Walking up to the front doors Sophie could already smell the Oh so familiar scent of the hospital, patients roamed the halls as if in a drug-induced daze. Many stared off into space, others talking to no one as they moved up and down the halls like the walking dead. Sophie’s first stop was to Dr. Reagan’s office, she was sure he would want to talk to her first before she was able to see her mother. The doctor’s secretary was a small woman in her late fifties with henna-dyed red hair. On seeing Sophie she smiled “Darling you just keep getting prettier and prettier. Your momma will be so happy to see you; I’ll let the Doctor know you’re here honey.” Sophie smiled, it was hard not to, no matter her mood the woman was pleasant she’d feel awful taking her bad mood out on her. When Dr. Reagan walked out he smiled, “Sophie I’m glad you could come, how are you?” Sophie shrugged, “Busy with work.” Looking her over he gave a knowing laugh “So how long have you gone without sleep?” Sophie laughed “A week maybe, but I’m going home now and I plan on taking some time off.” Grabbing her mother’s chart the doctor started walking and Sophie followed “So what’s she doing now?” Dr. Reagan smiled “You know your mother; she’s under a delusion that she has a man, a lover waiting for her in Paris and she needs to go to him. She keeps asking the nurses for her red leather travel bags and says she needs a spa day if she is to look good on her arrival.” Sophie smiled “How long has she been stuck on this delusion?” Dr. Reagan frowned “About a week now when she tried to escape we had to sedate her but three hours later the orderlies found her trying to hitchhike by the road in her nightgown. She says there’s no use living if she can’t be with him. Gerald is his name, he's some kind of rich oil tycoon of some kind. The night before we notified you she tried to hang herself, almost succeeded too so now we have had to restrain her. At least until this delusion of hers passes, we were hoping seeing you might do just that.” Sophie laughed “Piss her off enough and she just might return to normality?” Dr. Reagan shrugged, “Never know, it could work.” Arriving at the room Sophie entered alone to find her mother awake and looking miserable. “Hi, momma.” Celeste’s eyes squinted as they focused “Firefly is that you?” Sophie smiled as she walked closer to find her mother looking gray and defeated the complete opposite of the woman she once was. “How are you doing?” Her mother laughed “Honey I’m tied to a bed, how the fuck do you think I’m doing?” Sophie laughed “Stupid question I guess, why do you keep trying to get away it’s no use momma.” Celeste looked around to make sure they were alone then sank back against the bed. “Firefly even now my memories are vivid and clear. There was a time hell that every day was a party, everyone loved me, I’d be on a yacht one day and a private plane the next. Never a boring moment, nothing could get in my way.” Celeste paused as she pointed to her head “Yet what made me so great and loved and desired was also a curse that I couldn’t hide from. It was constantly there; it was inevitable; a secret that always came out in the end. You know my mind child I can see the fear in your eyes, the realization that this could be you, for it’s my biggest fear as well.” Sophie wiped the tears from her cheeks “Stop it mother don’t talk like that, please. I can’t hear this right now, it’s only a matter of time before my boyfriend Raymond finds out the truth about me, and then it will be over. I have given up so much to be with him, I have changed my life around to tailor to his needs, denying my own in the process. Yet I know when he sees me for who I really am he will run scared.” Celeste watched her daughter and smiled “My Firefly needs strength and power in a man, this Raymond doesn’t seem to have either. I think it’s about time you go back to worrying about your needs, what of the man of your dreams, the one you spoke of so many times before, have you given up on him?” Sophie shrugged, “He's not so easy to find momma, at least not for me, and I'm pretty sure you need to actually sleep to be able to dream.” Celeste shrugged “Curse or not my Firefly shouldn't have to lie just to keep a man around, he should be thanking his lucky stars you're even giving him the time of day hell you're a Chance woman for Christ sake.” Sophie smiled “Why would you try to hang yourself, momma?” Celeste laughed “Now you know good and well if and when I take my life it will be from jumping off the bell tower, just like my momma did, the hanging thing was just a ploy to get out is all.” Celeste looked around wearing a shady look “Untie