The Great Picnic Panic - Part Two

May 30th, 2011.

Morning of the Great Picnic Panic

"Okay, so first thing's first," Taylor said as she walked in front of her friends like one of those people in front of a walking band. She contemplated getting one of those twirly sticks, but she'd probably just fudge it up.

Behind her, the Simurgh floated along a few feet in the air, looking around her as though unused to being on ground level. Leviathan came in the rear of their little procession, making surprisingly little noise as he dipped under electrical wires and around streetlamps. "What we need," Taylor continued. "Are things to set up a picnic. Last time was alright, but it was only two people... sorry Levi, I mean three people, but only two of them were eating. We'll probably have quite a few important people coming over, and we'll need to take care of them."

{Affirmative.}

[Affirmative.]

"Yeah. This time we'll have even more guests. So what do you guys think we'll need to make this the awesomest picnic ever?"

{Unit-02 suggests large quantities of liquids.}

"O-kay," Taylor said. "Uh, I think you meant something to drink, right? Yeah, we'll need drinks. But not alcohol because most of us are too young for that. So, uh, yeah, drinks, that's good."

The Simurgh pressed a hand to her face. [Exasperation.]

"Well, if you know so much more about it what would you suggest?" Taylor asked. She waited at an intersection to cross, but the car that had moments ago seemed as if it was going to cut her off stopped, the driver within staring at her friends with wide eyes. She took that as a sign that she could go.

[Suggestion. Invite additional organic acquaintances. Invite inorganic acquaintance, 'Dragon.' Acquire edible foodstuffs.]

"Oh, Dragon! You're right. And yeah, we need food. Uh, I don't know if I have enough at home to feed everyone though." Taylor kept walking. She felt like skipping actually, but there were so many people looking at her that it might have been a little embarrassing.

[Suggestion. Acquire foodstuffs via direct purchase.]

Taylor winced. "I, uh, don't really have much money.

{Unit-02 suggests taking foodstuffs by force. Genocide protocols ready.}

"What? Just kill everyone in a supermarket and run? You know, they might trace that back to us," she pointed out. There was a man walking nearby who jumped out of her way and almost fainted when what she said registered.

{Unit-02 capable of Terminating Organics while making it look like Natural Causes. Instant Dehydration is a Natural Cause of Termination Amongst Organics.}

"Hmm, no, better not. Thanks for the, uh, idea though," she said. "We want people to be less afraid. Unless they're our enemies, in which case more afraid would probably be better, I suppose."

[Smug. Have Currency.]

"What?" Taylor stopped mid-step and turned to face the Simurgh. "Where? When did you get it? For that matter, where are you hiding it?"

[Correction. Currency not in vicinity. Targets of Termination yesterday subjects of Bounty. Suggestion. Collect Bounty Owned.]

Taylor cast her mind back to yesterday and the fights they'd sorta been in. The Simurgh had killed that Siberian person by making her pop. And she had sung Shatterbird to death. The Slaughterhouse Nine were rather infamous and she trusted the Simurgh when she said that they had bounties. She shrugged. "Sounds as good as any idea I had."

***

Timothy was doing well. Oh, sure, that little kerfuffle last week had been... terrifying, but when it ended he had gotten a pat on the back from Legend--Legend!--and someone must have dropped a good word in somewhere because now he wasn't an intern anymore but a full-time employee of the ENE branch of the PRT.

It felt really good to finally be moving up in the world. It was this indescribable feeling of accomplishment that made him want more.

That's why he'd agreed to take a shift at the reception desk on Monday morning. It was the quietest time of the week, so it was perfect for him to gain a bit of experience on the job.

He was just zoning out, thinking of Jenifer the girl who was usually taking care of reception, when the doors at the far end of the lobby opened. He sat straighter, blinking back to full alertness when he recognized the cape stepping in.

Queen Administrator in all of her tasseled glory paused at the door. Timothy plastered an almost-genuine smile on and nodded at the girl. He didn't like her, per-se, but she hadn't caused too much trouble beyond that fiasco with the tsunami the other day and she'd been playing nice ever since.

That, and there were about a half dozen Troopers stationed all over the room.

