CHAPTER 47

“And what am I here for?” I replied bitterly.

Another deep sigh escapes her breath.

“I’m surprised how well you’re taking this.”

Dr. Mugi Mori, the school counselor and apparent doctor was sitting across from me on her worn leather office chair. I rest my hands on my lap, trying my best to ignore the cold metal seat seeping through my skirt. Clearly this was supposed to make me uncomfortable, to leave me in a weakened position. But I’m not so easily broken. This was my fifth conversation with her, and they’ve all led to the same “bad end.”

“Let’s cut to the chase. I know how difficult it must be to control your raging teenage hormones, but you have to leave Kazuhira-kun alone.”

“I-It’s not like that!” I shout, my stern face showing embarrassment for a split-second.

I take a deep breath to compose myself.

“You just don’t understand. None of you do.”

Nobody, not even the boy I loved, believed what I was saying – that this world was a false reality. We were stuck in a perpetual loop, endlessly repeating the same day over and over again. It’s been so long that I’ve honestly lost count; possibly a few times. However, I’ve come up with a way to remember, one where the end will justify the means.

“Try me kid. Speaking of Kazuhira, you wouldn’t believe the things he goes on about.” she shakes her head. “Though he does listen to my rants about society, so we’re even.”

What has society ever done to you?

I think to myself. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell her what was going on. Getting an adult’s perspective on this might be beneficial, and who knows, maybe Dr. Mori would give me a hint to solve this problem.

“Fine. I’ll tell you the truth.”

And so I do.

And so of course she laughs at me. I don’t find it funny.

“Ah! You kids these days and your imaginations. I have to admit that it would make a pretty interesting story. What young lovers come up with!” she says sarcastically.

“It’s true! All of it.” I stand up from my chair impulsively.

“Alright…” she gets taken aback. “I’m sorry if I went too far.” she apologizes half-heartedly.

Dr. Mori reaches for her coffee cup and takes a long gulp.

“Then where’s your proof? Surely if you were repeating the same day over and over, then you’d know what is going to happen right?”

I stay silent. Dr. Mori was barely taking me seriously at all. If I say one wrong thing she’d kick me out, and I’d have to restart this conversation tomorrow.

She was livid when I told her about Kazuki’s accident.

I can’t have it end like this! Not again! I lower my head, my frustration unrelenting.

“Do you know what it’s like to be happy?” she asks me.

I look up, confused at her question. She leans forward a bit closer to me.

“I remember when I was your age, I’d think about things like boys, my grades, and what I was going to do after high school. It all seems like frivolous things now, but all those things gave me sleepless nights.”

I didn’t realize it before but Dr. Mori is a really beautiful woman, one that I might even aspire to be. Her long, glossy black hair gently flows back and forth from the slight breeze in the teacher’s lounge.

“I know that you’re hurt and frustrated, probably acting out rebelliously like I did when I was young. But for someone like you to do this, you shouldn’t expect that to work.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s only your first day here, but I see the look in your eyes. You have this fire and brimstone glare on your face. Ones that would instantly make someone avert their gaze upon your sight.”

She then looks directly into me. It’s like she’s staring deep inside my soul.

“But at the same time – there’s fear. Something in you is wondering whether or not if this is worth doing. Say your story was true. Wouldn’t you be better off not interacting with Kazuhira? Couldn’t it be possible that forgetting about you did not happen by coincidence?”

Finally she takes the words out of my mouth – my biggest fear.

“Maybe he chose to forget about you, for your own happiness.”

My skin turns pale as her words suddenly create an immense pressure on my shoulders.

“Why would he do something so selfishly?”

“Is that so?”

When I asked, Dr. Mori slowly shook her head trying her best to find a silver-lining in this possible scenario.

“I wonder…if those tired eyes of yours would ever manage to find certain happiness.”

With those words, the bell rings and I leave the teacher’s lounge. As I exit, I struggle to find a response, but I am left alone in my thoughts. What I want is to escape this hell, to escape with Kazuki. As I walk back to my class, and as I will sit next to the boy who forgot about me, I wonder to myself – should I forget about him too?

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“Please do it Kazuki.”

There she is – the girl of my dreams. Akane tries to stand, her knees quivering, that even a small breeze of the wind could knock her over. I realize it now – Akane Yuki is the remaining object. She manifested herself into the one true thing that I hold dear. Akane Yuki is important to me – that I know for sure.

Akane Yuki is the object of my affections.

Akane Yuki is the girl of my dreams.

Akane Yuki is the one I love.

