Day 1
Menace sat outside in the grass, just as the sun was setting, playing her game-buddy in the dimming light, as a hissing sound got her attention. She hunkered down flat and locked eyes with a 20-inch tall insect, like a gold spider with a centipede neck and a face halfway between a meat-flower and the asshole of Satan.
“Taco?” she asked. It lunged aggressively, fangs out and filled with hate, and with a powerful bite she severed it in half, munching on the top section like a writhing noodle, as the body flopped and twitched. She shrugged, munching away, finishing and grabbing the other wriggling half for more snack. Another one crept up on her, hiding in the tall grass. She was too busy crunching to notice, and it managed to get in close. It opened its satanic anus of a mouth, and with 4 protruding inch long fangs, it struck her bare calf. She jumped, noticing it attempting to bite her and failing to puncture her skin. She looked offended.
“Nnnnnnno!” she scolded. “Mean cookie!” she added, opening her hand and whopping it on the head. It backed away, striking her hand as she grabbed it like a toy and held it up with a squinty scrunch, trying to look mean but looking cuter somehow. She bit its head off and dropped it, continuing her snacking and returning to game play.
“MENACE!?” Yelled Leena.
“POMgranit.” She replied, holding up her hand like taking attendance.
“Where’s your Foof?” she asked seriously. Her eyes bugged out, suddenly breaking into a frantic scutter to find the puppy, realizing it could be in danger.
Jack and Vinn stood in the tunnels as Silverback finished driving the concrete bolts.
“That should old anything shy of a gorilla with a grenade launcher.” He nodded.
“So we’re connecting the houses via the creepy tunnel and then blocking off the rest of it with a big metal door.” Vinn reviewed.
“We need a clear path between the houses without any surface contact. This should be fine, and in case we ever need to go into the rest of the tunnels, we can unlock this thing.”
“So we’re actually under attack?” Vinn sighed.
“Gizzy’s prepping for a lockdown, we’re getting a head start. This group is now officially on lockdown. She said the house would be safe if we keep all windows and doors closed. it's all steel plating and half inch thick safety glass. I wanted everyone able to move between the two homes in case one was compromised. Vinn you have the big industrial fridges and storage space for supplies, and an air-access elevator we don’t, but we have a better view and security system. There are tactical advantages of both locations. Does your home have ANY gaps or cracks bigger than one inch anywhere in the walls or the floors where bugs can get through?”
“Not except the kitchen drain grate, we could weld some steel mesh over those but I think the pipe leading out is only about 2 inches.” He said as Jack’s phone buzzed.
“Oh good, everyone’s accounted for. Let’s go inside.” He said. They packed up their gear and went up the brick stairs to the mansion's basement, cleaning off roughly as they closed the secret entrance behind them.
“Alright, everyone here?” Jack said, counting to be sure.
“Jack, we’re all weirded out, what’s going on?” Dee asked.
“Okay, short version is that there has been some kind of alien bug infestation in the colony, big nasty ones. Those dead people on the news were bitten by them, they haven’t announced anything yet, we just got the heads-up as favorites.”
“Yay, nepotism.” Vinn dryly mumbled.
“How bad is this?” Vicki asked.
“Well, apparently they can’t chew through walls or swim up water lines, and they’re big enough that they can’t get into any gaps we have in the homes, so they are gonna call for a home lockdown while the bugs starve out. The bad news is that it takes a few weeks, and they have to shut down the power, since they feed on the lines.
“We’re not gonna have power?” Dee asked in a panic.
“We’ll have low power backup systems, water, and geothermal heat, we still have geo and gas, but Vinn's house's primary heat is the electric fireplace, so it’s gonna be cold there, and we have a supply system in place so we can move between the houses via the tunnels, and everything is gonna be fine. Phones and internet should still be up since they run off low power but the big TVs the main lights, the microwaves, all no good. We have battery backups and a gas generator we stole from work, so the fridges will stay running, and we just wait it out. It’ll be like a camping trip, except longer and more boring. It’s handled" he nodded.
“But we can’t go outside?” Dee asked.
“No Dee…bugs are outside.” Vicki said as if speaking to a very young child.
“Why are WE here?” Hyde asked.
“Because you’re both important to the group, and they won’t let ships take off. You two would be isolated without power, since that whole ship is basically a mobile home running on a nuclear generator. You’d be a target.” He said, as there was a knock on the door. Dee walked to the beachside of the house, staring at the sunset and not feeling like there was a bug invasion happening.
"So this is probably a bad time to mention this?” Evee Nicole squinted as Regular Nicole noticed the nose ring she was wearing and the matching one on Hyde.
