The music, set at maximum volume, was in a heated debate with Serena. The music argued she was a good mother who tried her best, and like all humans, failed sometimes. But she argued otherwise: she had no idea what she was doing.
She brought up her first piece of evidence, Wei Xiang. What would he say about this? ‘How could you do this? You’re acting like your own parents. Didn’t I already tell you to get help, or go to therapy? And you wonder why Alicia hates you? You’re dooming Alicia to end up like you if you keep this up!’
The music had no rebuttal to this. Serena won the debate. She promised herself to keep this from him, to spare him from disappointment, and herself from his nagging.
Instead, she mixed batter like her life depended on it, as if it was a rubber that could erase it all away if she rubbed hard enough. Her hands, still in clenched fists, stung. Her ears, still enduring deafening volumes of sound, rang. Her mind, still racing with a million thoughts, tightened.
It would take a few weeks for Alicia’s bruises to heal, and forever for Serena’s. Blood only clotted broken skin, not broken hearts.
It had been ten minutes, but the trance hadn’t arrived. She stared closer, and mixed faster, erased harder. She added an egg in it, as if that made a difference. She watched the yolk swirl around the batter before it disappeared into the abyss.
But the world was still here.
The song ended and looped again. The batter sat in the oven. Nothing left for her hands to do. She buried herself with pillows on the couch, trying to escape via sleep, and for a moment, considered using it to suffocate herself.
When she got up, she realised she had fallen asleep. The sky was black, the front door was open (did she forget to lock it?), and a luggage bag sat beside it. Who was going on holiday?
Then it hit her.
She had never woken up faster. She ran to it and saw Alicia cowering behind, tying her shoelaces. Before the girl could tie the last knot, Serena shut the door on her.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Fuck you.”
Despite being a head shorter, Alicia towered over her. “I’m going to fetch Dad from the airport! And he will tell me the true story.”
“Alicia! How are you so stupid? Don’t you know you sent money to a scammer?”
“I verified his identity. How would a scammer know my Chinese name?”
“Maybe he did a background check on you, or on me! It’s not like you’re hiding it!”
“I didn’t put it in my profile when I made my account.”
“So? He could’ve got your name from a million other places! Your other accounts? Your school? Or even on my accounts? And knowing your Chinese name proves nothing!”
Alicia lost her words, and resorted to screaming until she found them again. She headed for the door.
Serena dragged her back in, “Please. Don’t do this! You promised you will never end up like me. Alicia, if you do this—you will regret it! This will stick to you for the rest of your life! Trust me! Don’t be so stupid!”
“No! I don’t trust you, or anything you say! You lie about everything! And- and I feel terrible whenever I’m with you. You make me feel like there’s always something wrong with me! And even when I’m behaving and listening to what you say, I still feel bad. In fact, I feel even worse! But you don’t care how I feel! You only want me to behave!” She took a moment to catch her breath.
“I don’t want to behave anymore. I’m too lazy for that.”
“What?”
Alicia struck her knees and sent her to the floor.. “And there is nothing wrong with me! I have autism, and that means I’m different. In a good way! Mm!”
Alicia stormed out and never looked back.
But she won’t let her. She propped herself up and limped right after her. The lift closed its doors on her, leaving her with an impossible dilemma: wait for the next one? Or take the stairs?
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She took the stairs.
Her legs squeezed themselves dry of energy like wet towels, using up all they had to reach the first floor. Despite the empty tank, she still continued brisk-walking (it was all she could manage) after Alicia. She only needed to search the nearby train and bus stop. Alicia couldn’t get anywhere without public transport.
But she couldn’t check both ends of her neighbourhood at once.
She called for help. “Code red.” He answered.
While waiting, she checked the bus stop. No Alicia. Maybe she already took the bus? She speed-read the board and all the stations all the buses stopped like a memory champion read a deck of cards, and concluded… nothing. This information was useless to her.
“ALICIA!” She screamed into the sky, and her legs went.
They snapped like toothpicks, sending her to the bench. She fought through it, and stood up again. Grave mistake. They snapped harder, then went invalid. Now, only her ankles were left to support her, and they inevitably failed. One twisted to the left, and toppled her over like a Jenga tower. The blocks crashed against the side-walk.
Wei Xiang arrived far too late. The train or bus Alicia was waiting for would’ve been long gone by now. Still, they checked the train station, just in case. No Alicia.
