“Please don’t tell me we have to take another train,” said Will, who was as sick of something involving giant centipedes as he could possibly be.

“No,” said Virgil. “Actually, we’re lucky Dio used to be a resident of Arcadia, because he’s got an in.”

Dio, who was laying belly-up on a brick fence in the courtyard, grumbled. “Do we have to?”

“I thought you’d be excited,” said Virgil, his tone one of slight disappointment. “You love Arcadia.”

“I love some things about Arcadia. The mansion isn’t one of them.” Dio said.

“You don’t have to come in with us if you don’t want to,” Will said, diplomatically. “You can go… hang out, or whatever. Kiss an elf or something.”

Dio made a little noise that suggested that he was humoring the idea. “No, you’ll want me to come with. I’ll just complain the whole time.”

“Now you know how I feel,” said Will playfully. He did not see Virgil’s reaction.

Dio’s in turned out to be a golden key covered in grooves and lines like it was a tiny piece of abstract art. “It opens a doorway to my apartment in Arcadia,” he explained to Will as he inserted the key into the keyhole of his room.

The lock clicked open and Dio pushed the door open, revealing a very different room than the kind the estate had. This room was marble and open-air, with a series of columns instead of an outer wall. Afternoon sunlight streamed in.

“Huh,” Will said. “Neat.”

“After you,” Dio said, gesturing for the party to go through. Rex practically dashed through, but Virgil, Will, and Skullcrusher were more sedate.

The visual effect of walking through one door and out into an entirely different location was strange, Will thought, but even stranger was the change of vibe.

They were suddenly at least a story above ground level, and the warm breeze deposited a beautiful reddish-orange leaf directly onto Will’s face.

Will pulled the leaf off, his curiosity suddenly absent. Dio squeezed through the door and closed it behind him, and re-opened the door into the connecting room.

The patio had a few benches encircling a low table, and what looked like an infinity pool sat on the far edge. Most flat surfaces had been covered in a layer of fallen leaves, and a bird’s nest was situated on one of the benches.

“You don’t use this place very often,” Will said, not so much a question as an observation.

“Not really. It’s nice, but it’s not home, y’know?” Dio said, shrugging. He lifted a hand, contorting his fingers in a series of quick gestures, and the leaves fluttered away like a swarm of insects dispersing.

“Oh my, is that you, Diogenes?” A voice from the floor below called. Will considered it somewhat unfair to call it a ‘gay voice’ in this context, but it was the kind of voice that would say things like “Wig!” or “Zaddy!”

Dio froze, thinking of what to say. “I’m just visiting with some friends. Uh, you’re Tyrion, right? You do… archery?”

“Archery and wrestling now!” Said Tyrion proudly. Despite being unable to see him Will knew for a fact that he was flexing his biceps.

“You know where Poly is? I need to talk to him,” Dio said.

“Sigma stadium, I think,” Tyrion said. “Something about a cheating scandal!”

“Okay, good, Sigma is where the mansion is,” said Dio to his friends. “You guys can take it from here.”

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

“I thought you said we’d need you,” Will said coolly.

“You will,” agreed Diogenes. “But I need to take care of something, first. I’ll catch up later.”

Virgil interrupted before Will could inquire further. “Let’s just go, we have no idea how long Polybius will be there, or if he even still is.”

Will relented, following Virgil out of the room and then out of the apartment building. “Right now we’re in Gamma stadium, so Sigma is…”

Rex whistled and pointed to the middle right, beyond where Will could see.

“Of course, thank you,” Virgil said. “Arcadia is arranged into seven stadiums, divided like spokes on a wheel—“ he attempted to explain for Will’s benefit.

“Like Disneyworld,” Will said.

“Like Disneyworld,” Virgil agreed deflatedly, having the context supplied to him psychically by Glory.

“Stadium” conjured a very specific mental image in Will’s American mind, one which did not accurately reflect the reality of the area before him. Sigma stadium was a vast stretch of land dotted with flower gardens and red-brick pathways and empty places with unidentifiable events going on.

Pick’s Mansion, which did in fact look identical to the one owned by Daphnis, loomed over the left side of the stadium, giving the entire area the appearance of a huge private garden.

Topiaries depicting male figures in athletic poses flanked the main path, which led directly to the mansion. A pair of topiaries were entwined, forming an archway, and Will couldn’t exactly tell if they were wrestling or engaging in a very different form of physical activity, or possibly both at once.

A small crowd was gathered around the entrance to the mansion. A huge centaur with antlers, turquoise fur, and a ballista-sized bow slung over his back was saying something to what looked like a minotaur, with the air of a teacher scolding a misbehaving student.

“Is that Poly-” Will started to ask.

“Yes,” Virgil said, cutting him off.

“For the last time, where is he?” Polybius asked, stomping a hoof hard enough to crack the tile beneath him.

“I don’t know! I don’t know!” begged the minotaur, clearly terrified. “He just disappeared! The last thing I saw was an axe swinging at my head, and then I got booted out!”

“Unlikely!” Polybius said, kicking the minotaur and sending him skidding across the floor. “You cheated! And you know the punishment for cheating!”

Glorious purpose mimicked the noise people make when they clear their throats. “He’s telling the truth,” he said, attracting the attention of Polybius and the crowd. “He really doesn’t know what happened to his rival. There’s no need to skewer him in front of all these nice fellows, is there?”

Polybius blinked, as if waking up from a trance. In an instant he was in front of Glory, squeezing him in a bear hug. “Ah, Glory, my fourth-favorite godson!”

“Hello, Polybius,” Glory said, not choked by virtue of not having a neck. “How are… things?”

Polybius dropped Glory, who quickly darted back a few feet. “Terrible! Someone has gone missing in the mansion! Haunted mansions aren’t supposed to be dangerous!”

“Interesting. As a matter of fact, I’m here to investigate Picard’s mansion right now.”

“To find our missing athlete?”

“No, though I suppose those might be related.”

“Perfect!” Polybius said, already wandering off. “I leave you to it.”

The crowd dissipated, many people following Polybius. The minotaur he had kicked was laying on the floor, groaning in pain. Glory placed a hand on his wide chest and healed the worst of his wounds, including two broken ribs. “Sleep now,” Glory said, not quite whispering, and the minotaur immediately dozed off.

“Polybius seemed… intense.” Will said diplomatically.

“I liked him,” said Skullcrusher, who was currently digging through a patch of flowers looking for interesting potential specimens.

“He is very intense,” Glory agreed. “At least we have… some kind of lead, I suppose.”

Rex made a whistling noise, pointing a thumb at a plaque next to the mansion’s double door entrance.

“High scores,” Will read automatically. “That’s weird. High scores feels very… video-gamey. Like I'm standing in front of an arcade cabinet.”

Will was silent for a moment. “God fucking damn it. Why did I have to get stuck in the gay porn fantasy universe that runs on fucking pun logic!?”