“You got married.” She said almost halfway between a shock-less question and a disappointed statement.
“Before you say anything, it’s not legally binding in Delmarian or human terms, we just…don’t care what society says, and don’t even.”
“I was just gonna say-”
“That it’s a bit early, but both of us married Vinn after dating like a week. You wanna tell me we regret that?” Evee snipped.
“I really can’t say anything now can I?” Nicole said, baffled.
“Hey Vinn!” Hyde smirked. “We’re wife-twins now, we have to be friends. It’s part of the code.”
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
“You made that up.” Vinn squinted.
“Who the hell?” Jack inquired, peaking through the front door, wondering why the security alarm didn’t go off. There were 2 people at the door, both dressed in trenchcoats and the taller woman holding an umbrella.
“Who is it?” he asked. She peered up with glowing blue eyes and held up a playing card, a jack of hearts. “Shitty time for a mission, don’t you think?”
“Depends on the mission. I brought you some friends.”
“Hi.” Waved Menace. As Gizzy pushed her inside, puppy in her arms, turning and leaving. Jack stood dumbfounded as Gizzy’s voice suddenly came from behind him.
"When did you get inside the house?” He asked.
“I’m hacking the Lawyery sexbot, Jack. I’m using it to explain what’s going on.” She said, strolling out from the closet.
“You were right there, why not just step inside?” Vinn asked.
“Follow me, so everyone hears this, I’m not repeating it. Everyone listening, HYDE!! Don’t make me Fupar you, listen up… Because even the small human-passable Gizzy’s are nuclear and give off a huge energy signal. I don’t have anything not powered by fusion or antimatter, and the android runs on low DC. I'm working on some battery models but right now we got nothing running. Menace is staying with you guys, and also the puppy.”
“Why?” Hyde asked.
"Because Osirians are basically a damn homing beacon for these things, and it’s not safe if we get swarmed. Yes, we can just irradiate the area and wipe them out, but it would kill Menace and the puppy. So the wife and I are leaving her with you, and in exchange, you get protection as well, from her.”
“Protection from Menace?” Dee asked.
“Worded poorly. Menace will protect you from the bugs. We caught this on security feed, they’re already hitting Osirian homes.” She said, displaying a hologram from the robot’s eyes. “She fucked up 2 of them like they were candy. For an energy-feeder, we basically smell like a food court, but apparently they can’t bite through Menace’s skin, and she just eats them like crab Rangoon. So clearly she can handle a few if they get in somehow, and you could use that. BUT I don’t trust that a giant swarm of them couldn’t do harm, so I don’t want her near a damn bug beacon like me and the wife. And the puppy is just because she won’t go without a puppy, and we didn’t wanna make her sad. Don’t let the puppy out, he's defenseless, he’ll die"
“What do we do with the shits?” Vinn asked.
“Menace is potty-trained and Foof doesn’t shit, he’s got a very tiny power cell. It’s not any more of a beacon than a cell phone, but he doesn’t need food or make shits. Easiest dog ever. Now Menace is fairly simple, we will send her food and supplies, if you have any glassware she will eat it, so lock it up, she can open cabinets if they’re not locked. I assume you have a bath tub?”
“Several.” Jack nodded.
“Well, pick one and fill it with cold saltwater and that’s her bed. She needs water to breathe when she sleeps, and aside from that, she’s just a big kid who’s easily distracted by TV and games." SexboxGizzy yawned.
“Dad?” Menace asked, poking the robot’s arm.
“Yep, sweetie. Girl-daddy is in the robot, gonna check up on you.” She said giving her a hug.
"What if Dee pulls a Dee and opens a window or steps out to the deck?” asked Silverback.
“Well, don’t, for one. Secondly, I remotely locked the windows and doors so unless you’re Jack and have a pass-code you just can’t"
“We’re literally locked in?” Dee said.
“Yes Dee.” Gizzy said condescending her way. “That’s why it’s called a LOCKdown.”
“For how long?”
"Until the bugs starve, and we can get drones to burn them all. 2 weeks, maybe 3. Try being stuck in an icecream truck with 5 dipshits in space, or alone in a shuttle pod for 18 months. You dumbasses on Delmar can survive a few weeks indoors like hermits in a huge damn mansion with supplies. This is nothing. Hell, this is practically just an excuse to get everyone together in awkward situations…fuck, we better not be doing a series. Is this Dipshit House? I swear to Odin if this is Dipshit House the series and runs for ten seasons I’m gonna rampage.”
“So are they scary bugs?” Dee asked. Gizzy displayed a hologram. “Oh my god, it’s horrid.”
“Yea, it’s nightmare fuel. Skeleton Spiderpedes with Sarlac face."
