Vinn stood in the kitchen, cutting up some chicken strips for a marinade, when there was a soft knock on the door. Nobody else was up yet, so he answered the door.
“Someone get a delivery package?” he asked the carrier, noticing the uniform and hat.
“Not exactly. But I do have an offer you might like to hear about.” She said.
“Not interested in any jobs or religions.” He said, holding his arm across the doorway as she tried to step inside.
“Security protocol. Nobody enters the house. Actually, how did you get past the walkway?”
“Congratulations, Vinn, you passed the test, let’s go for a ride.” She said in an odd manner.
“The hell are you talking…” he said, noticing a hint of purple peaking from her wide brimmed hat. He crouched down, connecting the dots between the height, build and that familiar hair color. He pulled the hat off to see a familiar face, her hair wound into a pair of purple and black side buns. “Nicole?” he asked.
“Not quite, follow me. Quickly, Obi-Vinn, you’re my only hope.” She dramatically said in someone else’s voice.
“Wh-You were in the basement sleeping.” he stammered.
"Vinn, get her your hairy ass out here before I drag you by the balls.” She snipped, in a shockingly deep voice.
“Yes Ma’am?” he said, following her to the delivery truck as she pushed him in and it took off.
“Okay, I’m so confused, are you evil Nicole from the ship or is that evil Nicole in the mansion and there’s an even eviler Nicole?"
“Oh, I’m by far the evilest of all.” She smiled, her eyes glowing a bright blue. She paused for effect and then got impatient. “I’m Gizzy in a fake Nicole drone. Sorry, I usually do this kinda shit with Jack, but he’s occupied, and you don’t have 4th wall knowledge of the first book.”
“What book? You do stuff with Jack in a robot body that looks like Nicole, what is happening, was I drugged?” Vinn asked.
“I’m gonna start over. I can see I’m working with limited cranial power here. I’m Gizzy, I’m Osirian, so I have like 65 biomech bodies I pilot around when I wanna go undercover and this one requires a Nicole without risking an actual Nicole, because you need your hand held for this sorta work…clearly. I have a job to do that requires a Delmarian, and you’re the only one I can trust.”
“I really don’t even trust you.”
“Vinn, I’m the one who put a sniper on your side, during the Fupar match, give me some credit here" Gizzycole snipped.
“You also cloned my wife, and apparently made a…wife drone now?”
“Printed that this morning just for this. Firstly your wife signed off on the cloning thing, I just did standard life insurance protocol and some shit went wrong, and that’s exactly why we’re doing this. Secondly, this is a synthetic body with a computer brain run by me, it’s basically a doll, not a third clone, don't overreact. Come on Vinn, I brought you breakfast and did my hair all fancy for a 1-line Star Wars bit, that was entirely for the audience, and look, I made you your own special assassin calling card, just like Jack." She said, opening the package and there was a very large doughnut and a playing card, a joker with a very cartoonish Delmarian figure on it.
“Yea thanks, the joker of hearts…why are the hearts upside down?" Vinn asked
“Those are little asses. I was gonna do the Jack of asses, but we have a Jack of hearts and that could be confusing. We can modify that later.”
“Wait, hold up. You’re taking me to kill someone?” He said looking nervous. “With my drone wife?”
“Vinn, shut your snout and pay attention. The reason your wife’s clone was activated and released to begin with, was because some dickhole was going to buy her as medical research.”
“…YOU did that too.” He noted. She pondered the technicality.
“Yea but with consent, and for her benefit, and her price. Technically she just did a job and got paid, this guy wanted a slave clone of your wife to keep in a tank, alive and awake to experiment on. I think you should be more pissed off at him than me.”
“And you want me to kill him…okay I’ll do it.”
“Actually I wanted you to just play a role with me to lure him into a trap, but Vinn, agreeing to a kill that easy. I’m proud of you.”
“This guy tried to kidnap my wife as a slave, and now there’s 2 of Nicole and one is banging my nemesis as a result of it. The only part about killing him I feel hesitant about is trusting that you’re not tricking me somewhere along the line.” Vinn skepticated.
“Well he’s gonna get his come-uppins don’t you fret, but you’re not killing anyone.”
“Then what am I doing?”
“You’re selling your wife into slavery. You haven’t touched your doughnut, it’s probably cold now.”
“I see why Jack looks so emotionally drained every time you call him.”
“Eat the damn doughnut, it’s high protein, high caffeine and I paid 23 bucks for it in case you missed breakfast. I don’t need you hungry and distracted for this. If you get too freaked out I’ll make you eat the Xanax doughnut, and it’s not very tasty. Now listen carefully because I’m only explaining this once and off camera so it’s more dramatic later.” She said with a dramatic scene fade.
Dee and Evil Nicole strolled downtown as the morning hustle and bustle just began building up.
