Bob knew this place. It was the system's waiting room, the holding ground. A dimensionless, void space flooded with white light. This is where the system had formally commended him for his stellar initiation performance. This is where he had been granted his magical, mud-based authority. This is where Harry Mud Cloak had been birthed from the shell of hardened mud off Bob's own back. Good things happened in this place.
Bob rubbed his hands together and looked around him greedily.
"What are you waiting for? Bring out the treasure. My rewards. My gifts and congratulations. I would humbly accept a million or two credits. What about mastery of another element, say, fire? Or lightning? Or nuclear energy?"
> Evolution Process Initiated:
>
>
> Calculating racial evolution paths...
>
> Racial evolution paths calculated.
"Oh shit, I can change race." Was that written somewhere in the fine print? "Yes, yes, I know, I think I should be a high elf too. A race with a measure of inherent nobility and grace. Simply put it captures my true character better than a run-of-the-mill human. Humans are so pedestrian, so average. There are some millions of us wandering around the planet. I need something that will make me stand out. Something with a touch of razzle-dazzle."
> Choose Your Race:
>
> Human
"Anti-climax much. I thought I already was human." Bob pulled up his status summary:
> Name: Robert Brown
>
> Race: Human (lesser)
>
> Class: Heaven's Fool
>
> Level: 10 (0%)
>
> Rank: E
>
> Wealth: 4,871,300 credits
"That lesser bullshit again. You're making fun of me aren't you? Once a bully, always a bully. And here's I thought our humanity was granted by birth, an inviolable right of our species. Guess I was wrong. It's all something a jumped-up computer program arbitrarily determines. Well thank you very much. How happy I am to finally be worthy of becoming an ordinary human. It only took me 24 years."
Bob selected "Human".
> Race: Human
>
>
> A weak race without noteworthy natural abilities. Tool Reliant. Exhibits a strong tendency to group up and build nests. Invasive species. Will multiply and devastate existing ecosystems. Description: bipedal hairless monkey.
>
>
> Effects:
>
> * major boost to all base stats
"I guess that basically sums us up. A few important details omitted though no? Didn't manage to squeeze in a mention of Mozart, Michelangelo, or the literary giant, Jonny Johnson. Wasn't enough space. Fair enough. "
> Calculating additional class possibilities...
Bob's eyes bugged open. Additional class possibilities? Now we're talking. I'm so glad I fought that slime monster. Bob could be free of it, free of it at last. It was a dream he'd never thought possible. A hope beyond hope. He would throw down the name of Heaven's Fool and take on a new title. Finally, finally, the system had recognized that Bob was a man to be taken seriously and not just looked down on and laughed at.
Good, good. Very good. What kind of options would the system offer him? Something magical probably. Something mud themed. Bob was desensitized to mud at this point. He and Harry had a grand history together. Bob wasn't about to abandon his cloak. There could be some epic mud related classes. You've just got to keep an open mind.
"Here I'll give you some suggestions: The Mud God. Slime Shaman. Heaven's Muk. Apocalypse Mud. There, take your pick. "
> Additional class possibilities calculated.
"Here we go. Here we go."
> Choose Your Class:
>
> Heaven's Fool (unique) (current)
"I should have known. It's my own fault. It's my own fault. A man can't help but get his hopes up. You'd think I'd have learned by now. It's you after all. The system. The mean-spirited, small-hearted, twisted little, petty-man system. It's gotta be nice to be an omnipotent entity. You can get away with all the shit in the world. "
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
"Fine, fine, understood. Heaven's Fool reporting for mockery."
Bob selected his only option.
> Class: Heaven's Fool (unique)
>
>
> Heaven watches and laughs
>
>
> Level Bonus:
>
> * major boost to luck
> * major boost to random base stat
> * minor boost to random base stat
> * token boost to random base stat
> * minor decrease to random base stat
>
>
> Ability Tree: N/A (Slot machine - Each evolution, select a random ability)
The class description was unchanged. Maybe that meant the boosts scaled to your rank. Or maybe this was an even inferior class than Bob had thought.
> Assigning new skill...
A slot machine window appeared in front of Bob. Yep, that's right, he'd almost forgotten, the abilities of the heaven's fool were determined not by some underlying philosophy or synergistic design, no they were determined by cracking the arm of a slot machine and praying the gods of fortune wouldn't spit on you. Bob shielded his head. Spit incoming.
Three rows of text, each detailing a unique ability, flashed in front of him. The overlay was warped to give the impression of a wheel, hinting at more options below and above the visible window. Next came the slot arm, an absurdly mechanically black rod with a plastic handle on the end. Naturally it connected directly into thin air.
