Bob had never been so glad in his life that he was a man who followed through on pointless quests. This bad boy, a first-edition copy of Jonny the Man, had cost him his share of sweat, tears and blood. Sure, he'd had to take on three sentients, simultaneously, without mortally injuring any of them, while counting down from 1001. Why, you ask? Bob had asked himself that too. He concluded it was best not to try and understand system quests. Motivation aside, sacrifices aside, the plain fact of the matter was, it had all been worth it.

Bob had quickly found his place. You think he'd have forgotten what had happened with the challenges and troubles of a post-integration world. And you'd be wrong. Bob's dreams all landed him in the Multiverse Odyssey and among the company of the Kiwi Warriors. He slipped easily into the smooth, elegant prose of Jonny Johnson. He was at a good spot. Were there any bad spots?

The grand duel between Jonny and Kai Vortex had been explosive. Jonny had transcended himself again and again. He'd spat as Kai shattered the bones in his shoulder. He scoffed as Kai burned away his ears. He'd laughed as Kai knifed him in the gut. Something was terribly wrong with these young men. And at the end of it all, he'd stomped Kai's face in the ground and had the Ki Duelist crying for mercy.

Jonny won the duel and Kai (who Jonny spared) formally acknowledge Jonny as "the Man." "The Man" being the title for the strongest warrior in the region. What would they do if a woman was the strongest warrior? Bob pondered this deep question. Would she become "the Woman"? It doesn't quite work, does it? I guess they'd just have to call her "the Man" anyway. Just straight up - Aurora the Man. Do you think that'd have some effect on her dating life?

Digression aside. Jonny was made for the title. Jonny Man the Man. Oh, had Bob forgotten to mention, Jonny's last name was Man. Talk about on the nose naming. Jonny Man the Man, now the recognized strong man of the region, welcomed Kai as his subordinate. Kai brought along his band of Kiwi warriors and they were joined together into Jonny's Wiki warriors. By unanimous agreement of all parties, they'd called the new group the Wikikiwi Warriors. Jonny Man the Man, leader of the Wikkiwi Warriors.

Now unfortunately for Jonny, he was a bit of a muscle head. Managing a large organization was frankly beyond his capacity. But somehow he'd got it stuck into his head that a leader's got to lead. Figurehead leadership was a concept he was unfamiliar with. Jonny waded into the deep waters of logistics, large-scale strategy and political backstabbing. Jonny waded in and drown. Not only did he drown. He did his best to drown everyone with him:

"Idiots. You... bwar. Stop. Stop." The mass of workers preparing the room for the arrival of the royal princess all froze. Jonny glared at them, gesticulating wildly. "Idiots!" he roared. "Can't you read a calendar? She is coming tomorrow. Put it all back. All of it. Back in the boxes."

The workers hesitated. The royal princess of Aetheria was a serious personage. Jonny was only some backwater strongman. And it's always the little guys who take the fall.

"Back, I say, back. You lot deaf as well as dumb?" Jonny chuckled at his own joke.

A foreman stepped up. "M-Mr. Th-The Man, I-I b-believe her royal highness is expected t-t-today."

Jonny stepped in close and personal. "You telling me I'm wrong?"

The foreman staggered back. "O-Of course not, Mr. The Man. I-I wouldn't dream..."

"Good. Put it all back. Or I'm holding you responsible." The foreman wilted. He looked like he was going to cry.

Classic Jonny, Bob mused. I'm telling you the stupider the main character, the funnier the novel. You can get away with anything if the hero's an idiot. No reader is going to ask you why the hero didn't do XYZ and cheese through every imaginable obstacle. The answer's obvious: have you looked at the man? Have you looked at Jonny Man? QED.

