“Gender fluid, the drink that gives you options.” Said a seductive voice as a pair of alien models presented in front of a 32 ounce energy drink can, with Gizzy's roaring face on the front and a panther circling inside a cage behind it. The screen faded to black, and the theme music returned midway through the cheering and laughing track, as the clapping of the crowd faded to a stop, the camera zooming on Gizzy, still grinning and staring right at you.

“Welcome back folks, this is episode 2 of the Newlytrapped Game. We have Vinncole edging the lead over team Jacki, and everyone else sucking at life. Will the second half give them any hope, or are we just dicking with them? Find out now!”

“What just happened?” Vinn asked, looking around and worried.

“Stop thinking about it and start thinking about the questions, Vinn. Now Vinn, You seem to have the perfect marriage with no flaws, so we’re gonna pry into those flaws and bring them to light.”

“Are we being filmed online or something?” he asked.

“Of course not…these recordings are confidential and filed under therapy sessions and privy only to myself and my professional medical staff…which is also just myself. So Vinn. What does Nicole do that genuinely bothers you?”

“Yea, that’s not personal or anything. Honestly, not much, but sometimes the morbid fiction makes me uncomfortable. Like the slasher movies she seems to love. For a pacifistic sweetheart, she has weird tastes in movies.”

“Troubling. Jack, what about Vicki genuinely bothers you?”

“Very little, but sometimes she goes through antisocial phases where she isolates and avoids people, even me. I understand it, and accept it, but it bothers me a little.” He admitted.

“Hyde, surely there’s nothing about Evee that pissed you off, but on the off chance, what would it be?” she asked.

“You want a list or the top answer? She constantly lives in fictional entertainment instead of the real world we live in. If it’s not…as Vinn said, slasher films, or reading books, or playing video games, it’s dressing up as an elf to play board games with people in costumes. She dodges reality and hides in her own little world. It seems childish for someone who is older than I am.”

“Could have just said gaming too much, but you went all the way to the doghouse with that home run. Silverback, care to attempt the impossible and kick your own self in the nuts even harder than Hyde?” Gizzy asked.

“Hell no. I’m not nearly that brave or stupid. I think the thing I dislike about Dee is that she just doesn’t appreciate me. I refuse to go further.”

“Smart man, knowing when to quit. Deep lessons to be learned there, folks. And with the ladies removing their headsets let’s get this bonfire stoked. We asked your manzes what about you they genuinely find problematic.”

“Shit.” Said Evee, out of turn and fairly loud.

“Starting with Vinn and Nicole.” Gizzy informed.

“Wow, Sometimes I think he doesn’t dislike anything about me. He’s pretty deeply under the delusion that I’m perfect and well …was that a laugh track? Where are the speakers?”

“So no answer, or…” Gizzy diverted.

“Hold on, Honestly it’s probably the creepy shit I collect like the voodoo dolls and the framed roaches.”

“Ooh, that’s a close one, we’re gonna have to go to the judges on that one… Menace, is that close enough?” she asked as the camera panned to Menace looking startled, munching on a wine glass on the couch.

“…corn?” she shrugged.

“We’re giving her the points. Creepy collections of morbid shit for 5 points. Vicki, what do you think you do that grinds Jack's gears?”

“Probably taking too long to do my makeup when we go somewhere.” She said, as he hung his head to the buzzer. “Well, what else could it be?” she said, looking sad.

“Your isolation spells.” He muttered.

“Oh shit, of course it’s that. I screwed that one up. That’s on me.” She sighed.I forget you take those so personal.

“And the moment we’ve been waiting for, Nicole, what do you think you do that pisses Hyde off?” Gizzy asked.

“Everything. He just never says it. My reading, my movies, my music, my damn gaming, he thinks it’s all stupid and pointless because nobody actually dies or wins useful prizes except when I do game testing for money. Five points, right?”

“Yep, congratulations, you’re still in the game. Sorry about the…boyfriend.” She whispered.

“Yea me too.” She muttered.

“Dee…what do you think Silverback said you do that annoys him?”

“Probably nagging him. I complain a lot.”

“EEEEEhnt, wrong. He said you don’t appreciate him.”

“Oh come on, I appreciate you.” Dee complained...a lot.

“Well, you don’t ever show evidence of it. When was the last time you even noticed me pulling more than my weight? You think the rooms clean themselves, the bills just autopay and nobody checks them? Dee you thank subscribers for donating 5 dollars, but you never thank me for holding the door for you, or planning a whole evening of food and a movie on our anniversary, and 3 clubs I had to look up, locate and pay cover charges to get into.”

