Koen stumbled out of the omnivator and down the hall of the embassy. His door blooped. His shoes thunked against the wall. He got as far as the door to his suite before Laura called him.

"Come over here right now and help me with this thing!"

Koen didn't need to ask what thing.

He also didn't say, "I'm exhausted and the last thing I want to do is take care of that stupid, smelly ape." If he did, Laura would never speak to him again.

So, Koen dragged his body off the couch, his socks back onto his feet, and his tired legs down the hallway to Laura's apartment.

"Oh no," he said as he entered. "What's that smell?"

The human axilla, or armpit houses two types of sweat glands. Eccrine glands are active from birth and secrete an odorless liquid composed mostly of water. This sweat evaporates into the air and cools the body.1 Apocrine glands, however, are activated at puberty and produce an oil rich in branched-chain aliphatic amino acids.2 These, when broken down by skin bacteria,3 produces quite a lot of odor, indeed.

It smelled a bit like a locker-room and a bit like a prison cell; the onion-and-ammonia reek of a primate under psychological stress.

"Yes." Laura scraped her hair out of her face and glared at Koen. "So. A shower. The second one of the day. And you're doing it." She pointed, not at Koen and not toward her bathroom, but at her bedroom.

Koen found Mr. Grumbles there, huddled in a corner with Laura's sheets draped over his head. The cloth-covered face turned when Koen came into the room.

"Hey there, Mr. Grumbles."

Koen thought his voice sounded very kind and gentle, but Mr. Grumbles reacted as if a tiger had growled at him.

"Eep!" said the erectus, and made a dash for the door, still covered in Laura's sheet.

Wow, thought Koen, he can remember where the door is even when he can't see it. Then he thought, I really should have stepped into his way.

Mr. Grumbles tore past Koen into Laura's living room. Koen made a grab for the sheet, which also tore.

Koen took a moment to look down at the ruined fabric in his hands. Thus he gave himself time to not go into the living room with Laura, who made a sound of anguish. Mr. Grumbles mimicked her.

"Koen come in here and get him off me!"

What Koen really wanted to do was hide under this blanket, but again he mastered himself and went to pry Mr. Grumbles's arms from around Laura.

"It's okay," he panted, "it's okay." Whether to himself or Laura or Mr. Grumbles, he didn't know.

The ape did calm down, though, sandwiched between them.

Koen looked blearily at Laura who looked back at him while Mr. Grumbles petted the hair on Koen's forearms and made little "ooh, ooh" noises.

Koen was struck by an intense feeling of dislike. This little shit, he thought, but caught himself. He did not consciously label the resentment and jealousy he felt, but he did attempt to drive the emotions away. He's just an animal. Be kind.

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Mr. Grumbles's nails found a pimple and dug in.

"Ow!" said Koen and Mr. Grumbles clapped his hands over his face again.

"I mean, it's okay. You were just grooming me, weren't you?"

Laura extracted herself from the double-embrace. "Give him a shower," she ordered. "Don't use up the hot water. And he sleeps with you tonight."

She backed up until it was safe to turn, strode into her bedroom, and closed the door behind her.

Koen and Mr. Grumbles looked at each other. Mr. Grumbles grinned sheepishly.

Koen let out a long breath. "Okay," he said. "Okay, Mr. Grumbles. Let's…" He remembered his dog and did not say 'take a bath.' "Let's just…go over here."

He took Mr. Grumbles by the hand and led the ape toward Laura's bathroom. The erectus balked. Laura had already given him a bath in there, so he knew what to be afraid of. Damn.

Koen stopped tugging and tried to think. His brain felt as if it were filled with hot glue. He wondered if, in his current state, how much cognitive advantage over the erectus he actually had. "How about some food, Mr. Grumbles. Food?"

Koen stepped into the kitchenette, where he found a package of Oreos. "Aha," he said, as if to a toddler. "Cookies? Do you want a cookie, Mr. Grumbles? Yummy cookies?"

Mr. Grumbles screwed up his face in confusion, then made that beseeching grin again. He bobbed up and down as if bowing.

Koen's skin crawled. He hated to see this abject submission, and hated even more the way it made him want to dominate. Stop humiliating yourself, you stupid, worthless little pissant. I'll show you how a real human behaves. I'll show you!

He shook his head and shoved the cookie into Mr. Grumbles's free hand.

"Eep!" He dropped it.

Groaning, Koen knelt to pick up the cookie. "Here. Please! Eat it."

Mr. Grumbles took the treat and held it up between between thumb and forefinger. With his other hand, he broke off a piece, which he ground between his fingers like a geologist testing the consistency of a novel clay. Again like some geologists Koen knew, Mr. Grumbles put his finger in his mouth and tasted the sample.

His eyes widened. The corners of his mouth stretched and rose, compressing his cheeks up toward his brows. His nose crinkled, his eyes became crescents, forced almost shut by the extent of his smile.

Koen felt as if someone had grabbed him around the heart. Tears came to his eyes. Nobody, ever in his adult life, had showed him such appreciation.

"You're welcome," he said.

Mr. Grumbles tipped back his head, tossed the cookie up in the air, and caught it in his mouth. "Oooh!" he said, gave a shiver of pleasure, and held out his hands for another.

"Oh, right." Koen remembered what he was supposed to be doing. "So, follow me and I'll give you another cookie. Yeah? How about that?"

He walked past Mr. Grumbles, who pivoted like a magnet and followed him.

In the bathroom, the erectus got his cookie. He repeated the catch-food-in-the-mouth trick. Had Laura taught him that? General Graa? Koen really ought to be thinking strategically now.

Okay, so here he was with the door to his back, standing between the temporarily distracted erectus and its means of escape. The shower head gleamed from the wall, and its handle was within reach.

The embassy had showers with a single handle that could be turned to summon cold water or turned further for, eventually, warm. It took about ninety seconds for the heater to start working.

Koen considered turning on the hot water now to let it come up to temperature. That would have been a good idea before he'd lured Mr. Grumbles in here. Now, though…

Koen removed his glasses and put them on the shelf next to the sink.

"Heee?" Mr. Grumbles's head turned to follow Koen as he reached around and turned on the shower.

There was a lot of screaming.

1 Wilke, K.; Martin, A.; Terstegen, L.; Biel, S. S. (June 2007). "A short history of sweat gland biology". International Journal of Cosmetic Science. 29 (3): 169–179. doi:10.1111/j.1467-2494.2007.00387.x.

2 Lam TH, et al. Understanding the microbial basis of body odor in pre-pubescent children and teenagers. Microbiome. 2018 Nov 29;6(1):213. doi: 10.1186/s40168-018-0588-z.

3 Harker M. Psychological sweating: a systematic review focused on aetiology and cutaneous response. Skin Pharmacol Physiol. 2013;26(2):92-100. doi: 10.1159/000346930.