Smiling to himself Super Secret Agent Secret Most High Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd trotted out to his vehicle. He had spent two days immersing himself in documentaries about Terran espionage, taking close notes. He had discovered there were four types of agents, but it was easy to decide which kind he was.
Saboteur, which looked like a lot of work and seemed to damage a lot. While the escapes were amazing, and seemed to be the focus of the documentary, he knew there was only one of him and when he'd checked the Underground Railroad it had been converted to mass transit. While he was capable of using explosives, nerve gas, and other methods, he decided that was too risky.
Kinetic, which involved seeking out enemy spies and killing them with hand to hand and knife techniques. That only took two documentaries about a secret agent named Born for him to decide that he wasn't cut out for kinetic spying. Plus, those documentaries mainly focused around a spy who was slated for termination by his own agency then attacking the agency until it left him alone.
Terran spycraft seemed really risky to Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd.
Theft or discovery of information was the third. That was more Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd's speed. Just go in, look around, maybe copy some stuff off of a computer, and then walk away and blend into the crowd. That last part would be difficult, but Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd knew if he made it out of sight he'd just change his pelt color and pattern and be home free.
Then there was the hybrid.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd knew he was a sneaky spy. Which meant, from everything he had seen on the documentaries, he'd need gadgets.
First of all, he needed to make sure he had a proper vehicle. All spies that were involved with Terrans had to have certain things with their vehicles.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd had looked up the nearest vehicle customization service with the highest customer rating and decided that was who he wanted to make his vehicle more spy-ee.
He got in, settled down on the white leather couch, and brought up the car's VI.
"Where are we going today, boss?" it asked.
"Dale's Totallly Legit Chop Shop," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
"Uh, boss, are you sure?" the VI asked.
"Of course. They seem as if they can perform the vehicle modifications I want," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
"You know, you're just renting this car. You can't get mods done to a car you rent," the VI said. "Oh, they also sell cars. Make sure they transfer me."
"Of course," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd answered. "I am ready to depart."
"Uh you have your guns, right?" the VI asked.
"Yes," he told the VI.
"You might wanna have them in your hands. This is a rough part of town," the VI answered. "It's an Urban Wars Simulation Zone," the VI paused. "Uh, boss, you're no SUDS'd."
"What's that mean?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said, frowning.
"You don't have a neural imprint copying system. If you get shot in the face you're gone, you don't get reprinted at the nearest facility," the VI said. "Once you're dead, boss, you're dead."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd frowned. "Wait. If a Terran is killed they just come right back?"
"Yeah, boss, some places guarantee an hour or less," the VI said.
"And it's that dangerous?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd asked.
"It's an Urban Combat Zone Simulation, from the old Urban Wars just prior to the Glassing. There's bushes there that will eat you if the cybergangs don't get you," the VI answered.
"Hmmm, perhaps I should call them?" he said.
"Naw, let's get you an escort. Hang on, you'll have a call coming in," the VI said, pulling out. "I'll drive around while you talk."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd's datalink pinged and the words "INCOMING CALL - LONESTAR SECURITY" popped up in his vision. He answered the car.
"Ya'ahrd, Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd, Lanaktallan Spy speaking," he said, proud of the way he was able to emulate the Bongistan accent.
There was a 'snerk' noise. "Um, it's Captain Half-feather, with Lonestar Security. You were interested in a protection plan?" the voice asked. It was an odd voice, deep and resonant with an odd timbre in it that demanded almost immediate respect.
"Yes, personal and property," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. "I think I'd like some armed guards. Do you have a 'secret agent from an enemy nation during a time of war' package?"
"Well, Mister Ya'ahrd, let me check," the voice said. "Hmmm, mmhmm, ah, yes, we do. And, running your credit, it appears you also qualify for our Foreign National Supervillain plan with optional volcano lair."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd trembled with excitement. A volcano lair? He'd be the envy of all the other Secret Level Spies.
"Yes, that will do nicely," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
"Now, do you want the scantily dressed female Terrans bodyguards or the giant cyborg bodyguards?" the Terran asked.