“They don’t have cover charges, I’m internet famous and hot. Thick girls are IN right now, my subscribers are way up.” Dee argued.

“Dee, they let YOU in free, and then they charge me. I’m basically your hired bodyguard. I hold your purse, I go get your drinks, and I let you screw other guys for fuck’s sake, Dee.”

“You said it was a turn on, and you liked 3 ways and shit.”

“I do…when I’m involved. Three ways with us and someone else not you and two guys while i drink at the bar. Half the time I don’t even get a turn, you just send me off with the guy’s girlfriend. Half the time I just buy her drinks and talk. None of them are hotter than you. I can’t get any piece hotter than you, I don’t even know how I got you. Oh right, I paid. But I’ve been involved less and less gradually to the point that several times I’ve just left for an hour, played pool with Jack, came back to the club and picked you up. Did you even notice?”

“Wha- of course I noticed. I assumed you were having a great time with the girl and lost track of time.” she bluffed.

“Hey Gizzy.” Nudged Vinn “Are we still even playing the game?”

“Probably, does it even matter?”

“I dunno, this is pretty dramatic shit, and we’re winning either way.” He said giving Nicole a discreet high-five, ending with their signature exploding Jazz hands move.

“Can we put headphones on the boys and ask the stupid gameshow shit already?” Dee barked.

“AAand we’re back. Headphones on boys. Ladies… what about your partner’s body surprised you the most?” Gizzy asked Dee.

“Ugh, Honestly, not being more alien. I’m relieved, but also I was shocked he wasn’t MORE alien instead of just a human looking guy with orange skin.”

“You sound almost disappointed.”

“Oh fuck off.” Dee snipped.

“The tension builds…” Gizzy said dramatically, “Ev-”

“Complete lack of foreplay, just give us the zero. Hyde’s gonna say how insanely massive and great his dick is, and then the buzzer sounds. Vicky, your turn.” Evee huffed angrily, bypassing Gizzy entirely.

“Oh…okay.” Vicki said, a bit taken aback and unprepared. “Um, I guess just how he seemed too perfect, and I assumed there was bound to be something off and then there wasn’t.”

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Oh, for shit’s sake.” Dee yelled. “We get it, Jack is human perfection sculpted by the gods. The rest of us didn’t get that.” she grumbled, now holding an open bottle of wine.

“Cloned, not sculpted, and just by the one goddess.” Gizzy grinned, batting her eyes and flipping her hair sarcastically. "But I do great work." she bragged. Vicki turned aggressively, which was unusual for her.

“Dee, why are you mad at me? I didn’t do anything here. I’m not a bitch for being happy and lucky and finding a perfect guy, and Nicole isn’t either, jealousy is not a good look on you, Dee.”

“You know what, you’re absolutely right. You’re not rubbing it in my face, Gizzy is. This whole game is designed to piss me off.” Dee growled.

“Actually it’s designed to stress your relationship to find the flaws in yourself and your partner, you just exceeded my expectations on how volatile you are. It’s part of the agreed upon group therapy, and I remind you that you are required to be present, not necessarily to participate, therefore you have the right to remain silent and not speak if you wish.” Gizzy said, pausing to count the seconds." You just have to not talk."

“…Oh I’m gonna participate.” Dee snipped.

“Fascinating and predictable. Nicole, same question.”

“I know what everyone is thinking, and it’s not that.” She paused.

“So the thing about your partner’s body that surprised you the most is NOT Delmarian penis?” Gizzy squinted.

“Okay fine penis, but come on, the question was obviously leading to that. I wanted to say something sweet, and I didn't wanna just holler PENIS, because Hyde's gonna do that.” she pouted.

“Not every road leads to Delmarian penis, Nicole…just all the ones for the Nicoles.” Gizzy said with a wise bow. Anyway, music off, headphones removing. Gentlemen, thank you for joining us. The question was: What part of your body surprised your lady the most, starting with Vinn.

“Penis.”

“Five points. Jack, go.”

“Wow, was not prepared for that one. I assume nothing was too surprising, I’m fairly consistent, so…nothing? Nothing surprised her at all?” he winced.

“Ooh, sorry, the answer was that you are just perfect in every way. Her words, not mine, I would change almost everything if you were my partner.” Gizzy sighed. “Hyde, your body.”

“Obviously penis. The other Nicole already just-” the buzzer interrupted. “WHAT?” he said, looking offended. “What else could have possibly surprised you?”

