Berik went back home. His clothes had been cleaned and he had even been handed a stamina potion by the coach before he left the exquisite mansion.

Before he exited the grounds and passed through the wrought-iron gate, he gave one last look behind him. That house. No, that mansion. He could see construction being done on the side. An entire wall had been demolished. Scaffolding stood over the hole in the exposed parts, and tarps flapped in the breeze.

When he made it back to his extremely modest house, at the end of Chuckleholm Avenue, he almost felt like the events of the previous night had been just a dream. But he still held the potion bottle in his hand. He had taken it almost immediately and it hadrelieved his pounding headache. He even held his sleeve to his nose to inhale the flowery fragrance that had been left behind by the washing.

Never before had he realized exactly how poor he was. After leaving the opulent estate of the highest nobility in town, his ramshackle hovel looked like an artfully arranged dog turd. Poverty had always been in his life. Sure, he didn’t starve. He had a roof over his head. Booze was cheap and easy to get. But one missed paycheck, one broken bone, or one bad rainstorm to make the roof collapse, and he was no different than the bums further down the road. His was in a permanent and unbreakable poverty. One he could never hope to escape.

Until now.

He opened the door and found his roommate strumming a lute on the couch. Naked.

“Dandylion! What the hell, man!” Berik snapped. “We talked about this!”

The devilkin didn’t even bother to appear startled. “Sorry. I thought you moved out. Or got arrested. Or something.”

Berik marched into the house with his eyes shut. He didn’t want to see anything that he didn’t have to. Despite his best efforts, he stumbled over an empty bottle of something cheap and potent. “Go put on pants, at least.”

“Fine, fine.” Berik heard his red-skinned roommate put on some sort of clothing, and he gave it a few moments before he dared to open his eyes. When he did, Dandylion was indeed wearing pants. Pants, in the meagerest sense of the word. They covered his rear and nether regions, but the bright yellow pants couldn’t be bothered to do much more than that.

Berik gave up. He sat down on the partially collapsed chair and sighed. “What do you even call those?”

Dandylion played a quick riff on his lute. “These? They’re all the rage with the ladies. They’re called outerbloomers. They show off your butt. And you can kick really high with them.” He stood and gave a high kick just to demonstrate.

Berik winced. “You need to wear a codpiece or something with those.”

“Why?”

Berik pointed at his friend’s crotch. “I can see all the fruits in your basket.”

The devilkin’s barbed tail only thrashed with glee. “That’s just another feature of the outerbloomers.”

Berik picked up an errant bottle that had been left unattended on the low table and saw, with great dismay, that it was empty. “So, you know I got fired.”

“Sure do, bucko,” Dandylion said. “I was right there with you last night. Matching you drink for drink. Until I got bored, anyway.”

“Yeah, thanks for that.” Berik rubbed his temples. He wasn’t sure how to tell his friend his news. “I don’t want you to worry about rent, okay? I got my end.” Then he realized Dandylion probably hadn’t worried about anything in the last five years.

Dandylion only chuckled. “No worries, man. No worries.”

Point proven.

“I got another job,” Berik said.

Dandylion started playing a popular tavern song before it turned into a love ballad he had been working on for the last few years. He might have been listening.

“You won’t believe me, but I’m in a party,” Berik said, a bit louder this time.

“What, right now?” Dandylion asked. “I don’t see a party. Are you partying without me? Did you project an image of yourself and send it back to me just to torment me?”

Sometimes, Berik couldn’t believe how stupid his best friend was. Had he always been this dumb? Or had the rate of his mental degeneration accelerated lately? “No. I’m in a party. You know. In the Dungeon League.”

Dandylion stared at him, slowly comprehending what Berik just said. And then he laughed and laughed.

“I’m not joking,” Berik said. “I’m a [Fighter].”

“Wait, does this have anything to do with that fancy-looking dude who came over?” Dandylion asked.

“Dandy, I just got back. What dude? What did he want?” Berik asked.

Dandylion set his lute aside. “Yeah. He stopped by this morning. And then he gave me this.”

From a pocket in his distressingly short shorts, he pulled out a piece of paper. Berik took it and his eyes went wide.

“This is a check,” Berik said. He couldn’t get his voice to work right. It remained flat and emotionless. His brain didn’t have any energy to do more than state the obvious.

“No duh.”

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“This is a check for three months’ rent.” Berik stared at the gilded piece of paper in his hands.

“It sure is, friendo.” Dandylion looked at him with eyes full of wonder. “What did you do?”

Berik was confused. “What do you mean?”

“The fancy dude or whatever said that you stayed the night at Lord Monovodobeer. Then he hands me a paycheck for your services?” Dandylion staggered. “Am I…am I your pimp?”

“No!” Berik cried.

Dandelion raised his eyebrows. “I gotcha. You’re an independent. I respect that, but I’ll tell you right now that the world is a hard place. You need muscle to protect you. I’ll be good to you, I promise.”

“Dude. I don’t need you to be my pimp because I’m not out there turning tricks!” Berik yelled.

“Then why is Lord Monovolodor being so sweet on you? You musta blown his mind. Or, you know…” Dandylion let the thought linger in the air like some kind of verbal vandalism.

“I’m about ready to kick your ass,” Berik said. “I joined his party. We’re called the Dawnport Dragons and I’m the second [Fighter]. I don’t know why the owner of the freaking team gave you the check, but this will ensure I have a place to live for at least the next three months.”

