"Food, is, uh, forthcoming. Soon," said Ambassador Li.

Mark smoothed his hand over his face, which wanted to twitch. All his social skills and instincts were shrieking at him. Li was unhappy with the way this meeting was going. He would blame Mark for it, and there was no easy way to shift the blame to someone else. Unless…

He glanced up at the Quotidian, eyes calculatingly narrow. Its own eye vibrated back at him with no expression Mark could recognize.1

"Let's begin negotiations," he said.

This was something that Koen had warned him not to do, but Koen was currently on the phone with Laura, who was in the cafeteria folding lunch meat into a tube.

"Yes," said mix Sty. "Attack me."

Mark didn't know what that meant. "All we want is better, peaceful relations," he said. "Cultural exchange. Friendship."

The Quotidian's eye shuttled rapidly back and forth, up and down.2

"Yes. Now I will tell you what we would take from you: land to grow our trees upon, water to feed them and our daughters, energy so that my clone-line becomes mighty. Now, defend yourselves."

Li looked at Mark, who said, "I think her starting offer is…conquering the Earth?"

"But she's supposed to help us arrange a human cultural festival," said Li. There was a traditional dancing troupe supported by a friend of his, and he'd promised to see what he could do.

Mark didn't know, but guessed that maybe she was starting the negotiation with a high bid. Where the hell was Laura? But he couldn't ask that.

He was in way over his head, but Mark had trained himself to never show doubt. So he edited out the "I don't know," "guess," "maybe" and "I'm in over my head." The result: "She's starting with a high bid."

Ambassador Li nodded at Mark and frowned up at mix Sty. He made a cutting gesture, which she interpreted as "eager" or perhaps "hungry."

"Your conditions are unacceptable," Li said. "There is no law governing the sale of land on our Earth to nonhumans." This was a political ax he had promised his colleagues that he would grind. There were actually several owners of subtropical swamp who were more than eager to sell their land to Quotidians.

But mix Sty did not respond to Li's implied offer to deal. Instead she said, "This is not the place to hand me a baby. Distract me!"

Li looked again at Mark, who said, "translation error?"

"Entertain me!"

"Aha! Yes," said Ambassador Li. "There is a fine human tradition of dance. If we flip through a group of our finest dancers – "

Mix Sty made a cutting gesture. "We will kidnap them!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Translation error?" Mark asked hopefully. "Clarify?"

"We will grab the humans-who-move-beautifully in our jaws and inflict pain upon them until they flail for us entertainingly."

Mark wished he had not asked for clarification. He dug into his training. In a tough negotiation, ask a question you're sure will be answered "no."

"What is this?" he asked. "Did you just come here to piss us off?"

"Yes."

"Mark," said Ambassador Li.

"Please sir, I know what I'm doing," said Mark, deleting the "don't" as he spoke.

Laura arrived bearing her ham rolls in time to hear: "We are totally opposed to the conquest of humanity."

"That's understandable," said mix Sty. "But I wouldn't refuse the opportunity."

Mark stood, spreading his arms in a gesture that to a human communicated 'I am big and threatening' and to a Quotidian meant, "I am playing a silly game."

"All we want is better relations with your species."

"Oh, he shouldn't have said that," said Koen through Laura's translator.

"I am not yet sufficiently amused. Show me more human cultural activities."

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

Back in his room, Koen said. "Hmm."

"We would be delighted to," said Li. "If the problem is cost, we can pay the dancers ourselves. If your, uh, clone-line can pay the cost to transport them here, that would be enough."

"You should pay us for the added strain to our medical system. Humans are unhygienic."

Laura watched her boss consider that while Mark paced. His blood pH was rising.

"Wait," he said. "Mr. Ambassador, we haven't even established yet that she won't eat the dancers."

"Translation error. I did not say anyone would eat them," mix Sty pointed out. "That would be against the current of the law."

"You said you would put them in your mouth and inflict pain until they wiggled."

"Yes, but I would not swallow."