“Thanks for agreeing to go with me.” Nicole smiled. “This buddy system for security is a bit stressful, but we haven’t had time to hang out lately. How are things?” she asked.
“Same as usual, drama, weird alien shit, cyborgs, wearing bunny ears and a tail in a furry bikini for internet donations.”
“Isn’t that a little culturally offensive?”
“Well after someone married one, the interspecies online community here has been booming and the Delmarians seem to tip really well for that getup so, I’m cashing in on your life choices. The comment sections are so much weirder now. So where we headed?” Dee asked.
“The bank.”
“You short on credits or something, I got Bunny fetish tip money on me. Like a lot.”
“Well, with the other Nicole wanting ten percent of my money, I figured the best thing to do would be to get it out in cash in a big purse with a bank balance receipt, so if they get shitty about it, I have proof of it, and I can just flash the money right there, and they might be less greedy.”
“Oh that’s smart, a big bag of money does get people motivated more than promises. You clever bitch.” Dee grinned.
“I know. Don’t tell Vinn or anyone, I don’t want them thinking I’m doing anything risky. You know everyone treats me like I’m a child, like I can't handle myself, but with you with me, we got this covered.”
“Stun baton, bear mace and a silver plated knife I got online.” Dee winked.
“That’s my girl. See who needs the boys, we can handle ourselves.” She smirked, walking into the bank. They approached the desk as a nice, friendly lizard lady in a suit greeted them.
“Welcome to Sixth-First Delmar Bank. Hi, Nicole, was it? Haven’t seen you in months. Would you like to make another large deposit?”
“No Withdraw, actually. I need ten percent of my money in cash.” Nicole smiled.
“Any withdraw over ten thousand credits requires some security protocols, I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.”
“Fingerprint here, now there’s going to a little poke for the blood sample, I’m sorry, but it’s required.” She said, as a lab tech rolled up a cart with the syringe. She nervously held out her arm. He took a small vial sample and scanned it.
“Now legally for privacy reasons you have to witness the blood draw, and then the sample is scanned and given back to you to dispose of. We are not allowed to keep blood or the instruments used to draw them. Strange safety laws I know.”
“That’s fine. I prefer to keep my blood with me anyway.” she said, darkly.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“Okay your scan looks fine, Nicole Marie Gu…well you know your last name there’s no need to attempt that. Your online verification was sent last night, that saves us the wait time. Retinal scan.” She said, bleeping the light over her eyes. “Both sets? That’s an odd personal note on file” the clerk noted. Nicole dilated, her eyes black. “Oh, that’s so cool. Is it a mod?”
“Genetic family trait. Little alien in all of us.”
“That’s so cool. Well, that about does it, I just need the name of your first pet and your verification password.”
“Scraggles, and the password is…Lovepuppy33?” she whispered.
“That’s adorable, but actually you had that changed 2 days ago. Do you remember your new password.” She smiled. Nicole felt a slight tingle of alarm.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so stupid, Dee. I forgot how to spell my new password.”
She whispered in her year, and Nicole smiled with an annoyed look.She turned, still smiling but looking dead inside as she returned to the clerk.
“Password is...'Fuck off you evil asshole 125' no spaces, all lower case." She said, suppressing her feelings.
“Sounds like you had a little rough weekend, I hope you two get better. But that checks out. We’ll bring your money right away.” She smiled, leaning discreetly over to whisper something. “I’ve been there too honey, was he messing with another woman?”
“Amazingly, yes, you got it right on the dot.”
“Men…ugh. Can’t trust anyone but yourself these days.”
“Well… I may not even go that far.” She smiled.
Vinn nervously drummed his fingers on his hand as they walked the street.
“I’ve never worn a wire before.” He whispered to Gizzy.
“Well, I want unaltered physical recording and organic memory scans, so this is admissible in court. Osirian digital memory is too easily altered to count as proof, and we need documentation. So I’m not your wife, I’m your hostage, don’t have a big furry brain fart and forget and get cuddly and blow this. Don’t act like a candy ass. Get it out of your mind that I look like Nicole and treat me like a hostage.”
“But if this works, then how do you get away?”
“Vinn, I may look human, or whatever the shit Nicole is now, but this is synthetic Osirian flesh and endoskeleton. Even in this tiny body, I could rip through you like tinfoil. I know you’re a nice guy and terrible for this mission, but you need to nut-up and grow some if you wanna get the bastard that ruined your wife’s life. Everything happening now is the fault of this shithead or the dead one I’m getting pointed at for the murder, or both. But this guy was going to buy your wife and torture her for profits. Either way, this is priority. Hit me."
“What?”Vinn cringed.