It takes every ounce of my strength to move forward, as my whole body suddenly felt empty. I turn to my side to see Daisuke, saying something to me, though I can’t hear what comes out of his mouth. All my senses are trained on Akane Yuki, loud and clear.

“This is the only way!” she cries out to me. “On and on we’ve been repeating this day over and over! Finally, there’s a way for us-“

She pauses momentarily.

“For you to get out of here. We promised each other didn’t we? To break this loop no matter what!”

Finally something escapes my breath:

“I can’t…”

Her eyes scream at me. “Do it!” they say. I want to calm those beautiful hazel eyes filled with despair, but there is only one way for it to subside.

I made a promise.

I reach her, and finally rest my hands upon hers. They were cold, clammy to my touch. The once delicate fingers I was accustomed to were stained in blood, though I can’t tell if it was hers.

“This…this isn’t fair.” I mumble under my breath.

It wasn’t supposed to end this way! We were supposed to escape together! The only way out of this world was through destroying the objects, and I can’t do it!

“There must be some other way! C’mon Akane, you always have some plan to get out of everything! Please…anything!” I plead to her.

“I’m…sorry Kazuki.” she holds back her tears. “There’s only one way out.”

“You are my everything Akane. There’s no point to this if I can’t be with you.”

“Stop it…you’ll just make it harder on yourself.”

It seems that none of my words were getting through to her. She always was a stubborn one when she had her eyes set on something. This was the only thing I cannot allow to happen.

Happen.

Happen.

Happen.

“Hello again.”

I hear an odd but familiar voice.

“It’s time you remember.”

The world around me stops in motion. I look at Akane, who is frozen still. Everything around me has stopped moving.

“She is right y’know. There’s only one way out.”

Finally in the corner of my eye I see a figure. It’s something I’ve seen before, yet I don’t know where. The little girl in the white lily dress appears in front of me.

“Are you ready to give back control?” she asks.

I reluctantly look at Akane one more time. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I will do everything to save her. There must be some other way out of here. If I kill Akane Yuki, I will never forgive myself.

I will save you…for I am a hero of justice!

I stand up, determined to see this through the end.

“Yes.”

Suddenly my vision turns dark, as the whole world around me seemingly disappears in an instant. I can’t feel or sense anything around me, as I’m not even sure if my consciousness still exists. There is simply nothing.

“What is it like to hold the hand of someone you love?”

Kaz ponders in thought. He had sworn that this question had been asked before, but he couldn’t remember exactly how he replied.

Who do I love?

For some reason, I couldn’t remember either. For the longest time, all I had known was this feeling inside – that Akane Yuki was the one for me. I didn’t question it at all. It was simply something that was deep in my core beliefs, almost as if I was taught to love her from the very start.

Then does that mean my love for her is superficial? I think. I say. I feel. I am in love with Akane Yuki. Do these statements truly reflect how much I love her? Or am I bound within the confines of language in order to represent my feelings for her? You must understand there are no ways for me to describe how much I love her!

“It makes me feel happy.” I reply.

I am still somewhere unknown. There is a black “nothingness” around me. It’s what I would imagine being blind is like. I can feel my eyes are open, yet my vision is dark and black. My senses are being stimulated, but I don’t feel any of it was by my own body.

“I’m glad.” Akane smiles at me.

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Suddenly I am sitting next to her – the one I love. We are apparently outside. This is the place at school where I first confessed my love to her.

“Is there something wrong Kazuki?” she asks with a concerned expression.

This must be an illusion, a trick of some sort. I don’t know how much time has passed, but the last vivid memory I have is Akane Yuki begging to be destroyed. Although I know that world was false, I was trying to find a way out that would not result in her death. However, all of this seems real. I can smell the spring air, I can feel the breeze sift through my fingertips, and I can see and touch the person I love next to me.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

Akane grabs my hand forcefully.

“I’ll always be by your side Kazuki.”

“I’m sorry!”

An ephemeral darkness quickly blinds everything, transitioning my consciousness to nothingness.

The past.

The present.

The future.

All of these realities were constructive to fit my needs. For if I am to fulfill my dreams, sacrifices need to be made.

What was that? It is what you could become? Don’t you want to be happy? Then you must leave everything behind. Because you have chosen this path, there must be no regrets. For if there are any, you will be disgracing the sacrifices you have made.

I give up everything in order to face the reality.

