“I regret to inform you that your quest had been canceled,” the Guild Receptionist bowed.

“By who!? We were thuck in a cave for dayth!”

Pern had taken a candy from a “TAKE ONE” glass bowl on the reception desk, and she sucked and rolled on it in rage. On the other hand, Estelle’s own speech was crystal clear, and the story she told was the following:

A group of esteemed Adventurers took a quest on the Kitsune Clan’s behalf. This group included Pern, the S-Rank warrior; Constance, the A-Rank healer; Isaac, the A-Rank rogue, and Rick, the E-Rank Man.

While they traveled through the mountains without incident, constant rains made their journey dangerous. Unfortunately, there was a major avalanche that split the party.

After waiting in a field for a few days, Constance and Isaac returned to the Guild, and they then reported Rick and Pern as dead. Even if the erstwhile pair had survived the rockfall, they’d have been easy fodder for the masses of spiders, wolves, bats and goblin cannibals that dwelled there.

“...And since all Adventurers in the party retreated or died, the quest was recorded as a fail.” Estelle finished. “We updated your Adventure Records posthumously, in accordance with Guild Law. ”

“She’s got us there, Pern.” Rick examined a long list of rules. “She’s not trying to screw us; she’s just doing her job.”

“That’s logical, reasonable, brain-chewable and swallowable—except for the fact that I’m clearly alive! Is this my personal hell? Is that it? Am I forever doomed to be at ninety-nine percent?” Pern said, mouth puffed, as she turned toward her E-Rank Man. “Pinch me Rick. I don’t care where because this isn’t real.”

He squeezed one of her cheeks.

“Ow ow ow! It hurts! That place over there really hurts! I thought you’d pick somewhere else,” Pern said, rubbing the sensitive spot.

“Do you really think I’m that kind of person?” Rick unpinched her face.

“Even a different cheek would have been better… you made me cough out the pop…”

“What kind of Adventurer are you!?””

Pern collapsed in the middle of the Guild. Estelle stayed behind the marble counter, and the other Adventurers ignored the collapsed girl in favor of the bulletin board on the wide hall’s other side. Pern was no longer an S-Rank warrior but a young woman having a tantrum.

This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

“Ninety-nine point six…! Ninety-ninety point six percent! Just another tenth of a point and I’m an A! But that’s fine… this debasement is nothing… I’ll be happy even if I fall. I will make my personality perfect… I will make it fruitfully sweet… I will make it tough, like hard candy… I will…”

Rick leaned forwards, ignoring his partner’s tearful lament: “Do dead Adventurers still get rewards?”

Estelle, too, was well-practiced at observing chaos in the Guild Hall. The receptionist wore her smile like a taut rubber band, and if it bent even slightly it would always spring back up.

“When a quest is canceled it’s reassigned to another party. The Guild can’t give duplicate rewards, so I’m not allowed to give you your silvers or Skill Stones. However, you are free to take more from the jar of candied cherries if you wish.”

Pern twitched at the sugared fruit, and licked her lips. “That’s completely acc— unacceptable! We were promised skill stones for saving the village, and I was promised a 100% rate of success! Is this quest seriously off the books?”

“It’s possible to retake the quest if it becomes available, so I suggest you wait for the other party to finish their attempt,” Estelle said. “They’re lower ranked, so they might turn back or ask for aid.”

“That’s true.” Pern nodded. “Yes, I suppose that’s true after all. They’d have trouble slaying goblins, and dealing with the mountain creatures… if there were any left!!! We already killed them all!!!”

It would be a glorious week for Righteous Tim, Tom Hawk, and Five-Finger Sue. Unfortunately, this story is Rick and Pern’s—of two Adventurers who did all the work and would share none of the profit.

“There must be some rule you’ve overlooked,” Pern said.

“There is a rule I’ve ignored,” Estelle agreed.

“No shoes.” She pointed at Pern’s sandals. “No shirt.” She pointed at Pern’s open breastplate. “No service.” Estelle put a sign on the desk.

OUT TO LUNCH

“Wait, wait, wait! Estelle!” Pern tugged on the receptionist’s long goth skirt as she walked. “Please! Please! Please listen to me!!!!!!” She buried her face in the cloth, and Estelle’s professional smile knotted into an elusive flustered look.

“I’m okay with a ninety-nine point six quest success rate. It’ll be like living with an allergy; an itch in the back of my mind that I’ll just have to accept as a fact of life. But the thousand silver marks…! Rick could use that money!”

Estelle blinked, and Rick just shrugged. Pern was crazy, but she could sometimes be pretty cute—especially when she was being nice to someone else.

“While as a minimum wage receptionist I have no control over Guild policy… I can refer the next high award quest directly to you and Rick. Would that suffice?” Estelle asked.

“Yes! Thank you!” Pern detached herself from the receptionist and brushed herself off, though the pleading expression did not leave her. The warrior waggled one of her eyebrows as she made one last cloying request:

I was also wondering about what you said before…? Even if it’s not official, we can still take those as our prizes, right?”

The maid-receptionist covered her mouth, and just around her hand’s edge Rick could see hints of a broad, unprofessional grin.

Rick and Pern left the Adventurer's Guild, and Pern left it happy. She had stuffed herself with as many candied cherries as her cheeks would allow.