"We're gonna crush these nasty little shits!" I roar as I punt the first beetle fucker off ridge, launching it like a football into the canopy.

Domina's foot almost slips as she trusts her sword into another beetle bastard. "My clones are closing in on our location! Let's hold on until then!"

Raelith splits a couple in half with here two axes. "A glorious two-front assault! We can carve through them from the front and the back!"

"You'd better keep that baby safe, Brisket!" Zazel raises her left hand. "Stnaryt enab eht ma I! Ytinasni fo Niamod!"

Zazel's spell spreads out under our feet, completely covering the ground in a swirling and churning psychedelic light. It's almost like an underground spring of rainbow paint is leaking out of the ground.

The spell races and flows into the oncoming insects. As soon as the light hits them, they start shrieking and thrashing, breaking rank and scattering in every direction.

"Holy shit, Zazel!" I cave one in with my boot at it rolls all over the ground. "What did you do?"

"Ha! I have no idea!" She draws her huge, black Sword of Skepticism from her cleavage and brings it down hard on another bug fuck, which starts shooting crackling red and blue sparks from its guts. "But it seems like we're finally about to have some fun!"

They aren't too overwhelming, but they keep coming and coming, like little droplets of piss after good leak.

I see a bunch of them trying to flank Domina. I grab the nearest beetle, and I start swinging the bastard around like a flail, knocking away at the fuckers trying to get the drop on her. Once they scatter, I hurl the beetle at a group of monsters and knock them on their asses. Then, I run after them and stomp their guts out.

"Master, behind you!"

I spin to see one jump up at me from the side of the ridge. Its back opens and the air hums with the sound of its glassy wings.

"Shit!"

Its horns fly right toward my gut -right at the baby- but I manage to just barely dodge in time.

"Watch out! These fuckers can fly!"

I feel the little guy shaking even harder than before, his body tensing hard against mine.

That was too fucking close. If I could just use my powers for- No, it's too damn risky! But what if...

"Domina!"

She spins wildly with her sword, and cleaves another beetle fucker in half.

"Yo, Domina!"

She stops, blinking her eyes and shaking her head. "Yes, Master!"

"Hey, call me crazy, but I think we should put the little guy in storage until we finish this fight!"

She puts a hand over her mouth. "Please don't, Master! That would kill him!"

"What? You serious?" I turn around a and cave in another beetle.

"Most serious!" She pauses to stab an oncoming bug. "There is no air in the storage area!"

"Tsk, figures."

The bushes next to us rustle like crazy, and a set of ugly brown triplets comes bursting out at us.

I slide in front of Domina. I have a right hook with their names on it.

Then, Zazel's spell ebbs and pulses, and something fucked up happens to the bugs - their eyes fall out of their heads. They instantly stumble and start walking around with their arms stretched out, feeling the air.

"Haha," I blitz forward and explode its head with an uppercut, "sucks to be you!"

Domina comes down on one, and Zazel comes up from behind to butcher the other, which explodes in a puff of chalky pink smoke.

"How repugnant!" she starts wiping her foot off. "I stepped on one of their eyes!"

Raelith is laughing hysterically. "These monsters are no match for me!" She throws one of her axes, which scrambles the heads of a row of four beetles as is spins through the air like motor. She grabs it as it returns to her. "They were born to die by my hand!"

As Raelith blows through the bugs like a little red storm, Domina's clones come pouring out from behind us rakes, shovels, kitchen knives, and rolling pins raised high, and we finally catch a break. But it still takes quite a while for us to finish off the rest of them.

Once the last beetle bastard falls dead, we take a second to catch our breath and regroup - But only a second.

The jungle starts to shake and storm again as even more bug fucks come crashing our way.

"How many of these shitstains are there!?" I hurl a rock like a major league pitcher, which flies with a vicious curve until snipes a hole through one of them.

Zazel hums thoughtfully. "As entertaining as this all is, I suggest we leave before time runs out - or we get surrounded again."

Raelith does a huge flying front flip from below, soars through the air, and lands next to us with the grace of a ninja warrior. "Surely you don't want to leave just yet? The monsters are begging for us to end them," She flourishes her axes a bit. "And I would oblige!"

"I agree with Lady Zazel," says Domina as she cuts a bug down the middle. "We should return to the Elemental of Nature while we can. These monsters are weak, but I'm losing more clones by the minute."