“Hit me in the face, get used to it. Don’t give me that can’t hit a girl garbage, I’m Osirian. Gender means nothing, and size doesn’t matter.” She said, placing her back to the brick wall. “Hit me, like you mean it.” He looked very upset and hesitant. “Vinn I will kick you in the nuts in 5 seconds if you don’t.” she added, and he gave her a moderated jab. “Bitch please, my wife slaps my ass harder than that. You want the guy who’s responsible for a Nicole out there who’s fuckin your nemesis instead of you, and probably depressed and crying over it because she lost everything and almost got sold into slavery as a damn high school science project frog for dissection. Yea, that’s the look. Get mad, swing like he’s me.” She finished, her head bouncing off the brick wall and sending bits of brick flying as he recoiled and shook his hand.
“Oh my god, what is your face made of?”
“See?” she casually shrugged.
“I think I broke a knuckle. The actual wall would have been softer. Oh, that sucks.” He complained.
“Yea, so stop worry about me, and make it look convincing. Handcuffs. And just a hint, you may wanna get used to this part, it might end up being something you do more often than you think.”
“What does that mean?”
“Spoilers, punkin.” Okay, there’s the buyer. Be the bastard, Vinn.”
“Ah, I was wondering when you’d finally bring the girl. Not exactly in a tank as planned.” Said the gray Delmarian, carrying the briefcase.
“Well, I’m not the guy you made the deal with, I’m the guy that killed his fat ass and changed the deal. You should be thanking me, I cut 30 percent off the price to get rid of this little bitch.”
“And how do I know she’s really this special girl and not some street human you grabbed. You could be selling her to ten different buyers and just, giving them humans that look like her."
“Check the photos, inspect her yourself.” He said jabbing her in the arm with a syringe, already full of Nicole’s blood, and pretending to draw it. “Scan the sample”
Mr. Grey placed the vial in a small handheld device, running a laser over it, and comparing her to the pictures.
“Well, I’ll be damned. That’s 1.6 percent totally unknown DNA, nothing in the books. She’s real. And a shame too, she’s cute for a human.” he said as Vinn stifled his rage.
“So you’re satisfied with the sale and the product, so humor me on a few things. Why is she such an expensive little human? Why is she so much more important than any other human you could buy for practically nothing?”
“Oh, that’s a lot of things you don’t need to know.”
“I bet you’re pissed off at me for killing Gandalf, no more repeat business.”
“Fuck that fat piece of council shit, I got what I wanted, his other customers might be gunning for you, but we had a deal, just this girl. I don’t smuggle humans for the fun of it, or for the sex trade, this is for the advancement of science and profit. She’s gonna make a lot of people very happy, lotta samples even in a scrawny girl like her, especially if she regenerates as fast as I hear. Don’t worry, sweetie, you’ll be so sedated you won't even know.” he promised Gizzy.
You wouldn’t happen to have the names of any other buyers who might want my business?”
“Shit, and get myself stabbed in the back? That’s your problem. Here’s your money.” Count it, check it. The rest is in a savings account on outpost Moon 42.”
Vinn opened the briefcase and almost shit when he saw the numbers on the screen.
“Yea, that will due. And if you need another clone of her, let me know. I can get you as many as you want, at a discount. Now that the middle man is eliminated.
“No need. I got my hands on the cloning tank thanks to our poor deceased friend. It’s a good thing you stabbed him AFTER I got that, or we would have some problems. Always buy the freezer before you buy the meat for it.” he smirked.
“Well, enjoy your steak before it thaws.” Vinn muttered.
“You know you’re either insane or got some balls taking out a council member for a little of the payoff. Especially the big boy. Even in his age, he would have to be a hell of a fighter. You’re not as big as I assumed.”
“Why do you think I stabbed him in the back?”
“Respect. Enjoy your vacation.” He said, yanking tiny Gizzy-cole along as she pretended to be scared and weak.
Vinn turned and felt the weight of a lot of emotions.
He turned slowly to walk home and ran directly into another fake Nicole with glowing blue eyes.
"The fuck!?" he yipped.
“Quit pouting numb nuts.” She smirked, poking his belly.
“You scared the shit out of me. How did you get back so fast, they just took off!”
“It’s a second body, Rudolf the dumbass reindeer.
“How many Nicoles are there?” he whined.
“...TWO… STILL 2! It’s a fake body.”
“Why do you have 2 fake ones?”
“In case he named another buyer, we could hit both the same night before anyone got tipped off. Think McFly, think! Anyway it doesn’t matter, Gandalf was the seller, we got the buyer, without him, there’s no further clients, and he’s taking me right to the stolen cloning tank. Case closed, for the most part.”
“So you gonna call the cops and have him arrested?” Vinn asked.
“God no, that human trafficking assclown stole my tech, worked with my enemy, and tried to abduct one of my favorite humans. I’m gonna shred his ass like pulled pork, steal back my stuff, set the building on fire and watch it burn. Probably play some music, make some smores.”