“I was married to Vinn before, Captain Obvious I wasn’t shocked by Delmarian penis AGAIN, what did I get amnesia? I was shocked that you did nothing at all as foreplay. Like ever. You just walk up and grab me by the waist and pick me up and if there’s no objection, away we go.”

“You rarely object, and I always stop when you do.”

“Just because I wanted sex doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be romanced first, and I know you’re not gonna, so I might as well just let you do it. I've learned you won't change.”

“This game is horrible.” Hyde groaned.

“Not for everyone,” Gizzy shrugged. “Silverback.”

“Orange skin.” He sighed, like he gave zero shits, barely flinching at the buzzer sound.

“Alright, boys, headphones on, Ladies, final question, last chance to fight for second place, Vinn and Nicole already did a clean sweep so you cannot physically win, but you CAN come in last and second so that’s worth trying your best for. Describe your partner’s performance in bed/couch with one of these classic movies, and WHY. Titanic, the matrix, fight club, Lethal Weapon. Dee?” Gizzy asked.

“The Matrix because we’re always online trying to stream the sex for viewers, and it’s his favorite movie.”

“Fight club” Evee said, glaring at Hyde. “Obvious reasons.”

“Titanic.” Said Vicki

“Because…the ship is sinking and taking forever?” asked Dee with a look of both confusion and hope that the perfect couple had some form of leak in the boat.

“Because I’ll never let go, Jack.” She smirked as Dee threw her hands up.

“Sweet, but she did in fact let him go and die immediately after saying that. Turns out rose was just a big ol lyin bitch.” Gizzy announced. “And lastly, Nicole.”

I’m also gonna say the Titanic, but strategically because I know Vinn will guess Titanic because he never saw titanic, and he probably doesn’t know the ship sunk.” She nodded.

“Bold move, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.” Gizzy cringed. “Boys, the big butts song has now been turned off and you may remove your headsets. The question was: Describe your partner’s performance in bed/couch with one of these classic movies. Titanic, the Matrix, fight club, lethal weapon. Vinn, you first.”

“Hmmm. Tough one. Fight club sounds bad, I never saw Lethal Weapon, but that also sounds bad. Gotta be the Matrix because she thinks I’m the one, and I heard everyone dies in Titanic.”

“OOF, and that breaks the potential clean sweep, that makes no difference because you won regardless of this last round, proving that even the perfect couple makes mistakes, but you win anyway. Jack, what do you think Vicki said?”

“Titanic, there’s definitely a corny Jack reference somewhere. Like... Put your hands on me, Jack.”

“Shockingly close, 5 points. Which means you are officially second place and the only hope Dee and Silverback have is that Hyde fucks this up, and Silverback doesn't, giving them a tied last instead of dead last.”

“Oh thanks.” Dee complained.

“Hyde…what movie describes your sexual performance, for the win…of not dead last place…go.”

“Titanic.” He smirked.

“WHAT!?” Evee yelled. “How did you not say fight club? All we do is dive in like a bare knuckle fight and end up sitting next to each other battered and sore like a couple of lunatics? TITANIC!?”

“It’s a giant boat and a love story. We’re nautical themed, and I’m huge!” he argued. "I never saw Fight Club! These are ancient movies!"

“It’s a story where the boat sinks, everyone drowns and rose spends her last day alive never mentioning her husband and kids because she spends 2 days yacking about the one time she banged a homeless guy and then let his ass die.”

“I never saw Titanic either!”

“No Delmarian has, apparently. Shit, maybe you’re right, you’re a giant behemoth destined to ram your way through everything, and I’m just the dumb chick sinking with it, thinking about how she could have jumped in the first act and been done already. Or I'm the iceberg just getting rammed out of nowhere with no warning and floating there like, I guess I'll just go with it!”

“So that’s no additional points, then.” Gizzy interrupted. “And for the final question. That can tie you for last place or possibly score even lower than these two…Silverback. What movie describes you in bed, according to Dee.

“Lethal weapon. Because I’m too old for this shit.” He sighed. “Plus, it’s my favorite movie.” He said as Dee facepalmed, and the non-surprising Buzzer sounded.

“The Matrix. Because we stream the sex. I thought THAT was your favorite movie.”

