Chet Watakeekul

It was cold near the living room window and there was snow on the ground outside. In a week it would be Christmas. Vincent was still looking for work. He was at a job interview at that very moment. I couldn't believe no one had hired him yet. He was smart, nice and perfect. I would have hired him on the spot.

I held the soccer ball close to me as I stared out the window at the snow. It was pretty, but I couldn't play soccer in it. I decided to push the furniture in the living room up against one wall so I could play in the house. I was the only one home at the moment and if I put the furniture back to their original spots no one would ever know.

Soon I was dribbling the soccer ball along the cream carpet. There really wasn't much room so I couldn't run, or kick too hard, but that was good practice itself. Control of the ball was important.

I froze when the front door opened. The soccer ball rolled along the carpet and then stopped.

Kannika stared at me from the open doorway, bundled in her coat with a colorful scarf wrapped around her neck and a matching knit hat on her head. Her backpack was strapped on her shoulders. She noted me, the furniture, the soccer ball and then she shook her head.

"You're too obsessed with soccer," she said. She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She slid her backpack off and tossed it onto the misplaced couch. She took off her boots, gloves, scarf, hat and coat.

"I can't be too obsessed with soccer," I replied. "It's going to be my career."

"You can't play it forever."

I didn't think that was true, but instead I said, "I'm going to be a coach," because that's what I really wanted to do in the first place. She knew that.

She sighed and looked around the room. "I'll help you put the furniture back. Let's do it now so dad or mom don't walk in and you get caught."

I smiled. "Thanks, Kanni."

She helped me move the furniture back. We were careful to match up each piece of furniture back on the grooves it had originally made in the carpet so my parents would never know.

"I think I should warn you," she said when we were almost through.

"Warn me about what?"

"Mom's lost contact with Kiet."

I hadn't expected it to be about my brother. My insides went cold. "That means he's on meth again," I said.

She nodded. "It's only a matter of time now before we hear that he is back in jail. At least when he's in jail, we don't have to worry if he's causing trouble or getting hurt or hurting someone."

That was all true. For the most part, I preferred to forget he even existed, but I couldn't deny there were moments when I wondered if he was okay and hopefully staying out of trouble.

I put the soccer ball back in my room. Kannika followed me and stood in the doorframe.

"Mom's going to take me Christmas shopping today," she said. "I have no idea what to get Vincent. Any suggestions?"

"Hmm," I thought about it. "Just give him a $100 that he can use towards his school books next semester."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not even spending $100 on you. That's way too much."

"School books are expensive though."

"But he got a school loan."

"That he has to pay back with interest."

"And a scholarship."

"A partial scholarship that doesn't pay much."

"So what can I get him?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said. If she wasn't going with my $100 idea, I didn't know what to tell her.

"Do you think he likes yaoi mangas? I can give him some of my old ones. What? Why are you looking at me like that? He's into guys."

"First of all," I said, "just because he likes men and women because he's bi, but I'm still his favorite, doesn't mean that he'll like yaoi mangas. He didn't even know what they were a few weeks ago. And secondly you're just trying to get out of actually buying him something."

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"No I'm not. I'm trying to give him something meaningful because it is something I enjoy."

"You should give him something he enjoys, not something you enjoy," I pointed out.

"Fine. What does he enjoy?"

"Video games. And me."

She rolled her eyes. "He already has you so I can't give you to him. What video game does he want?"

"There are a couple of new ones that just came out."

"New ones are almost $100 too."

"Kanni," I said, "if you're going to keep arguing with me why even ask me?"

"Fine. I'll figure it out on my own."

She left my room. It wasn't long after that Vincent came back after finishing with his interview. When he came into the room, I was on the bed looking at soccer stats on my phone. He crawled onto the bed next to me, turned sideways so he was facing me and threw an arm around my waist.

"How'd it go?" I asked him. I put my phone down.

He shrugged. "I think it went well, but I thought all the other interviews went well and then I got a call or email from each of them saying they hired someone else. I'm beginning to think something is wrong with me."

I wrapped him in my arms and held him close. Our foreheads touched. His was still cold from being outside. "There is nothing wrong with you," I said. "You'll find the right job for you even if it takes some time."

"I don't have time," he said. "I can't let your parents keep paying for everything."

"Why not?"

