CHAPTER 43

Akane Yuki ceases any form of communication with me. All forms. With her standing in front of me, expressionless, without any hints of emotion, I naturally felt that there was nothing left for me to say. She had no response to my words, unable to deny my accusations. Deep down I was expecting her to call me a liar, to tell me I was wrong, but she didn’t. In the end, I had no other choice but to leave the room.

I take my time to exit the hotel, trying to think of what to do next. Now I was completely on my own, as I cannot trust someone who purposefully murdered me. Everything she said was overwhelming, but a part of me believed that she was telling the truth, so I have no reason to doubt any of her information.

Objects...? Do I even have one?

Akane Yuki had her worn red ribbon. Mary had her super rare limited-edition Masked Avenger pin. I still have no clue where to even start. Did I really have one? Even Akane Yuki had no zero clues on what it could be. She had spent nearly a lifetime in this endless loop, committing unforgiveable acts in order to retain her memories, and yet she had zero leads. I try to think, racking my head around anything significant I had around me, but nothing really fit; nothing I could think of had any physical changes.

I have no clue…

I pass by the motorcycle we “borrowed,” still parked by the front entrance. I aimlessly walk around the surrounding area, as maybe a change of environment could spark something.

Are we doomed to stay here forever?

Even though I could retain my memories day-to-day, it didn’t matter at the end if I couldn’t break this loop. Akane Yuki was my best shot at breaking it, and in the heat of the moment I blew it. If she doesn’t consider me an ally anymore, I might actually forget everything.

I feel a cold sweat suddenly manifest throughout my body. I can’t hear anything, no sounds, and my vision gradually narrows. I think my body was shutting down from the fatigue, but my brain was fighting to keep myself conscious.

All of a sudden I hear a buzzing noise, one emitting from my pants pocket. That must be my phone! Someone must be calling me right now! Of course! I don’t remember ever giving my phone number to Akane Yuki, but she must have found out in the past!

I take my cell phone out of my pocket.

The name “Daisuke Akatsuka” is displayed on my screen.

Maybe it would have been too convenient if Yuki-san actually had my number. I couldn’t help myself from having unrealistic solutions to abnormal situations.

I calm myself down, and accept the call.

I hear nothing but silence.

I don’t get the usual vibe from Daisuke, though that might have been the connection. Or maybe Daisuke was always like this over the phone. Sure we are partners-in-crime, but I don’t think we’ve ever talked over the phone before.

“Meet me at the park in one hour.” he speaks first.

I wasn’t sure if it was because of my poor reception, but Daisuke’s voice sounded cold and callous. Immediately I could tell this was something serious.

“Is something wrong Daisuke?” I reply, concerned by the tone of his voice.

Daisuke has a brief moment of hesitation; I can hear his heavy sigh through the phone.

“No. But there’s something we need to talk about.”

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I arrive quickly to see Daisuke sitting on the swing, gently lifting his feet up and down for some momentum. I’m at the old park we used to frequent as kids, the one we grew out of by the time we got to middle school. I approach him cautiously, carefully taking one step at a time. He definitely knows I’m here, but he doesn’t turn around to acknowledge my presence.

“Kept me waiting, huh Kaz?”

“What did we have to talk about that you couldn’t over the phone?” I asked.

“Is there no escaping this loop?” Daisuke got straight to the point.

“How do you know about the loop?”

“I’m not sure if you’re aware, but that little stunt you did with the transfer student caught the attention of the whole school.” he explains. “Or rather, it caught the attention of a tiny blonde girl next door.”

Mary…!

He leaps off the swing, landing a few meters away. Daisuke walks over finally stands tall in front of me. He had his hands inside his pockets, and I can see that he was holding onto something hidden inside.

“I had to practically beg to know what’s going on.” Daisuke kicks his feet on the ground, his gaze still kept low.

“I kinda wish I didn’t to be honest.” he chuckles anxiously.

“It doesn’t matter, since you’re going to forget anyways.” I put it bluntly.

“I want to though.” he admits. “But I wanted to ask you for a favor Kaz.”

Daisuke finally looks at me with his gloomy eyes.

“Please don’t break this loop.”

“W-Why?”

I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to break this loop. I still remember that time at the café where he would whole-heartedly support me no matter what.

“Things…have changed Kaz.” he sighs. “You remember my little sister Yui right? I visit her at the hospital every day.”

Yui…?

To be honest, I nearly forgot that Daisuke had a sister; I have been dealing with this abnormal situation. Now having learned that, I immediately understand why he doesn’t want to break the loop.

