“I want Canstasia.” I tell Actla as he shuffles coins from one hand to the next, counting them.
He glances at me. “Again? Don’t you want to try other flavors?”
I shake my head vigorously. “No, only Canstasia.” It was the first flavor Actla bought me, and the only one I was comfortable with.
“Okay, I’ll take citrus please, and you heard the young lady.” Actla hands the coins over the stall owner.
“You got it.” The man takes the coins then opens a door into a cellar behind him.
A blast of cool air briefly perfuses through me before he shuts the door tight. A couple seconds later he comes out carrying two things of shaved ice wrapped in a frosty palm leaf.
“Enjoy.” He hands me one of the leaves. I lift open the flap and peak inside, watching the tiny reflective crystals sparkle from the light of the glaring desert sun.
I take a lick then faintly recoil backwards, surprised by the taste.
“Whoops, looks like I got yours.” Actla watches me from the corner of his eye, looking for my reaction.
“It’s pretty good.” I admit.
How long has it been? Maybe a day?
Or could it be a couple days at this point. I don’t know. I don’t feel tired, I don’t fatigue physically or mentally. Ever since I’ve stopped counting the repetitions, my instincts are incapable of telling me the time. No matter how fast or where I slash or how many feints I put in. It’s as if he can read my mind, and every time I die. It’s instant, and I can never figure out what he’s doing.
Yeluh blood splatters on my stomach as I graze his thigh with a low attack. Tiredness sets in. I neutralize it.
I swing around and throw my sword. He avoids it.
Feebleness sets in. I nullify it.
My leg bleeds.
I swing my sword downwards.
Yeluh side steps it, grazing his arm.
Tiredness sets in. I counter it.
I loop my arms together and come down once more with another attack.
Yeluh avoids it.
Feebleness sets in. I counter it.
I bleed.
I stab forward. He gets grazed.
Tiredness sets in. I counter it
I kick him. He avoids it.
Tiredness sets in. I counter it.
I attack. He avoids.
I’m tired.
I attack.
I’m tired.
I–
—walk through the pale dusty streets with Actla, holding the palm leaf between my fingers, perpetually trying to wipe the sticky syrup off my hand to no avail.
“Singing huh?” Actla starts the conversation. ”Where’d you pick that up?”
… I stay silent, somewhat reluctant to divulge. “I haven’t really picked it up. I just… I want to try it.”
“Makes sense… But there must be a reason, yea?”
“I just… I hear you playing the heuterstring all the time… I want to make some songs together.”
”Oh.” Actla pauses before doing a double take. “Oh, that’s it? Well we can try right now!” Actla unwraps his bag from behind his back and takes out the instrument.
I immediately panic. “No no no! I-I don’t want to…” I look around self-consciously, yet not a single person was walking the streets.
“Come on, no one will hear.” Actla begins strumming with a smile.
“I don’t have any lyrics prepared.” I say.
“Then just hum it. I bet you have a really good voice.”
“Brother!” I look down and hide my face, curling into a paper ball.
“Come on~ You don’t need lessons as a beginner. Just put some passion into it.” He teases me.
“But what if I’m– No-nah-no-no! I have to at least practice before I sing with you.” I take a firm tone.
“Polly… It’s not that serious.” Actla sighs. “How about this? I’ll sing it first. Just follow along whenever you’re ready.”
…
…
…
You will never know~
…
You will drift away~
…
Don’t you drift away~
…
The lights no longer glow~
…
I close my eyes, drifting off to the peaceful collage of rain in the back.
…
Gently rocking and walking on top the waves~
…
Darkness and the moon save me if you can~
AHHHHH! I scream before springing up and twirling around in a lotus flower shape with my blades. Yeluh quickly dodges once again.
Why the hell would you just fall asleep like that?!
“Not bad. You have quick reactions.” Yeluh praises me before the familiar sensation of weakness begins creeping into my legs.
I tuck in tightly and explode forward, diving to my death once again.
“Why hello there young ma’am!” The instructor crouches down to clasps my hand. He looks up at Actla. “You said she took an interest all by herself? Well ain’t that a rarity.” He laughs. “Most of my students are only here because of their overzealous parents.”
“Oh, I know all about that.” Actla laughs back before leaning in and whispering something.
”Hmm… Alright, I’ll do my best then.” The instructor nods along.
Go slow, she’s quite shy.
