“So, I am going to warn you that I left out part of my plan.” Kat suddenly declared while we were waiting at an intersection.

“Oh?” I asked with a touch of suspicion.

“One of my friends works weekends at the main store I was planning on visiting, she’s nice and I thought it might be easier to ease in with someone I know won’t be an issue.” She said giving me a quick lopsided grin.

“I guess that makes sense, do you know her from high school then?” I asked wondering if it was someone I would recognize.

“No actually, she was in the same program I am, and I met here there.” She said once we were back in the flow of traffic.

“Wait then why is she here and not closer to the school?” I asked curiously.

“She commuted.”

“But that’s like an hour each way by car!” I said incredulously.

“I know people who commute further for work, and she has to take care of a family member at home a lot.” Kat said gently.

“Oh…” I said a bit uncomfortably. “Sorry.”

Foot in mouth engage.

“What for?” She asked a little surprised. “You didn’t know.”

“I guess… I still shouldn’t be surprised.” I said.

“Eh, whatever, she won’t judge.” She shrugged. “Anyway, we are coming up on the turn, so let me concentrate for a bit.”

I felt a bit of dread while walking behind Kat toward the mall, there were a lot of people around after all, but I didn’t see anyone looking at me when glancing around.

“Hey, Sam, what part of the other people is bothering you?” Kat asked surprising me as I hadn’t noticed her stopping. “Is it them noticing what you are wearing?”

“No, it’s not that, that’s still weirdly fine with me.” I said shaking my head jerkily. “It’s that I feel out of place.”

“Oh?” Kat prompted.

“I am a pale automaton with shiny purple hair, I kinda stick out and I don’t like that!” I hissed out.

“It’s the attention that’s an issue?” Kat asked curiously.

I paused at that.

“Yeah, I guess.” I started haltingly. “I never did anything before that would mean people would want to pay attention to me, so the fact I am a spectacle just by existing makes me antsy.”

“Then try to relax, people are more likely to look at someone acting like they are out of place,” Kat said with a smile. “Take refuge in audacity and people will assume there’s a reason and not give a second glance.”

I took a deep breath and tried to follow her advice.

I mostly succeeded, but I did look around at least a couple of times on the way before I was able to drag my focus back to our destination.

“Give me a sec to find Adalynn.” Kat said while wandering off after we got in the door.

The store wasn’t one I ever had a reason to go in before, it was pretty much focused on feminine clothing with just a token section of anything else. Presumably just there for boyfriends to awkwardly hang around in. While I was glancing around at the rest of the store I tried to see if there was stuff I both recognized and could see myself wearing, I will be honest and say that mostly I was just looking at the colors or shapes because the giant names next to displays didn’t mean anything to me. My eyes did pause a bit on some of the generic store brand handbags before going to the phone being held in my left hand, having to carry the thing around all the time because it didn’t fit in these small pockets was going to get annoying.

I sighed, the little cloud of steam dissipating amongst a display of blouses.

I hope it didn’t have any negative effects on them.

“Hey, Sam!” Kat called from over my shoulder.

Turning around I found a Kat returning with a gentle-faced young woman with a pile of dark curly hair a bit darker than her skin, she startled a bit when her gaze met my face, but the smile never left her face.

“Hello Sam, I am Adalynn.” She said while offering her hand. “I knew something was up when your sister both said she would be bringing you here of all places and referred to you as her sibling instead of brother.”

“Uh yeah…” I said a bit awkwardly while shaking the offered hand, I tried to smile but I think it was a bit uncertain.

“I take it your current form is new?” She continued.

“Yeah… since Thursday’s clash.” I said while forcing myself to maintain eye contact.

An eyebrow rose sharply.

“You seem remarkably collected given your circumstances.” She said a bit bemused while releasing my hand.

Huh?

Something changed gear in my head while I was trying to align that statement with my experiences so far.

“Oh sorry!” She said holding a hand up at my expression of confusion. “I just don’t think I would have been able to leave the house at this point if I had as dramatic a change as I think you have had, and I am guessing from Kat’s stories you wouldn’t be one to wear what you are before.”