“Where do you think Alicia could’ve gone?” Wei Xiang asked, as they rushed back to the car.
She broke her own promise and told him of the scammer and Alicia’s stupidity. It only gave him a million questions she couldn’t bring herself to answer.
If not for Alicia, he would’ve kept pushing until she answered all of them. They recruited Carrie’s help with a quick detour to his place and headed off to the airport.
They did the same song and dance at the airport: running down every alley. Asking every person she met. Screaming Alicia’s name like a lunatic.
A nearby trolley bumped her feet, and she rammed it back with the other trolleys. But this trolley refused to budge. The wheels refused to roll. It would rather sit here and be a nuisance to everyone else, because it thought itself to be above them. Like an emperor that expected everyone to make way and kneel whenever he walked. Who did this trolley think it was?
“Just move!” She scolded the trolley and resorted to yanking it. This was less effective and only poured salt on her aching muscles. Then she tried beating it into submission, which only hurt her. She was losing… to a trolley. It left her screaming.
At last, a police officer on patrol came to her rescue. He parked the trolley with ease. Of course, the trolley only moved when it wasn’t her pushing it.
He gestured to the handle, and its handy infographic that explained how it was used. Press down to move the trolley. Release to brake. Do not push the trolley whilst braked.
“Why not!” She barked.
“It helps the trolley to brake more easily, especially when carrying heavy luggage. You may damage it if you continue to use it like this. I would be happy to help push the trolley for you. Which gate are you heading to?”
“No, thanks.” The crowd stared at her, then shook their heads to themselves and ticked the ‘Public Nuisance’ box off their list of inconveniences they’d encounter at the airport. She cowered back to Wei Xiang and Carrie.
No Alicia.
It was the couple who had to lead her back to the car, drive her to the police station, and make the report on her behalf. They reheated leftover wonton noodles to ensure she had dinner and offered her the guest room for the night.
They set the air-conditioner, told her where the restroom was, offered a glass of water by the nightstand, and wished her good night. Well, Carrie did; Wei Xiang still wanted to cry.
People at their age processed the present by recounting the past. On the day itself, he was asleep when the birth happened. He woke up hours later, after Alicia had already opened her eyes, defined Serena as home, and made herself cosy in her little blanket.
He went back to sleep after introducing himself and feeling her tiny cheeks.
Serena stayed up all night teaching Alicia about the outside world. It was filled with heartaches, betrayals, and injustices that would drive anyone insane. But as long as they were together, they could survive it all. No one else and nothing else mattered, only they did.
It was just them in this world. It will always be just them in this world.
But now it was just her, crashing at her friend’s place like her uni days. And it was just her, in the outside world, all alone. Alicia’s entire life flashed before their eyes like a short film, emphasizing that which had and hadn’t changed about her. The chubby cheeks, girly screaming, and hand-flapping never changed. The ambitions to be an astronaut, obsession with Neptune (she learned that it rained diamonds there), and the dutiful daughter in her did.
The film was inconclusive and left them to craft the ending themselves. The ones Serena crafted were morbid and depressing. Alicia died of hunger, thirst, overdose, misery. Alicia died from a gang of junkies, a car accident, the scammer, Fate.
It broke them.
“I still don’t understand.” Wei Xiang said, “Why would Alicia do something so extreme? What happened?”
Serena looked away, which gave her away.
He saw right through it, and returned to his million questions. “So you said she met this scammer that pretended to be him, and then what? How did you find out about it? Did you look through her phone again?”
“No! In fact, she even stole it back, thinking I didn’t notice.”
“Then? What happened next?”
She waffled, which only grew his curiosity in the bad way. He asked again with a tone colder than the air-conditioner and stressed it could help them find Alicia.
She told him everything, from the cold war to the caning, all for Alicia’s sake, and watched as his face searched for a reaction, which was what she predicted: disappointment.
Blood did not clot broken hearts, but shame did.
Serena could feel it with every pulse that followed that look he gave her. The look that inspired him to stage the intervention and drag her to rehab, kicking and screaming. The look that got him to search her room like a detective for any hidden product every week she was there.
She predicted he was already planning his second intervention, and was proven right the next morning. After a second search of the airport, he brought her to the therapist he’d been nagging at her to call, and urged her to take it seriously.
There was no kicking and screaming this time. Only silence.