The drive from the hospital to my place was uncomfortable beyond just my still unstable emotional state, I was not used to how the motion of the car felt in this body at all. Feeling stabilized components slide about on smoothly dampened courses at the same time as the contents of my bunkers sloshed about was disconcerting.
Once we arrived, I waved my parents off when they asked if they should come with me. I was just going to get my laptop and come back after all, but I wasn’t going to be able to dissuade Kat from tagging along. Walking to the door caused my burners to flutter as I would be talking to my roommates in person with the realities of my new body without the abstraction of text chat to hide behind. Kat walking behind me could evidently hear that because she suddenly messed up my hair.
“It will be fine, and if not, I will rip them in half!” She said with a predatory grin before it turned a bit mischievous. “Say, your hair seems really nice, you will let me do something with it at some point riiiight?”
After this threat seeing my roommates seemed far less terrifying than remaining in reach of sis for too long.
“Wait did you grab my keys with my phone?” I asked her while speed walking ahead to the door.
“Nope! I had no idea where they were, so you are gonna have to ring the doorbell.” She said cheerfully.
Sighing with a small cloud of steam, I pressed the bell and hoped someone would hear it through their headphones. I blinked a few times in surprise when River opened it before I even had time to pull back from the button.
They looked over my face for a moment before grabbing me in a hug, they were always big on those but it was a quick turnaround even for them. I will admit to having a distracting thought that hadn’t come up despite the hugs my family had been giving me.
My boobs are metal, and I guess the rest of me is too, is it painful to hug me?
“I have tried to prime them to be at least somewhat considerate, but…” They trailed off as they released me, the smile never leaving their voice. “They are idiots.”
Suddenly their expression changed. “Did I do something wrong; you look upset?”
“…Was that uncomfortable?” I said, and at the confused expression I got in return I rapped my knuckles on the side of my torso with a quiet clang.
“No of course not, come in already.” They said shaking their head and gently applying pressure to my back to get me to go in the house.
Looking into the kitchen revealed Jake crossing from the dining room with a bowl of prepared potatoes, although he froze like a deer in headlights upon seeing me. I guess they were in the middle of preparing a meal, as Mike was starting to peek around from where the stove was too.
“Uh, hello?” I said a bit uncertainly.
“Your voice is cool!” Exclaimed Mike a broad grin forming on his face, even as Jake remained stuck in place behind him. I could hear an audible facepalm and groan from River beside me, and at this point, my sister arrived behind me and laid her arms across my head.
“Wazzup nerds?” She said in a cheerfully threatening tone.
This seemed to be enough to get Jake back in motion as he set the potatoes down.
“Hi Katherine, hi… Sam” He said a bit nervously.
“Hello!” Mike said cheerfully, either oblivious to or ignoring the threat. “Let me just take this off the heat.”
The gambit of reactions was making my thoughts go spinning again, and River broke the silence by groaning again.
“I assure you they are being stupid rather than mean.” They said to Kat.
“Oh, I know but I would rather they not look at my sibling like a sideshow.” She said while taking her arms off my head and going to take her shoes off. “Come on Sam, let’s get your stuff.”
Jake started mumbling sorry while staring at the potatoes and Mike ducked out of view behind the wall.
The whirring in my head was getting louder as I tried to think of what to say or do. Was Kat overreacting and I felt ok with their reactions? I don’t think so, it was painful to get similar reactions to those of people walking by in the hospital from friends I had known since first year. At the same time how would I have reacted; I am not sure I would have been mature enough to not stare myself, wouldn’t it make my hypocritical for me to judge them for that?
I suddenly realized people had been calling my name while thrashing and clattering sounds were coming from my head again.
Oh.
I managed to take a deep breath and pull my awareness back together enough to comprehend who had been calling to me. That the action resulted in air being pulled through the small gaps across my face was a strange and distracting sensation.
Mike had moved from the kitchen to just in front of me and was one of the trio of people all looking worried along with River and Kat. I couldn’t see Jake, but I could hear a commotion from behind me outside the house. I guess I had been paying even less attention to my surroundings than I thought.
“Sorry, I…” I trailed off not really knowing what I had been intending to say, and my eyes were tearing up. Again.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Mike said while looking pained. “We fucked up.”
“Are you OK Sam?” I heard my mom say from behind me, looking over I could see Jake and dad looking worried behind her.
“No,” I sniffed. “Not really.”