“What if he has armed guards?”
“Oh I assume he does, he better. I told my wife I’d be out all night. I haven’t had a proper rampage in a long time. I'm annoyed."
“I swear every time there’s a new Nicole, they get scarier and scarier.”
“Oh pipe down, when this is done I’ll remove the Nicole skin from these drones and get new subdermal padding, and they’ll be standard model drones like the other ones on the rack.”
“How many do you have? Of who, and where?”
“I’m everywhere punkin, that’s what makes me so terrifying. I run this town.”
“I don’t know how Jack does this crap, I wanna go home.”
“And you didn't even kill anyone. Don’t forget your money.”
“Wh-…I get to keep the money?”
“Not the 600mill on the lunar bank, that’s evidence. This was just bonus for the job and the mistakes. I'm genuinely sorry, Nicole had to suffer for shit I should have caught before it got too far. I got a lot going on some days. Oh, and I threw in a few little gifts for you in the taxi. The vial is a single-dose 1-hour truth serum, one of Jack’s favorite cocktails. Use that however you want. And a cell phone that dials me in case you need a favor. Use the favor wisely.”
“What do I tell everyone when they ask why I was gone all day and came home with a bunch of money?”
“Fixed a furnace. Construction work after hours really pays well on this moon. Well done agent, Double Aught Buck.” She said, wandering into the darkness and just leaving him there as a taxi rolled up.
He slowly made his way to the house from the taxi, briefcase full of money and spy gear, and a very perplexed expression. He opened the door and Silverback waved him on.
“Oh, hey, did you guys cancel?” he asked.
“What, we who?” Vinn muttered.
“Oh, I assumed you went out earlier with Dee and Vicki. They went to get their hair done before this dinner and a movie thing. You didn’t go with them?”
“Nah, I had my own thing…alone.” He shrugged. Nicole came downstairs all dressed up.
“Vinn! Where were you, I texted you like 5 times. We’re going out to meet with Dee and Vicki for a night out. Have a little fun for a change. Hurry up, you can go with us.”
“You know I’m good. I had a long walk, needed some thinking time, got kinda lost and took a cab back, weird day really. I need a shower and a nap. You guys all have fun.”
“Okay, but we’ll miss you, you and we can do some co-op gaming when we get back if you want. Just some quality time. Oh, Mel’s staying behind too, she didn’t feel like getting out, so maybe you guys can order some food and just hang out.” Nicole smiled.
“Yea cool. See you all when you get back.” He said, still kind of in his own headspace. He went down to his basement couch and peaked around for Melody. Nowhere to be seen. He reached under the couch to hide his briefcase full of money, and he bumped into something solid. Another briefcase full of money.
“What the hell?” he said. Noticing a thumb drive, a folded up hoodie and exactly 1.1 million credits. His left eye twitched a little, as he opened up his own briefcase and checked again… exactly 1.1 million credits.
“uuuuuuh…” he exhaled, feeling like he was having some kind of stroke or possibly a brain tumor. He checked under the hoodie and there was a bank receipt from his and Nicole’s bank. As well as a little heart necklace he gave Nicole as a housewarming gift. He searched the room for more clues, finding a vial in the trash can, a security blood sample. It had Nicole’s name on it. The kind they make you take and dispose of from the bank. He picked up his phone and dialed Nicole.
“Hey honey, I’m getting some food delivered, do we have any cash for a tip?”
“Uh, no I got it with me in my purse, you don’t have any?”
“Nah, forgot to refill it. You sure don’t have like…30 bucks anywhere?”
“I don’t think so, just charge it to the card, they do virtual tips.”
“Yea you’re right. Sorry I bugged you. Have fun Sweetie.” He said hanging up and looking like a man on a mission.
“Nah, Vinn.” He muttered to himself “I didn’t take out ta huge percent of our life savings recently in a briefcase under the couch. Shucky darnit, guess we have no cash on hand at all.”
The bank teller smiled at Vinn as he approached the desk.
“Oh hello, how can I help you?”
“Yea, my wife made a withdrawal the other day, we’d like to put it right back in.”
“Oh did you two make up already?” she asked.
“Yea, it’s fine now, stupid really. Someone told her I was out with another woman, it was just my boss having me fix a furnace. My Buddy who usually does that stuff is out of town on another job. I forgot to tell her I was going. Sometimes you just gotta do a job you don’t wanna do. Weird week. Just go ahead and filler back on up. And she wanted me to change the password…again.” He shrugged.
“Well as a joint account if you provide a retinal scan and verification I can change it to anything you two would like.”
“Change it to Double Aught Buck. All lower case, no spaces.” He said coldly. “And I’d like some of those mints.”