"That would also be unacceptable," said Li seriously.

"Sir," said Mark. "This is clearly some sort of joke. A calculated humiliation."

"That is correct," said mix Sty, "and I am growing more satisfied. You are amusing. But before I eat your small male members, my clone-sisters will need another sample."

"What?" Mark's voice had gone higher-pitched than he usually allowed. "Translation error? Clarify 'males'?"

"Clarify 'sample,'" said Laura.

"Laura, hold up the ham rolls," Koen said from the translator bug.

Mix Sty pumped her abdomen, eye fixed on the meat tubes. "Snacks. Contracts. Entertainment. Human cultural arts. You, Human Mark, glisten as well. You walk back and froth and wrinkle the skin on your head. You, Human Laura, carry glistening meat, but we will not take it until without the promise of another free sample in eight days in the riverside civic auditorium."

"Huh?" said Mark. He was totally lost, and worse, he was sure Li and Laura knew it. He looked like an idiot. He was an idiot, and his only consolation was this was the last time he'd have to be in this situation.

Koen would get out of quarantine soon. No matter how badly this meeting went wrong, this would be the last time he'd have to deal with nonhumans.

"No free samples," said Laura. "How much will you pay us for him?"

"Can we keep him forever?"

Mark gasped. "No!"

Laura glared at him. "For two hours."

Mark hugged himself, "I am not letting one of those things touch me."

Li gave him a look that said, "if we can get some hard nonhuman cash, I'll let them sell your knuckle-bones as souvenirs."

But mix Sty agreed. "No touching. Send the clown Human Mark to us in eight days, and we will release him with factor 0.003 resistance."

Ambassador Li did not need his translator to tell him today's exchange rate on Quotidian resistance-factors to dollars. If converted into kilowatt-hours, the payment mix Sty offered would light Beijing for a year.

"Done," he said. "Laura will have the contract ready for you by –."

"Brace yourself, Laura," came Koen's voice as mix Sty struck.

In one motion, the Quotidian released her grip on the ceiling and flipped her body so her mouth was aiming down toward the platter of ham rolls.

With a sound like a wet towel being snapped, her mouthparts turned inside-out and shot toward the human snack. Laura, frozen in terror, kept her scream imprisoned behind her teeth.

Mix Sty landed on the table, slurping.

"Done," she said. "I am dissatisfied with the flavor, which was too high in sodium."

"My apologies," said Koen from the translator bug.

Mix Sty swept the three humans with her twitchy gaze. "And now? Where are the snacks I brought for you? Why have you not snapped them up already? I am a busy clone and I cannot wait all day to finish this negotiation."

Laura was still trembling. Li squinched for all he was worth. Mark looked wildly from the dropped platter to the dripping nonhuman. "What?"

"Uh," came Koen's voice. "Where are those three little creatures who came in with her? There should be one for each of you."

Mark only stared at the hovering translator, waiting for something, anything, to start making sense.

"You have to eat them," said Koen.

Mark looked down. In the nearest corner of the world, a slimy little creature goggled at him.

"Mbip?" it said.

Mark took a step toward the little male Quotidian. Another. He crouched, stretching out numb, trembling fingers.

The snack darted between his legs and disappeared out the open door.

Mix Sty clattered her jaws and spread her legs. "I am amused."

"I'm pretty sure that's laughter," said Koen.

"I have no patience for your next performance, but it's true that I am busy."

"Should I chase it down?" Mark asked, hopelessly.

"We'll give you the footage of the hunt," said Laura.

"Acceptable." The Quotidian skittered across the table, scattering electronics, and leaped onto the windowsill. "Send it to my notary. She deserves a good laugh."

She opened the window and left.

Laura rushed in behind her and closed it.

Mark and Ambassador Li stared at each other, each too proud to say, "what the hell just happened?"

"Excuse me?" Koen's voice came from the translator. "Is it possible for you to catch those snacks and put them in the dumbwaiter? I'll see what I can do with them."

1Still impatience.

2Anger this time.