“The doctors said her condition is terminal Kaz. It’s been that way for a while now.” he reveals. “Be honest with me Kaz – is there a way out?”

I stand there, silent, unable to form a coherent answer.

But maybe Akane Yuki’s theory is true!

“I’ve found a possible way out, I just-“

“Please!” Daisuke falls on his knees and grabs my hand. “Yui means the world to me Kaz. I’m okay being stuck in this loop, if it means we can be together.”

I look into his desperate eyes. Daisuke was practically on the verge of tears, pleading his heart out to me. Right now, I probably looked like a monster to him – not the idiot friend he’s known since childhood.

I…I didn’t think this would happen.

But I made a promise to myself. I am Kazuki and Kazuhira. Together we are one, and I want to break free.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t stop.”

Even though it was probably pointless to apologize, I still felt the need to.

“Why? Why does it matter so much to you? Who cares what’s real or not! You’re living it, experiencing it, that’s what matters!” he yells out. “Look at the world around you Kaz! Can you feel the air breeze? Can you smell the flowers? What’s the difference? Am I right?”

I brush off his grip.

“You’re right Daisuke. I can’t tell. But I refuse to live a lie! I want something genuine. I’ve made promises I have to keep.”

Daisuke wipes away his tears, and stands up, back on his feet. He knows there was nothing he could do to dissuade me from my goal.

“It’s funny isn’t it? I hate you so much right now Kaz, but come tomorrow, I’ll be back to normal?”

He was right. It’s just like the one-sided crush he had on the new transfer student. I wasn’t his friend right now – I was his enemy.

“I have no regrets Kaz. I want you to remember how serious this is, you stupid Hero of Justice.”

I look at him with determined eyes.

I can’t back down from my ideals.

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The sun is about to set now, and I’ve been wandering around aimlessly all day. I’m worn out. It’s probably because of the complete collapse of my relationship with Akane Yuki, and that I would effectively set Daisuke’s sister towards a death sentence. In the end, I am probably making excuses, trying to rationalize my stupid mistakes.

Damn it.

I look at the time on phone. I had forgotten. I had forgotten that the accident was going to happen very soon. I come across the same deadly intersection every night. I am safe however, since I instinctively remembered to stop, due to the immense shock and pain I received from getting hit by a truck. But the truth was, I still had troubled memories because Akane Yuki had killed me there. I start to wonder if the truck never killed anyone, would I have bothered to break this loop to begin with.

I can’t keep thinking like that.

However, if I wasn’t going to die, someone else was going to get killed by this unavoidable accident. Because I had forgotten about it, I was too late to save that person. Even though I knew far ahead of time that someone would get killed, I didn’t stop it. I think only a monster like me would come up with the excuse of “Because I had forgotten about it.”

It’s almost as if I killed that person myself.

Then it finally hits me:

I am no better than Akane Yuki.

I see Mary Kaneko, walking home alone. She must have been studying alone at the club room by herself. I should be by her side but I am not.

She is the girl I loved since yesterday, and yet I don’t know why.

Even if she would live tomorrow, did that make her life meaningless? Was there any point in saving her if everything resets anyways? Was she not worth saving since she was destined to die over and over?

Like usual, I see the truck is driving towards her.

I stand froze, almost as if time has slowed down. I have a decision to make-

I am unable to save her from this position. Even if I were to run for it, full-sprint, there’s no way I can make it in time!

Mary Kaneko is going to die. Mary Kaneko is going to die, painfully and slowly. Mary Kaneko is going to die because of me. Mary Kaneko is going to die over and over – and it’s my fault. Mary Kaneko is okay with dying over and over, and the blood is on my tainted hands. I keep ignoring it, when I shouldn’t be overlooking what is unfolding.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

“Mary!”

I run towards her. I wasn’t going to save her anyways, but yet I can’t endure my feelings of guilt anymore, and just want it to go away. It’s merely a convenient way for me to uphold my naïve sense of justice.

Am I a monster? I must be?

And then I see something I did not expect.

The girl who I thought was going to die miraculously gets pushed out of the way.

I didn’t do it – I am too far away to reach her.

Immediately I know that there was only one person who could have saved her.

The girl who never gave up, even when I forgot my memories, and I coldly acted like we were strangers.

She couldn’t have made it in time, but Akane Yuki jumped out.

I’ve seen this happened before.

All of this will repeat over and over again anyways. Saving Mary tonight means nothing in the end, almost like it was the equivalent of getting only a single answer correct on a test. All that will remain is the painful memory of death. There is an unspeakable amount of despair that comes with that experience.

