I pick up a white flower, before slowly walking over to the coffin, laying it down slowly on the glossy dark wood.

I look down at the tomb and stop moving, my chest slowly rising up and down for a couple minutes before I turn back to Mallefard, dressed in all black, who slowly walks forward and lays down his own flower.

There weren’t very many people in the crowd that knew Garci other than me, Mallefard, her dad and brother… Other distant friends from the long past, and Oribu had lived out in the countryside homeschooled for most of her life, so there was nobody here to mourn for her.

Only me.

“It was the rebels targeting Yesenia that killed them.”

…

Mallefard slowly turns to me in disbelief at my accusatory tone in such a public setting.

The people around us stir at the blatant disrespect.

”What? I mean I…”

”Tell me, what did you do to them that caused this? Why were they so angry at you that they killed my wife and child?”

“Look, it wasn’t what you think it was, I just— Urgh—” Mallefard recoils away in shock.

The entire procession gasps as I walk up and strike the king square in his cheek.

Quickly people stand up, but I keep staring, piercing through all the noise and clamor. Even as people shove in between us, pleading for me to calm down, I continue staring through the small gaps in the crowd. After all, to me, that man was the only person remaining in the entire world who could give meaning to their meaningless deaths. The only one who could still answer for anything, my best friend.

I continue staring at him, as he looks back at me, continuing to firmly challenge him. By all means he could let us be escorted apart here, nothing I’m able to do by myself, and he could easily avoid us ever seeing each other again, but that’s not the person I knew Mallefard as.

Mallefard’s gaze shifts back and forth from mine, before he finally squeezes his eyes shut and says. “I’ll be fine, leave us be. In fact, I ask that everyone who’s here today only out of obligation leave the chapel, please.”

Everyone freezes, before murmuring among themselves for a couple seconds. As a few turn to leave, the rest begin to follow behind until there were only four people left, me, Mallefard, and Garci’s family.

Garci’s younger brother Dain shoots both of us glances before nodding along and also turning to leave.

After a couple steps he turns around to their father, Rodney who remains seated with his arms crossed and eyes shut in a deep frown.

”Dad? Are we going to… Uh, go?” Dain asks.

”I’m staying. You go on ahead if you don’t feel comfortable.” Rodney opens his eyes wide, burning with animosity. “That’s my daughter and granddaughter in there.” His stare was also directed towards Mallefard.

”I…” Mallefard stammers before closing his mouth shut, watching as Dain hesitates before hurriedly leaving the chapel as well.

Please don’t say it.

The great doors open, letting sunlight flood to the vast chapel for a brief moment before the lights dim and the shadows creep back to the corners and walls.

I don’t even care if you lie, I wish for my image of you to linger for a moment longer.

”I— I’m sorry. Negotiations could not be met, and the disruptions were dragging on for far too long. The military was deployed to jail most of the rebels.”

…

“The hell does that mean…” My voice shakes. “You couldn’t meet negotiations. You deployed the military. It’s all you.”

I look away. I was aware; it was barely Mallefard’s fault. There were at least a dozen other people who I would consider worse offenders than he was, and there was no way he could have predicted the exact result.

But… He must have known what was going to happen. Vengeance was coming one way or another. The cycle of negativity would descend on more victims. He knows this, and I know this because of him.

”I had no choice… The pressure was mounting to do something about the rebels. Every day I let it drag on, people were getting killed on both sides.”

”Oi. Tell me what the rebels wanted that was so difficult to grant. What was the value traded for Garci’s death? Don’t you say something a lot? Everything happens for a reason? So tell me the reason.” I’m being unreasonably cruel, but there’s nothing else for me.

“Eah— Eah—“ Mallefard chokes out some sounds, unable to get himself to respond. I knew the type of person he was. My words were going to sear horribly. He wouldn’t hold on to this sort of guilt for anyone else either. After all, we’re best friends. His guilt was capable of consuming him, savagely gouging down on his corpse until there was nothing left but a splotch of blood and tendrils.

“Why am I supposed to care about any of that? Why did you bring your daughter back to the capital so soon, and why did you decide to bring Garci and Oribu as well.” Rodney interjects.

My skin turns cold and numb.

”Right? Your majesty? You were the one who asked them to come with you…” Rodney turns suspicious.

Mallefard glances between him and me for a brief moment, before taking a deep breath.

My head and gaze droops downward, everything suddenly feeling unimaginably heavy.

I was not pushing Mallefard into hell. No, it was more like I was dragging him along with me. After all, there was only one person that was at fault for Rodney's accusation, and that individual was the worst one of them all.

…

“Yes, I asked them to come.” Mallefard says.

~

I watch from a window as a group of kids kick around a ragged shoe, dirty and worn down, filled with holes and tears. A small brown-haired boy chases the shoe hopping around on a single foot on the sharp gravely ground.

