Nine Years Ago

Yesenia

Dark thunderclouds broiled through the land; it was pitch black outside, and the onslaught of rain shattered any hope of having a restful night, but for some reason, I was elated. I remember the feeling explicitly, as if I was still in that moment, but everything else was a hazy fog.

…

“Is this what teacher called a core memory?” I stare at the ceiling while lazily flipping through my handwritten notes, squinting as I try to recall my earliest childhood memories but come up completely short. They were still there, but somehow evading me. It was in a sort of limbo, as my earliest memories were completely gone, but these still existed somewhere in my mind.

Light flashes outside, and a couple seconds later, thunder rips through the bedroom. I stare outside at the rain, watching the brief moments when the entire city flashes white for a split second when the lightning descends upon the land.

Should I ask dad? It’s so unspecific and strange though. Dad, why am I not afraid of thunderstorms? Or more specifically, why do I get excited whenever I see a storm? Am I a deviant or something?

I decide to put down my notes and sleep.

Nine and a Half Years Ago

“Happy eleventh birthday Yesenia!” A crowd of people surprise me as I walk into the dining hall.

I scour the room, Dad’s here… Hanafin, Mom, Rudeus as well, haven’t seen him lately, and some of my friends. Couple people just here to network I think, can’t really recognize them. Mmm, cool!

Argf! Argf!

My heart melts upon hearing that sound and seeing what was on the table, a baby pup wrapped in a blanket.

“Aww, who's dog is that?” I waltz up to the table and point.

“Yours! Happy birthday Yessy.” Mallefard says.

I gasp. “Really!” I run up to hug him. “Thank you so much!”

Mallefard laughs and returns the hug, patting my back. “Glad you like it, do you have a name in mind?”

”Oh ummm…” I stop to think. “Maybe… Oribu?” For some reason that was the first name that popped up in my mind.

The arm behind me grows stiff all of a sudden.

”D-dad?” I try to push out of his grasp, but his arm was locked shut.

“H-Huh? Oh, do you have another name?” Mallefard releases me, visibly shaken.

“Tiger then?” I throw something else out.

“Yea, yea, that’s a good one, let’s go with Tiger.”

Present

I look down at the floor, cracked memories I never knew I had return to my mind, fitting together like a puzzle.

“Yesenia? Are you alright?” Crux asks.

I look back up at him. His hair was visibly graying, his facial hair had grown longer, but if I think back…

“Oh. That’s what happened.” I finally remember,

Everything. My two month stay at Crux’s province, Oribu, whom I played with every day, and then never seeing them again afterwards. I always assumed that they stayed behind.

“You… Think of me as Mallefard don’t you? A second chance. Back then, during the festival, you were trying to get close to me on purpose.” Everything clicks together.

“No, you are nothing like Mallefard. His compassion was self-centered, but yours is real, and that’s why I must protect you.”

“Don’t talk about him like that!” I lash out before receding back. “I-I’m sorry. I need to step out.” I backtrack a couple meters before running up the steps and down the hallway.

It’s so unfair! He’s the reason behind my philosophy and way of life. He’s the reason I’m… well… Compassionate! I hated explicitly describing myself that way, but it was the overarching attitude held about me, and the ideal I strive to mold myself into the most. And to just say that about father, that none of what he did was ever real. It hurts me more than anyone else!

“Hey there!” I look up and hear Celestia’s voice above me. “Mind I give some quick advice?! The past is a battle you can never win against, so I wouldn’t even try.” She gives me a quick thumbs up and then disappears as another blur collides into her. *

… I glance back down and stop running.

When did this happen? I thought Crux and Dad were good friends, they never suggested anything except that. How could I have never seen that rift between them? Crux had also become disillusioned with the kingdom after his wife and daughter’s death, the very people he’d identified with calling him a traitor after murdering his loved ones. The vast majority of his allegiances and ideals shattered, the only thing he had left was… me. More accurately I was made to fill that spot unwillingly.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

I understand now, so what should I do?

“Princess Yesenia, where is Crux?” A nasty voice come up behind me, sending a shivering feeling of deja vu down my spine.

“Roxan…” I turn around.

“Grandy has informed us about the events. I’m here to pass judgment.” He says in a matter of fact tone.

“Why is it just you here?” I look around with narrowed eyes. “Don’t you people still need to discuss?”

“A decision has already been reached.” Roxan then looks to the side before pursing his lips. “Although I specifically asked to do this alone.” He says, keeping a calm expression. “It’s quite personal you see, and the rest of the court were more than happy to grant me permission.” Underneath his well-concealed veneer, his expression betrayed an ugly excitement.

“No, I will not let you anywhere near.” I scowl.

”Are you aiding the traitor?” Roxan hits me with a simple question. “No, it’s not that it’s… Please give me some time.” I try to get my thoughts together.

Roxan exhales amusingly. “What will you do for that extra time?”

”Whatever you want. Just an hour would do.”

“Then… What about getting down and licking my brogans?” Roxan casually lifts his filth-covered boots.

I internally gasp for a moment before looking down, struggling to control myself.