"And you would lose more if you ran away; they will almost certainly follow us." Raelith morphs one her axes into a ring blade, and throws it up at a fluttering beetle, slashing it in half. "Better to annihilate them here and now!"

But while we're running our mouths, the jungle shakes and stirs again, and another wave comes crashing up through the vegetation and up our way.

"Guess that settles that shit!" I clench my fists. Damn! If I could use my power, I'd squash these bugs in two seconds. And it's too risky to pass off the baby- Wait. Bugs. Insects. Don't I have something for...

"Guys! Cover me a minute! I think I can get us out of this, I just need to figure something out!"

Zazel raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me? Just where did find the audacity to order-"

"Just do it!"

I close my eyes, and ask the Hero Pendant how to use it. I barely remember it because I was pissed off to the max when I got it, but this is the best opportunity I'm going to get unleash my one and only Blessing. I just hope it's strong enough.

"Okay! Hold your breath and get ready to run!"

"Yes, Master!"

"Hmph. If you say so, Beautiful..."

"What do you think you're going to do, you absolute sausage?"

I shoot both my arms into the air, then I bring them down and cover my pecs with my hands before thrusting them forward, palms out. "Divine Blessing: Insecticide Blast!"

My palms start glowing as a sickeningly sweet, sticky smell permeates the air. A big cloud of green smog blasts out of my hands and fills the air in front of me. I can't really see the beetles, but the air is filled with their chittering cries as they choke and die.

I turn and spray the smog all around us, killing every beetle bitch and bastard in sight. I'm living an exterminator's wet dream as I fill the jungle in front of me with poison gas. I spray in every direction to clear out a path, but then I start to lose steam. The flow sputters and stops - I strain and shake my hands, but nothing happens.

"Yo, what the hell?"

Zazel folds her arms. "The Blessing ended, obviously. But you've certainly given us an opportunity to leave. Let's not waste it."

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I look at my hands. "Whatever. We need to get the hell out of here!"

The Elementals nod, and we sprint through the jungle, leaving a trail of dead bugs behind us. We come out of the brush and into the valley in record time.

"That was fun!" says Raelith. "I hope we can fight more monsters, Beautiful!"

"You really like killin', huh?"

"Of course. But that little skirmish was not satisfying enough. And they don't bleed like you do!"

I hear more rustling in the forest. "Shit! They're coming again! We need to keep moving!"

We jump, bob, and weave through the jungle like it's our purpose in life. But I stop when I feel a powerful rumble in the earth.

"Huh, that's weird."

Zazel and Raelith stop, then notice it, too.

The rumbling gets stronger, and a deep, loud, bellowing squeal cuts through the air, and the whole damn rainforest shakes. The trees in the jungle are blown and bent aside as some huge-ass animal barrels right at us like a king-sized freight train.

"The fuck is that shit!?"

I twist grab Zazel, who squeals like an angry pig as I tuck her under my arm and start hauling ass. "Raelith, get Domina!"

The War Elemental grabs Domina and throws her over her shoulder as she blitzes onward.

The animal lets out an ear-splitting squeal and closes in on. It's about the size of a ten-story building, with six long, thick, grey-furred, legs ending in wide feet. Its head is small, and its snout is super long and thin, ending in a slimy, round mouth. Its got a big, white beard hanging from the bottom of its chin.

"Yo, that thing is fucking huge!"

And to put the cherry on the shit sundae, more panicked beetles come bursting out from under its legs.

"Are you kidding me? What is this, a fucking tropical cross country marathon or some shit?"

"I"ll handle them!" Zazel squirms in my grip, and thrust her left palm out. "Stnaryt enab eht-"

"No, Zazel! Your wacky magic bullshit might hurt the baby!"

"Says the total numbskull who inundated us in a giant cloud of poison gas!"

"Oh, fuck off!"

The enormous anteater-dragon thing, which is running pretty fucking fast, suddenly skids to a stop, and turns to the bugs. Then, its huge, skinny, slimy, tongue shoots out of its mouth like a snake, wraps around a bunch of bugs, and pulls them inside in the blink of an eye.

Whoa, I do not need that shit in my life!

But sure efuckingnough, we're next. The anteater thing turns and fires its tongue at us like a whip shot out of a cannon.

I pull Zazel in and try to block the nasty wet thing, but it wraps around my chest fast and hard and starts pulling me fast. Doesn't take a genius to figure out what's about to happen, so I twist my body as much as I can and give Zazel a little toss as I'm drawn toward the beast. She goes rolling across the jungle floor and lands on her ass.

