Hiro was just scrambling to his feet, trying to figure out where the shot came from, when another fired in his direction.

He dove for cover as the pellets ricocheted off a tree, sending splinters into the air as the loud sound echoed in his head. Gotta keep moving, Hiro thought as he hit the ground, shifted to his side, and tried to make sense of what was firing at him as he also scanned the area for cover.

The giant vertebrae; that’s the only cover I’m going to get with shots like that, he surmised as he glanced to the huge beat that had fallen in Central Park.

In moving toward cover, he finally got a glimpse of who was firing at him.

A man in a wide brimmed pilgrim’s hat and a top that looked like something a Union general would wear quickly prepared his flintlock musket for another shot. Like the other Sentries Hiro had encountered, which he was increasingly starting to see were New York City statues that had been warped by the Doom System, the Pilgrim had a red halo around his head.

Description: A little known fact about Plymouth Rock is that it originally lay in a vast sunken continent known as Icelandia. By dating zircon crystals, a team of Nordic researchers were able to descend to the center of the Earth, not unlike Jules Verne, where they discovered a long abandoned Hot Topic that had a unique collection of sexual euphemisms in place of goth get-ups and Taylor Swift tees.

According to this ancient tome of sex they discovered, fellatio, something that everyone seems to enjoy, was once referred to as ‘twirling the stem,’ while female oral gratification was known as ‘seeking the seed.’

Another term for an erection was ‘tree of flesh,’ and an orgasm was euphemistically referred to as ‘bursting the fruit.’

The medal for best phrase probably goes to ‘splitting the melon,’ referring to rear copulation.

Sex itself was known as ‘matching the bird to the nest,’ a phrase that the man standing before you loading his flintstock musket would have no part of. You see, this man, known as the Pilgrim, would have burned down the Hot Topic in the sunken continent of Icelandia because of his Puritan nature.

The Pilgrim never copulated in any position other than missionary, but he was a big fan of what is known as ‘bundling,’ which was a practice in which a courting couple would share a bed yet be separated by a plank of wood.

To prevent himself from having an illness known as spermatorrhoea—which you’d likely call a ‘wet dream’ because of the way modern English has sullied the language—the Pilgrim wore spiked gloves, which he has on now. He should be wearing a device known as a Jugum Penis, which consisted of a steel clip with serrated teeth to deter unwanted erections, but it had yet to be invented in his time.

Too bad.

Sexually repressed, not unlike the Gigachad you recently killed, The Pilgrim doesn’t like your exotic mask. He doesn’t like who you come from or what you represent. He is fairly certain you don’t believe in the same God as him, and he is entirely sure in his reasoning for shooting you for trespassing.

After all, it is his God given American ordained right to defend his territory, which just so happens to be Central Park.

“Dude, what?” Hiro whispered as he hit back at the Pilgrim with {Blade Whirlwind}.

His opening attack petered out just before striking his opponent, yet it did cause the statue to hop off the rock it had been perched on, preventing the Pilgrim from loading his musket.

Hiro used {Bounce} to send himself up and over the Pilgrim, his mind racing as he tried to figure out what to do next. There is the energy drink called Smoke Zero, which would let him exhale smoke…

Hiro swiveled his bag around, stuffed his hand in and found the Smoke Zero can, which he popped and chugged in one big gulp.

The burp that followed was the loudest and strongest Hiro had ever produced, one lasting a full twenty seconds as he released a thick cloud of black smoke, obscuring his surroundings. He followed this up with {Kore Nani Neko}, his phantom cats all racing toward the Pilgrim and yowling in the process.

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Bang!

A shot rang out, the Pilgrim’s attempt way closer to Hiro than he would have liked.

Should I use {Sacra Limina}? Hiro thought as he moved behind one of the large vertebrae for cover. Wait. The Pilgrim is a prude. Could these batshit descriptions actually have meaning behind them? I should use {Kiss or Slap}. What if Kiss actually hurts him?

