Everyone -even Zazel- is quiet and somber as I tell the Elemental of Nature about the oncoming war.

I don't know how much time passes as I give her the rundown, but it goes by fast. I tell her everything about what God said, the Liberation Society, and what we'e planning to do about the invasion. Occasionally, the Elemental asks a question, but mostly she stays quiet as I tell her about everything.

When I finally stop, her eyes slowly move over to me and lock with mine.

"So the alpha finally appears, but only to bring tidings of the omega," she looks down at the fire again and adjusts her shish kebabs of potatoes and mushrooms. "It's not really what I've been expecting all these hundreds of years."

I shrug. "What were you expecting, then?"

"The Hero is supposed to Release all the Elementals and take us on a great journey to wake up Astraea and usher in the beginning of history. To create a new world and civilization." She closes her eyes and sighs. "Instead, we face extinction."

"The hell we do! We're gonna beat the shit out of the Limp Dicks so hard they'll never even think about fucking with this world again." I ball my fists. "Defeat ain't any kind of option. I'll kill all them motherfuckers if I have to."

Raelith, snacking on a mushkebab, nods and grunts loudly.

Nature smiles somberly. "I see," she takes a deep breath. "I have heard much of you and your power. You are all strong, even if you don't work very well together at times."

"You've been watching us?"

"Not me, but the animals and plants. Your power is especially impressive; you are a worthy alpha in that regard."

"Respectfully, Nature," Zazel butts in, "I might suggest not using the term 'alpha' when referring to him. It is entirely too generous of a title, and his ego inflated as it is."

I scowl at her. "Look who's talkin'."

"Yes, well," Nature goes on, unfazed, "while strength is important to maintaining a pack, unbridled viciousness is not."

"What? Whaddya mean by that?"

"Animals who live in packs will often fight for dominance, but few of those fights result in death. Once a victor is clear, the life of the loser is often spared. This is because losing a pack member weakens the whole, and threatens the survival of the very young the alpha seeks to create."

"So?"

Zazel moans. "I believe I can see where this is going."

"In order to ensure the survival of the next generation," Nature goes on, "a beast must not only be strong enough to fight for status, but measured enough to ensure the integrity of its pack. This balance is important for any social species to survive and thrive. Do you understand what I mean?"

"No, not really."

"Unbelievable," says Zazel, rolling her eyes. "God gave you the power to punch a mountain into dust, but not quite enough brains to appreciate subtext."

I turn and glare at her. "If you know, then why don't you just explain it, Einstein?"

"What is an Einstein?" She shakes her head. "Ugh, just listen. She wants to help us fight, but has reservations about doing so because she's been watching your unbridled lunacy and stupidity unfold in real time. As such, she's probably concerned about your ability to lead us," she turns to the Elemental and fold her arms, "and most like wants to put us through a tedious Trial to prove that you're capable not turning us all into gristle in the process of defending our world."

My core flares a bit. "Oh, okay. No need to sugarcoat it."

The Elemental looks at Zazel and smiles. "I am impressed with your insight, but make no mistake, the Hero is not the only source of concern."

She looks at Raelith, who is chewing on a leg of meat Domina just served to her.

"I saw what you did to that bird, War." She gives Raelith a serious look, then softens little. "Though, perhaps that is a matter best discussed in the future. In any case, my concerns about you, Hero, have nothing to do with your ability to fight, but everything to do with your attitude."

Man, everyone is always judgin' the shit out of me. Can't a guy get a break?

She gets to her feet and steps in front of me, and I stand to meet her. She's not quite as tall as Raelith, but she's still a lot of woman.

"I will aid your endeavor to save this world and its people, Hero. But only after you pass my trial and prove your ability to not only fight, but to protect."

Heating inside me, my core churns. "Fine. I'll do this lame trial. What the hell do have to do?"

"Very good. But first, a question."

I fold my arms. "What?"

She her expression turns from patient and gentle to deadly serious. "Hero, if you win the war against this Liberation Society, what will you do after?"

"What will I do after?"