He was also introduced to the Button. Turrets and other nasty traps were hidden in the ceiling and walls. He could summon with a press of the Button.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

So, her pet Endbringer was probably waiting outside while its master came in for something. He'd help her along, be as polite and as nice as possible, and soon enough he'd get a nice raise out of it. And if she did something weird or dangerous, he'd press the Button.

The floor to ceiling window next to the doors began to vibrate, the screws all around it spinning so fast that they smoked before the entire window popped out of the wall with a little 'plok' sound and floated off to one side. The Simurgh flew in, wearing a dress and a fedora.

He pressed the Button.

Nothing happened.

"Oh, hey, you're the same reception person as last time! Well, I guess you do work here and all," Queen Administrator said as she flounced over.

He didn't even know girls could actually flounce outside of novels. But here she was, smile visible in the shadows cast by her hood. The Simurgh floated up and behind her, taking advantage of the high ceiling in the lobby area. The Endbringer smiled.

One of the troopers fainted.

Timothy wanted to faint too. "How, how can I help you," he squeaked.

"Oh, right. Um, I'm here to collect a bounty. Well, actually, she's the one who's here to collect, but you guys can't hear her speaking in the back of your heads like I can and I don't think she can sing her request to you without the whole explodey brain thing, so yeah, I'm here to collect a bounty on behalf of the Simurgh." Queen Administrator's smile was a little sheepish, as if she knew that she had rambled a bit and was kind of embarrassed about it.

It was almost cute. Like a little girl that was trying to act like an adult. The Simurgh's smile grew into a smirk and any thought of that sort died a horrible death. 'O-okay!" he said.

There was a protocol for this sort of thing, he knew. A few clicks later while Queen Administrator bounced on the balls of her feet, and he found it. It was pretty simple. Make sure the claim was verified, then make the cape wait as long as possible, try to subtly encourage them to join up, then, if that failed, ask for banking information so that the money could be transferred over within the next thirty business days.

"Wh-which bounties, exactly?" he asked Queen Administrator. Maybe he's just focused on her he could pretend that the Simurgh wasn't right there. He really, really hoped that one of the troopers had called this one in.

"Uh, right. Silly me, I forgot that bit." She laughed and he joined in though for the life of him he didn't know why. "The Siberian and Shatterbird. Oh, and Hatchet Face. And Skidmark and Squealer if they had bounties."

Timothy parsed that for a few seconds. "F-from the Slaughterhouse Nine?" he asked.

He had the impression that under the hood, Queen Administrator had just blinked. "Are there any other capes with the same name?"

"N-no, no, uh, let me just... yeah." He bent back over his console and brought up the relevant files. It was his turn to blink. That was a lot of zeroes. In fact, all the Slaughterhouse bounties were pretty hefty. None of them had been confirmed dead but, well, he wasn't going to argue that Queen Administrator didn't have the firepower to pull it off.

"Um, no bounty on Skidmark and Squealer, I'm afraid. Um, that means that killing them was, uh, illegal." With a quick bit of reading he discovered, much to his dismay, that he now had to inform Queen Administrator that she could, technically, be placed under arrest once she collected the bounty and left the vicinity of the headquarters.

Queen Administrator stiffened at that. "I didn't do it," she said way too quickly for anyone to believe her.

He decided not to argue when the Simurgh nodded behind her. "I-I yes. Okay. Um." He looked at the instructions. The next part of the protocol was basically to stall until a recruiter came down to talk to the cape. He decided to skip that bit. "Do you have your banking information with you?"

"Oh, cheese and crackers. I didn't think of that." She looked up and over her shoulder at the Simurgh. "Do you have one?" The Simurgh didn't move in any noticeable way, but that seemed enough for Queen Administrator who turned back around. "She doesn't. Can we take it in cash?"

There were no protocols for that. Also, the sum he was looking at was in the millions and he doubted there was that much laying around. "Um."

"Okay, so, how about you just give me what you have on hand, and we'll come back later for the rest? Like, in a few days or something? It's mostly to buy sandwiches and stuff for a picnic."

Timothy closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath through his mouth and out his nose. "I've got a few twenties on me," he finally said.

***