"Yes," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd blurted out excitedly. "Oh, do you have ones that half their faces are menacing cybernetics and the other half has visually appealing villanous scarring?"
There was silence a moment. "Yes. Yes we do," Captain Half-Feather answered. "Well, it looks like we have a special on Cyber-Ninjas too. Would you like to sign up for that package?"
"Oh, that sounds exciting. How will I tell they're working?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd asked. "I saw on the documentaries that they're invisible."
"That's the best part, you can't! You know, Ninja invisibility," Captain Half-Feather answered. "Now, we're having another special on former Special Forces from collapsed nations, meaning their loyalty would be to your bank account rather than an active nations. They would have crude looking cybernetic that are actually quite effective."
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"Can the leader have what looks like an animal claw injury on his face and like to drive giant combat robots and fight with knives? I am not a good knife fighter and it seems as if knives are the leading causing of death of spies right behind explosions," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
There was the 'snerk' sound again. "Absolutely, sir. I know just the man. Now, have you discussed vehicle options?"
"I would like a jet pack."
Another 'snerk' noise, and Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd just chalked it up to a verbal tic. "Very well, sir. Anything else?"
"A car with hidden hover capability, an ejection seat, machineguns, a rocket launcher, and armored," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd stated.
"Ah, you want to Burgerland Interstate rated vehicle with an ejection seat? Excellent choice, sir. Would you like to use your dataslate to select colors and vehicle type as well as uniforms," Captain Half-Feather said. "I'll put you on hold while I see what other things we can offer you."
"I'll bring up the dataslate, boss," the VI said. The dataslate slid out of the dash and lifted up in front of him.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd was amazed by the different vehicles. Hover vehicles, some looking quite militaristic and deadly, ground vehicle, even tanks! There were two different jet-packs to choose from and Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd chose the one that had the simulated exhaust and made a loud roaring noise.
For colors he picked red and white, to appropriate the colors on his credit card. White armor with red highlights and a hoofprint on the shoulders. It looked quite snazzy with opaque face-shields.
Going through the options he discovered there was actually nearly a dozen islands just off the coast of the Hamburger Kingdom. He carefully mused over them and chose one. It told him that a representative would meet with him to create the floorplan.
His credit line, of course, was approved.
A package delivery drone dropped off the jetpack while he was picking all the options for his vehicle. An OCP SUX 9000, which got 1.5 miles to the gallon and had nearly 8,000 horse power. Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd wasn't quite sure what a horse was, but that was definitely a lot of them.
The vehicle would be delivered to the hotel he was at.
"OK, boss, have you ever used a jet-pack?" the VI asked.
"No, but many spies seem to use it, so I figured it was best I get one," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
"Of course," the VI said.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd turned to the call and brought it back. "Are you there, Captain Half-Feather?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd asked.
"Of course, sir, we at Lonestar Security are here to meet your every need," the Terran answered.
"I, of course, will need minions. I will need one to help me determine which Terran historical and cultural landmarks I should examine in order to be able to properly determine how to defeat your star nation and species," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
"Of course, sir. I'll make sure you get a full complement of highly trained minions. Do you have any species preferences?" the agent asked.
"Oh, I would like a Digital Sentience computer hacker. Are any available for hire?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd asked, rubbing his hands together.
"Of course, sir. We'll have someone come by and finalize everyone," the agent said. "Thank you for choosing Lonestar Security LLC for your personal and property security needs."
"No, thank you, Terran," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said, and cut the link.
He rubbed his hands together again. It was all coming together. A secret base to perform his espionage form. He'd have personal security, and a really big exciting looking wasteful personal vehicle covered in weaponry. He was so excited he drew one of his pistols, gave the traditional Terran warning that he was going fire it by yelling "YEE-HAW!" as loud as he could, then firing the pistol three times into the air.
A few other Terrans joined him, giving out the same yell and firing their slug-throwers into the air.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd felt proud of himself for how well he was fitting in.
"Back to the Penthouse Lair, VI," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. He paused. "Oh, I should name you. How about... um... Heinrich! That sounds properly espionage-like."
The VI made an odd noise. "Sure, boss. Heinrich it is. Is this acceptable?" the VI began using a thick accent that Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd found particularly pleasing.