"Yes. If you win, you will become the leader of this world. It is your destiny as the Hero. What is your vision for Astraea? What kind of world will you make?"

"I'm not really thinkin' that far ahead. I just want to protect you guys, kick a metric ton of ass, and get my revenge on the assholes who killed me and fucked up my world."

"Hm. Hero, do you wish for your descendants to inherit the world you will create, and rule over it themselves?"

I pause. "Kids? I can't even have kids. Ain't no humans on this world."

She stares deep into my eyes, like she's looking for something in particular.

"Hmm," she frowns a little. "An honest enough answer, I suppose." The intensity leaves her face, replaced by kindness and patience. "Let us proceed. Hero, you are a being of immense power. But do you have what it takes to nurture a new world?"

She closes her eyes, and whole area is bathed in a green glow, then everything around us starts shaking.

"Yo, what are you doing?"

The rumbling stops, and the Elemental opens her eyes. "Hero, I have your trial."

Zazel, Raelith, and Domina stand with me, ready for anything.

"South of here, a short distance away, a baby animal has lost its parents to monsters. The monsters haven't noticed it yet, but it is only a matter of time before they do. Find the cub, protect it, and bring it back to me."

I blink. "Wait, that's it? Find a lost animal?"

She nods. "That's it. You have two hours to find and bring the cub to me safely." She raises a hand and a glowing green hourglass, filled with golden sand, floats above it. "The timer begins... now."

The sand starts flowing, and the hourglass floats and hangs in the air next to the Elemental.

"Alright then," I turn and point at everyone, "get your asses moving! We're gonna save the shit out of that animal!"

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Back outside, at the foot of the pyramid, we pump the breaks for a bit to take stock of everything and get organized.

I turn around and look at the crew. We have the three Elementals, a couple of War Bastards, and one fat Butt Ugly Spawn.

"So, anyone got any ideas how we can find a little animal in a huge ass jungle?"

"Master," says Domina, "I suggest we spread out to cover more ground and find it more quickly."

"Right, do that clone thing you do, and we can spread out like a fan and head south. That's as good of a game plan as any." I scratch my head. "I just wish she'd given us a hint about what it looks like."

Zazel fingers her cheek. "If she didn't tell us, it's probably because it will be obvious when we see it." She taps her foot and looks at the sky. "Ugh, what a tiresome-"

"I'm going to run ahead!" says Raelith, transforming her weapon into an enormous battleaxe. "I will save this cub, Beautiful!" She bolts off like an Olympic runner, and quickly disappears into the foliage, cutting through bushes and trees in like a whirlwind of muscle and iron.

"Yo, wait!" I shout. "Shit, I guess Raelith's on point. Let's move."

As, we get our asses moving, Domina claps about a hundred times, and just as many clones blink into existence. Domina gives them their orders, and they rush past us, spreading out in every direction as they rush though the bushy valley.

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"Goddamnit," I punch a fat hole in a nearby tree, "where is that little bastard!? We've been running around like dumbasses for almost an hour already!"

"Settle down, egg. We have time enough." barks Zazel. "Although, that doesn't mean the monsters won't get to the animal before our time-"

"Fuck that! We're gonna find it, beat the shit out of those monsters, and get that Elemental!"

I stomp away and start tearing through the jungle like an animal. I tear through plants and branches, but no matter how fast I run, or how many places I look, I can't find it, or any monsters.

I keep tearing through the brush, shredding ferns and crushing old logs under my feet until I reach the edge of the forest, where the land opens up and the trees become much sparser. It looks kind of promising for some reason, but I don't see any baby animals or monsters.

Just when I'm about to say fuck this whole trial, a weird little scream cuts through the air. I whip around, and about a hundred yards ahead of me, in a little clearing on the crest of a small ridge, a pack of big greasy black and brown beetle-looking assholes are surrounding a little formation boulders. Standing on their hind legs, they swipe at the rocks with their four other limbs, while others try to push and pull away at the pile with their big ass set of horn-like pincers.

