Howdy folks! As feared, a chapter just ain’t happening this week. Driving 8 hours a day with wall to wall pets is pretty exhausting and leaves me little time with the write-writes.
I then poked a few of y’all readers and other internet strangers for ideas on what to put up instead, and got some fun ideas. Unfortunately, when I started working on ‘Mila and Rora try to recreate Naw-Naw’s three ingredient biscuits, and do poorly’ it started to veer wildly, both in scope and rapidly becoming more, uh, AO3 alt chapter territory. And not up for smashing that together in the time available before I yet again pack my vehicle up and hit the road once more.
So instead we’re talking about me, AwesomeEllie, author decidedly-not-extraordinaire! Forever torn between wanting to get this story published eventually so I can get a hard copy and never wanting to monetize my writing because I fear it will suck all enjoyment out of writing as it becomes a job for me. After all, if it can be monetized, it should! And my economic value as measured in my income is my true value, so I need to write for money! That’s How Things Work!
Truly, the crisis of the ages!
I’ve always had an issue with how I define myself in regards to what is expected of me, like that above hyper-Americanized, hustle-culture, income-is-your-only value vibe. So, so much of my life has been me trying to do my best to cram myself up into little boxes that others and my cultures have set out for me. If I Fits, I Sits. Unfortunately, in sooooo many ways, I Do Not Fits. That is probably the biggest self-insert part between myself and Mila, both Fanasyland and Scienceland versions - we were never going to be fitting into the boxes set out for us. And that can be pretty painful when those boxes are heavily enforced.
All three come from the Deep South or its equivalent. The boxes are very heavily enforced.
It took me a decade or two too long for me to truly realize that I did not fit in the first box assigned to me at birth, and to try stepping outside of it. One step was joined by another and that started a wonderful and ongoing journey for me, one that has me building a box of my own making, of my own design, and that fits me perfectly. It’d be hard to overstate how much better I feel, since having taken that first step and realizing that it’s right for me, that is has helped me become a truer form of me. That has been empowering and beautiful and fun!
It’s also hard to overstate how blatantly obvious that bad fit was, in retrospect. So many pieces I come across, fragments of memories that haven’t seen the light of day in many years, that make it hard to think back to the kid who was trying to smush themself into a box that was never going to contain all that they were. But that same kid knew how bad it was to not fit inside the box, even if the transphobia and sexism had never been directed at them specifically before.
That journey, which includes picking through those memories and maybe trying to piece back together what was lopped off to try to fit in the wrong box, has been freeing overall but has had downsides. There are still many, many who wish to enforce that original box upon me, and I have become much more active in my community to try to show people, explain to them, that it was never a good or healthy fit and that the me now is better. That falling on a lot of cotton-stuffed ears, and sometimes catching threats in return for my attempts at peace, have made me a bit bitter.
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
It’s also been a pretty direct cause in my big move! I, and many others, tried to explain and convince and… well. Here I am. Uprooting my life from where I was born and have lived for decades, and fleeing across the nation thousands of miles away. That’s been it’s own issue of boxes, but one of my own making. I always wanted to move somewhere different, somewhere big and real and loud and it’d be my own whole adventure! That was a box I’ve had for myself for a long time. And here I was, putting together the last details of my big trip, reserving pet-friendly hotels, and I was just annoyed and angry.
It made me take some steps back and think on it a bit. I was not fitting into that box I had wanted for myself, of an adventurous new life, because this wasn’t really my decision. Like, obviously most of the aspects were mine to decide, but the precipitating motivation is pointedly not seeking out adventure and an exciting new life. Those elements are going to be here, I am absolutely sure of that, but for the time being, I’m running away. I’m fleeing because there’s boxes that others think they should be allowed to put me into, and damn all the pieces they have to cut through and tear off to get me to fit.
Of those two boxes, that’s the one that fits me right now. And identifying that, thinking on it, has not made me not angry. I am still quite pissed - if my parents were to pass away, it may be unsafe for me to return to see them buried. I have friends who are having to wish their children goodbye and flee. I have righteous reason to be angry, and I’m not going to try to fight that. But it has let me channel that anger towards those deserving of it, and away from myself. And just maybe I’ll build this fleeing box out until all the adventure and excitement and new things far outweighs the fear.
All that to say, these forests out here in the mid-west and western US are WEAK. All these fluffy-looking plants spread out so there’s light touching the ground, these large rolling hills. Where’s my forests full of angry, deciduous trees strangling each other for sunlight, swarmed by masses of bugs tearing into each other and everything else? Where’s my venomous snakes with attitude problems? Where’s the humidity high enough that breathing counts towards your daily water intake!?
Bonus, have some pictures.
We have, Liminal Hallway (Allows Pets)!
Spooky Hallway (Allows Pets) [https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/495073903991848961/1114033854374739988/IMG_7875.jpg]
A Mountain That Is Not Cool (Not Part of Appalachia)
This Mountain Is Not Older Than Pangea (BOOOOOO) [https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/495073903991848961/1114033855238783006/IMG_7873.jpg]
Dougly Worried That Ultron Will Bite His Buns, And Weyland Doesn’t Care
Ultron Just Wants The Plant, Dougly Just Wants Friends, Weyland Just Wants Left Alone [https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/495073903991848961/1114033856429965392/A2B68CD9-9BCE-429A-971E-05A0FDCFA9D7.jpg]
Ultron Stalking His Younger Brother, Gus
Ultron Just Wants To Snuggle With Gus [https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/495073903991848961/1114033856052461689/IMG_7851.png]