She jumps to her feet, her face red and scrunched up. "Brisket, you-!"

"Zazel! Catch the baby!" I grab the zipper and yank it down. "I'll be fine, but this thing will kill the deer! Grab him and-"

Then, the giant anteater thing cranks it up to 11. I'm lifted up into the air, so I zip up again and brace for fucking disaster. I'm yanked through the air and into its fleshy, disgusting tube of a mouth, swallowed whole and sucked down into its stomach.

I'm just barely able to avoid falling down as I land and stumble into its gut. The inside of the thing is hot, wet, dark, and just plain fucking disgusting. It's like being a giant puddle of boiling sour milk.

"Fuck, that's bad."

Not only does the air smell bad, it's hardcore suffocating. Every three breaths I take seem to count as only one.

I ask the pendant for ideas for a light source, and it responds by glowing with a gentle white light. I there's nothing but a cavern of flesh and a few pieces of melting beetle monster.

Then, my legs and feet start to sting - the stomach is going to work on me as well.

Me and the little guy might end up like them if we don't get out of this bitch right quick.

Then it starts to sting more. Then a lot more. Then even fucking more.

"ARRRRRGGHH! SHIT!"

I try to find a place to get out of the acid, but ain't a damn thing. I have no choice to let this fucking monster's stomach acid melt my legs.

I don't know how much time passes, but it feels like a long goddamned time. Even using my powers doesn't hurt like this. When I rage, it the pain comes and goes quick, even when it burns me to a crisp. But not this acid. Not by a long fucking shot.

Eventually, though, the pain does stop. When it's finally over, I can't feel much halfway below my knee.

Shit, I almost forgot!

I unzip my jacket and check on the deer. "Yo, little buddy! Are you okay?"

I look down on, him, and he looks up at me weakly for a second before putting his head down again. He's panting a lot, and looks pretty damn miserable.

I'm not sure if he can understand me, but he's not dead, and that's good enough for now. He is breathing awfully fast, though. Ain't gonna last long in here.

I pet him on the head a bit, then zip my jacket back up. Then, I stand and start looking for a way out.

I don't know much about anatomy, but do know there are only two ways out of a stomach: up or down. Going up might mean another fall in the acid, and down sure as hell ain't any kind of option. But maybe...

I start trudging through the stomach acid, trying not to get any of it on me as I make my way over to the stomach wall. I reach the wall and start feeling the lining for anything I might be able to tear open. I feel a soft spot. I dig my fingers into it, and the flesh tears and spills out some bright green blood. The whole thing jostles, and I'm thrown off balance. I fall to my knees, and a bunch of the shit starts to melt my pants and thighs with a nasty sizzle.

"Argh, motherfucker!" Well, that ain't gonna work.

The baby is whimpering and shaking. This whole thing is starting to look pretty damn hopeless.

I need to get him out of here, but I can't if I don't use my powers! I could bust this fucker like a balloon if I wanted to, but there's no way a frail little thing like him would be able to take it...

I kick out of frustration, splattering a little acid on my face. "Ah, fuck!"

But this make me realize something horrific. Careful not to topple over, I slowly lift my right leg out of the pool of acid, and see nothing but the glimmer of indestructible alloy.

Damn, I shouldn't have looked.

For a moment, I can only stare in the special kind of awe and disgust that only a good dose of body horror can trigger. There's not even any blood or bits of flesh, just straight up metal.

Blood. Bones. Metal bones.

I remember a one of the best scenes from Terminator 2. The Terminator has to prove to Miles Dyson that he's not bullshitting him about being from the future, so he cuts and pulls the skin off his arm and shows him his metal skeleton.

I look over at the hole I came out of. Then I look at my hands. Then down at the acid. The math checks out, but I do not like the answer.

No point in hesitating, Ferdie! Just fucking do it!

My plunge my arms elbow deep into the stinking acid.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuck!"

I grit my teeth, and keep pushing until I'm up to the middle of my triceps. I scream for a moment, then force myself to focus and keep my shit together. It hurts. Bad.

I feel my core begin to radiate and churn. Why do I need to do this shit? Do I really need this Elemental that badly? What the fuck is she thinking making me go through a stupid ass trial? We're facing a full on fucking invasion! What's she gonna do if I don't pass? Just chill on a mushroom while cultists run train on her ass!? Discuss the social lives of pack animals while robots rip her to pieces!? Stupid green-haired, mushroom-eating bitch!