----------------------------------------
I found myself sitting on our crappy couch not quite sure when I had gotten there, across from me River was sitting in one of the equally awful armchairs with their phone in their lap and staring out the window. I couldn’t remember where everyone else had gone, I vaguely recall being guided to here and Kat shouting at people but not where everyone had gone after that.
I don’t think this leg of the trip went quite how Dr. Summers would have wanted. At least I didn’t completely pass out this panic attack, go team me.
“How have I been here?” I asked a bit unsteadily, unintentionally startling them.
“It’s a bit past six.” River responded after glancing at their phone. “I don’t know for sure but we have probably been here at least thirty minutes.”
“Where did everyone go?” River looked a bit uncomfortable at the question.
“While you were… distracted Katherine tore a strip out of those two.” They said with a frown. “At some point, she decided she was too pissed off to be rational and took off for a walk and your dad followed her. The other two got your laptop and then went out to your car a while ago, so I guess your mom is talking to them or something.”
“Oh,” I said while looking down at my hands again. “Sorry, I thought… that I could handle seeing everyone, I guess I couldn’t.“
“I am impressed you made the attempt.” They said while waving me off. “I am pretty sure any of us would have spent the next week hiding.”
“Should I have?” I asked, still not willing to look up at them.
“Oh, Sam.” They said reaching out to gently touch my hands. “I don’t have the right answer for you, but I know we would have missed you.”
“You wouldn’t believe how wound up those two were until we got your messages earlier, I practically had to drag them out of the house for class.” They paused, before continuing. “I would understand if you don’t want to come back but I hope you give us another chance.”
Something in my head free spun for a moment before coming back into gear and I looked up at them in surprise, there were tears in their eyes.
“What?” I was shocked. “I hadn’t even thought of leaving.”
“Oh.” They said, releasing my hands and finding a tissue to blow their nose into. “I am glad we hadn’t screwed up that bad.”
Before I could think of what to say next, I could hear the front door swing open before Mike flew by with a stack of pizza boxes. A few seconds Mom and Jake came in, Jake was carrying some containers I recognized from Dr. Summers’s care package.
“Hello dear, it has gotten pretty late, so we are going to eat here before going back home.” Mom said while pausing at the door to the living room. “I gave Bryson a call, he will be back with Katherine in just a few minutes.”
“Oh, OK,” I said a little confused, then turned a bit to look at Mike bustling with chairs at the dinner table. “Weren’t you making dinner already?”
“Yeah, but there wouldn’t be enough for everyone.” He said with a shrug. “I can just do something with it tomorrow.”
He started to say something more but was interrupted by Jake.
“Sorry!” He almost shouted. “We uh… kinda…”
“Yeah, sorry for that.” Mike said sheepishly fidgeting with the chair he was moving, after Jake trailed off.
“…Thanks.” It was a bit embarrassing to have everyone apologizing to me, and I could feel little puffs of steam heating my face.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked while getting up maybe a bit too quickly to seem calm.
The meal mostly went ok, Kat was a bit cold to my roommates initially after returning but relaxed a bit over time. There were some questions about my needs, but my roommates seemed to be able to hold off on anything beyond that. Although Mick appeared to have an itching desire to ask something every few minutes, I think River kicked his shins a few times because he would occasionally open his mouth to say something before closing it with a slightly pained and embarrassed expression passed across his face a few times. River seemed to be noticing each time I stopped to disengage the sweatshirt from my elbows but didn’t comment.
I felt a bit out of place with a plate of coal, and a glass of water while everyone else was digging into pizza but it was less profound than I was worried it would be. I guess it just felt… normal to be eating something different to people with biology. Weirdly as everyone else relaxed into the meal and the tension ebbed my food seemed to taste… better, it wasn’t different just that I enjoyed it more.
At some point in the cleanup Kat apologized to Mike and Jake, she admitted she had been flippant earlier while trying to distract me from the changes. She said that some of her anger was probably projecting herself onto them, and she ended up giving me an apology for her earlier behavior.
A bit after that I had a minor freakout when I had automatically washed my hands after putting some dirty plates in the dishwasher, up to this point I had just used paper towel to clean off my hands. I hadn’t been sure if I was waterproof, but my hands still seemed to be working fine even with slightly steaming water pouring out from inside of them. Summers had said that anything that felt natural was probably fine since one’s instincts seemed to match whatever changes happened to their body.