And yet Akane Yuki jumped out in front of the truck, in order to save someone else from getting killed.

Over and over again.

I see.

How could I forget?

Akane Yuki did not kill me that night – she was trying to save me wasn’t she? She would never kill anyone. How foolish of me!

I can hear the tires skidding across the road, and the truck smashes through the lamppost like glass, toppling it over. I approach Yuki-san, my ears still ringing from the wailing horn. Mary is lying next to her, covered in minor scars, still processing what she has seen, too shocked to notice I was here.

I turn my attention to Akane Yuki. Her right arm is unnaturally bent the wrong way. A small trail of blood is flowing from a cut on her head. Her lips are trembling, but she speaks with such clarity that you would almost assume she’s completely uninjured.

“Last time I killed you.”

Although I can hear her shallow breaths, holding back the pain, her tone was calmingly normal.

“I’m sorry Kazuki. I saw you wandering around the site of the accident, and when the truck came towards you, I just…I just couldn’t move. I’ve saved you multiple times before without hesitation, but that night, I flinched.” she explains.

“I wanted to see what would happen if you died. I don’t know why, but I thought that maybe this was what you needed in order to remember. I don’t want to admit…but I gambled everything on the hope that you would finally remember.”

I now understand why she decided to act as if she forgot everything.

Akane Yuki could not forgive herself for accepting my death.

She was guilt-ridden, so much so that she was about to give up escaping, and to carry out her own self-imposed punishment of this endless loop.

How cruel have I been?

Then why did you kill me! Those words were never true. She had tried to save me, but couldn’t make it in time.

“I was pretty stupid, wasn’t I Kazuki? It doesn’t matter in the end. Maybe we are stuck in this loop forever…” as Akane Yuki coughs up some blood.

“I’m so fucked up.” she whimpers.

“J-Just don’t speak if it hurts.” I kneel down and hold her in my arms.

She lets out a laugh, followed by violent coughing.

“I’m used to this level of pain Kazuki, this is nothing. It’s just temporary.”

I can’t help but feel uncomfortable with how Akane Yuki was dealing with this. She seemed strangely fine with her current situation.

“I probably knew deep down that I wouldn’t be able to break the loop.”

“…Why?” I asked.

“I’m too dangerous to escape.”

Akane Yuki brushes me off, and stands up, her right arm still bent the wrong way. It looks like she’s unbalanced, and should’ve stayed down, but I think she couldn’t bear to have me look down on her any further.

“Hold this, will you?” she places her right hand in front of me. I grip her hand tightly, as she braces herself for the incoming pain.

In one motion, she straightens her arm, as I hear a loud popping noise, presumably from fixing her dislocated arm.

Probably because Akane Yuki stood up, Mary finally snaps out of her frozen daze, and wakes up from her petrified state. She looks at me, and her face immediately becomes flushed white.

“Are you okay Mary…?”

“…!” Mary’s delayed scream escapes her mouth.

“W-What are you t-two talking about?!?” she is uncontrollably shaking. “S-Since when did you know the transfer student Kazuki-kun?”

What is Mary talking about?

Why was Mary looking at me for answers? If anything, it seemed as if she had no idea what was going on when she should. For some reason, I reached out to comfort her.

“D-Don’t touch me!” she slaps away my hand. Mary was terrified.

“…What are you…?”

“Mary, what are you talking about?!”

“Wait.” Akane stumbles in front of me. “Something’s missing from her.” she points out.

I look closer at Mary, only to find her Masked Avenger pin was missing. I immediately grab her arms.

“Where’s your pin?!?” I said, raising my voice louder than I should have.

“W-What pin?”

“Your object, the Masked Avenger pin you’re always wearing. It’s the same one that you’ve been wearing all this time!”

“Y-You’re scaring me Kaz…!”

The very same girl I loved was terrified at my sight right now. Mary couldn’t stand to look at me with her formerly adoring eyes no longer. This Mary I was talking to is not self-aware.

“Could it be…you can’t retain your memories if you don’t have your object?" Akane thought aloud.

“What?” She did have a point. It was the most logical explanation right now. There was only one problem.

“Then how am I able to retain my memories?” I still had zero clues what my object was.

“I don’t know Kazuki. You are the key to this loop, so maybe you have something special only to you.”

That’s too convenient.

I look back at Mary, who was still out of the loop. I wanted to explain everything to her. Maybe she would even understand some of it. But I can’t. Was this a blessing in disguise? The girl who was struck by a truck every day finally had a chance of a peaceful (though never ending) life. That’s what I was fighting for right?