"Yes, Heinrich, perfect," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said and rubbed his hands together again.
Terran space was so exciting!
The Terran at the desk let Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd know that the jewelry vendor was waiting for him. That made Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd tremble with glee. He couldn't wait to order his secret agent watches, cufflinks, lapel pin, and of course, shoes.
He was so excited he kept shuffling around in the elevator as he rode up to the Penthouse. An actual volcano lair! The other spies were going to be so jealous. He'd make sure to take image-shots of himself standing in front of the lava.
Oh, he'd need to capture someone so he could menace them and put them in a death-trap that they could then escape during an exciting battle with Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd's minions.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd couldn't wait to stand on his balcony, shake his fist, and yell out "NEXT TIME, GADGET!"
The Terran jewelry vendor was a short Terran with black hair and strange eyes. Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd greeted him and escorted him inside.
"We have a wide variety of expensive and luxurious men's jewelry, gentlebeing," the vendor, a Mr. Lee, said, setting down a datacube.
"I have a few requirements up front," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
"Oh? Please, explain," Mr. Lee said.
"I will need a pair of cufflinks that explode when put together and put at the corner of a door. A watch with a laser capable of cutting durasteel cuffs. Another watch with a sonic device that repels giant carnivorous fish, since apparently they are a danger to beings in my line work," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
Mr. Lee raised an eyebrow. "Might I inquire what line of work you are engaged in?"
"Import and exports and antiquities," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. He then leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. "I am also a spy."
Mr. Lee displayed no surprise, nor any other real emotion, just nodded slowly. "Of course you are, sir."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd rubbed all four hands together. "I will also need a watch that delivers an EMP burst, another watch that will hack computers, and lapel pin with a high definition X-ray camera to read the other side of playing cards, a belt buckle that shoots lasers, and shoes with hidden knives in them."
Mr. Lee looked down. "Um. That's going to be difficult," he thought for a second. "How about shoes with graviton assist that let you climb up walls, run across water, and leave behind different kinds of footprints?"
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd thought for a moment. Yes, those could be useful. He imagined himself dressed in all black with a cape and a hood with pointed ears, climbing up the outside of a building with a rope.
"I will also need a grappling hook gun. Perhaps hidden somehow?" he said. "Oh, and one of the hoof shoes should have a hidden comlink inside."
Mr. Lee nodded. "Of course, sir. Now, if you press your hand here, I can run a credit check."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd did so, trembling with excitement as he signaled the bartender VI to bring Mr. Lee and himself a drink.
Mr. Lee looked down at the dataslate.
CONFEDINTEL - VERIFIED UNLIMITED SECURED CREDIT LINE (FOREIGN)
Mr. Lee looked back up. "Well, you'll of course want to open a line of store credit. We're currently offering a special with only 45% APR."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd bobbed up and down slightly. That was far less than his credit line back home. "Why, that is most generous, Mr. Lee."
"My cousin produces fine quality hand tailored suits, Mr..."
"Ya'ahrd, Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd," the Lanaktallan said, feeling pleasure at being able to use that line as he sipped his shaken not stirred martini.
"Of course it is, sir," Mr. Lee said, his face expressionless. Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd marvelled at the way the Terran was able to avoid showing any emotion on his face. He put a note in his datalink to practice such an amazing ability.
"If you would like, I can have my cousin come by this evening, make sure your clothing showcases your proper employment?" Mr. Lee suggested.
"Excellent. Thank you, Mr. Lee," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. "How long till my jewelry is ready?"
"Oh, how does tomorrow sound," Mr. Lee said.
"Wonderful." Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd imagined himself cutting open a bank vault door and galloping away with the secrets to the Confederacy before activating his jetpack and swooping off in the sky with a big bag of money over his shoulder.
Mr. Lee left while his customer was obviously daydreaming. The strange looking creature was rich enough that he wasn't crazy, just merely eccentric.
But his money spent.
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CONFEDINTEL
BWAH AHA AHAHAHAHAHHA!
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TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS
What?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CONFEDINTEL
This has got to be the funniest thing ever. I'll show you guys later.
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