“The dating game?” asked Hyde. “It’s just called that?” he scoffed at Evee

“Well, it was called the newlyWED game, but not everyone here is married. Just go with it. You never play anything with me, not even war games and medieval battle games. Gizzy thought it would help bring the group together, and it’s game night, we do that every week, and you almost never participate. It’s a couple's game, I can’t play it alone, are you really gonna just abandon me and leave me stranded on game night as the only person here who’s partner can't play along?”

“Fine, I didn’t say I wouldn’t play. We’ll destroy them all, we’re both competitive people.”

“Hyde is a game about listening and knowing your partner. We’re not gonna dominate, I just wanna see if we can even function. I wanna know if this is a one-sided relationship or if we’re both doomed, or if we’re secretly doing better than we think.” Evee sighed.

“Your lack of faith in us is a little troubling.”

Gizzybot strutted out from behind the game room corner, full dark blue suit and tie, as a clapping track and themed music played from her onboard speakers.

“Welcome to the Newlytrapped Game. The game where 4 couples compete for an unknown prize while trapped inside a complex and unable to escape my jokes. I’m your host Gizzy Eubanks, and These are the contestants.

“We know each other already.” Hyde said.

“Shut up dickhead, I’m making this fun for the readers.”

“What does that even mean?” he puzzled.

“Stop worrying about it, and start worrying about the game. Now this is the 70’s version, so the lingo might trip you up, and that’s just part of the game. But the rules are simple, I ask a series of questions, as your counterparts wear noise-canceling headphones, and you give your best answer. Then we ask your partner the same question and if you answer match, you get 5 points. The winner gets a fabulous prize, and the other 3 losers realize they suck at being a couple. It’s fun for everyone, and nobody ever goes home angry.” Gizzy smiled as the laugh track played ironically.

“We are already home.” Hyde shrugged.”

“Incorrect, 5 points from Griffindor. Let’s begin. Ladies, please apply your fancy cat-ear headsets that have been provided, and enjoy the video being displayed in front of you of people falling off things to whimsical music. Men. Your first question. Who is most often in the mood for a quickie regarding spontaneous whoopee? Vinn?”

“Uh, probably her. I like to plan out sessions, I’m not a quickie kinda guy.”

“Jack, how about you?” Gizzy asked.

“Definitely me. Vicki’s too shy to do much initiating until she’s frustrated.”

“Interesting, Hyde…we all know this but go ahead.”

“Me.” He said dryly

“Riveting shit, love the details. Silverback, what about you two?”

“Uh, That’s tricky, we usually run about 50/50 but maybe me?” he shrugged.

Alright, answers are in, the ladies have the signal to remove the headphones. Welcome back to the show, your mansices have answered the question: Who is most often in the mood for a quickie regarding spontaneous whoopee?” she repeated, emphasizing the game show host voice a little too strongly. “Nicole.” She started.

“Ooh, probably me.” She said as Vinn smirked. “He initiates more, but never anything you’d call a quickie. My mans plans that out that shit in events, but sometimes the shows are too far apart and the mood strikes, and I’m the one suggesting. So it’s me. I'm the horny bitch." she grinned cutely.

“Fantastic, that’s 5 points. Vicki, what do you think Jack said?” Gizzy asked.

“Well, he better have said himself, because I just cannot spontaneously ask for sex. I never know what to say or do without planning. He’s pretty persuasive without a plan.” She smiled, giving him a little kiss.

“Five points for ravenclaw! You people are on a role. Evee, not that anyone doubts this, but who initiates the quickies in-”

“Hyde. Constantly, relentlessly.” She said, looking annoyed.

“Okay, 5 points. And Dee, same question.

“Oh definitely me. I’m always down.” She said as the wrong answer buzzer sounded. “What?”

“Dee, you rarely initiate anything anymore. Ever since lockdown, I have to beg for it.” Silverback scoffed.

“I throw you hints and told you any time I’m up for it.”

“That’s not initiating, that’s giving me the green light to initiate, and most of the time I try, you’re busy streaming.”

“So take charge for once.” She argued.

“And this, folks, is what the game is really about.” Gizzy smiled at the audience, giving you a subtle wink.

“I take charge of everything. I do the finances, the dishes, I work 40+ hours a week, and then I try and be affectionate, and you give me the cold shoulder unless I suggest we go out somewhere.” he added.

“Anyway, moving on, so no points for you two lovebirds. Now, if the men will apply their fuzzy pink cat ear headphones, the ladies can answer some questions.

“What is the point of the design?” Hyde complained.

“Humiliation and my entertainment. They’re custom ordered for your giant damn heads and ears, so you can’t escape your fate, put on the Uwu-phones. Now ladies... What is your least important factor when choosing your partner, intelligence, his personality, or his body? Nicole?”