This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

Unfortunately, two hours was a lot shorter than it seemed. The novel just had so much meat in it, so much to savor and snicker over. The system wasn't one to wait for its subjects. The notification flashed into Bob's vision:

World Evolution Complete. World Rank Upgraded: E - > D

Without proper warning, Bob was booted from the space and throw out in his little mausoleum. It was dark and muddy. Ping, ping ping, ping, ping. The system was spamming him again. Bob had just been over there. You'd think the system would try to get all their business out of the way in their face-to-face. The inefficiencies of an interverse bureaucracy were truly lamentable. Bob wasn't particularly interested. He was mid Jonny the Man binge session. Hey, George and Sophie had no idea how long an evolution was supposed to take. For all they knew, he could still be in the system white zone. He should take this opportunity to finish off the novel once and for all.

Knock, knock. The sound reverberated through the enclosed space. Bob froze, deer in the headlines. Had he been too loud coming back? Was his natural breathing so grating and discordant that his companions could instantly hear it through a brick wall? No, it was an off-chance knock, just in case. If he stayed quiet, the person would go away and leave him in peace. Bob held his breath and waited.

Knock, knock. Stay strong Bob, stay strong.

"Robert I know you're in there."

It was Sophie's voice. She did not sound in good spirits. Now was that a bluff? Could she really be so damn certain? Yes there were notifications. Everybody was probably alerted about the world evolution. But did it necessarily follow that Bob had returned? While Bob dithered and doubted himself, the knock came again more forcefully.

"Dear Robert, surely you do not intend to keep your Sophie waiting, do you? Surely Robert would never, never do such a cruel thing."

Moment of truth Bob. Either you die on your sword here and don't come out for a couple hours, or you cave early and beg for mercy? Maybe he could pretend to be unconscious or something. Yeah that was plausible. He'd been remade body and soul. How the hell did she know what evolution considered of? He might need to sleep for days. This could work. This could work. All great men die on their swords. Are you Mr. The Man or Mr. The Maybe?

Bob slowly lowered himself onto the mud bed. Easy does it. Easy does it. He got down nice and graceful. Not a sound. Bob close your eyes. You're asleep. You're asleep. In five minutes, she'll go away and you can start reading again. Remember what you're fighting for.

Something hard fell down and caught Bob in the throat. He coughed, spluttered, rolled over, fell out of the bed.

A moment's silence and then the voice. "I knew it." A shrill, biting voice. "I knew it. Robert, I am warning you, if you do not depart your little mud box in the next twenty seconds..."

What had happened? What on earth had happened? Something had attacked him. He'd been blindsided. Throat-chopped. Bob groped in the darkness and found the culprit. It was a hard, triangular, cone-like object (the mausoleum was dark).

Ow. It bit me. Bob stuffed it in his cloak pocket. Where it remained perfectly still. This had not been in here before. Where had it come from? Was someone in here? It clicked in Bob's mind. His rare item. The reward for his system sponsorship. What the hell man? The system had started throwing things at him. The sheer barbarity of it all. Was this god-like behavior? Was he dealing with a moody toddler or the greatest being across all the interverse? Throwing things. And at the worst possible time... Don't even pretend it was an "accident".

He ground his teeth and strategized for a moment. "Is that you Sophie?"

"Robert. I, have, warned, you."

Christ, she wasn't buying it. You couldn't pull anything over Sophie. It made life so complicated. Maybe there's a reason why rich men seem to prefer beautiful and unintelligent women. It really simplifies interactions dealing with one's intellectually inferior.

"I'm coming Sophie. I'm coming as fast as I can. The evolution has sapped my mana pool. I can't bend mud as I'd like to."

"Oh, and I suppose, it also preventing you from answering my calls."

"Exactly, you do get it."

"Robert."

"Coming darling."

Bob stuffed Jonny the Man into his cloak pocket and sank down into the mud. He emerged twenty seconds later on the other side. Harry shrugged off any over-friendly mud, and Bob gave Sophie a wide, welcoming grin. Bob opened his arms for the hug that was the just reward of heroes returning home.

"Sophie, it warms my heart to know you missed me so much."

Their reunion was touching, full of the heavy pauses that characterize an emotional scene, the long glances, the sentences started and not finished, the awkward dance of eyes meetings and looking apart, the whole wealth of human experience, of love, of truth, of friendship and trust. In a word, she stepped up to Bob and slapped him in the face.

Oh paradise enow.