I blinked a bit at this, before glancing down at my clothes and back up.

“Um yes I was kind of a t-shirt and jeans guy, but those are uncomfortable now.” I grimaced a bit thinking about the sweats from the hospital. “They go in my joints which feels pretty bad and could tear them, and stuff like this looks better on me now anyway.”

“I don’t feel collected though,” I said not letting that comment slip away quite yet. “I feel like a basket case if anything.”

At this point, her eyebrows seemed to be attempting to escape off the top of her head.

“Friend, you are in a women’s wear store dressed up nicely and while expressing an opinion preferring what you are currently wearing over what you normally did before. And you can have a discussion on the topic when we aren’t even three days later.” She responded incredulously. “That’s better collected than half my friends are normally.”

I had a finger up and my mouth open to respond before realizing I had no idea how to counter that. I frowned and let the finger fall, the whirring in my head got louder as I considered that for a moment.

She probably has a point.

“Ok, yeah, I can see what you mean,“ I said fidgeting a bit. “But…”

“If you are going to pull up the non-human reactions stuff again, I will smack you.” Kat interrupted waggling a finger comedically to imply the threat was a joke.

“Sorry?” Adalynn said looking between us.

“Sam keeps on worrying that they are adapting too fast and that it might be because they aren’t human anymore.” She said while grabbing me in a one-armed hug and tussling my hair.

“It sounds weird when you say it, sis.” I said, steaming with embarrassment.

“Yeah, that’s why I keep on saying it doesn’t matter!” She said forcefully. “I know you aren’t certain about having it work so fast, but that question chain thing you talked about yesterday was good for you on the clothing thing.”

“Hey, wait, could you do that on the being human bit?” She asked thoughtfully.

Adalynn was looking confused at this point, so I tried to fill her.

“I did a thing yesterday when Kat asked about how I felt about wearing feminine clothing where I created like a precompiled argument for why it’s fine.” I shrugged. “It’s pretty weird because I can remember the uncertainty I had before, but now I don’t have an issue wearing them as I have an answer that says I can.”

“So you have, like, the ability to resolve internal conflicts by establishing a coherent argument and then referencing it.“ Adalynn said eyes twinkling. “That’s actually really cool!”

“It is?” I said a bit surprised.

“Yeah! You have an anti-second-guessing oneself superpower, no wonder you were so confident about what you are wearing!” She was clearly excited about this.

“Shit when you put it that way...” I noticed Kat had a wide grin at my expression. “I mean, I could try asking myself and see if it happens again, but it took like twenty minutes last time.”

“We aren’t in a rush, and we don’t even need to go anywhere after this.” Kat pointed out. “We can just drop by and return stuff for the other stores another time anyway.”

“If you want privacy, you could use one of the change rooms!” Adalynn suggested eagerly. “I am acting as the manager for the next few hours, so it’s not like I will get in trouble for it.”

----------------------------------------

It was a bit odd to be standing in a women’s wear store change room with Kat and her overly excited friend to ask myself some questions. My nervous feeling was made worse by the thought that I wasn’t even sure it was something I could do at will.

“Uh well I will give it a try, I dunno if I can or how long it will take.” I said to warn them, then looked at the mirror on the wall to help focus on the topic of the question.

Starting Chain Two

Am I human?

No, I appear to be an electro-mechanical construct in the shape of a human.

Does not being human change who I am?

I am not thinking like I was given how I am asking myself that.

Does the hardware my mind runs on change who I am?

That depends on what definition I use for what defines who I am.

What defines who I am?

The one I prefer is that memories define who a person is because your moment-to-moment choices are made based on your past actions and experiences.

Do I have all my memories?

Yes, I can recall approximately all the things I could before the change, accounting for normal human forgetfulness and post-change drift.

Do I make my choices based on my memories?

Yes, an example is that I am wearing these clothes because memories say the sweats from the hospital are less comfortable.

Do I make choices based on memories from before my body changed?

Yes, for example, I refer to Katherine by Kat because that’s what I have done since we were little kids.

If why I make any individual choice has not changed, does the hardware used to process that choice change who I am?