This world is a fake, and I have experienced it long enough. I choose to suffer, rather than live in a false happiness. For if I am to live in this world, I would be its savior, an impeccable being that understands the truth. That lies in the problem, as I am not ignorant of these ways no longer. I am choosing to be selfish, to destroy everything. I am no longer doing this for her, but for myself.

Akane is lying on the floor of the home economics room.

Akane can barely speak with my hands around her frail neck. I squeeze harder and harder. My grip becomes tighter and tighter. Teardrops begin to drop down onto her pale and bloody face.

“Akane…”

She raises her right hand and touches my cheek. Her thumb wipes away the tears running from my left eye.

“It’s…okay.” she weakly lets out. “I’ll always be by your side…”

I strengthen my resolve, and tighten my grip. I don’t let go until her hand lifelessly lets go of my face.

Suddenly my vision goes dark. I am surrounded by a veil of water. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe!

“Reach out to me.” it says.

Akane!

A hand appears in the light, and I grab it.

I am engulfed in a light, and it feels warm, like a mother’s embrace as she wraps her arms around me. I want this feeling to last forever, but suddenly it becomes cold. It shocks me awake.

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“What do you dream of? Do you remember?”

“Do it one more time! Please?”

Akane really wanted to hear me say it again for some reason.

“Do I have to? It’s really embarrassing.” I cringed.

Akane crosses her arms.

“After all I’ve done for you Kaz, and this is how you repay me?” she pouts.

I guess doing it one more time wouldn’t hurt…

“Fine.” I sigh. “Just one more time – last time.”

I stand up, with my legs shoulder-width apart. I take a deep breath to compose myself, as if I was going to do this for the last time today, I wanted it to be perfect like all the other times.

Here goes nothing…

“Masked Avenger…transform!”

In one continuous motion, I strike my pose! With my left arm extended to the sky, and with a right fist full of justice, I was ready to battle evil-doers and fight for what’s right!

“For I am a hero of justice!”

“Papa, did mommy make you do the thingy again?”

Immediately I can feel my face getting warmer and warmer. A cold sweat forms, while my five-year-old daughter stares at me with a frown on her face. Suddenly, it felt as if I was the child in this room right now.

“Oh my hero!” Akane dramatically confesses. “Marie!” she points at her. “Papa loves to do this for mommy.”

Marie and I exchange looks of understanding.

Mom gets scary when she doesn’t get what she wants…

“We’re gonna be late for school!” Marie mentions.

Marie was our pride and joy. Turning just five a few days ago, the day Akane and I both dreaded had finally arrived – her first day of school. She was so excited that I bet she didn’t have a single moment of sleep. In fact, I think Akane saw her wake up extra early today just to put on her school uniform.

Though she was still just a baby in our eyes, Marie seemed more mature than the other kids around her age during preschool. A part of me was relieved that she inherited her mother’s looks and smarts, while she took upon my sense of justice. I still remember that one day where we were called into a parent-teacher conference after Marie supposedly got into a fight with another child. Hearing Marie’s side of the story on the way home, she stood up for another student who was getting picked on.

Thankfully the other parents didn’t press charges…and it helps that her classmates supported her.

“Do you have everything?!?” as Akane kneels down to her level and checks up on her backpack.

“Pencil?”

Marie nods.

“Crayons?”

Marie nods.

“Notebook?”

Marie nods.

“…” Akane pauses. “Umm…”

“Your break time snack…?” I interject.

“That’s it!” Akane stands up and heads to our kitchen, and quickly returns with a large lunchbox. It turns out Marie inherited her mother’s large appetite as well.

“Thanks mommy! You too papa!”

Marie was the cutest little girl in the world! Just seeing her like this made me feel and proud and warm inside.

Is this how my parents felt when I was younger?

"Oh!" I quickly remember. "I'll be right back. Gotta go to the bathroom!" I say to Marie.

I almost forgot my gift for Marie's first day. I'm sure i left it atop of the nightstand in our bedroom. I dash upstairs.

Where is it?!?

It was just a small good-luck charm, so it shouldn't be too hard to find right? I'm sure I left it atop the nightstand. I definitely remember leaving it there last night. Akane's gonna kill me since it was literally right in front of me as we woke up.

Maybe Akane took it?

That probably made the most sense logically. Akane probably knew I was going to forget and took it downstairs already. Yeah! That must be it! I quickly head back down casually, to avoid spilling the surprise to Marie.

*DING DING*

“Someone’s at the door!” Marie clutches Akane’s leg.

It must be her.

Akane heads towards our door and peeks through the eyehole, and then opens it.

“H-Hellos.” said a distinctly child-like, his voice cracking from anxiety.