“See? Dee, that’s the problem. That was your ex-boyfriend’s favorite movie. I never even finished it. You didn’t even hear the question. The question was to describe MY performance, and you just made it about your streaming. You didn’t even notice I was there, because I wasn’t even needed. You don’t know anything about me, and you don’t care as long as I go through the motions and buy you shit. We just lost to Hyde, FUCKING...HYDE...because even he knows his lover more than you do, and he’s Hyde. Dee, you are a phenomenal piece of ass, you’re gorgeous and talented, and you damn well know it. But the fans can have you. I’m done. I’m too old for this shit too. You want me to be more assertive and stand up? I'm dumping you, Dee. We're done.” He said, trudging sadly away, as Dee stood there trying to think of anything truthful to say to make him wait and thinking of nothing but bullshit and lying excuses.

“What, do I do?” Dee asked frantically.

“Seems like you’ve done enough.” Evee said “Let me talk to him.” She said following his path to the exit and to presumably the weight room.

“Did I just get dumped on a dating show I got last place in? This was a disaster, you’re a terrible therapist.” She said to Gizzy.

“Oh contraire. I’m a scientist and a realist. I just learned a lot of valuable data, reinforced the faith in 2 healthy relationships, while shedding light on the problems of 2 toxic ones, had a fantastic time relieving my own stress, milked a 2 episode gameshow spoof, and got an hours worth of game night recorded for Mel, who is all alone in her room and distresses by absorbing drama of others. This wasn’t designed to fix everyone, I’m not a genie, it was designed to find the stress points and failures so you can decide if it's worth repairing or abandoning the sinking ship…and also quality reality TV, Melody is gonna love this when she gets back from her swim in Nicole’s cave pool. She really didn’t wanna be the 9th wheel anyway. Literally, all I did was ask questions and let you answer them. So what did you learn about yourself? If the answer is nothing, then your relationship was already dead. Stop blaming everyone else for your mistakes and fix something…or don’t.” Gizzy shrugged. "I don't care, Dee. you have burned me out with the complaining and unscheduled therapy. YOU are the problem."

Melody waddled through the doorway in a towel, noticing Evee rushing past her. Evee sprinted to catch up with Silverback just as he reached the living room in Vinn’s house.

“Silverback…wait.” She said. He ignored her and kept walking. “Nathan.” She said aggressively. He stopped, pausing and turning around.

“You know nobody calls me by that name. Even Dee just calls me Silverback. The guys do it out of comradery because I’m the old gray one. The pack leader, for some damn reason, that they respect. Dee only calls me Nathan when she’s pissed at me. Like I’m just the sugar daddy until I screw up bad enough to get a name.”

“Well, I’m saying it because it’s ridiculous to call you a silly nickname when you’re hurting and alone…kinda like how Evee is cute and fun until I need to remember who I am and nobody will call me Nicole. I’ve stormed out of so many fights just wishing someone, god forbid my boyfriend, just call me by my name when nobody else is around, and there’s not another one to confuse. But I’m just Evee the Evil Nicole, and you’re just the old Silverback. Nobody gets it. Hyde doesn’t get it, Dee sure as shit doesn’t get anything, and this is coming from someone who remembers being her friend for over ten years. She’s not great to any of her boyfriends, but she always dated assholes, so nobody really gave a shit. It doesn’t seem right when it’s someone like you.”

“You were right…fuck Hyde, and fuck Dee. And if nobody else can see that you’re just as much Nicole as Nicole is, then fuck them too. I’m tired of being disrespected, and you know exactly what that feels like. There’s nothing evil about you. You're not evil Nicole, you're just unlucky Nicole. I know you have to be something else, someone else to survive and out there you have to be Evee, and I have to be Silverback, but in here, where it’s just us… You’re Nicole to me.

“Thank you, Nathan.” She said standing on her tiptoes to give him a kiss and realizing the freedom in that and not having to be picked up to reach. It just felt more human.

“Now if you would like to throw the rules aside and make love, I would very happy to oblige, under the condition that you go easy on me. I’m not a 900 pound genetically engineered side of weaponized beef, I’m an old fart with worn knees, a sore back and frankly I don’t know if you could kill me if you gave it hell. You're adorable but you scare me. And I don’t care. That’s a great way to die for an old man. I could proudly limp into Eridani heaven with a smile, saying my heart gave out having sex with a cute goth girl.”

“Put the rap music on and give me 2 minutes. Do you need any kind of…medication?” she asked discreetly.

“Oh I’ll be popping pills after it’s over, to stop things from swelling but I’m not THAT old yet that I need one to start swelling. Just let me do my thing, and make sure I’m still breathing after it’s done.” He winked.