No.

Then am I still the same person?

Yes.

Resuming normal process

Like last time my brain was being a bit loud and I felt a bit disorientated, I started to look around the change room and found Kat was on the bench beside me fiddling with her phone.

“Yes.” I said answering the question.

“Oh hey, you’re back!” She said looking up at me while putting her phone back into her purse. “Only took ten minutes this time, yes what?”

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“Yes, I am still the same person.” I said feeling relieved at having the answer.

“I thought you were worried about adapting too fast?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, because I thought that might have meant I wasn’t the same person anymore.” I elaborated, then I realized that we were down a person. “Ah, Adalynn is gone.”

“Oh yeah, she had to help a customer,” Kat said. “She said she would be back, but we could go and find her instead.”

“Sure.”

“You ok?” Kat asked looking a bit concerned.

“Yeah, I just seem to lose track of where I am and what I was doing before following a question chain.” I blinked and shook my head a couple of times. “I think it was easier last time because we had mostly been in the same room for a while. Ok, I am good to go now.”

It didn’t look like she quite believed me but didn’t stop me from opening the door out of the change room.

We could see Adalynn was still busy initially, but she eventually caught up to us while we were looking through some blouses and was pleased to hear about the results of my question chain. When we exchanged contact info, she conspiratorially admitted that some of her friends were big into cosplaying at conventions and that they could probably get me into at least a few of them for free off my appearance alone if I wanted. While I can’t say I have ever actually wanted to go to a con, I said I would consider it.

She ended up being very helpful with picking out clothes, as I had no idea what I was doing, and Kat admitted Mom had mostly been the one picking stuff out last time and that she had been acting as a veto. Given most of the time I encountered her at school she was also wearing a t-shirt and jeans, I can’t say I was too surprised. I have seen her nicely dressed up before obviously, but I was starting to wonder if Adalynn had been involved in that too.

The rest of the trip mostly went by in a flurry of trips to the change room, debating the merits of individual articles of clothing, and Adalynn emerging with something we hadn’t seen before. After I ran out of the ability to pay attention to clothes, we bade Adalynn farewell and did a turbo speed pass-through of the other stores for returning the rejects from yesterday. We went through the inside of the mall for that, but it went surprisingly ok for me as I was mostly able to ignore any attention we were drawing.

“So how was that?” Kat asked as we were buckling up in the car.

“Well besides not wanting to see another clothing store in my life, pretty good.” I responded. “The crowds weren’t too bad, I guess most people were just too preoccupied to care.”

“Pretty much.” She confirmed. “So, on a related topic, do you think that you would be ready for your Monday classes? We can hang around here as long as you need but you seem to be handling things pretty well so it might be worth a try.”

I bit my lip for a bit while thinking, then shrugged.

“Sure, I guess?”

Mom seemed a bit unsure at lunch about the idea of my going back to school already, pointing out that I did have an excuse to skip as long as I wanted. She did admit that the school work would pile up, and we ended up agreeing to a trial run where if I needed to I could just come right back here or just lurk at my place.

“Hey Sam, is it ok if I ask about something that might make you uncomfortable?” She asked as the meal was finishing up.

“Go ahead” I responded while taking some dirty dishes from the table.

“Pronouns and if you want to change your name at all.” She said while trying to sound conversational. “It’s fine if you aren’t sure still but if you want Summers to spin you up new IDs you will probably need to decide on something.”

I could tell she was a bit nervous asking me.

“Oh,” I said while thinking for a moment before shrugging. “I am fine with she and her, I wouldn’t be used to it but the shoe fits.”

I leaned against the kitchen counter while thinking about how to elaborate.

“I don’t feel worried that I am not the same person anymore, nor do I feel like I am being hit with dysmorphia. So, I am happy with what people would ‘expect’.” I said while making air quotes. “As for name that sort of follows on with the same thought, the latter part of my first is mostly irrelevant anyway since I usually go by the gender-neutral abbreviation, so changing it to Samantha seems like an obvious choice. I have zero thoughts on my middle name though, I use it like once in a blue moon.”