"They are too kind to me already. I thought I'd have a job before Christmas so I could get all of you Christmas presents, but that doesn't seem likely now. And your mom said she could take me Christmas shopping, but it seems weird to get a present for your parents with their own money. Wouldn't that just be them buying their own present through me?"

"You're thinking about this too much," I said.

"I have to get you all Christmas presents though because I know you are all going to get one for me."

"You don't have to get us anything," I said.

"Accepting a yaoi manga from me for your Christmas present will be present enough for me," Kannika called out from her room.

"Kannika!" I shouted at her for listening in our conversation again. There was no privacy with that girl around.

"But what if he likes them and just doesn't know it yet?" she called back.

"Imagine dad's face when Vince opens your present on Christmas morning."

There was a pause and then Kannika said, "Nevermind. I'm going to get you something else."

"I think I'll borrow some money for Trevon for Christmas presents," Vincent said. "I'll pay him back when I get a job."

"Are you sure? My parents really don't mind giving you money."

"I know they don't," he said, "but it doesn't seem quite right. I already owe them so much."

"You don't have to pay them back."

"I know, Chet, but I want to. I want to get a job so I can pay for things myself. I want to be self reliant. I want you and I to get a place of our own."

I caressed his jaw. "I want a place of our own too," I said.

"I want you two to get out of here too," Kannika called, "so I don't have to keep listening to these mushy conversations."

"You don't have to listen!" I yelled at her.

The front door opened and closed. Vincent and I shifted away from each other. A moment later my mom was at my open bedroom door peeking in at me and Vincent. She smiled at us. "How did the job interview go?" she asked Vincent.

"Good. I think."

"Good," she said. "I'm taking Kannika Christmas shopping." Kannika bounced up next to my mother with a grand smile on her face. She loved shopping. "Have fun you two," my mom said to me and Vincent. She walked out of view followed by Kannika, but a moment later she stepped back and put her head back in the doorframe. "Not too much fun though. Remember the rule."

"We know, mom," I said.

The front door opened and closed again as they left leaving me and Vincent alone in the house.

"I should look for more jobs to apply to," Vincent said. He got up, went to the desk and turned on his laptop. I went back to looking at soccer stats on my phone. Then I looked at some of my favorite soccer plays and wondered if I had been the coach would I have directed the play differently? If I was the coach, would I have been able to come up with that strategy?

The next time I looked up at Vincent, he wasn't looking at the laptop, he was looking at his phone. I knew what that expression on his face meant. He was thinking about his grandma again.

"You should call her," I said. "Even if she can't solve things with your dad, she still loves you."

His golden eyes flickered to me. He shook his head, but the pain was clear in his eyes. He left the desk and came back to stretch out next to me on the bed.

"I'm afraid to," he said quietly.

I put my phone down and held him close. He tucked his head against my chest so my chin rested on the top of his head.

"I miss her," he said quietly. His warm breath brushed through my shirt and tickled my skin. "And Aiden was just beginning to show me some brotherly affection. Maybe I read too much into it, but I was just beginning to wonder if he possibly liked me."

I stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head. "Do you want me to call her?" I asked.

He shook his head against my chest. "No. I'm not quite ready to face that yet. I do wonder what they told her and Aiden. Did they tell them the truth? Did they lie to them? Did either of them try to call me on my old phone only to get no answer and then think I was avoiding them?"

It wasn't until I felt the dampness on my shirt that I realized he was crying. I lifted his chin so he was looking up at me. I carefully wiped the tears away.

"I know they weren't the best family," he said, "and I do feel free now that I'm no longer under them, but they were my family. As messed up as it sounds, I still miss them. All of them. Even my dad who mostly ignored me."

I held him tight to me as it was the only thing I could offer. I couldn't make his family suddenly change and accept him. "What can I do?" I asked genuinely hoping there would be something I could do to fix it or make him feel better.

"I don't suppose you have anything emotionally traumatic you want to share too?" he asked. I could tell by the way he spoke he didn't expect an answer.

"Actually," I said, "I found out today that my brother Kiet is no longer talking to my mom. That means he is back on meth again and it's only a matter of time until he does something that lands him back in prison."

Vincent pulled back slightly so he could look into my eyes. "Then we can be emotionally traumatized together," he said and squeezed me tightly to him.

"Yes."

We stayed that way for a long time just holding each other.