“Are you going to be fine by yourself?” Actla says.
I quickly nod. Actla was scheduled to give a lecture on agricultural workflow as part of his priming as a future Agate.
”Alright, have fun then.” Actla waves goodbye before promptly leaving.
“Have you sung before? Do you know what to expect?” The instructor says.
I shake my head. “No. I’m completely new.”
“Okay, then let’s start with the basics. Try to match my pitch…”
Ah, I see. I’ve figured it out.
Twenty-nine deaths ago. I came my closest to killing Yeluh, I actually gave a sizable gash on his chest.
I have not done it again since.
And so I repeat again.
Thirty deaths ago. I came the closest to escaping. I know the way out. I know what I have to do to win.
But I have not done it again, because that’s who I am.
And so I repeat again.
Thirty-one deaths ago. I fell asleep. I was on the precipice of hell. A future where I’m captured by a psychopath who’s shown incredible perception towards my powers. Who knows what will become of me if this comes into fruition, but ironically because of the risk I accidentally took, I nearly won everything.
And so, I will not do it again, because that’s who I am.
This is why I was never able to escape my brother’s bubble.
No, that’s an unfair way to put it. My brother was always pushing me in the right direction, he’s not the one at any fault.
I never wanted to escape, because I am a worm. A worm who refuses to leave the dirt.
I look around nervously like a bunny stuck between a pack of wolves, jittery as a bird’s head bobbing around.
I rotate around dizzyingly in the middle of the street as dozens of people pass by, some ongoers not paying attention and almost propelling their knees into my short figure before stumbling away in embarrassment.
“Whoa there, don’t head out onto the street on your own next time.” Actla quickly navigates through the crowd and holds me close protectively. He carefully leads me out of the street into a more isolated area where we sit down next to each other. “You like it?” He asks.
“Yea. It was fun. How was your thing?” I ask.
“Can’t say it was very fun.” Actla chuckles. “It went well however.” He glances at me then turns back quickly.
Then he glances quickly again mischievously.
Then he turns with a slight grin on his face.
“You~ Ready~ To~ Sing?~” He ruffles my hair up but stops as soon as he sees the expression on my face.
“Sorry. Maybe a couple weeks more.” I say dejectedly.
“I promise you, it’ll be alright whenever you want to do it.” Actla looks back unperturbed, which somehow made me feel even worse.
“Maybe I should… eh…” I start but stop. “I want to continue lessons, can I come back next week?” I say instead.
Actla glances at me. “Yea sure.”
The two of us sat together silently for another five minutes before Actla told me that it was getting dark and we should be heading back.
Actla drops me off again next week, a couple hours passes and the two of us sit on that same bench again.
“Today?”
“Next time.”
“Today?”
“Next time.”
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
Today the usual bench was occupied so we sat at the one across from it.
…
“You’re not actually attending the lessons are you?” Actla says.
I close my eyes and sigh with relief. Finally.
I never talked about singing ever since that day.
Thus, I was comfortable again.
What am I doing here?
It feels simultaneously like everything and nothing has changed. I’ve made so much progress but so little. That timid little girl is neither me nor not me. Every day since Actla’s death, I’ve done bolder and bolder things, cared less and less about others, and been more and more cutthroat. To anyone that knew me in the past, I would be completely unrecognizable, yet I was still me.
The truth is–
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The truth is…
The truth…
I don't know, but... I return back as Yeluh kills me again. I have all the time in the world to think about it.
Sometimes I wonder how my death actually works.
Do I split off into another world? Every one of my deaths an alternate reality splits? Or are the people around me just as trapped as me, and they don’t even realize.
“I.”
“Can.”
“Travel.”
“Through.”
“Time.”
I say.
Yeluh looks blankly back, a small glint of curiosity shone through his eyes, but he was stationary otherwise. How else would he react? He doesn't know what I said in my past four lives.
I stare at Yeluh. How many times have you done this exact same thing? How many times will it take before you notice something off? You're so perceptive about everything else, why not this? If you knew about the life you’re stuck in right now, would you be happy? Surely not. Surely you would fight and scream to do whatever possible to escape. That’s only natural for people who feel trapped. They want to escape in any way possible. Right? That's a normal human reaction right? Everyone should feel that right? So why me? Why don't I feel it at all? Why am I forced to change all the time? Why do people have to tell me to be this or learn this or do that? Why does life have to be full of so many changes? Why...