Mary rejects my explanation and staggers backwards on her shaky legs.

Then she runs away in the other direction.

I stare at her as she flees.

I want to avert my gaze, but I do not. Her fearful expression is seared into my memories.

Wait a minute…

If Mary doesn’t have her Masked Avenger Pin, where did it go?

“Just great, now we have to find her object again…” Akane Yuki sighs.

She didn’t have the strength to stand anymore, so she sits down, leaning her back against the wall. I join her.

“The day is going to reset pretty soon.”

I stay silent. By now a few pedestrians have taken notice at us.

“I’m sorry Kazuki.”

“What?”

I didn’t expect that.

“I lost sight of what matters Kazuki. I thought maybe letting you die once would be the trigger to make you remember everything. I became something sub-human – no, even worse. I am just a coward who abandoned the only person that cared about me and used him like a guinea pig. I kept telling myself it was the only option, when the truth is, I just gave up.”

Even though she was beating herself up, I could still see the fire in her eyes. Part of me feels relieved.

“But don’t worry about me. I did something horrible, but that’s no reason for giving up. I won’t run away from my guilt anymore Kazuki. So-“

Yuki-san shuts her mouth, a bit reluctant to finish her words. She deeply sighs and states:

“So please – forgive me.”

I thought it would be her final words or something before the reset, but it turned out to be an apology to me. It means nothing to me.

“I can’t forgive you.”

Akane Yuki looks surprised, followed by a momentary expression of shame, but then her serious face returns right away.

“I see…you can’t forgive your murder. I understand.”

“That’s not it.”

Akane Yuki raises an eyebrow, still unsure of what I was getting at.

“What I mean is…there’s nothing to forgive.”

It’s not because I won’t forgive her. I just can’t forgive her - because there was nothing to forgive to begin with.

“K-Kazuki…w-what are you saying?”

“You? Kill me?”

She nods her head.

I smile spontaneously.

“You must be joking.” I laugh. “I am here, alive and well Akane.”

If anyone was responsible for all this happening, it was me. Yuki-san and like everyone else were victims of my doing. If only I could remember what my object was.

I can feel her shoulders trembling next to me. What does that mean? I get nervous and sneak a peek at her.

“Haha…Hahahahahaha!”

She was laughing? Even though she was in critical condition, she was hit with explosive laughter.

“W-Why are you laughing? I…I don’t get it?”

She ignores my questions and continues laughing. Sure my line earlier might have been a bit cheesier than I expected, but still, I was confident I said something “cool,” for the first time in a while. It seems that it led to nothing more than laughter.

Akane Yuki finally composes herself, though her face was still slightly pink. She returns to her usual stoic expression, and speaks to me in a whisper-like tone.

“I have experienced over 27,253 loops Kazuki, and probably going to experience many more.”

“I’m sorry.” I reply.

“I thought I had completely understood all your behavioral patterns, your thoughts, what you were thinking at all times by now. But, I don’t think I ever expected your statement right now. Somehow, you still surprise me Kazuki.”

I stay silent, listening intently.

“I remember people asking me why I cared about you so much. At first glance, it seems like you are some ordinary guy with nothing special, but actually you’re probably more stubborn than I am. For that reason, maybe that’s why you were finally aware of what’s going on. You can tell the difference between what’s real and fake, even better than I can.”

Do I really?

“I don’t think that’s the case Akane. I can’t distinguish it at all. I still feel pain whenever the accident happens, even though I know it’s going to be reset.”

“Of course. It’s only natural you would feel that way after seeing something like that. For example, when you watch a movie or read a book, you would feel empathy for the characters when they’re in peril or something right? It’s the same idea here.”

Is it really? I wonder?

“Kazuki.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry.”

This was sudden. I don’t understand what she’s apologizing for this time. In an instant, the hope in her eyes was gone.

“I’m sorry for all this, especially for my incompetence.”

“I-It’s alright Akane.”

I always felt uncomfortable when someone so clearly superior to me apologizes sincerely to me. It’s pathetic of me to do nothing.

“That was just a simple apology, and you’re okay with that?”

I nod earnestly.

A slight smile appears on Akane’s face.

“Even after all this time, you still make my heart flutter.”

Time?

I look around to see a small crowd of people gathering around us. Many among them are people I recognize either from school or my neighborhood. Akane Yuki and I had been talking to each other, ignoring them completely. Well, I guess it would make sense that Mary would be terrified. She somehow lost her object and her memories along with it. A casual chat between me and a blood-stained Yuki-san must appear disturbing to normal people.