Dad was looking uncomfortable, but mom gave him a ‘we will talk later look’ and then piped up.

“Wesley was my grandfather’s name, so you could use Abigail instead if you want the theme of my grandparents.” She pointed out.

“That works!” I said with a grin.

Kat had visibly relaxed when I didn’t seem to be having any issues with the conversation.

“Are you sure about this?” She asked gently. “It’s not exactly a frivolous change.”

“It fits into my question chains, and I feel like I can use those to justify it to myself now. So yes, I am sure.” I said while nodding and starting to stand up from leaning. As I finished the thought I suddenly felt a draw on my mind and my attention was drawn back to my questions from yesterday.

Starting chain revision

Do I have a way of firmly defining being mentally female that isn’t just a biased construct from society?

No.

If I did, does the answer change who I am?

No.

Do I want to say I am female?

I don’t know.

Do I have to decide right now?

No.

I could hear the last two questions rewind, and then I got prompted to answer again.

Do I want to say I am female?

Yes.

Does that change who I am?

No.

Resuming normal process

I blinked back into awareness to dad and Kat holding me up while preventing me sliding away from the kitchen counter with terrified expressions on their faces.

“What the fuck was that?” Kat shouted right in my ear making me wince. “You made a sound like a typewriter got kicked and started sliding down!”

“Uh sorry, apparently when I decided to change an answer on a chain I rewound to that question and answered it again.” I said a bit unsteadily while getting my feet under myself, I got a reminder of how heavy I was when they grunted in relief as I took my weight again.

Then mom was in my face with that distinct look of anger after getting scared by something Kat or I had done, I haven’t seen that face for a while.

“You have to be careful with those chains of yours, it’s one thing if you zone out on us in a chair for twenty minutes it’s a whole other thing if you fall and break something we can’t fix!” She had tears threatening in her eyes and then tried to hide them by hugging me.

“Yeah, sorry mom…” I mumbled back while returning the hug.

I settled down into one of the chairs in the front room after we finished cleaning up from lunch, grateful for a bit of time to unwind after a… complex morning.

I pulled out my phone to see if anyone back at my place were up to anything.

IndustrialCat (Sam): I am finally free after ten thousand years of shopping and awkward conversations

IndustrialCat (Sam): Any of you up to anything interesting?

supJim (Mike): I woke up like 30 mins ago

supJim (Mike): eating breakfast

supJim (Mike): is cereal interesting

BellingMouse (River): Are you doing ok Sam?

BellingMouse (River): Is your family being difficult or something?

IndustrialCat (Sam): Nah, it’s more awkward since it’s weirdly simple for me

IndustrialCat (Sam): I am fine with presenting myself differently than a few days ago

IndustrialCat (Sam): Justifying it off my q chains

IndustrialCat (Sam): BTW for clarity, it’s she/her now

IndustrialCat (Sam): and Samantha for full first, still fine with Sam tho

BellingMouse (River): Congrats!

TheOneMoose (Jake): Neat

supJim (Mike): eyyyyy

supJim (Mike): You getting dem girly clothes

BellingMouse (River): MIKE

IndustrialCat (Sam): Yeee

IndustrialCat (Sam): I have no idea if these things are comfortable to normal people

IndustrialCat (Sam): But they are way better than cloth in my joints

supJim (Mike): nice

IndustrialCat (Sam): My closet is open for raiding

IndustrialCat (Sam): None of them will fit and I am probably gonna donate it otherwise

supJim (Mike): rad, free shit

IndustrialCat (Sam): Probably coming back tomorrow

IndustrialCat (Sam): I was going to give classes Monday a go

BellingMouse (River): Are you sure?

BellingMouse (River): You were hyper wound about seeing us a couple of days ago

BellingMouse (River): What about other people

IndustrialCat (Sam): I dunno

IndustrialCat (Sam): The mall today was fine

IndustrialCat (Sam): I am being weirdly chill about stuff tho

IndustrialCat (Sam): Probably will be fine

BellingMouse (River): Well

BellingMouse (River): It will be good to see you

BellingMouse (River): Don’t force yourself though!