The boy adjusts his yellow hat to cover his dirty-blonde hair. It was Shohei, one of the kids who lived in our neighborhood. Apparently, he was the one Marie stood up for, and so when asked how he could repay her, Marie proclaimed that Shohei had a “life-debt” to pay her. He promised to always be by her side - no matter what.

He better not start wearing a fedora…

“Oh my God! You’re so adorbs!” Akane fawns over him.

He was wearing the same uniform Marie was, though his hat seemed a bit tight around his proportionally large head.

“Ahem…and what do you say to Aunt Akane?” his mother reminds him.

“T-Tanks you.” Shohei shyly lets out.

It was none other than our old friend Mary Kaneko. She’s at our front door, dressed much more formally than I’m used to. Mary isn’t even wearing her trademark track suit jacket.

“That’s my boy.” she pats him on the head.

“I’m surprised you managed to find time to be here.” I say to her.

Mary laughs.

“I wouldn’t miss this for the world idiot Kaz.” she snaps at me, annoyed. “Besides, the track team can take a day off. They’ve been running non-stop! If I pushed them any harder, they’d pass out again.” she chuckles.

What kind of practices are you running?!?

“Though I wish he could be here.” she sighs, her brow furrowed.

Yeah me too.

Daisuke was overseas doing some ambassador work. It was rare to see him at home, so I wasn’t surprised that he would miss this event.

“It’s okay though. Shohei’s like a little version of Daisuke at home. Sometimes he’s really cool and tough like him, but other times, he a knucklehead reminds me of you.”

We both share a hearty chuckle, but then I suddenly realize it hits a little too close to home.

“Finally Shohei’s here. Now can we go?!?” Marie says, jumping in anticipation.

We all escort our kids to the school. But, as we arrive at the front gate, someone had been waiting for us.

“D-Daisuke?!?” Mary says, stuck between a state of shock and joy.

My best friend and partner-in-crime was standing at the front gate, trying his best to stay inconspicuous.

“Hey everyone!”

Daisuke kneels, though he was still towering over Shohei.

“Dad!” as he runs into Daisuke’s warm embrace.

“I-I thought you were busy with that thing overseas?” Mary questions him.

“I still am technically. You’d be surprised how many people have no idea what the ambassador actually looks like.” he chuckles. “Besides, the plane leaves tonight. I’m only here for a while, but there’s no way I would miss my little guy’s first day.”

Somehow, all four of our original group was here today. I made me feel a little sad that our group slowly drifted apart, caring for our own families, but today, it reminded me of those nostalgic and simpler days.

I’m glad to have them in my life.

I instinctively start to rub and play with my wedding ring as we all drop off our kids. It was a simple gold one, a bit worn from wear and the weather.

Hmm…

All of a sudden a strange thought appeared in my mind:

When did I get this ring?

It must have been when I proposed to Akane; that was the only logical explanation.

Then why can’t I remember how I did it?

There was only one reason why I had the ring on, and it was because I was married to Akane Yuki. I take a quick glance at my wife’s hand, and she also had a ring on her appropriate finger as well. I must have proposed to her, but I can’t remember when or how.

This is crazy. Why can’t I remember anything about why we’re married.

“What’s wrong Kaz?” Akane quickly noticed my expressionless face.

“This is gonna sound crazy…but do you remember how we got married?” I quietly whispered to her. “I can’t remember what happened.”

Akane gasps. “How could you Kaz?!?” she feints a faint.

But, as Akane slowly thinks about it, she’s coming to the same conclusion.

“I-I can’t remember either. What the hell?” she ponders in thought.

Immediately a look of dread appears on her face.

“Mama? What’s wrong?”

Marie notices that we’ve been too quiet. Akane kneels down towards her eye-level and quickly puts on a smile.

“N-Nothing Marie. Mama loves you very much. Papa does too.”

Akane pats Marie’s head, affirming her affection.

Marie is my daughter. She is five years old.

My mind quickly changes to think about Marie. Maybe if I thought about her, then maybe my memories could be recalled.

Marie is my daughter. She is five years old.

Marie is my daughter.

Marie is my daughter?

When was she born? I try to rack my head around that her birthday was only a few days ago, but I don’t remember us celebrating that or anything. In fact, I only had vague descriptions of who Marie was, almost as if they were just quick facts on a notecard. I look at my daughter Marie, who suddenly felt like a stranger to me. Inside, I felt like I truly cared for her, that I was willing to do anything to protect her at all costs, but yet, I don’t know why I would do that. The only notion was this person was my own flesh and blood.