Bob had had plenty of time to think through his strategy here. System randomness was a black box. He didn't understand how it worked, but he understood it was not probabilistically independent. His actions, decisions and words were fed into the box and had some abstruse effect on the internal workings. In other words, it mattered what he did. So if Bob played his cards just right, he might be able to get exactly what he wanted. And what did he want? Do you have to ask? Fireball dammit.
Sure that would mean his new skill massively overlapped with George's own. Who cares? It's a fireball. Maybe they'd even be synergy, where one fire breath added to one fire ball became a threefold inferno. You can't decide your own path based on what the people around you do. You've got to be your own man.
Initiating strategy fire-me-not. Here comes some high-level reverse psychology. Bob tapped his lip and frowned. He was trying to convey an air of deep thought. He paced back and forth in front of the slot arm. He muttered to himself. Loud enough to be heard, but quiet enough to make it seem like he was talking to himself.
"Now, what new ability do I need? Right now I'm an ambush predator. I attack out of stealth with overwhelming force."
Yes, yes, Bob, you can't jump to the point. The system can't realise you are leading it on. Subtle. Gentle. Just prod it in the right direction.
"What I could really use is an escape ability, something to let me reset. A return-home spell would be ideal. Or some kind of decoy. Maybe a shadow clone or magical illusion."
Here we come, softly now, Bob, softly.
"What I absolutely don't need is some kind of flashy, head-on attack. You know like ice-lance or meteor-strike. Yes that would be counter-productive. Actually the worst thing would be to have the attack double up with George's fire breath. Yep, I absolutely don't need fireball. Fireball would be the absolute worst."
> Fireball has been permanently removed from your skill selection
"Nooo!" Bob howled, cradling his head in his arms.
That's what you get for trying to pull a fast one on an all-powerful entity. Smacked down. Bob sighed and ground his teeth to left and right. What had made him think this here was a good place? This was an awful place. A hellhole. A laboratory and we are the rats. A good place? Our memories are marvelously selective. If you frame the thing right, a man could walk away from torture thinking he'd just had the happiest experience of his life.
No more games. Bob would just crank the damn thing.
Crank, spin, high-tension music, a small light show. Bob is biting his nails. Not something that sucks. Not something that sucks. The wheel spins and spins and slows. Not something that sucks. Not something that sucks. The options rotate down, each twist signaled by an electronic click. "Absolute Zero" disappeared into the void. "Evening Star" fumbled after. "Human Dictionary" slid down. Keep going, keep going. "Human Dictionary" tripped out of position, and what's that coming from behind: "Apocalypse Mud," "Apocalypse Mud" at the finish line.
Here we go. Here we go. Synergy. A cool name. An attack power. A reaffirmation of the system's sincere desire to brainwash a mud fetish into our poor Bob. Bob would take it. Bob would take it. Click, and then the congratulatory fanfare of a completed spin.
What? What? Bob couldn't believe his eyes. The skill had crept up, tiptoed behind "Apocalypse Mud," and pushed the mud attack out of position.
> Ability Assigned: Meditation (Knowledge)
> Skill: Mediation (Knowledge)
>
>
> Forget yourself.
>
>
> Effect: Grants an instinctive mastery of all system-known meditative practices.
That description was a middle-finger. Bob greeted the system in kind. Every time, every bloody time the system managed to get him. The problem was that Bob cared. He wasn't some immortal sage on a faraway mountain who lived off beetles and nuts. He cared. And the more you care, the easier it is to mess with you. Evolving sucks.
> Race Evolution: Human (Lesser) Human
>
> Class Evolution: Heaven's Fool Heaven's Fool
>
> Skill Assignment: Meditation
> Evolution Parameters Confirmed.
>
> Evolving...
Bob braced himself for pain. He closed his eyes, he engaged his core, he pulled back his shoulders, he squeezed his glutes. Nothing happened.
> Evolution Complete.
Bob scratched his head. Bob stroked his beard. That was easy. It hadn't even taken thirty seconds. He felt... exactly the same. He held his hands up and looked at them. They looked just as they always had. Muddy, with dirt under the fingernails. Pinkish and poorly-circulated.
"No way!"
Bob had finally noticed. His right arm, his crippled, lifeless arm was healed.... He swung it around, testing various angles and positions. It moved like a dream. Bob was grinning his face off. Evolutions are beautiful things. Where else can you actually be freed from past mistakes? Given another chance to live, and live better. Bob had such a chance now. And he meant to make the most of it.
He was done then. Bada bing, bada boom. And thank you kindly. Well, he'd be on his merry way then.
Wait, Bob. Wait. It's a trap.
What do you mean? It says, "Evolution Complete". It's right there in black and white.
Bob I'm warning you. You're an idiot so you always fall for the same bullshit. But I'm warning you. It's a trap. Something's coming. It's not over.
You worry too much. Some things are just what they appear.
A system message appeared. A long system message. A long and complicated system message.