so I tell her everything.

"I know about your absentee father. You always wondered how I found about your secret part time job at the cat café, but the truth is I always knew. I know you're scared of heights. I know about your childhood cat-doll that you've sewn and fixed over a dozen times. I know you snore when you sleep. I know that your appetite is insatiable, and that you pretend to be full, even though you're still hungry. Do I need to go on?"

Yuki-san stands there, her blank facial expression unable to respond. I keep going.

"I know everything because...you told me. In another world, we are a happy couple. Until we became stuck in time loop, where I killed you with my own hands." as instinctively the image of my hands around Her slender neck appears in my mind. "I can't sleep at night because I can't get that image out of my nightmares. Not matter how hard I try not to think about it, there will never be another you. I promised the other you to be-" I quickly stop myself from continuing this rant.

She's had enough.

"And that's the truth. I did what I had to do to return." I say with a low voice.

I wait for a response, but Yuki-san doesn't react. She raises her hand to cover her mouth, as she is utterly speechless. Hearing my tirade would instantly make it seem I have gone insane. But for some reason, I could tell she knows I'm not lying, that a part of her believes that everything I've said is genuine, however far-fetched it sounds. It explains everything to her.

"Kazuki..."

She speaks.

"I-I c-can't."

Yuki-san bites her upper lip.

"You're breaking my heart Kazuki..." she grips her chest.

As she tries to make sense of the situation, she backs away from me, and almost trips.

"Look out!" as I rush to grab her.

"Let go of me!" she pushes me away forcefully.

Tears flow down Yuki-san's red face.

"What does that mean? T-That your love for me all this time is fake?! Am I just some object for you?! W-Who are you?!"

My worst fear has come true. Everything she said couldn't be denied. Our entire relationship was built on my own image of her ideal self. Yuki-san is questioning every single decision I have made about her. The Akane Yuki of my world and the Akane Yuki I knew were the same, but they weren't the same person. Now my world is tumbling down, as the person I love is currently looking at a stranger.

"I loved you Kazuki..." as Yuki-san wipes away her tears.

"I love you too Akane." I reply.

Saying that hurts her. Yuki-san's legs are trembling, almost like they were about to give out any second now.

"Please...get away from me!" she shouts. "I don't ever want to see you again!" as she sobs.

She turns her back on me and walks away.

"B-But!" I reach out to her to no avail.

And so we head our separate ways.