Oh you should have never opened that mind of yours. You wanted some time to think and now here you are.
In truth. There is no answer to all of this. After all those layers you've peeled back, the pathetic self you've been trying to fight against all this time is the real you, and the you your heart truly desires.
You can never change. So don't even fight it.
I close my eyes and drift away.
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I open my eyes with my Sek plunged through Yeluh’s stomach.
He sputters a bit of blood from his mouth, leaning forward to grab my hand wrapped around the handle.
Of course, someone like him could heal that wound with no problem at all. Which is why I’m still not enough of a threat to kill yet.
I drop the Sek in my other hand, letting it clatter against the ground as I feel my body grow weak.
I fall forward loosely, letting my head fall against Yeluh’s chest as his relaxant takes effect. My breathing slows significantly, my vision goes hazy, and my skin flushes as my blood pressure drops dangerously low.
Then I explode outward, I violently twist the blade stuck into his stomach upwards, straight in the direction of his heart.
Then I grab it with both hands and jerk.
The world fades out the instant before I make contact.
It’s dark.
I open my eyes to a blue sunny sky, the crashing rain from previous completely subsided.
The first thing I feel was my heart, pounding in erratic intervals, a sharp pain reverberates through my body every single time.
It’s cold.
I glance to the side to see my arm frozen in a sheathe of blood, icy mist drifting around lazily in a dense milky cloud.
I try to sit back up but some force prevents me from moving off the ground.
I strain my neck as far as I could to the side, the entire ground was encased in a thick layer of ice, burying half my body and gluing me to the ground.
I wiggle around my free right arm a couple times before flexing tight and striking downwards with my elbow.
Crack*
A spiderweb of cracks spread from the impact point.
I strike down again.
Crack*
I feel a shift as the ice begins to move under my weight.
Crack*
Crack*
Crack*
Ice shards explode everywhere as the ice gives way and I crumble to the side. Everything except my left arm were now free.
I look at my arm to see it still grasping the blade handle stuck inside Yeluh’s chest, now a cold corpse completely trapped under the ice. A mass of frozen crimson blood stained the crystal clear ice. I jerk my knee downwards and work on freeing my other arm.
Don’t think just work. I drive my knee into the ice again, the opaque fractures gradually spreading outwards as I continue to work.
The ice finally crumbles with a crunching sound and I pull my arm out of the ground, leaving the sword stuck in Yeluh’s heart.
Finally, I turn around.
Avery stands limply trapped within a tomb of ice, her eyes glazed over with a white film, her pupils still. Her breath was coming out in white clouds, the only indication that she was still alive.
I stare at her but she doesn’t look back or even acknowledge my presence. I wave my hand a couple times before stopping.
“Hey, are you still there?” I ask.
Avery finally stirs and looks up.
Fuck.
“P-Polly? What’s happening? I can’t see anything.” Her voice shudders.
“Just focus on my voice, everything will be alright.” I say as I carefully limp over to her.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck…
It feels just like that time again.
It was like I was back in that abandoned town in the desert, in that decrepit old room again. Where I was the only one alive with the corpses of Dundee and Actla decaying and rotting in the desert heat. My heart begins speeding up, sending me to my knees as it sends shockwaves of pain rippling through every muscle in my body, but looking down through the transparent ice only made me feel worse.
These people aren’t family, they hold nothing in my life compared to Actla, they aren’t even particularly good friends or acquaintances.
However I knew, from my thousands of interactions with him, that if Yeluh wanted, he could kill all of them in an instant if he felt threatened, and that’s what he did.
“I-I’m sorry, I can’t seem to control my Tetsu very well right now, am I? I-I think I’m dying.” Avery croaks.
“I can treat you, grab my hand.” I reach out and clasps Avery’s hand into mine, instantly a spear of ice pierces all the way up my hand like a million tiny needles stabbing through my skin. The frost slowly creeps up my arm, turning my skin a ghastly blue-ish gray color inching closer and closer to my shoulder where it would soon spread to my heart, lungs and brain.
“I will fix this. I will fix this. You will be fine. Shaz will be fine. Taiga will be fine. All of you will be fine. All of you will be fine. I will fix this. I will fix this.” I whisper fervently.
I squeeze my eyes shut as a teardrop freezes on my cheek.
I then open my eyes, staring the blue sky once more.