The Roulette Skill known as {Kiss or Slap} would either knock the Pilgrim down to a quarter of his normal health, or heal him back to hundred percent. Since Hiro had barely put a dent in his health bar, there was really nothing to lose.

Ka-Boom!

Another shot from the Pilgrim slammed into the vertebrae Hiro was currently crouched behind. He ducked forward, his eyes clenched shut as bits of bone and smoke blew past him.

The ground shook. Or, at least it felt that way, as if the enormous monster skeleton in Central Park had actually come to life. Focus, Hiro thought as he moved to the next vertebrae. He peaked around the corner to check the Pilgrim’s heath bar as the smoke began to clear.

Ka-Boom!

A pellet from the Pilgrim’s shot hit Hiro’s arm, where it was protected by his armored Duct Tape.

“Fuck it.” Hiro jumped into the smoke and triggered his Roulette Skill.

Kiss or Slap? KISS!

The Pilgrim let out a cry of pain as his health bar plummeted to the quarter mark.

It worked?

“It worked!” Hiro said as he bounced into the air, landed, and rushed toward the Pilgrim with his katana drawn. The Pilgrim blocked his attempt with his musket. He swiped at Hiro’s arm with his hand, which, just like the description had noted, had spikes all along the palm.

Protected by his duct tape armor, Hiro rolled past the Pilgrim and came up again. He transferred his sword into his other hand, turned it around, and used Rune of the Reverse Blade, which gave him a powerful upward slash and bleed damage.

His next attack took the Pilgrim by surprise.

It connected immediately, slicing into the Pilgrim’s forearm as he moved to block the attack. Hiro cut at another time, even as the Pilgrim tried to bat his attempts away with his spiked gloves.

His finishing attack, which saw Hiro bouncing forward and cutting the Pilgrim’s stone head off was met with thunderous applause.

You have new followers!

The Pilgrim’s body fell one way, his head the other.

His flintstone musket shattered and Hiro received a new Roulette Skill:

{Edging}

Roulette Skill

Rank: B

Type: Attack/Area of Effect

Upgrade: N/A

Description: Otolaryngologists spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking about your ear and its auditory system, which consists of three parts.

Incoming sound waves are greeted by your outer ear, which uses flesh flaps to collect the sound and send it down into your ear canal, where they vibrate a thin membrane called the eardrum.

Those vibrations are what inspired songwriter Katherine Kennicott Davis when she penned the infamous lyrics: Come they told me par rum pum pum pum, which later became an anthem in the adult film industry through such incredible films like Me and My Bum; I Played My Bum for Him; and the AVN Award winner, The Ox and the Lamb Kept Time.

While they may have their own opinions on the best adult films out there, Otolaryngologists will all agree that your world is understood through vibrations amplified by the three small bones of the middle ear only to be transmitted to the cochlea, where they are deciphered by hair cells known as stereocilia. It is here, at this crucial meeting ground for translating sound vibrations into electrical signals that the power known as Edging comes into play.

Through noises your ears cannot detect, Edging will allow you to bring your opponent to the brink of insanity. But be warned, your opponent may exhibit new traits when provoked depending on their level and MIND stat.

Important note: Edging is not the same as Gooning.

Hiro barely paid attention to the Doom System’s batshit ramblings as he focused on the last bit of info. Currently, his MIND Stat was at 2.4, which boosted by two whole points due to Roulette bonuses that would change in the next Interim.

I still don’t have access to enemy levels, but with my current buildout, Edging—God, that’s such a stupid name—could actually be helpful…

The ground came alive.

Hiro leaped out of the way as the enormous skeletal gator clawed itself from Central Park, which caused the dirt to give way. Before he could react, he was sucked into a sinkhole, falling into the void as everything around him crumbled.

The last thing Hiro remembered seeing before being covered in dirt and debris was the beast moving above, its tail swishing, all of it impossible.