me.” Sophie shook her head “No I can’t or I’ll be in here with you.” Celeste glared “I’m your mother damn it, mind my words.” Sophie stepped back “You will have to get past this delusion before Dr. Reagan will untie you, I’m sorry momma.” Celeste made a shrilling noise as she thrashed back and forth screaming “Firefly” over and over as Sophie nearly ran from the room and right into the doctor. “She seemed more nostalgic than delusional if you ask me. But she will definitely try to escape, I’d wait a few more days if I were you.” Dr. Reagan smiled as he handed Sophie a prescription bottle. “Here take these and get some rest Sophie, I’ll call you if there’s any news.” Sophie sighed as she walked out just seeing her mother tied up turning her stomach into knots. Driving back towards the bar all she could think about was what her mother had said, why was she trying to be someone she wasn't just to keep Raymond around, did her dream man exist, could a man really love her for her? Walking back into the bar she found Raymond minus his usual smile. “Sorry, it took so long.” Raymond shrugged as he stood up “You ready to get going?” Sophie smiled “Yeah alright.” After ten minutes of silence, Sophie turned to find Raymond bruiting “What’s with you I was only gone an hour?” Raymond made a disgruntled sound “Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” Sophie’s heart dropped “Find out what?” Raymond turned and lit a cigarette. “That was a mental hospital you went to just now, an insane asylum.” The way he said insane asylum with such disdain made Sophie beyond livid, hell those were fighting words and she wanted to pull over right there. “And this bothers you why?” Raymond looked shocked “For one, you lied and secondly you should have told me you have a crazy person in your family especially one so closely related.” Sophie growled “One, I never lied I just left it out and two it’s none of your business if I have a crazy person in my family. We are not married and are definitely not breeding so what goes on in my family and with my medical records does not concern you. Only an ignorant Neanderthal would discriminate against someone with a mental illness. And next time you talk about my mother with so much disrespect, I will skin you alive understood.” Without another word, Sophie lit a joint and turned up the radio to drown out the uncomfortable silence. After a few hours the comfort level in the rental car eased up a bit, Raymond didn’t mention Sophie’s mother again and Sophie was more than grateful. After having spent two long weeks together both Raymond and Sophie were anxious to get back to their separate houses. Sophie was quick to shower and take a few of the pills Dr. Reagan had prescribed her. After fifteen full hours of sleep, she woke to a pile of mail and a phone full of messages all of which she ignored to sit in the dark and watch old Law and Orders episodes and smoke weed. Might as well enjoy the time when she had it and the time away from Raymond was a much-needed change. The next few months Sophie was busy with all the spring fashion shoots and as usual, was invited to all the parties and fashion shows. Raymond and she were getting along well enough but he seemed to be more critical of her than usual. What he once liked wasn’t cutting it anymore. Her wardrobe wasn’t feminine enough, the way she held herself wasn’t elegant or graceful. His small but to-the-point comments were beginning to turn Sophie crazy. It seemed to Sophie he wanted a new girlfriend; everything he described was the opposite of her and his critiques were becoming hurtful. At the parties, he would go out of his way to flirt with other women right under her nose like punishment. They had always had different interests in bed Sophie was a Submissive in truth but Raymond wanted nothing to do with the Dominatrix lifestyle so Sophie put her desires away and tried to meet his needs. The pain was not her main objective, it was the feeling of being taken care of and letting go but Raymond couldn't grasp the concept. She had already changed so much for him so when he started to act like a jerk in bed it was more than she could handle. Lying there on his back wearing a cocky grin waiting for her to do all the work while he watched. Even going so far as fucking her and coming then waiting until she was about to orgasm then walking away and saying she was taking too long. He even showed up at her house smelling of another woman, Sophie was at her wit's end and ashamed she had let him have so much control over her, that would soon end. She would show him who Firefly was and then she would be done with him. Trying to keep their relationship going was starting to be a chore and Sophie was done. She knew by his silent bruiting on the way home from their friend Hank's party she had pissed him off. “So are you going to talk to me or just pout?” Raymond turned giving her an evil glare, “You embarrassed the fuck out of me, what do you expect? One minute you act as if nothing bothers you and you’re the life of the party and then the next minute you're threatening Kitt with your blade.” Sophie shrugged trying to hide her smile. “She was kissing your neck and rubbing on you like a cat in heat, what did you expect?” Raymond gave her a look of shock.