“So we live in a glass house, and we’re gonna have to see those things crawling all over the house every morning?”
“No, of course not. Firstly, there’s not going to be any morning, because the sun is an arc reactor on a track and that’s gonna go out. So perpetual night, you won't see shit. We can project a moon, but it’s not gonna give much light, and occasionally one will crawl over the projector, and you’ll have the most horrendous bat-signal ever for a few seconds.”
“It’s that why it’s been sundown for like 2 hours?”
“I’m trying to lure them to the outer wall so we can roast them with napalm. And secondly, the windows are all smart glass, so I can just AI filter the bugs out and make it almost look like daytime. You may see a shimmer here and there like a predator walked through the yard. They probably can’t climb glass anyway. Now Menace can, so you may wake up into still perpetual night and see a 90 pound lizard stuck to the window, just get used to that, but she’s friendly"
“Hi.” She waved.
“Hi.” Dee waved, looking unhappy.
“Hi.”
“She’ll do that forever.” Gizzy said. “But don’t worry about it. It could be way worse, be glad you’re my favorite pet humans and... whatever the rest of you are. At least you weren’t one of the like 40 people swarmed and murdered by giant, horrendous fucking spiderpedes from the absolute depths of hell. Plus…here’s a bonus. We can look at this as an opportunity to study interspecies couples in one house.” She shrugged.
“Gizzy…” Jack sighed, “I swear to god if this is an experiment you set up and this is part of the fear program, and there’s really there’s no bugs…”
“Computer…remove bug filter from windows.”
“I don’t see any.” Dee said nervously.
“Wait for it.” Gizzy paused.
“Oo0OOO00ooo, Taco.” Menace yelped, bailing at the ocean side glass with a thump.”
“Oh fuck, it’s on the porch!” Dee jumped, climbing the couch.”
“Computer, bug filter on.” She said. Menace watched the bug fade to nothing and sunk slowly with a pouty face.
“...No taco.” She said, looking defeated.
“Someone get her some marbles or hard candy.” Nicole sighed.
“I’m gonna need a therapist.” Dee sighed.
“Well, you’re in luck.” Said Gizzy almost in a game show host-manner. “Because This android is also capable of swapping with several other qualified professionals including a doctor, Xenobiologist, and Therapist, which conveniently includes a sex therapist.”
“Wait…why do I need a sex therapist?” she scoffed.
“Oh, that one’s not for you.” She said as her eyes clicked back and forth between the Nicole’s and the Delmarian who’s laps they were sitting in. “I’m just saying, there’s a golden opportunity to learn some things for some people in this room. Maybe not Dee and her partner, but someone. Someone known for signing wavers for experiments tha-”
“Nope.” Vinn said suddenly.”
“Okay but if you need a regular therapist she is also available…” her eyes turned yellow. “Hello, I’m doctor Ophelia.” She said in a British accent.
“It’s just you still, but in a British accent, isn’t it?” Vinn asked dryly.
“Technically yes, but I do have 2 degrees in psychiatry and therapy, so technically yes but all still factual. Plus you’re stuck here, you need an outlet. Humans trapped in a box with no outlet tend to go insane. I’ve also been locked in prison for 2 years. This should be similar, except shorter term, and you have internet.”
“And better sex.” Joked Hyde.
“No, the sex was pretty decent… anyway, I’ll let you guys settle in. Ciao!” Gizzy said as the robot’s eyes went back to factory red.
“Hey wait, how long is this lockdown?” asked Dee, “Like honestly.” She asked. Gizzy scoffed, as well as a sex bot’s expressions can.
“Maybe a week, ten days tops. You guys got movies, groceries, medication, and each other. I’m sure it will be mildly annoying at best."
“Yea, it’s the ‘each other’ part that concerns me. We’ve never had both Nicoles or their lover moosies under the same roof before. Ten days sounds like a lot.” Dee said, nervously eyeing Hyde specifically.
“Hey, you got friends and pets. Ten days is nothing. You’re gonna kick this lockdown’s ass. You can do it. I believe in you…bubbye.” She said, powering down as the robot dropped to the floor. It switched to sex-bot auto mode and got back up, returning to its charger.
“Sexbot Gizzy is right. We’re all friends, or friends of friends, at least here.” Hyde noted. “We may annoy each other and have nowhere to go, but it’s a big house even for ten people and pets. Or 9 people and whatever Menace is.”
“Pogo.” She informed, handing him someone’s shoe.
“Nine people and pets. I once pulled an 8 day mission inside an armored truck with 3 other soldiers. This is easy mode, maggots. Let’s just consider it a vacation, and you’ll see, 7-10 days will fly by.” He assured.