IndustrialCat (Sam): Ofc

IndustrialCat (Sam): You three can keep an eye on me in the morning class

IndustrialCat (Sam): And I can call off going to math if I am having issues

BellingMouse (River): 👍

BellingMouse (River): Do you have plans for the rest of the day?

BellingMouse (River): Hopefully nothing that will stress you out

BellingMouse (River): It sounds like you have been too busy as it is

IndustrialCat (Sam): Nah nothing much

IndustrialCat (Sam): Gonna pack the clothes

IndustrialCat (Sam): Go on a run with Kat in 1-2 hrs

IndustrialCat (Sam): Was gonna try to work on the soft eng assignment tonight

IndustrialCat (Sam): See how that goes

TheOneMoose (Jake): It’s not too bad

TheOneMoose (Jake): Just a bit time consuming

TheOneMoose (Jake): Stupid ambiguous segfaults

IndustrialCat (Sam): Neat

IndustrialCat (Sam): Oh yeah, gotta fire off an email to Summers for new IDs too

IndustrialCat (Sam): He can cheat so I don’t have to go into service Ontario or a gov office for it

IndustrialCat (Sam): As long as I send him a good enough photo

supJim (Mike): ah the wonders of sketchy connections

Well, being a robot doesn’t give programming superpowers.

it was almost weird how mundane the experience of getting back to assignments was. If it weren’t for my hands on the laptop being mechanical and the gentle whirring sound of my thoughts to remind me otherwise, I could have been in my old body for all I knew.

Oh, and the wood chips.

These are surprisingly nice snacks.

Pausing from my work to consider one, I nibbled on it and tried to compare it to human food. These were apple woodchips intended for a smoker and while they didn’t taste of apple, they did have a fresh flavor like a carrot or something. Being able to just bite through them was odd still, and I would have expected a fibrous mouth feel but they were crisp instead, maybe that’s because it’s a hardwood?

I still don’t know how my body is turning wood into something that can come out of a burner, but I won’t argue.

Once I finished the last of my current distraction, I went back to plugging away at the memory management assignment for a few hours before heading to bed.

Just a few more hours of waiting now.

I was currently preoccupying myself by procrastinating on the web, in theory, we could have gone already. All my new clothes were packed into a spare suitcase, and I didn’t have much else with me besides my phone, charger, laptop, and the box of food. This would have been a bit self-centered though as my parents didn’t want to head to Orchardville in the morning and Kat wanted to work for a while before heading back anyway.

I was feeling some mixture of anxious and excited about seeing my friends again given the… confusing last visit and some of the decisions I had made since then. The fact I was sitting here in a chair spinning my metaphorical wheels was starting to feel uncomfortable, the idea of putting off discovering how my roommates would react this time meant time seemed to stretch into an eternity.

I wondered a bit if what I was wearing was appropriate, and this time it didn’t feel like it was a choice I could apply a question chain to. It’s like, what do you wear to go back to your own place except it’s the first time your roommates are seeing you in feminine clothing? I ended up trying not to overthink it and just putting a pair of light grey leggings and a purple sleeveless shirt on, they were comfortable, and I didn’t feel weird wearing them around the house here.

My aimless reading of a wiki article on Merlins, the bird not the wizard, was interrupted by a ping from discord.

BellingMouse (River): @IndustrialCat do you know when you are planning on getting here?

BellingMouse (River): We need to get groceries and I would like to be back in time

IndustrialCat (Sam): Like 3-4?

IndustrialCat (Sam): We aren’t leaving till later

IndustrialCat (Sam): And we need to stop at a Canadian tire

BellingMouse (River): K

TheOneMoose (Jake): There’s a big truck out front

TheOneMoose (Jake): I think your foods come to us

BellingMouse (River): I guess we are going for groceries later then

BellingMouse (River): Later

IndustrialCat (Sam): See ya soon

A few more bird articles later I got an email from Summers to confirm that my food had arrived, and that new IDs should appear in the mail sometime in the week. He did warn me that I would have to contact private companies, like the bank, to get them to update and that it might be easier once I have the government IDs in. It seems like the guy wasn’t one to stop just because it’s the weekend, nor did he mess around when he said he could make things move fast.

