Pictured is a pumpkin domesticated by the Greaves of Fellow Tetrapod. Since the Greaves are cone monochromates, the pumpkins they find most attractive are pale with dark markings. [https://64.media.tumblr.com/f4d1d171d928f684b3e281e85eaaacd5/dd22e7d3d68b81a7-fa/s640x960/fac7b22970e652d3a547e55ad934bc7d64a73591.jpg]

Picture by Timothy Morris

"Hey, it's Tiny. Hi, Tiny. What's he want now? More ground-leaves? Flowers? Maybe he thinks if he eats enough flowers, he'll smell better, hey?"

The pair of voices chittered like laughing raccoons.

"I'm inviting you to a party tomorrow night in the nature park. The Pick Ambassador will be there, and the Parturians."

"Not this again. We got other customers than you, Tiny."

"You don't understand. I'm inviting you as a guest. I already have the Neurospastic Proprietress helping with the serving."

"The Neurospastic Proprietress? I love her video channel! Ugh, the one with all those stupid puppets? Shut up!" There was some skittering. "Okay, okay. I'll be there."

"Looking forward to it."

***

"Hello," came the deep, profound voice. "You have reached the Queen of the Chamber of Commerce."

"Oh. Hello," said Koen. "I thought I was calling the Monumental Didgeridoo."

"I'm sure you did. But now you find yourself…" water sloshed in the background, as if an enormous animal wallowed in self-satisfied importance, "…talking to me. Tell me, my sausage, how satisfied are you with your current employer?"

"Uh…" said Koen.

Laura poked him in the shoulder.

"I'm happy," he swallowed. "Your Majesty."

An infrasonic rumble was translated as, "Ho ho ho. She's there with you now, isn't she? Your liege-wife."

"Um!"

Laura reached up and pulled the translator closer to her with a cupped hand.

"Your Majesty," she said.

More splashing. In a vast, dark hall, tusked jaws yawned. "Human Laura. What do you have to say for yourself? How many words exactly did you exchange with my tenant-husband?"

Laura didn't need Koen's help answering this one. "Please accept my sincerest apologies for any miscommunication that may have occurred during our previous interaction with the Monumental Didgeridoo. The UN Embassy was not adequately prepared to navigate the cultural differences between our species and yours. In an attempt to bridge this gap, I did direct communication through an intermediary male."

Mark had thought Koen should make this call, and Laura had been too tired to argue with him. But the Queen of the Monumental Chamber of Commerce didn't need to know that.

"I am delighted to have this opportunity to speak with you directly," she concluded.

"Are you now? Ho ho ho."

"Yes," said Laura, but before she could continue, Koen leaned closer to the translator.

"Your Majesty, do you have a source for taro root?"

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Taro had turned out to be the most aggravating ingredient to get. Unapologetic pestering of Fling and the Greaves had uncovered nothing but medicinal (and toxic) aurum lilies, and Koen was going mad trying to find a substitute. Now, imagining the muddy corridors of the Monumental Queen's ziggurat, hope grew in Koen's chest.

"Taro root?" asked the Queen. "Clarify? Is that some sort of sexual euphemism?"

"No," said Koen, "it's the starchy corm of a—"

"I know what taro is." The translators had gained a lot of experience with this term in the past few days. "If you are making a business proposal, my sausage, you may contact one of my husbands."

"So you do have taro? Oh. What about water caltrops?"

"You've chosen a cute one, Human Laura. But do you and I have any more to discuss?"

Laura pushed Koen's shoulder until he got out of the way. "Yes, Your Majesty. I would like to take this opportunity to invite you…" Koen cleared his throat, and she considered what she knew of Monumental behavioral biology. "…That is, to extend the invitation of the UN Ambassador, who is male, to your husband." She inhaled. "The invitation is to a gathering that we are organizing to celebrate the autumnal equinox and to welcome the Parturians to the Convention."

Water sloshed condescendingly. "How much will you pay me to send them?"

Laura didn't need Koen for that one. "The esteemed Pick Ambassador and Arch-Beacon Clay are also expected to attend."

The sloshing stopped. "Oh? That is a handsome apology indeed."

"Thank you," said Laura without hesitation. "Please rest assured I will not speak so much as a word to the Monumental Didgeridoo."

"Is it just him you wanted? Just the one? Or shall I send more?"

"Well…" Koen was giving a double thumbs-up, but Laura remembered how big the Monumentals were. "Perhaps we could start with just the one."

"Between you and me, Didgeridoo is a bit of a constipated prat. I usually only send him to deal with junior species. But that isn't to say I will take it lightly if you seduce him."

"That won't be a problem," said Laura with a straight face. "We look forward to seeing him again."

***

"Proprietress?"

"Human Koen. How wonderful to hear your voice. I've missed you. I hope Mark is doing better."

"He is...uh. Yes, I'd like to invite you to a party. A Mid-Autumn Festival hosted by the UN embassy."

"Where will you hold the event?"

"In the forest."

"That sounds lovely. And how many will be there?"

Koen had spent a day thinking about nothing else. It was comforting to slip into planning mode and not think about what came after the banquet. "We're hoping for about twenty, uh, individuals. People."

"Multiple species?"

"Yes," Koen said, relieved to be dealing with someone more experienced than him in these matters. "Nine humans, three Parturians, a Pick, a Monumental, a Tensor, a Toxoplasmotic, and a Metruian. A pair of Greaves, I hope. Plus some extra space in case of unplanned guests." Who the hell knew whom Fling might invite.

"Very prudent," said Proprietress. "And the meal?"

"Traditional Cantonese Mid-Autumn Festival food," said Koen, one professional to another.

"I'll study it. And what equipment will you need?"

"Nothing complicated. We have folding tables and chairs. I'll prepare everything here at the Embassy, so all we'll need is a way to heat things up, cool them down, and do last-minute prep at plating. It's nothing I haven't…wait." Koen realized he was talking as if to a catering service. "Proprietress, I'm inviting you to the party. As a guest."

"Oh no, Human Koen." Her tinkly voice deepened, turning richer and darker as if someone had turned a dial marked "ominous glee." "Oh no, that would be impossible. I am the Proprietress."

"But—"

"I have trapped you, Human Koen! Struggle."

He did. "I don't know what Ambassador Li will say."

"It doesn't matter what he says. We know when the event will be and what you need for it. There is no way you can resist our hospitality." The voice carried the impression of a grin opening wide enough to expose fangs. "See you soon, chef."

***

"Hello, this is Ambassador Li Xuanlian. I am delighted and humbled to receive a call from the embassy of the Pick that Administers Discipline."

"Ambassador Li, the General demands that you fear him!"

"...clarify?"

"Crouch in awe! Fluff yourself in the chill of his shadow! Fear his presence, tomorrow at sundown as you celebrate. I am satisfied with my work."

"Oh, I see. Thank you. Will he bring a plus one?"