Bob started the process of pulling himself together. It was a tough job. And he expected it to take a commensurate amount of time. His heartbeat was still pounding in his ears, and his head throbbed awfully. He reached back a hand to find a comfortably sized bump where he had contacted the tree stump earlier. That was going to sting for a while.
The leg he had fallen on felt little better. He had to believe that he’d probably sprained his ankle, but he didn’t want to put it to the test just yet. There was already enough despair to go around. On the positive side there didn’t seem to be any broken bones. Guessed he had the mud to thank for that.
Yes on the topic of mud, he was drenched. He was soaked to the skin in mud; it looked like he had been dipped in a vat of mud. Mud in his hair, mud in his ears, mud in his eyes. Continually blinking only aggravated the situation as more mud was transferred from his eyelids into his eyes.
His muddiness was to such a degree that even the arbitrary and objective universe had judged it worthy of recognition. With a mental prod, he opened his first notification. It expanded into a semi-translucent window that felt almost like a game UI. Lines of text in an unobtrusive light-grey font were projected into the space in front of him.
> Achievement:
>
>
> Muddy
>
> Description: Consider looking where you’re going
>
> Achieve more than 80% mud coverage of total body surface area.
>
>
> Effect: A token bonus to base stats when covered in mud
Was Bob the only one who felt like the universe was making fun of him? Low blow, low blow. “A token bonus to base stats”—no idea what that meant, but the word, “token”, did not inspire confidence. He was covered in mud now so the achievement’s effect should be in play. He concentrated. Did he feel a little stronger or faster? He moved his arm up and down, tried clenching his fist. Maybe? Who was he kidding; he had no idea.
Still a thought occurred to Bob, a dangerous, terrible thought. If there was an achievement for 80%, why not 90%? Dammit, why not 100%? He looked suspiciously up at the grey sky. Now Bob was no idiot. He understood how these things worked. There was a good chance that the universe had predicted Bob would come to this conclusion. In which case, there was a real possibility that the whole achievement was merely a setup to encourage Bob to willingly drench himself in warm mud.
Really what had the world come to? Bob remembered fondly the bath he had been teleported from. Hot water, bubbly soup, clean, white porcelain. But this was no warm bath. This was a cruel, harsh muddy world. Bob was no fool. Bob was no coward. Well maybe a little. Fear kept a man alive. And Bob wanted to survive. Bob was going to survive. He hadn't quite given up all hope of finding a second copy of Jonny the Man and somewhere a good dog was waiting for him. Good men don't keep good dogs waiting.
Even so, even so… Why did it have to end up like this? Bob gathered up a handful of mud. His childish curiosity got the better of him and he squeezed the mud between his fingers. It squealed unpleasantly as liquid mud dribbled down his fingers. If this was some kind of practical joke, he threatened the empty air, before lathering the mud generously on his upper back, along his shoulders, up his neck, areas that had been largely shielded from the splash.
He felt the mud slipping over him; the rank smell, that unpleasant, almost offensive light brown. He wondered how much longer he could bear it. His inner arm, his thighs, his chest, wiping mud slime all over himself. He wondered if he’d ever cleaned himself with soap as thoroughly as he did now. And then, the fateful sound: Ping
> Achievement Upgraded!
>
>
> Muddy - > Very Muddy
>
> The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
>
> Description: This didn’t happen accidentally
>
> Achieve more than 90% mud coverage of total body surface area.
>
>
> Effect: A trivial bonus to base stats when covered in mud
He sighed; was this happiness, relief, hopelessness? Everyone does a lot of meaningless things in their life—but even so, there are some things that we have to believe have meaning, those bedrocks upon which we build our character. And Bob could not have withstood the knowledge that he had muddied himself, literally and spiritually for naught.
Now to go all the way. Bob spent about five more minutes, dutifully rubbing mud over his body. Between the toes, under the armpits, around his face and nose, between the eyebrows and the eyes; but no notification came. Maybe 90% was the limit. But how could he know unless he tried? Was this what heaven wanted to see? Was this the will of God?
He positioned himself, a deep pool of mud on the ground in front of him. There was no other way. Bob knew this. Bob wished it wasn’t so. But Bob knew. There are hard truths out there. “What a cruel and unfeeling God,” Bob shouted as he plunged himself headfirst into the mud, writhing about, turning, soaking his back, drowning in mud, but there was no notification, no enlightening ping.
Bob sat up, wiping mud out of his eyes and spitting mud onto the ground. He looked at his brown hands, at his brown legs, at his brown chest, despairing, cursing the universe; the trees were laughing at him; the grey sky was laughing him; the dead boar with its glassy eyes was laughing at him. And then he saw it, a pale, skin-colored spot in the crook of his elbow, he must have been keeping his arm bent. He picked up a dollop of mud and rubbed it in. Ping! What a beautiful sound.
> Achievement Upgraded!
>
>
> Very Muddy - > Mud Monster
>
> Description: More mud than man
>
> Achieve 100% (rounded) mud coverage of total body surface area.
>
>
> Effect: A minor percentage bonus to base stats when covered in mud
He grinned muddily. And he did feel a little stronger; his mind too a little sharper—the skeptical part of himself scoffed. It was all a self-fulfilling prophecy combined with a flood of endorphins on learning that his efforts hadn’t been wasted. But Bob chose to be an optimist.
Still thank God that’s over. He settled himself back down in his spot against the tree, picked up one of the apples lying on the ground (it was too late to worry about the mud) and started munching. Somehow these apples always made him feel a little better. He opened the next notification.
> Achievement:
>
>
> Lucky
>
> Description: We both know you should have died there…
>
>
> Effect: A trivial bonus to Luck
Bob didn't appreciate the universe's tone. Didn't the universe know that everything had been occurring to plan, occurring to schedule even? Look here. He'd just taken the first couple hours to indulge in reading and once the rain had ruined the book, he dispatched the boar in short order. Pure skill if you asked Bob. But what idiot would say no to a little more luck? "Luck me up!"
> Challenge One Completed!
>
> Congratulations.
>
> Final Grade - E
>
> Current pass percentage: 71%
>
>
> Please continue to next challenge
"Final Grade E? Bullshit. Come on, be reasonable." Had the universe accounted for extenuating circumstances? He’d been teleported directly from the bathtub with nothing but a book in his hand. Somewhere, he knew, an active duty solider had arrived in full army camo, with an assault rifle, pistol, knife, pack of supplies and just stomped that boar. He looked at his fantasy paperback which rain and mud had turned into an unreadable mess of wet pulp. How could the two be compared?
The mere fact that he survived should have warranted at least a C grade. It had taken nothing short of a miracle. He still couldn’t believe his luck, cough, his skill and resourcefulness. The boar had practically defeated itself. He wanted a reevaluation. He demanded a reevaluation. The line with his grade flashed and the letter E returned boldened. Broken system. Biased. It was always the same.
Still, at least he was alive, that was what mattered. The ground in front of him had been illuminated and the lights formed a path leading deeper into the forest. The system could really use some lessons in subtlety. Follow the pretty lights to your happy place.
Bob got to his feet. He braced himself. He was up for a challenge. He was always up for a challenge. He ate challenges for breakfast. The system wanted to give him a challenge. Well challenge away. Do your worst. Double challenge. Triple challenge. Four back-to-back challenges. A challenge marathon. Bring it on. Bob was ready. Bob was born ready.
Not. Stupid system. Did it think Bob was just going to march off as he was? Bob had learned his lesson. The lesson of mud and discomfort. He wasn't going to get slapped with another in-the-bath penalty. No matter how sweetly the system guided him forward with its fairy lights. Bob had some preparations to attend to.