The deer pushes weakly against my gut. I look down at him through a little gap in my jacket. His breath is shallow, and his movements are weak.

"Hold on, you little bastard," I cringe and scream between my teeth, "we're gonna get you out of here, get that Elemental, and make the Limp Dicks pay!"

He keeps kicking, but his movements are getting weaker by the second.

"No! Hold on! You gotta fucking hold on!"

I remember my childhood on the farm. My parents always too really good care of the animals, but no matter what we did, maybe animals died well before they became adults. It was hard to get animal food sometimes, and the animals had a hard time enduring the heat and the air pollution.

We had a lot of stillbirths, and it was usually a coin toss that decided which animals lived and died. I'll never forget any of them, and the way their still, glassy eyes stared into oblivion. I hated it. It seemed so cruel and random for little animals to die like that, and for no good reason.

And the only thing I hated more was the fact that I was powerless to do anything about it.

The little guy finally stops moving, and I feel him become a little heavier.

No! No! No fucking way!

"RAGHHH!"

I pull my arms out of the pool, and a lot of blood and meat slops off of my forearms. I shake off as much of the acid and meat as I can, then hold out my bare, glistening, metal bones. My fingers aren't exactly pointy, but the rough-looking tips and joints look perfect for climbing up flesh.

I turn around and see the path of least resistance: the gullet.

"PIECE OF SHIT!" I climb and claw and punch and rip the fucking guts up, as I sink my fingers in his throat and use it like a ladder of meat. The thing is crying and screeching and making all kinds of fucked up noises, and I feel it shifting and swinging around like crazy.

I come up to the throat, I can see its big, gross tongue, but his stupid fucking mouth isn't open.

"RAAAAAAHHH!" I crawl onto its tongue and start ripping it to pieces with my metallic fingers. His weird green blood and muscle and tissue flies everywhere as I dig and rip and tear the fuck out of it.

The little mouth opens the end of the bony tunnel, revealing a bright light. I kick and scrape and push my way out, making sure not to crush my precious cargo. I feel its slimy, wet tongue as I slide out of its mouth. I drop who knows how many feet to the ground onto my back. I clutch the deer in my jacket and try to scramble to my feet.

But I ain't even got time to breathe. Quick as a whip, the nasty fucker's tongue grabs again -this time by one of my legs- and starts to pull me back in.

Fuck. You.

My core fires up, and I grab the bloody stand of flesh and pull back on it, causing it to tense like a strained rubber band. "Dinner plans've been canceled, asshole!"

I brace myself with my free leg, and bring the our little fucked up game of tug-o-war to a stalemate. But just when I think we're evenly matched, the massive anteater pulls back hard. My foot and ass starts sliding fast, and it takes almost all my willpower not to tap into my rage.

Shit! If I tap my power, the baby'll-

"SLASH AND BURN! SLASH AND BURRRNNN!"

Raelith leaps down from who-the-fuck-knows-where with a huge-ass sword cocked behind her. The burning black blade slices clean through its tongue, splattering the ground with a burst of green blood. The release of tension makes me snap back and hit my head against the muddy jungle floor.

The anteater-dragon thing makes a weird squealing noise and thrashes around, snapping and knocking down a couple of trees in the process.

"HAHAHA! BLEED FOR ME, BEAST!" Raelith leaps after the monster like a pouncing wildcat as it retreats, and starts swinging it like crazy with her blade.

"Master! This way!"

I snap around and see Domina and Zazel hiding behind a tree and waving me over from some distance away.

"Fool! There's no time to sit around on your muscly haunch! We must go, now!"

I stumble to my feet and start hauling ass, checking on the deer as a I do.

I stop dead in my tracks. "Shit... No, no, no!"

He's not moving, not breathing. His eyes are glassy, and his mouth is open. I'm assaulted by a flashing stream of awful memories. Tiny limp bodies. Eyes staring at nothing.

I shake my head. "Hey!" I jostle him, trying to move even just the slightest bit. "Hey, wake up, little guy!"

"Brisket! Come on!" Zazel runs up and pulls on me. "We may not make it as it is!"

I barely even hear her. All I can do is try to swallow the pain and desperation pulling me apart from the inside as I stare into the little deer's motionless black eyes.