Will was more rattled than he wanted to be by the creature. Even though there had been grosser tainted, that one, the way it looked at him, was painful.

Will put his hand on one of the pieces of loose armor. “I wonder if—Yagh, hot!”

It was like putting his hand on a hot oven rack. Will cursed the pain and his own stupidity, dropping the steaming hunk of metal.

Rex picked up another piece and waved it like a fan, as if some airflow would reduce the scalding metal to room temperature.

“I wonder if,” Will continued as Virgil healed his hand. “The armor itself has any special properties. It’s kind of like the sets of armor that the… butler armor ghost guys… wear, or are.”

Will paused, considering something. “That wasn’t the guy we were looking for, right?”

“No,” said Glory. “Thank heavens for that. We’re looking for a human.”

“I don’t want to just… leave the armor, I guess,” Will said. “That feels wrong. Even if it’s just inert metal.”

Rex looked at him quizzically, but began stashing the pieces in his backpack. He dumped a pile of necklaces on the floor to make room.

“Ah, don’t leave those,” Dio said. “The weight-to-score ratio for jewelry is crazy efficient.”

“We’re not here for a high score,” Glory reminded. “We have something more important to worry about.”

“Right, but…” Dio said, the words dying in his throat.

“If this tainted wasn’t the guy, what was it doing here?” Will asked to the room at large. “Was it trying to guard something? Or maybe it was just a distraction, a red herring.”

“Is there an inherent meaning?” Skullcrusher asked. “Perhaps it is just one of the universe’s incalculably numerous random coincidences.”

“Perhaps,” Will conceded. “But I don’t think it was random. It meant something.”

Rex whistled softly, waving one of the gauntlets, which he tossed to Will. On the wrist side of the gauntlet, a plus sign and two circles were engraved.

“That’s weird.” Will said, looking at the glyphs. “They almost look like… God. No way. That’s too stupid. I refuse to entertain the possibility.”

Glory gave him a sympathetic look. “It’s not a bad guess.”

“It looks like a video game controller. Like, an ancient one. An NES, maybe. It had to have been left by someone from earth. Do the other armor guys have the same symbol?”

Will pressed a thumb to what would have been the A button. Immediately, the gauntlet sprung up, pointing a finger toward a door that Will wasn’t convinced had been there a moment ago.

“Well, that’s a clue,” said Will flatly. “Not much less subtle than a literal pointing finger.”

Holding the gauntlet in one hand, Will opened the door.

The next room was a dining hall, with piles of fresh fruit on large metal trays. Will ignored the furnishings and continued to the end of the room, with another door being pointed to by the gauntlet.

Thankfully nothing came alive and tried to kill him, though a padded chair considered it. Glory gave it a stern look as he passed.

Then the next room, a pool. There was no water, but it still smelled of chlorine.

The gauntlet continued pointing diligently forward, but Will paused before opening the door. “It can’t be that simple.” He said.

“Why not?” Asked Skullcrusher as he sampled some dried algae from the pool’s dry filter.

“Because everything here is an absurd reference to video games, and whoever is designing this place thinks he’s really fucking clever. Turn around. Go back the way we came.”

The banquet hall had been replaced by a barracks, with a dozen bunk beds lined against the walls.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

“Back again,” Will said. “Then left, then right, then left again, then right again.”

“You sound very sure of that,” Virgil said.

“It’s so stupid that it has to be the correct solution. I take no pleasure in this certainty.”

When Will opened the final door, it shut behind him before anyone could follow.

The gauntlet wrenched itself from his grasp and skittered into the shadows. This room, which Will was certain was the final room, looked like a library.

“You made it,” said a voice from behind a bookshelf. “It’s good to have someone who appreciates the classics.”

“Uh-huh,” Will said ruefully. “The Konami code. Very clever. Who are you?”

Will turned the corner and saw a man not much older than he was tinkering with some handheld machine. He looked up at Will and gave a knowing smile. “I’m afraid I don’t have a name anymore. But you can call me Guile, if you must.”

“Do you know anything about a missing person? Are you the missing person? No, that wouldn’t make sense.”

“Astute,” Guile said. “No, I just needed to speak with him. And then I needed to speak with you. Two birds, one stone, you get it.”

“So you kidnapped him?”

“Kidnap is such a loaded word. This is my mansion, after all. He entered it willingly, as you did. And now that I’m done with him, he’s free to go.”

Guile opened the door to a closet beside him and the limp body of a muscular man fell to the ground.

“He’s dead.” Will observed flatly.

“No, just unconscious. Not that death is an incurable condition here.”

“You’re from earth,” Will said. It wasn’t a question.

“Of course,” said Guile. “How is earth these days?”

“Could be better.” Will said. “How long have you lived here?”

“I was brought here in nineteen ninety-two,” said Guile. “But I’ve probably been here longer than however long it’s been since then. The timing isn’t exactly linear, you see.”

Guile pointed to the unconscious man on the floor. “He’s from two thousand and one, but he’s only been here a few years.”

“Twenty twenty three,” said Will.

Guile suddenly looked at Will with unexpected intensity. “That long, eh? How is the Game Boy selling these days?”

Will laughed despite himself. “The latest Nintendo console can plug into a TV or be played handheld.”

“Fabulous,” Guile said distantly. “Are the graphics alright?”

“I can say with confidence they would blow you away,” said Will. “It’s like nothing you’ve ever imagined.”

Guile took a deep breath. “You like it here, Will?”

“It’s fine, I guess. I want to go home, though. When I’m done.”

“When you’re done,” Guile echoed. “And what happens if you’re never done?”

“I don’t follow,” said Will, feeling his stomach drop. He did not like the way Guile was looking at him. Like a predator evaluating prey.

“What happens if you put down roots? What happens if you let your guard down, let this place in? The spell sends you home. Make sure you know where home is.”

“You sound like you speak from experience,” Will said guardedly. “Who are you, exactly?”

“I’m someone who doesn’t get to decide where home is,” said Guile. “Not yet, anyway.”

“What do you mean?” Asked Will, still maintaining a level tone.

“I’ve been looking for a long time for a way back to earth. It’s tricky, you know. This place sticks to your soul, and doesn’t want to let go. But I’ve got a solution.”

“Go on,” said Will, his voice leaking impatience.

“The soul is not immutable. There is a way to get the world to reject it, with the correct adjustments. To render it toxic.”

“The Taint.” Will said.

“An unfortunate side effect of my experiments, yes.” Guile said.

“You can’t keep doing that,” Will said. “You’re creating monsters.”

“I don’t need to. I have what I want.”

“Then fix them!” Will said, his mask of neutrality breaking.

“Not my concern,” Guile said. He stood up and walked past Will.

“Well, it’s mine!” Said Will. “Cleaning up your fucking cancerous mess is the reason I’m here in the first place.”

Will realized that he couldn’t move, and in fact hadn’t been able to in quite some time. “I want to go home, too, asshole!”

“I know,” said Guile, opening the door. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about that. But I’ve waited long enough for this. I can’t stop now.”

Guile left the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Will and the limp body of the missing adventurer were defenestrated out of the leftmost window of the mansion, directly into a spherical topiary.

“Ugh,” Will said. He really wished he’d lied about the Switch’s graphics.