“I expected you to do what you normally do, nothing at all. Hell Sophie, it has never bothered you before. I always assumed by your reaction that it was a turn-on for you as well.” Sophie lit a cigarette and shrugged again. “Not tonight honey, tonight it pissed me off.” Raymond sighed “You seem to have a lot of new parts to your personality that I’m just now finding out about. Not to mention I doubt you and I will be receiving any party invites for a while.” Sophie could feel his eye’s on her “Do I scare you or are you only worried about what your friends think?” Raymond shook his head “Neither I guess, but your choice of wardrobe might, would it hurt to put some color in your attire. I mean you’re a fashion photographer for Christ's sake. Would it kill you to dress more feminine, not that you don’t look sexy in black but a dress once in a while might be nice. I’ve seen your closet Sophie I know you own sexy feminine clothes; you were wearing a hot red slip of a dress when we met or have you forgotten? Go from dangerous to delicate for a change. Not so mysterious and sultry, lighten up a bit. Sophie could tell Raymond had practiced that speech trying to make it sound somewhat encouraging, maybe he realized he had been an asshole and thought taking the more supportive boyfriend route might get him better results. At least he was trying right. Raymond turned and looked out the window. “You’ve been so different lately; it makes me wonder what you’re keeping from me. I can tell your holding back, not just in your actions and words but in bed as well. I wonder if you think I can’t handle you and your desires.” Sophie shook her head in denial “I have always been upfront with you about what gets me off and because of your lack of interest I have put those desires aside and despite them, I feel we take care of each other's needs we have a good sex life. You may feel differently.” Raymond seemed to get even more withdrawn as he looked out the window. “You act as if you have changed for me.” Sophie shrugged “I did, I put away my submissive nature in the bedroom and took on more of an equal role with you. Before you I was always with a Dominant partner, it's what feels right to me.” Raymond turned to look at her in a shocked almost mortified look “Do you know how crazy you sound, not to mention you’re the most stubborn and independent woman I know. I can’t see you kneeling at a man’s feet and letting him spank you when you don’t do as you’re told.” Sophie smiled trying not to laugh “During day-to-day life no but during play yes without question. I have always been turned on by a man that knows what he wants. I'm not asking for whips and chains or to be demeaned but I’d have no problem calling my lover Sir or even Master while in play.” The car got quite a moment then Raymond sighed “Do you miss it, the lifestyle I mean?” Sophie nodded “Yes I do, I miss the feeling I get like I’m not just submissive but taken care of and protected.” Raymond frowned “Well I don’t like to feel like I’m lording over someone.” Sophie shrugged, “It’s not like that.” Raymond just shook his head “I don’t find any of it a turn on and I don’t crave a helpless woman at my feet.” Sophie laughed at the look on Raymond’s face. “Give me a break Raymond, we are lovers and I’m only talking about sex. You look about ready to jump out of your seat, sorry I even brought it up, never mind I’ll keep my fantasy to myself as usual.” Raymond shrugged “You seem so cold lately, not that you have ever been very warm. You seem darker lately as if you lack soft edges not to mention you’re too bold and I doubt you even think before you speak anymore. At least in the past, you paused to think about your words before saying them. Sophie, you carry a gun and a knife. What kind of woman carries weapons?” Sophie frowned “So I’m not warm enough for you, you find me cold, do you think I lack a romantic nature?” Raymond nodded “You could try to be more on the sweet side.” Sophie sighed “Am I really so different?” Raymond nodded as he looked out the window “Honey your