I still had one lingering question though – what happened to Mary’s object? If she was against destroying this loop, then surely she would not have destroyed it.

Then it must be missing. Someone must have stolen it…or?

“I suppose we’re nearing the end of the 27,253 loop. And the beginning of the 27,254th.”

No part of me fights against it. I just accept that willingly. Instinctively, I offer my hand to Yuki-san.

Without hesitation, she takes my hand - the same hand that she had refused before.

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What truth?

Mary tells me everything. I followed her outside and she drops a bombshell on me.

“W-What? Y-You’re crazy Roadrunner! Are you sure you didn’t lose a few brain cells from running around all the time?”

“Yes. Everything I have just said is true. You can even confirm it with Kaz.”

Just what was going on?!? Mary drags me outside near the vending machines and drops a bomb on me! We’re stuck in some sort of repeating day? And Kaz is somehow the key to all this? This is nonsense!

I shouldn't have asked!

“W-Wait a minute! If everything really resets, then how can you remember things? I thought you said Kaz was special right?”

I had too many questions to ask, and I wanted every one of them answered. Mary points to her old Masked Avenger pin.

“This. This is how I remember. This is my object, a constant reminder of what has happened.”

I inspect it closely. It was worn, a bit faded from time. It was the same one she wore every day right?

Was it always like this?

Doubts began to form in my head. But there’s no way this is happening! It’s too unbelievable. Mary must’ve been playing a prank on me like she has in the past. Though I had to admit, this was a prank that has gone on long enough.

“Kaz is special. I am still not entirely sure what his object is either. Though I have an idea of where it may be.”

“Where? What does he have to do with this?” I ask.

Kazuhira Kaneshiro is the key to all this? I sigh at the thought that the fate of the world hung onto the balance of my very oblivious friend.

“He is planning on destroying this loop, therefore destroying this world.”

“How is that a bad thing? If Kaz is planning on breaking this loop, then I have to support him.”

I get what Kaz was coming from. If I was in his position, I would do the same, try to escape by any means necessary. I would accept something real than a fake.

“Because…there is no escape.”

“W-What?”

“Do you know how many times I’ve experienced this loop Daisuke?”

I shake my head.

“Over 37,336. I think I’ve lost count actually.”

37,336…?!?

“There is no escape. I’ve experienced everything. I’ve died countless times now Daisuke.”

There was no emotion in her voice. This wasn’t the same cheerful Mary Kaneko that I knew, that everyone here at Kasumigaseki High knew. Instead, an empty shell of a girl was barely standing in front of me.

“Y-You must have missed something. There has to be a way out! Kaz-“

“He won’t!” Mary interrupts. “Can’t you see?!? There’s no point fighting it anymore. Kaz, the transfer student, they’re just causing more pain for themselves. Why suffer when you can just accept being around the people you love? Is it wrong of me to save the people I care about?"

I had nothing to say against her. She had a good point. If you knew something was impossible, then why would one bother wasting time and resources to achieve it? It was like looking for a needle in a haystack, but there was no needle to begin with.

“Kaz and the transfer student think that destroying all the objects will break this loop. Even that’s uncertain since we don’t know what will happen to everyone.”

“So you’re saying…?”

“Yes. Everything in this world would disappear.”

Yui…!

And in an instant I decide to support Mary.

Mary steps closer to me, and she places something in my hand. It was her Masked Avenger pin.

“I’m fine spending eternity with the people I love. Who cares if it’s real or not? I am with the people I care about, and that’s all that matters right?”

She was right. I would do anything to make sure Yui lives. Her condition was ruled terminal, but inside this loop, I can be with her forever. No one in the world mattered more to me than her.

“Hold onto this. Guard it with your life.” Mary pleads to me.

“But what about you Mary? How can you remember if I possess this?”

“Don’t worry about me. I have a plan, and we both need to play our parts in order to save this world. If we succeed, everything will return back to normal.” Mary smiles eerily. “We need to do something…unforgiveable.”

I am not sure if Mary completely trusted me. She probably was aware that I could leak all this information to Kaz at any point. But she knew I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t risk my sister’s life like that.

Mary Kaneko has me in the palm of her hand.

Mary and I were together. Together we will stop Kaz and transfer student from destroying this place. Maybe one day they will understand there is no escaping this place. We’d be with the people we love, and that’s all that matters. Maybe I could convince him to stop. I'll confirm what Mary has told me. I was his best friend; surely he would listen to me? Knowing my knucklehead partner in crime, he was probably too stubborn to back down now.

I’m sorry Kaz.