“Oh his body. Don’t get me wrong, Vinn has a great body but his charm and sweetness is what got me, I’d love him even if he wasn’t fucking jacked.”

“Speaking of jacked bodies, Vicky, same question. Was it Jack's jacked body, mind, or personality that was the least important factor in choosing him?”

“I hate to say it, but intelligence. Like he’s smart, but his charm isn’t calculated, it’s heartfelt, and that’s what won me over, but the first thing I noticed about him was that he’s ridiculously hot. Nobody wants to admit it, but attraction is usually physical first, so unless he was REALLY dumb, I would have still noticed his hotness, and then fallen for his gentle charm.” she nodded.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

“Gently assassinating that heart of yours, I knew his father well, the Roman charm does seem to pass along genetically. Evee. What’s about Hyde?”

“Well, apparently his personality because his calculated intelligence and kidnapping me brought us together, and he convinced me not to leave, and clearly I have a thing for that body type since I went for the first Delmarian I saw.” She said, trying to act cute and not hostile.”

“Dee, what about ol Silverback?”

“Body. Easy. He wore me down with the charm and the brains, body type isn’t as important for me as compatibility.” She said.

“Strong words of wisdom from the pornstar.” Gizzy grinned, teeth whiter than usual, “And now that the boys have removed their girly-ass kittyphones, we asked your womenfolk what part of you was the least important in their decision to pick you as a partner, your body, your intelligence or your personality. Vinn, what do you think Nicole said?”

“Body, easily. If anything, she was scared of mine at first till I charmed her. And I’m not that smart, but she finds it cute…” he shrugged.

“Sure you are, sweetie. But you’re smart enough to win me over.” She said hugging him and gaining 5 points.

“Jack, what do you think Vicki thought was the least important about you?”

“Well, Vicki is far from being superficial, but I did fix her AC when we first met, and before we had enough conversation to know if I was smart, she was drooling over me and falling for the Roman charm. So, Intelligence.” He chuckled.”

“He’s fine as hell.” Vicki grinned. “But he’s also brilliant, you just don’t know what until way later. The arms are very distracting.”

“That’s another 5 points for Team Jacki. Hyde, what about your lady?"

“Intelligence. Much like Jack My looks and charm played an initial role since Evee still saw me as a dumb brute and was unaware of my intelligence. The buzzer beeped. “Really?” he asked.

“Personality." She said with an attitude. "You basically flexed and strong-armed me into a cargo bay and then proceeded to explain your plan like a villain monologue.”

“We’ve all had those moments.” Gizzy grinned.

“I hated your personality because I thought you were just like Kraken.” Evee explained.

“So you just figured since I was smart enough to catch you and studly enough to pleasure you, that even if my personality was shit, you’d just jump on this anyway?” he asked, half annoyed and half tuned on, then annoyed again.

“We ended up together because of circumstances and your villainous plot to kill Gizzy. Hell, even now your personality is the only thing lacking. You’re built, you’re brilliant, but you act like a sentient penis half the time.” she barked, crossing her arms with a pout.

“You go girl. Men suck.” Gizzy provoked. “Speaking of men, Silverback, what do you think was the least important to Dee?”

“Body. I got dad bod and diminishing looks. I won her over with persistence and begging, she was not in it for the looks…she was in it for the money, and then found out she liked me.” he shrugged. Dee looked offended as she slowly turned and raised her eyebrows.

“Excuse me? The money? I make my own money, thank you very much.”

“By flirting for online tips…which I donated for a date. Dee you’re an onlyfans model, I asked you out, and you rejected me twice, and then I literally just bought a date with you on stream. The reason you have money is because men give you money…I’m one of them. Welcome to reality, honey. You literally dated me for the money. We still get the 5 points, right?”

“Absolutely. You’re now on the board and ready for round 2. Ladies, apply those headphones and enjoy the soothing sound of Limp Bizkit for however long the men take to answer.”

“Talk fast.” Muttered Vicki, waiting to apply the headphones till everyone else did.

“Alright Men. Going in reverse order for absolutely no reason at all, let’s begin with Silverback. Before meeting Dee, what was your body count?”

“OOf, that’s tough to keep track of at my age. Gotta be late 20’s I’ll guess 28.” He said looking less than confident.”

“Hyde, before Evee, what was your body count? Approximately.”

“Six-hundred and thirty three. Full confidence.” He said without hesitation. The other men slowly turned and leaned forward to stare in confusion.

“You’re like 13 years old... That's like 26 in human years... What?” Silverback puzzled.

“Oh, I’m calling bullshits bro.” Vinn said.

“How dare you. I have worked my entire life to earn that number, and I know it by heart. There is no margin for error or reason for doubt.” Hyde defended.

“Still calling bullshits.” Vinn muttered.

“Well bullshit or not that’s the answer he’s sticking to, so Saint Evee better be generous in her faith and forgiveness. May one of the gods bless your doghouse tonight. Jack, your body count.