"Shit, that must be it up there! I'm going ahead, cover me when you get there!"

"What? I don't-"

"Master!"

I reach down next to Zazel and grab her Butt Ugly Spawn, clutching it in my hand like a giant glob of wet dough. "I'm borrowing this!"

She slaps my arm a couple of times. "Unhand my baby, you absolute fiend!"

"No time!"

I pull up some of my rage power, as it hits me hard and fast, cooking my throat and mouth a bit. "RRGGHH!" I push it back down, but not before coughing up some fire. Shit, gotta be careful.

Fueled by a dose of stellar rage, I hop through the bushes and up the incline like a kangaroo on crack. Branches scratch up my face and vines snag on my limbs as I rip through them like cheap paper. Then with a final, mighty leap, I soar and land right dead on top of one of those fuckin' beetle bastards.

"Sup, fuckers!"

The monsters stop and turn to me, hissing and chittering like insects, then they turn to me, their nasty little mandibles chomping and dripping with a nauseating, sloppy pus. They make a high-pitched hissing noise as they slowly close in on me.

I hear another noise, something like a bark or squeal, coming from underneath the rocks. A beetle bastard is on all sixes, trying push its pincers inside a gap of at the base of the pile.

I clutch the wet Spawn tight. "Time to put your ugly ass to work!" I hurl it at the bug poking at the rocks and it connects with a loud, wet slap.

The beetle rolls around on the ground, waving its arms and legs and shrieking. Then, the Spawn splits open, revealing an absolute horror show of a maw, with rows and rows of nasty yellowed teeth. With with two sicking crunches, the bug goes still.

Another bug fucker tries to gore me, but I punch it right in the face and its head explodes like an old tomato. Another beetle bastard jumps on my back, and it feels like it's trying to chomp the shit out of me. But its pincers and mandibles don't do a goddamn thing to my jacket or skin.

I let out an animalistic growl, then reach over and pull it off of me. Then, I throw the motherfucker down onto the dirt and start stomping the shit out of it. Its thick shell cracks, and milky green innards spill out on the ground.

The last of the bunch follow up real quick, and I meet them with a wall of punches. The fucking idiots rush into my attacks like zombies, each getting chewed up and scattered in all directions. Soon, the whole lot of them are laying around my feet in a bunch of nasty, wet chunks.

My face scrunches as I flick the bug guts and slime off my hands and arms. "Jesus fuck, that's disgusting!"

I hear Zazel and the others fighting in the brush, and the whole crew comes bursting out of the jungle and rush over to me.

"Brisket! What are you doing!?" She sees the mess on the ground and puts her hand on her chest, breathing a sigh of relief. "Oh, good. you've killed the monsters, and not the-"

"Yo, I know what I'm doing." I turn to the boulders. "Look."

The whole crew walks to the rocks.

"What is it?" Raelith asks, crouching down as the Spawn slops back to Zazel.

"I dunno. I didn't get a good look at it."

Zazel folds her arms and taps her foot. "Well, let's see the thing already."

The baby animal makes the same kind of squealing bark and moves inside the rock formation. Domina's clones surround the pile and carefully push and pull away at the rocks until its little cubbyhole is exposed.

I kneel down and look at the itty bitty creature. It's a dainty little thing that looks a lot like a baby deer. It's covered in smooth, pink fur with a few cream-colored dots by its hips. As I cock my head, it stares back at me with its big, awe-stricken black eyes. It has a long, skinny neck and long, shaky legs. Even as it shivers in fear, it's absolutely adorable. I can't help but smile.

"Well, what is it?" asks Zazel, her normal impatience flavored with curiosity.

I look at her. "It's a baby deer, or something like it."

She huffs. "A deer? Curious thing to call an animal."

I look at the little guy and hold out a hand. It makes a little squeak and shies away. "Aw, don't worry, little buddy. I'm not gonna hurt you."

Domina puts a hand on my shoulder as she kneels next to me. "Master, if I may, I believe the animal is frightened in part because of your scent. You reek of the beasts that just tried to attack it."