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As my family got ready to go, I receive a set of slightly awkward goodbyes from the others and a hug from River, then my family piled into the car for the hour-long ride home. While I didn’t really feel physically tired, I felt so mentally worn out that I slipped into a not exactly sleeping state on the ride back. I felt my burners reduce in output and my brain slow down, not really altering my perception of time but instead my senses just sort of lost focus. I could see stuff go by outside the car but if I wasn’t paying attention to something my vision just didn’t really resolve into things I could recognize. Even the feeling of sitting in a seat sort of faded away.
Being brought out of the fugue state when we arrived was a bit different from when I woke up in the hospital, my burners just opened back up and my brain returned to normal speed in a few moments but I was unstable as my mental exhaustion seemed to be getting in the way of coordination. I learned that Kat’s room had been turned into a guest room at some point. The bed there was kept prepped, but my room was still as I had left it last with a bare mattress, Kat insisted that she could deal with making the bed in my room and that I should just try to get some sleep.
I was sort of expecting to have trouble falling asleep with how different this form is, but after just a few moments of laying in bed, I could hear my internals winding down. The burners in my firebox shut off with the quiet clicks of valves closing, then I could literally hear my thoughts slowing as the electric motors driving them drifted to a stop.
----------------------------------------
Waking up takes forever now and while I don’t have a great sense of how long exactly, I know it at least perceptually feels that way.
Light was streaming in through the window as I hadn’t remembered to close the curtains before dropping into bed, but it didn’t feel like I had been woken up by it. I think some timer had gone off in my body somewhere to begin a start-up sequence. Weirdly I felt really well-rested, the lack of being able to feel physical exhaustion combined with none of the fog I had felt the night before meant I wondered when I last felt that rested. I was always used to being behind on sleep, particularly as a student where I was stuck between schoolwork and bad video game habits. Plus, I didn’t feel like I was going to have a panic attack or anything despite waking up in a body I wasn’t used to yet.
Neat.
That’s progress.
After a few more minutes of waiting for steam to build to a level where I felt ready to move, I managed to get out of bed, stop to pull my clothes out of my joints, and then go to look myself in the mirror.
Yep, still the robot-like face.
Without the panic and confusion of yesterday morning, I was able to consider my appearance with a bit more, detachment is the wrong word, acceptance maybe. I think if I was human I wouldn’t have turned heads or anything, as whoever designed me was going for realistic proportions. Probably the main thing that would have stuck out is that I am short, but I think I probably know at least a few people of similar height through.
Pretty sure I am beyond dramatic despite my human enough form, being an off-white-skinned robot with purple hair and visible metal and gaps across my body will do that. I am pretty sure whoever made this body watched that world’s equivalent to anime, even my haircut wouldn’t even look out of place on a robot maid in some cheesy anime.
A few more moments of consideration brought the thought that I recognized my reflection as me, despite how little time I had looked like this. I had even yesterday morning come to think of it when I had only been aware of the changes for moments.
Huh.
I am pretty sure I was having more feelings of dysmorphia yesterday but thinking back it was always more like this is new or different or shouldn’t there be more bits on a girl, not that it wasn’t me. Surely, I should be having more issues with how different I am now, does that have anything to do with how easily I adapted to being able to move maybe?
Wait, back up a moment, was I just thinking of myself as a girl?
I don’t know what I want to feel about that but this is making my brain hurt as various components were switching in and out of gear with reckless abandon, so I decided to leave that topic for now. I redirected myself to consider what I needed to do now, my bunkers are somewhat low but more than that I have an urge to clean my joints with something. Following Summer’s advice to trust my instincts, I went looking in the bins in the closet adjacent to the room for any worn old clothes I could tear up for rags I knew my parents usually kept some for cleaning somewhere in there. I was rewarded with an already partially torn shirt of mine from years ago, returning to the room and closing the door I took the clothes I was wearing off and started wiping away at little hints of excess oil at pivots and actuators.
Is this like taking a shower or something?
I don’t sweat or anything so far as I can tell, and unless something got on my skin it would stay clean other than maybe getting dusty, and presumably, my hair was similarly static. So, I guess cleanliness for me is not leaking lubricating oil on stuff.
Neat.
I spent a bit more time doing this before writing a few notes on my phone on this new habit, Summers had said it would be helpful for him to know of anything like that I noticed for my next appointment.