“And what will your mom think about this?” Dandylion said.

Berik slumped to the abused couch. He already had enough for the day. “I don’t know.”

Dandelion stood next to him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. The bulge of his outerbloomers were uncomfortably close, but Berik didn’t have the motivation to shove him away.

“I’m always here for you. You know that,” Dandylion said. “We’ve been best friends since forever.”

“Yeah,” Berik said.

“Which is why I ask this with the utmost respect and concern.”

“What is it?” Berik asked.

“Do you need me to seduce your mom?”

That did it. Dandylion doubled over from the force of Berik’s breaking point.

****

Berik’s mother lived only a few houses down the street. If one wasn't looking, one couldn’t tell it was any different than the other hovels on the block. But the front lawn was tended with a little more care. No litter or refuse could be found on her front steps. Her roof wasn’t sagging and her siding wasn’t sloughing off like many of the other houses in the neighborhood.

He hustled up the front steps and knocked on the door. A shrill yapping came from the other side along with a reproachful scolding. “Get down, Rosco. Get down.”

“Hey Mom!” Berik called.

“Berik? Oh, let me get this rascal settled down. You know how he is after his nap,” his mom said. There was a sound of skittering claws on hardwood and of an unsuccessful grab.

“Rosco, you get in your crate!” his mom shouted. “Rosco! Your crate!”

A high-pitched yipping was her only answer.

“Sorry, Ber-Ber. I don’t think Rosco is ready for guests right now,” his mom said.

Berik sighed. He knew Sarah Bauer had a lot of love in her heart, but lately it was taken up by the horrible little rat of a dog. “It’s okay, Mom. I only stopped by to give you the rent.”

“Oh, good. I was about to ask,” she said. “Just slide it under the door, would you?”

“Seriously?” Berik couldn’t help but ask.

“Well, I don’t see why not!” she said.

Then Berik heard a deep, masculine voice on the other side of the door. It exchanged words with Sarah, and Rosco immediately went silent.

Oh no. Berik was hoping to avoid this. But when the door opened to reveal a fat, hairy belly, he knew it was too late. Bobbert O' Malley had answered the door. He peered at Berik with his little beady eyes as though he had never seen him before.

“Hey Bobbert. Did Rosco wake you up?” Berik asked.

Bobbert scratched at his belly and grunted something he took to be a “yes”.

“Sorry about that. Just dropping the rent check off. I’ll be on my…” Berik turned to leave but his mother stopped him.

“Ber-Ber, this amount is too much!” she said. She wrapped the bathrobe around her skinny body even more tightly and flicked the end of her lit cigarette.

“No, Mom. It’s for the next three months,” Beri,k explained.

“Did you get a promotion in the town guard?” she asked.

Berik couldn’t help but grin in embarrassment. “Ah, no. They let me go. But I have a much, much better job now.”

“Where at?” she asked.

“I’m in the Dawnport Dragons! I’m their [Fighter]!” Berik said.

Both Bobbert and Sarah stared at him.

“You know. The Dungeon League?” Berik hoped they had at least heard of the sport.

“Is this a sex thing?” Bobbert asked.

“No! It’s a sport! A team of adventurers go into dungeons and fight monsters and find treasure. It’s broadcast to taverns and clubs all across the kingdom!” Berik explained.

“That sounds dangerous, sweetie. I don’t like it,” Sarah said.

“It’s not any more dangerous than being in the town guard,” Berik said.

Sarah shook her head and cuddled the miserable little dog. “No, we don’t like it, do we, Rosco?”

“Does it have a union?” Bobbert asked. This was about the most Berik had ever heard the man speak.

“Uh. I don’t know,” Berik answered.

“If it ain’t got a union, then they’ll take advantage of you. How many vacation days do you get? How much overtime do they offer? What about advancement?” Bobbert asked.

“I…I don’t know. I know we can get promoted to higher paid divisions,” Berik said.

“You kids expect it all to be handed to you.” Bobbert shook his head and went back in the house.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Berik cried but the man was already gone.

Sarah lit another cigarette somehow, even with her hands full of the whining dog. “I support you, sweetie, I really do. And I’m proud of you for being so responsible with rent. You and your boyfriend are my best tenants.”

“What, you mean Dandylion? He’s not my boyfriend!” Berik said.

“He’s your friend, right?” Sarah asked. “Has been for years?”

“Yeah. But that doesn’t mean we’re a…a thing,” Berik said.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked.

“Well, no. Not right now.”

Sarah smiled at him. “When you feel comfortable, you can come out to me whenever.”

She set down the little black and white dog, who immediately laid a steaming log in the grass.

“Look, Mom. I’ve got to go. I just wanted to make sure you got the rent check,” Berik said. He turned to make his way back to his house when he saw his worst nightmare strolling down the road.

Dandylion was strutting down the street, still in his obscene outerbloomers, playing his lute. “Sarah, I cannot compare, O Sarah, your fine derriere!” he sang.

“Oh, stop you,” his mother blushed. “The neighbors will talk!”

Berik had to stand and endure the rest of Dandylion’s horrible improvised song. And when he was finally able to pull his friend away from his mom, he didn’t do so gently.

“By the way,” his mother called after him. “Bobbert and I are finally getting married!”

“That’s great, Mom!” Berik said with as much enthusiasm as he could. But inside, he just wanted to die. Or at least go to sleep. He had to wake up early for his first practice tomorrow, after all.