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I am a Spy
You can't stick a King Size in here

You can't stick a King Size in here

Barra da Tijuca, Rio de Janeiro

The two of them went to the terrace of Lake, to do some thinking and to hang around. Vini knew that if Galo Doido was involved in Belgium's disappearance, he would give Vini some kind of hint, because this was personal. It had nothing more to do with drug trafficking and the war in town. Crazy Rooster wanted to hit Vini in order to harm him. And it didn't take long for his theory to be confirmed, because soon his cell phone started ringing.

- What?

- Vini?

- Who's the one calling?

- You know who this is.

And he really did.

- What do you want, Crazy Rooster?

- Basically, stay out of my way.

- Or what?

- Very brave for someone who has never left his own condo.

- Crazy Rooster, you don't know me. But I know exactly your type. If you think you're going to intimidate me, I'm sorry, it's not going to happen. You want to threaten me? Fine, fine. But leave Belgium out of it.

- She's actually quite cute.

- I'm warning you, motherfucker! I have a gun and I can pull the trigger on your fucking neck before you kill me.

Threatening a dangerous drug dealer. What could possibly go wrong?

- We can make a deal. - Crazy Rooster suggested, very calmly. - One life for another. You show up here and I'll give your friend back... In one piece.

Vini's eyes widened and he looked at Enzo, who didn't say a word.

- That sounds good. I accept. But I don't want you to touch her, you hear me?

- Deal.

- Tomorrow, one o'clock. Be at the address. We'll make the exchange. And no cops and no bullshit. No tricks.

- No need to sweat it.

Vini hung up the phone and faced Enzo.

- Shit. We need to talk to Agent Silva.

- Have you lost your fucking mind? - Silva was nuts - Surrendering yourself to a dangerous drug dealer without any help from anyone?

- Silva, we had no other option. He was going to kill her.

- How are you sure he won't kill her anyway? He's a shitty hole, Vini! He can risk himself like that.

- So, what is the solution? Not to show up and wait for my girlfriend's body to appear on TV?

- I'm not saying that we won't rescue her, Vini. I'm saying we need to be careful.

- Oh, please. Cautiousness has never gotten anyone anywhere.

- What is your plan? To come in shooting like The Expendables?

- Of course not. Vini is too dull to be Barney(*). - said Enzo.

- Thanks Enzo.

- No, Enzo is right. If you show up, you will be an easy target. And without any protection? Are you insane?

- I'm not going to let that lunatic have Belgium!

- I know, I know. Until tomorrow, I'll think of a plan. Is that okay?

- Crazy Rooster said no police.

- And we will play his game. No police. Neither me nor my men will get close to the action, but we will be monitoring you the whole time.

- Sure! How hard can it be? - Enzo asked the dangerous question.

On the following fateful day, Vini and Enzo went with Julio, the bus driver, to Rocinha. They didn't give their reason, as usual, but Julio always found it strange that the two got off at that specific stop. But, as always, Julio didn't object. He just stopped his bus and pressed the button to open the doors. Vini got off first, followed by Enzo. It was calm, considering the calamity of the previous days. People no longer seemed to be as fearful of violence as before. It is very true that crime and violence had become commonplace news, which people just accepted. And moved on.

- Vini, I have a bad feeling about this.

- Yeah, me too. But relax. It can't get any worse.

- Worse than turning yourself in to an armed drug dealer for some butt cheeks? Really, it could only get worse if he tore your balls off.

- Stop talking gibberish, Belgium is nothing of the kind. That's the problem with dating women with nothing on their minds and only beauty in sight. You get the wrong idea that they are all like that.

- What is the difference between Belgium and Russia?

- Only one lost the war.

They both laughed. War jokes never lose their punch line.

- But I am serious. If you take away the beauty, the statuesque body, what do you have left?

- What else do you need?

- It's pointless to talk about these things with you.

- I'm not the one who encourages it.

- Just think about what I said. Be with someone you like and not only because of outside beauty.

- Outside beauty? Who the hell are you? A used car salesman?

On his way up the Estrada da Gávea on foot again, Vini felt a chill. He looked around and found nothing out of the ordinary. Follow the plan, follow the plan, Silva's voice began to echo in his mind. Do everything well and soon you will be safe.

- Now what? - Vini waited outside.

No cars were passing in both directions of the street. Then two motorcycles stopped beside Vini.

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- Climb on. - said one of the motorcyclists. - But without him.

- Fine. - Vini confirmed.

Vini gave Enzo one last hug. The two exchanged a few words, in a quick conversation. They didn't have much to say. Just... Stick to the plan.

The bikes took Vini to an area full of double-decker houses. It was almost impossible to pass, but the light Honda motorcycles followed the narrow and trash-filled path all around. Seconds later, one of the motorcycles stopped at a small house with a few windows and a table. Crazy Rooster was wearing a black shirt and a silver cord, a real gangster.