I drive my elbow into the ice again, freeing myself gradually the same as last time.
I then hesitate, before turning around again.
What am I doing?
I slowly walk up to Avery.
Stop it.
Frost begins creeping up my arms again.
It’s over. Why are you still doing this?
I open my eyes again.
…
But this time I close my eyes.
“You've been working hard.” A familiar voice appears, casting a deep shadow over me.
I look up and gaze upwards, the decoration of a certain man’s mask burned into my mind.
Dundee.
“Of course you’re here.” I sigh.
“What? Are you unhappy to see me?” Dundee swiftly responds.
“So? What business could you possibly have here?” I ignore that question.
“Well, you seem mighty unhappy with the current outcome. Aren’t you?” He tilts his head.
“Aren’t I?” I snort before trying to smash the ice again.
However, my arm doesn’t budge.
Confused, I try to glance to the side, but my neck was stuck in as well.
I couldn’t hear anything either, the ambient background noise was completely gone, leaving just the voice of Dundee.
Wait… I squint at the sky to see the clouds frozen in place, unmoving across the sky.
And then I realize something even more alarming.
I’m not breathing.
“What have you done?” I ask. Only just realizing that my lips were not syncing with my voice.
“I don’t want to waste the precious little time I have in this world, so I hit the pause button. Don’t worry, no one else is conscious right now except for you.” Dundee explains.
So it’s just me and him.
“Yes, if you want to think about it that way.” Dundee responds.
I glare at him accusingly. “Don’t read my thoughts.”
Dundee shrugs. “What’s the worry? It’s not like your head is filled with anything particularly novel.”
“Don’t do it.” I repeat, unphased by his insult.
“If you say so.” Dundee smiles, his tone dripping with heavy sarcasm.
I sigh. No use talking to this fool.
…
I peek at him.
“What?” He looks at me inquisitively.
Nothing.
…
“Nothing.” I finally say. “Besides the point, what the hell are you going to do to fix all of this?”
“Fix what? In my perspective, this was the best possible outcome.”
“In what way?” I growl. “Look around you, how could any of this possibly be good?”
“That’s the issue, for you. You can only look around. In my opinion, you’ve actually done a pretty good job.”
“What do you mean?”
Dundee raises his fist, opening up his fingers one at a time until he opens up his entire hand. “Five victims, that is the current count, and it will stay that way if you choose to walk away now."
“You’re counting your little apprentice as one of them?”
“Yes. He won’t technically die from this, but… The two of us will never be able to step foot on this world ever again, and your curse will be lifted without my presence.”
My breath immediately catches in my throat upon hearing this. Although no air actually travels through my throat. Isn’t that… Perfect?
I shake my head. “No wait. Why can’t I simply save everyone except you and Yeluh?”
“You can do that too, but are you sure we’re the most dangerous ones here?”
“Stop with the shiftiness and tell me directly.”
“Okay then. ███ ███ █ ████ ███████ ██████ ████ ███ if you do that.”
A sudden strike of vertigo dazes me. The world swirls, breaking apart and shifting together back and forth in various ways before my vision returns back to normal.
“What about if I just kill Yeluh.” My head was still spinning.
”Then only he will die. However, you'll still be stuck with your curse.” Dundee says.
“That’s an okay trade, I’ll find some other way to deal with you afterwards.” I nod my head. “Just send me back and kill him.”
“Don’t be too hasty now.” Dundee smiles. “I’ll let you in on another option.” He leans in uncomfortably close. “How about this if you choose to save Avery and only Avery then ███ █████ ███████ ██ ████ █ ███ ████ ██ ███████ ████████ ███ ████ ███████ ██ ██████ █████, but in return the ███ ███ █ ████ ███████ ██████ ████ ███ as well.”
My head begins splitting again, somehow I understood exactly what he just said but couldn’t remember.
“What… You’re lying, there’s no way that’s possible.”
“I am not lying. You don’t know the extent of Torika and Yeluh’s knowledge about Anku.”
Torika?
“How is she involved in this? She should be nowhere near Oliviand right now.”
I remember when we split up, what she told me.
I’m heading off to right some wrongs. You’re going to be staying in Oliviand, correct?
“Yes, how long will you be gone for?”
Maybe years, who knows. It’s not totally certain if we’ll ever meet again.
“Dunno, all I know is that she’s traveling back right now.”