Shoving my phone in the pocket of my retrieved clothes, grimacing at the cloth already working its way into my joints, I went to see what was going on downstairs. I am pretty sure I was the last to be awake, everyone else in my family thought seven was a normal wake-up time since they weren’t undergrads, and while I hadn’t slept in, after the time I spent cleaning it was almost eight-thirty already.
Arriving in the kitchen I could see some evidence of breakfast having come and gone for the others in the open dishwasher, but mom and Kat were in the dining room around a laptop discussing something quietly. I guess dad had gone to work or something like that.
Upon hearing me arrive, Kat looked up with a mischievous grin.
“Hiya Sam, what do ya think of skirts?” She asked cheerfully.
“Katherine!” Mom admonished. “We are trying to find some options of clothing for you to try so we don’t overwhelm you at a store. We will need to get some measurements off you before we go pick anything up, but that can wait till later.”
“Uh, ok I guess that makes sense,” I said a little startled, a moment later I had a thought. “I think I need something I can run or move in, I feel the need to do something like that.”
“Sure, do you know why you have the urge?” Mom asked, I presume she had been remembering Summers’s advice on following instincts too.
“I dunno, it feels like stuff isn’t going to distribute right or something will lock up otherwise.” I said with a shrug.
“Ah so like running old cars to keep the seals and stuff good!” Kat said.
“Probably?” I said while starting to look through the box of fuels sitting next to the fridge for the moment, I decided to try some of the kerosene this time. I found a mug and filled it along with a glass of water then made my way to the table. The stuff tasted fruity and worked pretty well for breakfast, but I winced at Kat’s reaction to the smell.
“Sorry about the smell.” I apologized, but she waved me off.
“Don’t worry about it, it’s not that bad, and I don’t want you skipping breakfast.” Kat said, before pausing with a thoughtful look. “While I was joking about the skirts earlier, do you have a specific preference for clothes?”
I thought about it for a few seconds.
“I can say what I don’t want, which is stuff pulling into my exposed joints.” She nodded at this, and glanced at the hand I hadn’t even noticed was going for clearing my joints again.
“I saw you’ve been pulling at those a lot, is it that uncomfortable?”
“Yeah…” I stopped to consider for a second. “You know the texture equivalents to nails on chalkboards, right? It’s basically that, just deeply unsettling.”
Kat grimaced in sympathy, and mom glanced up at me from the laptop.
“Ok then, I will have to look at your joints in a bit to get a better idea of what might work. But…” Mom started, and I could hear that she knew I wouldn’t like this from her voice. “It does limit options a bit, would you be ok with trying some feminine or minimal clothes to see if they are comfortable for you?”
“Fine, I will try the stupid skirts or whatever you find.” I said with my face in my hands.
At this point, Kat is in full cackles, and I feel mom put a hand on my shoulder in sympathy.
----
While I can’t say being buck naked in front of my mom was on the list of things I wanted to do in my life, the fact there wasn’t much that was hidden by clothes prevented me from immediately perishing from embarrassment. Although the tears that appeared in my mom’s eyes when I admitted this were a reminder that as confusing this whole thing as it was for me, I wasn’t the only one affected.
We tried experimenting with some old clothes of my sisters to try and guess what would work for me, but they weren’t exactly comfortable as they were just not the right shape for me. My sister was always tall, and now I had a little bit wider hips than her. This is not to say I am particularly hippy, it’s more than my sister is a string bean, or after admonishment by mom more charitably described as willowy. After a lack of progress, my mom just decided to take some rough measurements off me and then went to grab Kat to help with picking stuff up.
Catching up to the other two near the door, I chatted a bit as they got their shoes and coats on. I learned that both mom and dad were off work as long as I needed help and that dad was just out on a walking habit he had picked up while I was at school. They were pretty insistent on asking if I was ok being alone at home for the thirty or so minutes he would be gone, I was pretty sure I would be so after a few minutes of concerned questioning they went on their way.
Without any specific plans, I ended up sitting in one of the chairs in the front room, looking out at the neighborhood that looked entirely unchanged in the last month besides a lack of snow for a few minutes and then remembering how… inactive I was when I woke up this morning pulled my phone out to ask an awkward question.
IndustrialCat (Sam): Ok random question
supJim (Mike): morning!
supJim (Mike): whats up?