- Well, well, well. - said Vini, getting off the bike. - Look who decided to show up.

- I thought you would not come. - said Crazy Rooster.

- We had a deal. And I'm going to keep it. Where is Belgium?

- She's in her room.

Vini looked around. Crazy Rooster had to be kidding.

- You can't stick a King Size in here. Are you going to tell me there's a bedroom?

- Take a look.

Oh, Vini wouldn't risk turning his back on that guy.

- I'd rather wait.

Crazy Rooster ordered to bring Belgium. And he was right. There was no room. Just stairs leading to nowhere and nothing but dust. Finally Belgium appeared, with some wounds on her knees. She probably fought against her kidnappers, but lost in strength. In any case, she was alive and in one piece, as Crazy Rooster had promised. Now only one detail was missing.

- Your turn. - said Crazy Rooster.

- Sure.

He slowly moved closer to the drug dealer's men, who attacked him and put a plastic bag over his head with the intention of suffocating him.

- Vini! Vini! - Belgium shouted.

- Get this cunt out of here! - said Crazy Rooster.

One of the men grabbed Belgium and dragged her out of the house, while a Land Rover pulled up on Estrada da Gávea to meet them.

- Go! Go! Go! You motherfucker! - Crazy Rooster sat in the passenger seat and made hand gestures to the driver to speed up.

The Land Rover screeched on its way up the Estrada da Gávea. Crazy Rooster noticed a certain silence from his hostage. And then the magic happened. The hostage began to pull the skin from his face, deforming himself. To everyone's surprise, Vini was not really Vini, but a completely random person with his same biotype using a mask based on a 3D scan, just like Ethan Hunt used on Mission Impossible. Stick to the plan, reminded Vini.

- What the fuck is all this? - Crazy Rooster became infuriated.

- It's called a change of plan. - said the person, who removed a small button from under his shirt.

A huge noise made the Land Rover's windows shatter, followed by heavy smoke. The driver lost control and hit a lamppost, which fell backwards onto the ceiling of one of the houses below. Enzo, Vini and Silva rushed to get close to the vehicle. The driver got out and was soon killed by Enzo, who pulled the trigger twice on his Beretta. In the back seat, Vini and Silva spent only one bullet from their Taurus G2C pistols. But as it turned out, somebody remained unaccounted for.

- Where the fuck is Crazy Rooster?

Suddenly, Vini saw a dark figure passing through the trees.

- Right there! - shouted Silva, getting ready to shoot.

- No! - Enzo stepped in front. - Don't do it. Let Enzo bury the coffin.

Vini chased after Crazy Rooster. The two of them started to run over the roofs of the houses, down the hill. Vini had trouble jumping off the rooftops because of the knee injury. Yes, he didn't think about it too long before he followed behind the drug dealer. Still, he kept going, despite the discomfort.

- Come back here, you son of a bitch! - shouted Vini.

If Crazy Rooster made it past three more rows of houses, he would be out in the street and gone for good. Enzo and Silva wouldn't be able to catch him up anymore. So he had an insane plan. He got as close as he could and hopped down. He imitated Enzo, a real movie stuntman or simply Tom Cruise. Crazy Rooster was not expecting it, but Vini landed on his back. The weight of the two of them made the roof collapse completely. Vini tried to get up quickly, but he was hit in the ribs with a kick. Crazy Rooster continued the assaults non-stop, while Vini dragged himself near the sink of the house they broke into. He managed to hit his opponent in the face with a switchblade, who stumbled backwards, but soon recovered. Vini didn't know much about fighting, but the common understanding was that if you take a few hits, you can beat anyone. But the situation wasn't going so well for Vini. Crazy Rooster knocked him down again. Vini fell on the stove table and lay on the floor, bleeding on his head and lip.

- You're a piece of shit, you know that?

Perhaps, but Vini was a nice guy.

Crazy Rooster continued to kick him and hit him in the face, Vini had almost no strength left to fight. He felt weak and was about to give up. As he looked to the side, he noticed several shards of glass lying on the ground. This would be a unique opportunity. He picked one of these up and stuck it in Crazy Rooster's leg, who screamed in pain.

- Son of a bitch!

- Time to die, you fucker!

Vini took the heaviest object he could find and slammed Crazy Rooster in the face with all the remaining strength of his body. The trafficker fell backwards. But Vini never stopped. Anger consumed him.

- Die tight, motherfucker!

Once again he took a huge piece of glass and cut Crazy Rooster's throat, throwing his body down the hill. A bus failed to brake and ran over the corpse. A pool of blood mixed with crushed human body parts stained the asphalt and created a bloody mess. Silva's men went up the street, their cars were blocked to prevent traffic.

- Now it's up to us. - Silva said to Enzo.

- I don't think so. - Enzo reloaded his gun. - We started, we'll finish.

(*) Barney is the character of Sylvester Stallone in The Expendables