Hiro slipped around one of the large stones in Central Park, pressed through some shrubbery, and reached a small clearing.
“Ah, shit,” he said as he spotted one of the strangest Hunters he’d seen yet, the man with the skull hovering over his head.
The Hunter wore black armor that looked almost as if it had been painted on. He carried a shield with a spike sticking out of its center in one arm and a whip sword in the other, the blade rimmed in fiery energy.
His head, which was three sizes larger than it should have been, had a jaw that was so pronounced it could actually hold a lantern, the man with slight beard stubble, his hair slicked back, and his dark eyes completing an unmistakably chiseled appearance.
Description: Are there microplastics in your penis?
Last month, the International Journal of Impotence Research in partnership with the Soyjak Coomer Heritage Foundation detected the first microplastics in both circumcised and uncircumcised male penises in a study that is already being attributed to an increase in podcasts, titanium cock rings, and adult diapers.
“We simply don’t know,” said Dr. X Karn Actus, toxic masculinity urologist and Yare Yare Emeritus director of male fertility and cosmic micro penile surgery of the Drizz Gyat Drip Cap Institute of Higher Learning of Kathmandu, when asked how the microplastics would affect future generations of Chads and Stacies. “There are still more experiments to be done.”
Survivor, you are looking at one of these experiments.
Having escaped from the Drizz Gyat Drip Cap Institute of Higher Learning’s secret research facility beneath the Swayambhu religious site of western Kathmandu, the Gigachad’s head grew with each successful lay and each legendary slay, resulting in the hormonal beast you see before you now.
Gigachad is rabid and horny. He is angsty and confused. He is ready to argue, his fragile male ego is on the verge of cracking, and he will fuck you up.
Gigachad stood and brandished his sword as his health bar appeared. The Hunter started to laugh upon seeing Hiro, but it soon became clear this had nothing to do with Hiro’s mask. As he laughed, the air filled with sparkling bits of what looked like dust.
Microplastics, Hiro thought, referring to the description. The cloud of microplastics created a mist around Gigachad, one that Hiro had a feeling he should avoid.
He kept his distance and Gigachad stomped, which had a way of shooting the Hunter directly to Hiro.
Clank!
Hiro narrowly blocked Gigachad’s first attack. He followed this up by casting {Kiss or Slap} to little effect.
Kiss or slap? KISS!
The Gigachad laughed even harder as he swung his sword madly at Hiro, who slipped around his opponent, only to take in a breath of microplastics and that made it feel like his lungs had filled with fiberglass. Hiro coughed, jumped to the side, rolled, and finally used {Bounce} to get out of the mist.
Hiro couldn’t stop coughing, and each one felt worse than the last.
In an attempt to change the dynamics of the fight, he sheathed his katana and retrieved his vape pen. After popping in the Decoy cartridge, he exhaled a decoy that burst into the fray to distract the Hunter.
As he had seen previously, the Decoy couldn’t actually do damage, but it did keep the Gigachad off his back as he got over his cough and thought of a new way to handle the bastard.
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Should I try one of my One Hit Wonder spells? As long as he remains in the mist of microplastics, I might not be able to do anything. What about {Lupine Shift}?
Determined not to use his big spells just yet, Hiro went with {Kore Nani Neko}, and followed this up with {Blade Whirlwind}, which did little damage to the Gigachad as it swung out of the mist in his direction, instantly appearing in front of him with several of Hiro’s phantom demon cats attached to his body.
Clank! Hiro got a quick strike in. He moved out of the way as the Hunter came down hard, once against stomping the ground and uprooting the soil.
Break his poise or I need an opening, Hiro thought.
Now out of the mist, he decided to swing in with everything he had, Hiro hacking and then pivoting, hacking and pivoting in a circle around his powerful opponent. To finally put a stop to him, Gigachad threw his arms out and released a deep bellow, one that shot soundwaves in an arc around him that tossed Hiro backward.
He hit the ground, lost his katana, and grabbed his Buster Kunai, which he tossed forward, directly into the Gigachad’s chest.
The blade ballooned in size as it pierced the Hunter, triggering a transformation as his health bar hit the halfway point. Now crouched, Gigachad yanked the Buster Kunai out of his chest and dropped it. Gigachad looked up at Hiro just as a single strand of his slicked back hair fell into his face.
His eyes jumped from Hiro to the single strand of hair.
Gigachad started sucking in deep breaths, which pulled what was left of the mist of microplastics toward him. He threw his head back and sucked in more, creating a profound change in his skin as it broke through his armor, bubbling, bulging, spiking with microplastics, and eventually coating him in a flesh suit covered in writhing veins and teeth-like protrusions.
Gigachad pulled one arm back and fired these protrusions at Hiro, who dove to the left to avoid them. The Hunter was on top of him in a matter of moments, just about to crush him when Hiro triggered his own transformation.
Hiro became a wolf and instantly felt the hunger, the rage, the hatred for the Hunter. He drove his claws into the man’s sides and pulled out strips of flesh.
Extending his head forward, Hiro bit down onto the Gigachad’s neck. He dug his teeth in even deeper, the ravenous hunger overwhelming as the Hunter kept struggling to break free. Everything blurred as he tore into Gigachad, the world moving as if it was happening in some dreamstate as Hiro continued to cut into the Hunter with his claws.
He got on top of the Hunter, grabbed his opponent by his big chin, and ripped his head off.
Hiro tossed Gigachad’s head to the side and crouched.
Come one! he screamed inside his own mind as he tried to get hold of himself. Yet the power of the lupine transformation was nearly impossible to control.
Overcome by savagery, Hiro moved back to his opponent to devour him. No, no, no! He shouted to himself. Not with all those microplastics!
His lupine form shook wildly, the transformation over.
Hiro dropped to his knees and his body shrunk back to its normal size, hands and face covered in Gigachad blood.
You have new followers!
As he caught his breath, Soul Essence poured into him, and the Hunter started to fade, leaving some questionable loot behind.
“Duct tape?” Hiro reached a shaky hand out to one of the rolls of duct tape and examined it.
Weapon: Duct Tape of the Tokugawa Shogunate
Grade: D
Description: Once Commodore Matthew Perry set his sights on Japan and began firing his cannons at the city of Uraga in 1853, the best adhesive blacksmiths employed by the Tokugawa Shogunate came up with a clever solution to stop the Americans hellbent on disrupting Japan’s isolation.
As Perry’s men stormed the beaches, ready to offload designer American goods like Levi’s skinny jeans and Old Navy Independence Day t-shirts originally made in the PRC, the shinobi tasked with defending Uraga wrapped themselves in duct tape and began their counter offensive.
As the rockets red glare, the duct-taped shinobi burst through the air, giving proof through their fight that the tape was still there. Through their armor and their incredible acrobatics, the shinobi repelled Perry’s forces, and Japan remained an isolationist country until they set their gaze on Korea…
Surprisingly durable and flexible, the Duct Tape of the Tokugawa Shogunate is a kind of instant application armor that is truly a sonofabitch to take off.
Able to repel certain sword strikes and shrapnel, this is the kind of stuff that will have you wrapping yourself up like it’s Halloween and you are putting together a last minute cyborg mummy costume.
Don’t leave home without it!
“Duct tape armor?” Hiro looked down at his arms, which were now exposed due to his wolf transformation. “Fuck it, let’s give it a try.”