”Give it back! That’s mine!” He screeches.

“Guueh Ieh baAack! Tha miiIi!” One of the kids mocks the brown haired kid before punting it to someone else.

“Heh! Think we can get his whore mother to sleep with me to get it back?”

“Whore son! Whore son!”

…

It was wrong. I know.

But it was my fault.

I was the one who found out and told my friends who Mallefard’s mother was.

I thought it was funny at first too. That’s why I told them. That’s why I liked making fun of him initially too.

But now it just makes me sick. Every time we go outside to play, it’s always the same routine once we find Mallefard. I gradually stopped participating, eventually starting to make excuses as to why I couldn’t play that day.

…

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But I continue watching.

I peek out the door as Mallefard leaves with his head down, limping away on a single foot. His shoe is still missing.

“Heeeey…” My voice trails off. What if my friends see me? If I talk to him, what’ll happen to me?

I quickly close the door and go back inside.

Today, I continued watching. Why doesn’t he avoid this place? Isn’t it kinda his fault for running into them all the time?

Today, I hung to the side as I watched my friends bully Mallefard. I couldn’t keep making excuses as to why I couldn’t go and play or else they would begin getting suspicious. I shouted some pretty awful things at him as well. If I start standing out then I might be next. I should apologize to him soon though.

Today, I found out the reason that Mallefard keeps running into us was because he needed to travel to our street for food. There was a bakery here that often threw out bad loaves of bread in an alleyway. As such it was often a hangout place for many shady bums coming from the 5th district, and also a place where I heard a lot of fights started. I saw him, and he saw me when I was at the bakery after getting sent out on an errand by my dad. He turned away quickly, as if he got spooked, but I could immediately tell that it was him.

I feel bad today. Like… Shit.

… I walk around carrying a hemp bag, my eyes darting from street corner to street corner.

This is an unfamiliar street, an area that I’ve never been before. Everyone passing by was an utter stranger to me. Are they looking at me? Oh no, do they know that I’m not from here? Oh lord, what if I get kidnapped.

I reach up to my chest, squeezing my fingers together tightly and take a deep breath. Mallefard has to walk unfamiliar streets all the time. If he can be strong, then you can be strong.

I sneak a glance behind me before swiveling forward. No, no, no! If I check my back then I’m only going to get more worried.

An adult glances at me before innocuously passing by on the street. He’s following me isn’t he? He doubled back and now he’s sneaking up behind me.

Goosebumps travel up my spine as I visualize the scenario. He’s following me. He’s right behind me, like literally inches away. It’s like when I hold my hand really close to my forehead, that icky tingly sensation. I have to turn around, I have to do it, or else I’m going to get kidnapped!

I swing around, throwing my arms up frantically, the hemp bag swinging around with my motion, hitting my forearm before bouncing off anticlimactically.

I slowly lower my arms… Till they were back to their resting positions.

…

Close one.

I turn back around.

”Ah!” Both Mallefard and I yelp at the sight of each other as soon as I turn.

“Wait I mean… Uh… wait!” I run after Mallefard as he turns tail and flees. “I have bread! So you don’t have to go to that street today!” I shake my bag.

Mallefard eyes narrow, but he pauses.

”And uhh… I’m sorry!” I bow and hold out the bag forward. I kinda blurted that out without thinking.

Mallefard’s gaze softens. “It’s alright. I can tell you were trying to be better than the others. But… I can’t take it because I don’t have any diins.”

“Diins? Oh, It’s uhhh… Free, take it.”

… Mallefard tilts his head. “Can you say something again?”

“Huh? Oh uhhhhhhhh…”

Mallefard harmoniously uhhhhhs with me, leading to self awareness about some of my speaking habits. He giggles a bit. “Feeling a bit nervous are you?”

“Uhh- I mean, Mmhm!” I clear my throat. “I’m not nervous.”

“You’re nervous.” Mallefard laughs.

”I’m not!” I say indignantly before turning away. “Are you going to take it or not?”

“I’ll take it, I’ll take it.” Mallefard reaches into the hemp bag and takes out the loaf. “It feels a bit squishy though.” Mallefard squeezes the bread.

”It’s one of those with meat inside.”

“Really!? Oh man, mom is going to love this!” Mallefard says with the broadest grin I’ve ever seen strewn across his face.

I blink a couple times. So he’s not the one eating it? Why does he look so happy?

“Why do you have to do this every time? Do you not have your own food?” I ask.

“We have our own food, but… It’s free food. If I’m going outside, I might as well grab some. Plus, it makes my mom happy.” Mallefard says.

His mom… “Isn’t it weird that your mom does that kind of stuff?” I ask.

“No, it’s not.” Mallefard says.