"Papa?" she looks at me with one eyebrow raised. She has her hands behind her back.

"What...is it?" I say calmly, wincing in this sudden burst of confusion.

"I have something for you."

She pulls out something from behind. Instantly, I recognized what it is:

The Masked Avenger Pin.

“Argh!”

A massive headache hits me out of nowhere. It feels like my mind is racing so fast that my brain can’t catch up, merely taking my head around and around in a lo-.

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op.

This reality is one of my choosing.

I chose to forget. Was I afraid of losing her? Yes! I admit it!

I am the key! But the door cannot be open if the lock has no key.

I have realized the truth, and it chases me.

Call him Ishmael. Tell him a black body is true

And he will ask for a white whale.

It must be the one fit for you.

For his name is something given.

As I walk through this world of life, it is only the dead

who gives me strength.

I call Her name; she does not speak.

I see Her face; she cannot see.

I am not sure if she remembers.

The madness consumes me, struggles, my mind says

"no."

The dream keeps me awake, but I want to know!

I feel it here.

It wraps around my body, warm to the touch.

The mind enters a malaise, a feeling of comfort and relaxation.

Of course it’s great! What the future holds can only be determined

by me.

What I choose to do will have dire consequences.

For it is for Her that I do everything.

For me to remember, I must forget about Her.

Akane Yuki I must kill you.

Killing her will end this madness.

Was this not true love?

Oh how cruel must it be!

For two star-crossed lovers to end in such tragedy! It is the embodiment of the soul, which transforms our inner feelings for each other.

Alas Akane, for it is fate that has intertwined our destinies with

each other.

I forgot about Her,

and therefore,

I remembered Her.

Deep down, it was impossible for this to continue.

Our sacrifices must not be in vain!

This reality is not the subject of this story.

The true art which creates the special reality

has nothing to do with the “reality” perceived by the viewer.

In other words, the entirety of this reality is something created

by nothing.

If my love for Her exists in this false reality, does that also make

my love for Her

untrue?

No – it cannot be!

It is about seeing through the façade.

You must completely eradicate everything untrue.

This has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier.

For it is the battle against the untruth.

The flames of our passion cannot be extinguished so easily!

My love for Her is real,

because I perceive it to be true.

Although the reality is false, my love for Her is real,

therefore it makes this reality true.

Reality cannot be confided into objective terms of “true”

and “false.”

Characters, script, dialogue are all part of the puzzle to the story.

It is because of the choices that have dire consequences –

and it all starts with Her.

For the love of my life is Akane Yuki – my one and only.

I will turn down eternity unless the melancholy and the tenderness

of a mortal life;

I will take the passions and the pain,

for whichever form it may take, she is the one for me.

It continues below:

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I only see a blurry image in the foggy mirror. As I wipe the dense water droplets that accumulated, I finally see myself clearly.

Hunger.

I quickly put my hands on the sink and feel something gurgling from my stomach. It causes me to cough violently, as I try my best to ignore the pain.

Am I really back?

Pinch me, I feel the pain on my cheek. I quickly pat myself down and dress. I head out towards the messy living room. I move towards the coffee table, and run my finger down in a line.

Hmm.

I wipe my finger apathetically on my pants, leaving a small, but noticeable gray mark. I’ve never actually been inside this apartment before. To my surprise, the front door was seemingly unlocked. I think I expected something a little grander, but all I feel is emptiness. Something feels missing in this household.

I guess no one’s been here in a while. Either that or they’ve really let themselves go.

I then turn my attention towards the rest of the living room. Outside of a few necessities like furniture or lighting, I don’t see anything that could indicate a “personal” touch. No photos, no posters – nothing.

Maybe I came too late?

I’m sure I’m at the right place. It was almost midnight, assuming the clock on the wall was correct. I take a peek out of the window blinders, and I can see the city lights beaming across the city.

It’s just how I remembered it.

I start feeling something in my chest, almost like a nostalgic feeling is overwhelming me. Suddenly I hear something behind me. A voice:

“Who are you?”

I turn my head to side. It appears someone had open the front door and entered. The light outside the door wrapped around the person enough that I can see her figure. I see her hand waving around in the darkness, as she tries to find a light switch.

I hear a distinct “click” and one of the lights above me turns on. It takes my eyes a few moments to adjust, until I finally can see everything about her once again.

“It can’t be…” she covers her mouth in shock.

And finally she calls me by my name:

“Kazuki…?”