“15. I’m not proud or ashamed of it.” Jack said looking sure of himself.

“And now I must call bullshit.” Objected Hyde. “You’re an assassin of high regard, no professional killer of your status is walking around with a count of 15, you are sugar-coating it. You have killed at least a hundred men.” He barked.

“Bro…” Vinn said. “This is a dating game about couples. Body count is how many chicks you’ve slept with. Wait, you’ve killed 633 people?!” Vinn squinted. Hyde looked blankly and slowly faded to the oh-shit look at his realization.

“I would like to change my answer to something far lower.” Hyde muttered.

“Too late, it’s on the screen, so it’s already cannon.” Gizzy shrugged. “Vinn, how many people have you murdered?” she japed.

“Well, one actual murder, and it was that dumbass over there. But my bodycount is 2 before Nicole.”

“Two?” asked Hyde, looking revolted and almost laughin.

“Hey, it’s not a competition, it’s a personal choice. I don’t feel ashamed of it. I loved two women, no more no less, I would have waved both of them had I know I would meet Nicole, but I embrace my past and my mistakes. It’s not pinball, it’s not just about getting the higher score. …Asshole.” He snipped as Gizzy closed the round out.

“Well with that wrapping up the last verse of Nookie, ladies, How much nookie do you think your men have scored, what is your man’s body count? We have allowed a margin of error of 5, and you gain points for every one closer for a maximum of 5 points. Starting with Dee.”

“To be clear we don’t have to mention ours do we?” Dee cringed.

“Of course not, a lady never tells.” Gizzy grinned.

“Oh good, I’m gonna say Old Silverback here is at…85.

“Oh, that’s unfortunate, he says 28.”

“Twenty eight?” She asked him “At your age?”

“Dee, I never asked your number out of respect, and you’re busting my balls for being TOO faithful?” Silverback said, looking baffled.

“You’re a swinger, it’s one of the reasons I started dating you. I assumed you got your fuck on a lot. It’s a compliment that I guessed high, dumbass.”

“I made that up so you would date me. I was always curious about it, and you’re an onlyfans girl, what was I supposed to do? I was married more years than you’ve been alive; you’re way out of my league, I’m from a very different generation and I wanted to try something different for a change, and it worked.”

“Oh so congratulations, you bought me in an auction and lied to me to get laid, god we’re so meant to be, it's stupid.” She barked.

“I love this show.” Gizzy smirked. “Evee, what’s your guess, and we may give you a little wider margin of error just for fairness.”

"Wait...WHY? That concerns me. Why am I getting a pity adjustment? How high is this number?"

"Not allowed to answer that." Gizzy yawned.

“Uh, can I just take the loss and never find out?” she asked.

“Nope.”

“I have absolutely no guess, and I’m terrified to try. I dunno, 200?" she cringed.

“Six hundred and thirty-three is the official answer.” Gizzy blurted.

“What… in the fuck, man?” she asked, looking at Hyde with bewilderment.

“She said body count, not women I’ve had sex with, I took that literally. I thought she meant literal kills. I was not allowed to change the answer" he defended.

“That’s…almost worse. Don’t, DON’T tell me the actual number, I’m afraid it’s gonna be horrible too. Hold up, you’ve killed 633 people?” she asked.

“Amateurs.” Gizzy blushed.

“I’m a soldier, Evee. I was bred to kill, did you really think It was a low number? I’m insulted you find that shameful.”

“I guess I never asked that number either because I didn’t wanna know. Were they at least armed and fighting back?”

“Some of them. The ones in the arena were. Oh, oh that bothers you, but Jack kills for a living and is the son of one of the greatest assassins on Amenthes, and I bet you’re fine with that, probably find it very sexy?” Hyde scolded.

“What does that have to do with anything?” she asked, confused and enraged.

“Jack, what is your killcount?” he blurted.

“No idea what you’re talking about. Officially on record, I’ve never taken a human life.” He said coldly.

“Good boy, Jack.” Muttered both Vicki and Gizzy at about the same time as they exchanged an awkward look. “Moving on, Vicki, what do you think Jack’s SEX...SEX body count is?”

“Oh lordly, I don’t know…it can’t be that high. Twelve?” she shrugged.

“Two points for Griffindor! Boy you love to see it.” Gizzy grinned, “And lastly, Nicole.”

“Hmm… Well, we actually discussed this, and it’s 2, not including me, which is kind of adorable.” She smiled.

“Full 5 points.” That puts the unsurprising couples near the top, and the less surprising Hyde tied for dead last.

“I was misled by the question, I should be in third place.” Hyde yelled.

“Nobody cares, and with that, we have to take a quick commercial break, and we’ll be right back to the show.” She said, waving to the reader as the camera panned out and faded to black.