… I pause, waiting for further justification that never comes.

“But she’s a… You know, a whore.”

“And what?”

“And that’s wrong.”

“Because…?”

My mind immediately goes blank. “It’s uh… Weird.”

Mallefard looks away for a couple seconds with his head held downwards thinking. “Hmm… Didn’t convince me.” He looks up. “Sorry.”

“Okay! Okay! I don’t actually care that much.” I hastily change the subject.” But you have to go through that street every day, and that alleyway is so dangerous.”

“That’s not true, the alleyway people are nice, I’ve never had any trouble from them.”

“They’re from the 5th district, you know?” I lean in close and look around. “The 5th district people are very dangerous. They take and eat children at night.”

“Really? They’ve never tried to eat me. In fact, they’ve been a lot nicer to me than you people.” Mallefard says.

“It’s true! My dad always tells me this.”

“Oh… Okay?” Mallefard glances to the left. “Hey Marty!? Do you eat kids at night?” Mallefard yells very loudly.

I turn, terrified. To a sickly old man walking down the street with a cane.

“Huh? Did you get your hands on some alcohol? Drinking is bad for kids like you, ‘ll make you short when you grow up like me.” He yells back in a raspy voice. The two of them getting uncomfortable glances from everyone else walking on the street.

“I know! Thanks!” Mallefard turns back and shrugs.

“Okay… Then what about them? The uh… The group.” The group referenced being my close friends.

“Hmm… That’s a tricky one, when you guys started bullying me I really hated it for a couple weeks, almost decided not to come here anymore. But then, I just kept thinking about it. I… win every time it happens.”

“W-win?” What is he talking about?

“Yea, I win. I get bread to take home, and you guys get nothing. If I count all of you up, it’s hours of time wasted away. For all the time I spend dealing with you guys, I get a loaf of bread, but for all the time you spend dealing with me, you get nothing.” Mallefard laughs. “Some of you even leave more upset than I do when I don’t react as expected, imagine that!”

… I sit there with my mouth agape, digesting what he just said. My troubles seemed so trivial now. If we somehow switched places, he wouldn’t even be bothered about all the stupid stuff I think about. He would just be… Free.

“Uhhhhh… Can I be your friend?” I look down and mutter quietly, timid in my approach.

A couple seconds go by with no response, I look back up hesitantly only to see Mallefard’s extended hand.

“Sure, do you wanna go back to my place and meet my mom? We can eat the stuffed bread together.”

I blink a couple times. Just like that, he forgave me for causing all the bullying he experienced.

I lift my hand slowly.

But if I take his hand… What’s going to happen to me? I’ll become the friend of the kid with a whore mother. Then… Will I be…?

The hand twitches for a second,

then collapses forward firmly.

And so I became his first friend. I was finally emboldened to cut off the friend group whom I never even really meshed with all that well, only ever going out with them because our parents were good friends. Finally, I felt like I was no longer an imposter, trapped in my own head, and I could live out my true self. As expected, my former friends shunned and bullied me as well, but even though I tried my hardest, I never came close to the mentality Mallefard held at that moment.

I eventually stopped trying to imitate him. I’d correctly understood that he and I were simply two different people, that I’d need to carve out my own niche and individuality, that I couldn’t just be a follower.

I wonder when I realized it. That I’d fundamentally misunderstood Mallefard during that speech, that his ideals weren’t replicable at all. It seemed so innocuous, after all it wasn’t some complex set of rules and theories he’d adhere to; it was simply compassion, to turn the other cheek, and to always give. It’s a part of every individual, just in Mallefard’s case it was taken to a ridiculous extreme.

Or so I thought.

Mallefard’s compassion is a sick and twisted perversion of real compassion. It is incredibly forced, and only serves to satisfy his own delusion, that he is above everyone else for not adhering to his own devices, that he’s untouchable for being able to do so.

And he’s right.

Humans are simply unable to exercise the level of self control Mallefard can. In the war that constantly goes on within his mind, he has only ever lost a single battle his entire life.

And that’s why, right now, I can no longer recognize the person he is anymore.

Today is the first day he’s ever shown his weak side to me or anyone.

The king bows down, knees and head touching the ground.

“I’m sorry. I failed both of you.” He says with a quivering voice.

To anyone looking from the inside, this would be a shocking sight. The king bowing down in any situation would be political suicide, a scandal that could potentially ruin any respect he once commanded.

He lost. He wasn’t able to show compassion. It was only natural that a single man couldn’t hold the weight of the kingdom on his own. No matter how much self control he held.

And for some reason,

I couldn’t care less.

Why? I’m not angry or disappointed in him, it’s more so I’m…

I’m…

I…

I don’t know.

I’m tired of finding meaning in everything.

I still love them.

They shouldn’t have died.