moods change like the weather, too bad there isn’t a forecast to watch ahead of time.” Sophie shook her head “And what you only like me in the spring months?” Raymond laughed, Sophie shook her head “I carry a weapon so I don’t have to put my trust in just any pansy on the street. I like to know I’m not just another helpless animal waiting to be taken advantage of.” Raymond nodded then tried to change the subject. “I’ll check on your place while you’re out of town, water the plants, and get the mail, so just a week this time right?” Sophie smiled “Yeah, it shouldn’t take long at all, it’s nice working with models I’ve worked with so many times before.” After dropping Raymond off at home she went home and repacked for her next shoot and headed out enjoying the fact that she would be alone for a change. After all her problems with Raymond, she figured a few days apart would be a good idea. Sophie reached her hotel room after a long day of shooting and lit a joint before opening her computer to check her messages. Raymond had written twice; the first was a sweet note wishing her a good trip and telling her to pick him up a trinket. The next was written in anger; Sophie had received her medication by mail. An auto refill system and Raymond found them and became curious when he noticed that the package made noise when shaken so he opened it to find all of her prescriptions. Curious, he did some research and found out what they were, then emailed her stating each one and what they were prescribed for as if she didn’t know. He was disgusted that he hadn’t noticed on his own and pissed off she had been keeping her condition a secret for so long. First her mother and now he couldn't help but think back and question all of Sophie's quirks and moods once ignored yet now boldly highlighted. After finishing her job Sophie returned to find he had packed what little he had at her house and left. Leaving behind a letter calling her a lying crazy bitch only brought a smile to her face. Sophie knew Raymond didn’t understand her disorder hell all he knew was she was crazy, telling him she had Bipolar probably wouldn’t change his mind since he had researched her medication already and that would have told him enough and she didn’t want to be with a man that would always be scared of her or use her disorder as a crutch in all their arguments making her the blame of all their problems. She had been in relationships like that and she vowed never to do that to herself again. It's so easy to blame yourself for everything when you're confused and unsure if what your feeling is real or just a delusion your fucked up brain has created, never knowing the truth until it’s too late. It’s so easy to be manipulated into self-hatred when your pain already points inward on its own. Sitting out on her porch she poured herself a glass of Jim Beam on the rocks and lit a joint shaking her head she laughed toasting herself. “Another one bites the dust.” A few weeks passed and Sophie was kept busy with work. Raymond called and left more than a few messages but Sophie ignored him. She had moved on, he had made his choice and that was that. Sophie was in Seattle on a photoshoot when she received word that her mother had died, it had been six weeks since she had last visited her at the Camarillo state mental hospital and it had ended in an argument and her mother having to be sedated. Dr. Brett Reagan was apprehensive about discussing it over the phone but finally revealed it was a suicide and that Sophie was needed right away. Being of a like mind and having also been admitted and treated at the same hospital in her past for a short period Sophie knew the Doctor feared her reaction. It had been at the end of her fourth year at Berkeley and she had just graduated and was planning on moving South to Los Angeles the following year to work as an assistant for Pierre Herstier, a fashion photographer that she had met. Only Twenty-One at the time Sophie was still very immature when it came to knowing her priorities and the difference between work and play. Excited about her upcoming move and new life Sophie let herself get carried into the fast-paced life of drugs and chaos while simultaneously leaving behind her medication. After living a year on a danger-filled manic high filled with confusion and delusions Sophie was pulled swinging from the balcony of the Hilton hotel ranting incoherently and taken to Camarillo Hospital on suicide watch, so physically and mentally exhausted she was sedated a week before she was able to even say her name. First with her grandmother Lola and now with her mother Celeste both suicides and both at the same hospital.