I think about where Hanafin, Cain, and the others were for a split second but then shake my head. I have to get through this without help. This is my problem.

“What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you just refuse instead of saying that?” I quickly look up and say.

“I’m not refusing. I’m just following up a ridiculous request with an equally ridiculous request.” Roxan doesn’t skip a beat. “What is so impossibly complex that you need an entire hour to deliberate?”

… I don’t respond. I can’t respond. There’s nothing I can say because he’s correct.

What am I even doing right now?

Crux betrayed us. The only thing I should be arguing for is to spare him from the death penalty. Trying to protect him here would be outright saying I should never be taken seriously again.

“Hanafin was right…” I murmur softly. I take a deep breath then...

“Kuh.”

“Ack.”

A sputtered sound comes out. The words were in my head but they had caught in my throat. Digging their claws into the delicate flesh of my insides, tearing out chunks as they travel up my mouth.

“Why don't you go somewhere else? We’re drafting out the plan to reinforce the northern capital, perhaps you’ll be of use there?” Roxan says.

My head continues to spin. I’m the only one who’s still trying to save Crux. Everyone else, even Crux himself, have long accepted this outcome.

I sink lower and lower into the depths of my mind. What am I doing this for? The personal connection you had was forced by Crux trying to replace Mallefard. It was deceptive and despicable. Yet here you are, still trying to save everyone. It’s ineffectual and the opposite of the decisive leadership I should be doling.

A giant dark mass blots out the surface of my mental landscape, trapping me in a suffocating inky darkness.

I’m alone in this.

I open my mouth one last time.

“Crux is alone in the cellar right now.”

Hanafin says.

I look behind my shoulder in surprise only to see a pair of fingers brushing my hair out of my eyes. He steps forward between Roxan and me.

“Brother!” I exclaim.

“Thank you, now excuse me.” Roxan steps past us.

“Wait.” Hanafin holds his arm out, pushing against Roxan with visible force.

Roxan's eyes flicker to his side.

“Explain to me. Why should Crux be punished?” Hanafin says.

“Are you crazy? He betrayed our trust and purposefully leaked our secrets to Oliviand!” Roxan fully turns his head. “How much worse do you want it to be?”

“How much of the situation do you understand? Did Grandy explain everything thoroughly?”

“He explained enough.”

“Then you should understand that we’re currently in the best case scenario. Because Crux remembered everything, we’re able to strike a decisive blow against their forces. Along with the fact that he managed to save our lives, a compelling case could be made for his reward rather than punishment.”

Hanafin…

Roxan laughs. “You two are on poppy. In no reality is doing what he did something that could be read with good intentions.”

“We know his intentions. If what he says is true then there’s no reason to punish him.”

“Ah yes, the genie gave him a choice between the death of you two or the death of millions, and he chose the death of millions. He even made the wrong choice in his facetious scenario.” Roxan begins to lose temper.

“Hold on.” I finally interject. “Celestia said that she met Rudeus a couple months ago at The Eye trying to recruit a masked person. I know her word isn’t the most reliable, but if even Rudeus values these masked existences then there’s merit in hearing Crux out or even investigating these people ourselves.” I say.

Roxan pauses then sighs. “You do realize who’s word you’re relying on right? The word of someone arguably more untrustworthy than the Tetsudo prince correct? That even if you are the heirs, there is absolutely no forgiveness for covering for a self-admitted traitor… Yes?” He makes sure to emphasize his points clearly.

The same image must have popped up in both of our minds because we both grimace at the exact same time. Hanafin glances at me.

“Okay, that’s fine.” I say. “I have faith in her.” This is who I am after all, too naive for my own good, trusting others to the grave. Refusing now would just be inconsistent. I think cynically.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is real compassion either. I silently apologize to Crux. It’s just weakness.

“Sure. I’ll follow behind my sister.” Hanafin says in an obviously reluctant tone.

“Okay then! Call the man up. I’ll call another council for you two to make your case.” Roxan shrugs and then walks away.

My knees slightly buckle, causing me to stagger over. A result from how tense I’d been holding myself. Hanafin quickly stabilizes me then looks at me with concern.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” I reply simply before holding my mouth in a bout of nausea. Huh? How hard was I suppressing myself? I feel like ants are crawling around my brain.

I gulp down the bile in both my mouth and mind then stand back up, still woozy.

“Don’t push yourself, please.” Hanafin says.

“I’ll be fine for now. Come on, we need to get as many people on our side before the meeting begins.” Just as quickly as the sickness came, just as quickly was I able to push through it and keep moving. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence, it happened many times in the past; after all, it’s simply something I have to do in order to keep up with reality.

Maybe if I was actually strong, everything wouldn’t hurt so much.

Celestia

"So? What did you want to ask me?" I told him.

"Nothing too specific, just eavesdrop as you always do and decide accordingly." Hanafin said.

I stare at a skylight somewhere in the castle, my arms and legs spread out on the granite flooring. Didn’t take very long for you to understand me.

“Okay, I won't disappoint."

*Side story 4