IndustrialCat (Sam): When I collapsed unconscious yesterday was I making any noises at all
IndustrialCat (Sam): Because when I woke up in the hospital or this morning literally everything was off
IndustrialCat (Sam): Like no steam or anything
IndustrialCat (Sam): I guess I have a battery or something to power turning on again
TheOneMoose (Jake): You were silent
TheOneMoose (Jake): We thought you were dead or something
supJim (Mike): river was insisting just dying wasnt a thing with clashes
BellingMouse (River): The EMTs backed me up on it too
BellingMouse (River): @IndustrialCat They heard a ticking sound in your torso
BellingMouse (River): They thought that meant you were just unconscious
IndustrialCat (Sam): Sorry about the scare
IndustrialCat (Sam): If I am sleeping, I am not dead lmao
supJim (Mike): lmao
TheOneMoose (Jake): Yikes
BellingMouse (River): How are you doing today
IndustrialCat (Sam): Better I guess
IndustrialCat (Sam): Haven’t had any panic attacks today
TheOneMoose (Jake): Nice
IndustrialCat (Sam): On the other hand
IndustrialCat (Sam): Guess who might be having to wear
IndustrialCat (Sam): And I quote
IndustrialCat (Sam): Feminine clothes
IndustrialCat (Sam): Due to my exposed joints trying to catch on stuff
IndustrialCat (Sam): Its cha
supJim (Mike): oof
IndustrialCat (Sam): I was gonna write boi but that seems inaccurate lmao
BellingMouse (River): Are you OK with that?
BellingMouse (River): You seemed to be ok in sweats yesterday other than the joint thing
BellingMouse (River): Couldn’t you keep doing that if you aren’t ready?
IndustrialCat (Sam): They are really bad in my joints TBH
IndustrialCat (Sam): Plus that wasn’t with anything under them and I don’t think boxers or briefs will work
supJim (Mike): wat
TheOneMoose (Jake): ???
BellingMouse (River): I am sorry?
supJim (Mike): u were commando???
IndustrialCat (Sam): Yeeee
IndustrialCat (Sam): That was all mom brought from h store
BellingMouse (River): That makes the hug more awkward in retrospect
IndustrialCat (Sam): NP
IndustrialCat (Sam): Anyway mom and sis are letting me
IndustrialCat (Sam): Hide at home for this shopping trip
supJim (Mike): we skipping over sam goin commando?
BellingMouse (River): Yes
BellingMouse (River): @IndustrialCat you seem to be handling talking about it better today
BellingMouse (River): You aren’t just pretending its fine right?
I had to stop and think for a bit on that one, was I feeling better about… well everything?
IndustrialCat (Sam): I dunno
IndustrialCat (Sam): Some of it is an abstraction from typing text
IndustrialCat (Sam): but
IndustrialCat (Sam): I think that was the best I have slept in my life
IndustrialCat (Sam): Like hands down
IndustrialCat (Sam): Like I was rested enough to handle a serious conversation about having to consider
IndustrialCat (Sam): Skirts n shit and I was merely dying of embarrassment
BellingMouse (River): Lmao
BellingMouse (River): Well at least you are feeling somewhat better
BellingMouse (River): Don’t force yourself though!
BellingMouse (River): Well, I need to go to class. Later!
TheOneMoose (Jake): @supJim don’t you have the same class
supJim (Mike): oh fuck
Jake and I ended up chatting about video games for a bit, during which time my dad came back from his walk, and I was subjected to the start of another series of Q and A to make sure I was ok. I ended up chuckling in the middle as Jake had done a shitty shop of the 'Will You Press The Button?' page with Perfect sleep vs No Penis as the trade-off, River was not impressed.
This seemed to have the side effect of having my dad relax a little and release me without too many more questions. I mostly spent the next hour reading random wiki articles with a couple of interruptions when Kat messaged me with articles on figuring out your size for something or other to confirm things they were picking up.
After another trip to the guest room to measure some part of my anatomy, I noticed dad had started working on lunch. This was extra weird because while I could hear him working, I couldn’t smell anything particularly food-like. A hint of burning from the gas stove and then just some subtle ambiguous smells, like smelling clean clothes or something. Just another thing for me to get used to, at least it didn’t actively smell bad.
A while later the front door opened, and Kat came strutting in like a conquering hero, although there were fewer bags than I was worried there might be. Mom followed in with some groceries in addition to some more clothing, maybe they had gotten a lot. It was decided that we would get into them after lunch, which was probably for the best as if I would be dying from embarrassment for the second time that day it would at least be with full bunkers.