I look down at myself. I'm still soaked with bug juice. "I guess that makes sense."

Domina claps once and gently thrusts out her hands. There is a rush of cool, pine-scented wind, and all the guts and dirt from my duds disappear.

"Wow, that's a handy trick. Thanks, Domina. Now," I look back at the little creature, who's stopped shaking so much, "can't you tell? I'm a cool guy."

The baby animal looks at my hand, then stares me in the eye. After a few moments, he leans forward and sniffs my finger, then licks my it with his tiny little tongue.

"See, we're gonna be- OW!" I pull back and check my finger. "Little asshole bit me!"

The Elementals start cracking up big time; even Domina can't resist.

The pink deer retreats a back a bit, but doesn't seem so afraid. It's watching me, waiting to see what I do next.

"Master, perhaps if you were to offer the creature a peace offering?"

"Yeah, that's not a bad idea."

Domina reaches inside her big apron, then pulls out a small, red, plum-like fruit, and little knife. She cuts off a slice and passes it to me. "Perhaps this will do. It should be safe for the animal."

I take the slice and hold it out to the little guy. He looks at it, then at me, then sniffs it. Then, he leans forward and licks it a bit, but doesn't take it. He pulls back a little, licking his lips.

"What, you don't want it? Our fruit not good enough you?"

He points its little black nose toward me, sniffing fast and deep as he creeps forward slowly, cautious as all hell.

Everyone freezes, not wanting to spook the guy. The baby deer creeps closer, but passes up the fruit. Step by tiny step, he comes up to my body and starts sniffing up my jacket big time.

Zazel chuckles and shakes her head. "You can't be serious."

"What?"

The little thing gingerly braces its skinny legs against me and starts to nibble tug on the front pocket of my jacket.

"Wait, really? You serious?" Trying very carefully not to scare him, I glide my hand over to unzip the pocket. But he doesn't even notice; he is totally focused on his goal. He bumps and nudges my hand competitively as I slide open the zipper, and tries forces his way inside before I've even opened it half way.

"Dude, chill. I got you." I slip my fingers and slide out a strip of jerky, which he pulls out of my hand and immediately starts chowing down on. He's eating the shit out of it like he hasn't seen a meal in days.

Raelith sits next to me and watches with a big grin. "Clever creature. If he continues to eat meat like that, he may grow to be quite strong."

I nod. "Yeah, maybe. Wasn't expecting meat to be his thing, though. "

Soon, he's finished his snack and is looking right at me, wagging his little white tail. It's adorable as fuck. He starts licking my hand again.

I reach out and pet him gently. His fur is super soft, and his neck is warm and smooth. His tail wags faster, and he makes a little snorting sound.

"Aww, hey there, buddy! We're friends now, yeah?" I scratch him under his little chin. "You're a sweet little guy, aren't you?"

"We have less than an hour left, egg," says Zazel, arms folded. "We need to bring him back before-"

Raelith jumps, and cranks her battleaxe back tight. "Shh! Listen!"

The deer scampers over to me, and I scoop him up as I stand. "Yo, what's going on?"

I hear one of Domina's clones cry out in the distance, and in moments, it sounds like the whole jungle is alive. Bushes shake violently and the snapping of branches fills the air in all directions.

I stand with the baby, cradling it as it chews "Shit! There are more 'em?"

More of the ugly ass insect monsters start coming into view, streaming and skittering through the jungle like a hoard of rambling turds.

Zazel sighs and charges her hand with some of her crazy magic. "They're bugs, you lump. Of course there would be more than just a smattering of them."

"They're coming, Beautiful!" Raelith splits her battle axe into two, wielding one in each hand. She flourishes and spins them around with wild skill. "We are the axes, and they are rotten logs to be split!"

Domina draws her glowing Sword of Courage from her apron. "Master, we must prepare for battle!"

The baby whines nervously. I tuck the little guy nice and snug in my jacket and zip it up. I can feel him shaking against my stomach.

I push my shades and raise my dukes. "Okay, time to play exterminator."