“Then…” If Torika’s coming… And she can ██████ █████ somehow.
I don’t know what exactly happened after that, but the next thing I knew I was sitting down next to Avery in a lucid daze. I slowly tap my leg and look at my finger. No blood.
“Come on. Avery, let’s get out of here.” I say in a trance as I stand up and walk away.
The rain begins pouring down in sheets, soaking my hair until it flops downward.
“What are you talking abou—“ Everyone flops down like a dead fish, same as usual, but this time was different in an extraordinary way.
“Who are you?” Yeluh steps out.
My hand twitches towards my blades but I restrain myself.
Who are you? It’s been so long since I’ve heard that question that it almost felt comforting.
I raise an arm to him, pointing my finger. “My name is Polly Reshidra. I will kill you one day, never forget that. You piece of scum.” I assert calmly.
Yeluh stares blankly at me before flooding my body with toxins.
I stare blankly back, completely unaffected.
It’s not working anymore. The poisons are disappearing immediately as they enter.
Yeluh frowns as his poisons are nulled one after the other. “How are you doing that?”
“Who knows.” I reach down to haul Avery off the ground, Yeluh follows my movements cautiously.
“You know I can kill her whenever I want.” Yeluh threatens.
“Will you?” I glare at him sharply. “You’re not good enough in a fight against me, especially when you can’t read my Anku.”
“How would you know that? I admit I'm not the greatest fighter in the world, but I am well practiced. You either need me alive or you're trying to save face." As usual, Yeluh was scarily close to the real reason.
“Then call my bluff. I dare you.” I leave zero room for argument, simply had no patience for that right now.
Yeluh raises his hand. I watch with bated breath as he points it directly at us. I finger a spiked ball from my ammo pouch, holding it close to my sling.
…
“Maybe not.” Yeluh lowers his arm.
I eye him carefully before hauling her over my shoulder and turning away.
“Are you not going to help your other friends?” Yeluh resigns himself to watching me as I carry her off.
“Don’t say anything else to me.” In more ways than one, Yeluh’s way and tone of speaking reminded me eerily of Dundee, but in an even more uncanny manner.
”I must apologize, the situation is a little too strange for me not to question some things.” Yeluh responds. “However if this is the way it has to be, then so it must. I will always uncover the truth one way or another.”
“Yea, good luck with that.” I turn around and take one last good long final look at Shaz and Taiga, and the old man Shaz looked up to.
I look up to the sky as the rain clears up, just as fast as it came down. I lay Avery gently down on the ferry, untie the rope from the tree and push it off into the canal.
Soon I reach an interchannel between the two currents and paddle the ferry to the other side, joining the canal going to Oliviand.
I stare at the sky for the next couple hours as we drift eastward, dusk eventually setting and bringing out the full moon.
“P-Polly? What’s happening?” Avery’s faint voice appears from down below.
I glance back as she struggles to get back on her seat.
“Where’s Shaz… And Taiga?” She says looking around, still dazed from the deep sleep she fell under.
“We were attacked by a high ranking member from the red division, fortunately I had the knowledge to resist them for a short while, but I was only able to grab you since you were right next to me.” I lie.
“Which means…” Avery’s eyes widen before she shoots off the bench. “We have to go back for them! They’re going to be killed!” She grabs my shoulders and shakes them crudely before panicking and shrinking back. “Sorry, that was rude of me.”
“They’ll both be fine for now. More importantly I have to get you to safety before I begin my search.” And also wait for Torika who’s apparently coming. I don't know if this toxin resistance is going to wear off and I’d rather not have to find out.
“I’m not that important…” Avery’s eyes turn downcast. “You should have gotten Shaz, or Taiga. Me, I’m going to be useless.”
“But I didn’t and that’s that, there’s nothing more to discuss.”
“But I’m going to be use–” Avery stops before she repeats herself. “Sorry, I’m just scared. I mean, this has never happened before and I don’t know what to do. I just want to know—“
“Avery.” I interrupt her before she finishes. “Please… Just let me steer this boat. I'm tired, okay? It’s been a long day. A very long day. If I ask for nothing else, just… Be quiet.”
Avery promptly shuts up, talking no longer about any more unpleasant things.
I couldn't remember a single thing after Dundee appeared, but the emotions still lingered inside me, triggering intense feelings of shame, reassuring Avery was the last thing on my mind right now.
I’m just pathetic.