The rest of the morning and early afternoon passed in a fugue of time on the net, then one nervous drive later we were once again at my front door. At least this time I had my key so I wouldn’t have to hang around waiting for them. Opening the door unleashed the sounds of a fighting game from the front room along with shouts from Jake and Mike presumably attempting to one-up the other, I assumed they were far too preoccupied to notice my entry. I brought the suitcase and some stuff from Canadian Tire into the house, leaving it next to the stairs and shucking off my backpack before turning back and giving a wave to the rest of my family as they pulled out of the drive.

“Hey guys, how’s it going?” I asked, leaning against the edge of the wall dividing the entrance and the front room in an attempt to hide my nervousness.

Jake jumped out of his skin and his character immediately ate shit when Mike didn’t miss a beat.

“Hi, Sam!” Mike said cheerfully and started to turn while Jake grumbled and messed with the game to return to the main menu. Mike paused for a moment, eyes widening as saw me, then attempted to hide any pause by tossing the controller on the couch and managing to hit Jake with it, eliciting a ‘hey!’ and scrabble to catch it.

“Feeling better?” He asked a bit awkwardly, clearly biting some other comment down.

“Yep, still feel a bit weird but a lot better.” I said my nervousness beginning to fade into amusement at his attempts to keep a straight face.

“It’s good to hear that, we were pretty wo-” Jake began as he turned having secured the other controller in his lap. “Uh, you loo… I mean, the clothes look good on you.”

I couldn’t quite keep a straight face at this, and I started to chuckle.

“I take it River made an attempt at schooling you two on more appropriate responses?” I asked.

Mike’s face spread in a goofy grin.

“That obvious huh?” He said sheepishly.

“Yep!” I said before waving him off as Jake looked a bit crestfallen. “I appreciate the effort though.”

“So, I hear some food turned up for me?” I asked while trying to give them an escape line.

“Yeah!” Jake said brightening up as he dumped the controllers on the couch. “We haven’t exactly done an inventory, but there seems to be a bunch of different things.”

He got off the couch and started in the direction of the kitchen but paused looking at the bags and suitcase.

“I get the suitcase but what’s all the other stuff?” He asked.

“We got some stuff for my maintenance.” I responded with a shrug. “I have lubrication oil that needs changing at some point and the rags are for cleaning seepage at my joints”

“Huh.” He said blinking. “Wait you have to change your oil, how does that work?”

Ooh.

Now there’s a opportunity for a joke.

I made a sound like a cough as my burners flared for a moment.

“I erm, haven’t had to do it yet but I have a… access hatch where I have a way to um dispose of the old,” I said hamming it up a bit. “Then I will have to uh, take in the new.”

“Ah.” He said turning red, before speed walking through the door to the garage in the kitchen.

Mike was standing aghast.

“I was going to say that the hatch is here,” I said innocently while tapping my torso above my left hip. “Seems to just a simple connector on the other side too.”

I started rolling with laughter, and as realization set in Mike’s face split into a grin.

“Oh, you are definitely feeling better then!” He said cheerfully while Jake peeked back in from the garage looking confused.

“Don’t worry about it Jake!” I managed to get out. “I was just fucking with you. I wouldn’t have elaborated if I thought there was anything dirty about it.”

River appeared at the top of the stairs with their headphones around their neck.

“Everything OK down there?” They asked. “Sorry I missed you getting here Sam.”

“Hey River, I have only been back a couple of minutes anyway.” I said with a smile having recovered from trolling Jake.

They had been studying my face and appeared to be satisfied with what they saw, because they gave me a gentle smile.

“It’s good to see you feeling better.” They said while continuing down the stairs.

“Thank you,” I said feeling a bit embarrassed. “Sorry I was such a mess last time.”

“Don’t worry about it, it wasn’t exactly the most pleasant day for you.” They countered while giving me a hug. “What’s up next?”

“I was just going to check out the food that dropped off.” I said as they released me.

“Let’s take a look then!” Mike said. “I am curious to hear what you think of it all.”