I was pretty nervous in the morning, I was in theory ready for the midterm. Molly and I even had an impromptu study session after training yesterday, but when we were working on practice tests it could get pretty tight on time for me with how slow my brain was on some parts. I distracted myself from thinking about it by talking to Anna and scheduling more time to work on cosplay along with another walking date on Saturday during the soft eng lecture.
Anna joined us for lunch this time and my dread of the math midterm was obscured by her embrace, my mind slipping away once she put her face on mine. I think I was still a little loopy when I got to math judging off Molly’s reaction, but at least I hadn’t wasted a lunch worrying.
Once the midterm itself was passed, I was glad I spent as long as I had on studying as I just barely had enough time. After the tests had been collected and we were on the way-out Molly started laughing, I gave her a questioning look with a raised eyebrow.
“The fourth wasn’t great, eh?” She asked still chuckling.
“Nooooo, I thought I remembered the process, but it kept slipping from my mind which I guess caused my math unit to eject the problem it was working on.” I admitted while covering my face with embarrassment, steam leaking between my fingers. The sound had been… distinctive shall I say.
“Ha, well don’t worry about it.” She clapped me on the shoulder with a dull clang. “I think everyone is used to your sounds already, there was barely even a raised head when I peeked around.”
“Really?” I asked looking from between my fingers.
“Yeah!” She then leaned in with a conspiratorial grin. “If anything, I think one of the TAs likes them, he kept on trying to stand near you.”
“Wha-what? Why?” I asked confused.
She shrugged. “Maybe he is the dude version of Anna, but honestly the sounds aren’t really all that bad. If anything, when you get into the swing of it, it’s melodic when combined with your other thoughts humming away.” I blinked at her as she continued with a grin. “Try doing your math assignments with Anna sometime, I’m sure she would love listening to it.”
“Uh-huh, if you say so.” I answered not quite sure I believed her on the melodic bit, even if I expect Anna would still be fascinated to listen to my math unit work away regardless.
We broke paths when we got closer to the bus station with assurances that I would see her tomorrow for training before the changee meet again.
Mike chatted over dinner with ideas that he had been exchanging with Liam, the CRD cook, I will be honest in saying that they sounded tasty and dangerous. I’m pretty sure napalm shouldn’t be used as a glaze for something going in an oven, but what do I know.
After dinner I decided it was time to do something I had been putting off, updating social media. While I wasn’t as wound up about it as before my parents visited, I decided to get it over as I was going to have to do it at some point. I decided that I needed to take a new selfie for a profile picture as I thought it would be weird to reuse the photo Kat helped me with for my photo IDs weeks ago, I didn’t exactly look that happy in it more kinda resigned or uncertain I guess. it was still light enough out so I decided not to do the usual bathroom or bedroom one most of my friends had as theirs, instead opting to head out to the park I had visited with my parents as the tree trunks would look better than a worn washroom.
“Heading back to work?” River asked curiously from their spot with an open novel in one of the armchairs as I got my sneakers on.
“Nah, I was just going to get a picture of myself.” I answered.
“Profile picture?”
“Yeah.”
“Want help?” I paused; I hadn’t really considered that. It was just going to be a normal arms-length thing, but I wouldn’t disagree with something a little nicer.
“Sure.” They smiled and put their bookmark in the novel.
It felt really weird looking at myself on the phone screen after we got one I didn’t hate, I don’t look like I belong in the photo at all. Not in a ‘that isn’t me’ thing, more like a ‘there’s no way that’s real’ way. I have purple hair against porcelain white skin and I’m clearly an automaton between my paneled skin and the bare metal in places, my blue button-up sleeveless shirt and black skirt is the only thing about me that looks real. we had tried a couple of photos with the peace fingers thing and that just seemed to make it weirder in my opinion.
“Geez, it’s kinda weird how easy it is for me to overlook my appearance now.” I commented. “Like I see myself in the mirror or whatever and it’s just me, but pictures are something else.”
They smiled. “That probably just means that you are more comfortable with yourself.”
I nodded. “I guess I’ll get used to seeing myself in photos at some point.” I flipped through them again and noticed one where my mouth was open as I had been responding to something River had said. “Woah, is my tongue really that visible? I don’t even think about it being grey like that.”
“I don’t really notice it in the moment.” They answered with a shrug, then paused. “Is it something you don’t like?”
“Nah, it’s fine. I just don’t really notice things like that in the mirror, I’ve never really looked at what my visual expressions are now.” I looked up at them again. “I know I have different motions for like walking and stuff I do unconsciously from inherited muscle memory but what about other stuff?”
“Honestly not really, you do move differently but it’s mostly like a blend of what you did before and your sister. It’s still pretty obviously you, even if your voice and appearance changed.” I nodded, it’s funny how I am only really thinking to ask about these things now.
After we got back, I spent a bit working through updating my Facebook profile then I stared at the apply button for a long time.
Am I ready to click that?
I don’t even know what people’s reactions will be if any, it’s not like anyone has messaged me or anything in the last few weeks on here. I mostly just used discord or whatever, and all the people I regularly interact with uses that or just text.
Fuck it, I clicked.
Kinda anti-climatic, my picture is different, and my name is different but otherwise my profile is still bare bones. The banner is still a photo of the campus I took in first year, hell the last post I made was in first year too, it was of some games night the student union had thrown which had ended up getting Jake interested in joining it. Probably no one will even notice anything changed, it’s not even like my generation really uses Facebook as much, I am pretty sure I just have it because I was supposed for something back in high school.
I stared at my page for a few moments before a thought crossed my mind, deciding to act on it I searched for Anna Banks. There she is, looks like she fills her profile with cosplay photos of herself and other people, I would definitely have to look back through these as they were up to her usual impressive standard. I figured that her profile picture looked at least a year or two old, she looked a tiny bit heavier and quite a bit less happy in it. I realized it was also the first time I had seen her with undyed hair, it was a somewhat darker blonde that lay relatively flat, I guess that means her messy style is probably intentional. I much prefer how much happier she looked these days, even before we started dating, she seemed more collected than in that picture.
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
I clicked add friend, then started searching around for the others. Molly had a profile and it even listed her as working for the CRD along with pictures of her with Peter and her Maine Coon cat. I couldn’t find Ivy or Luke, but most of the others had various levels of populated profiles. Roger had replicated the Octodad cover photo with him beaming, his skin a bright yellow shade stark against his blue suit with one tentacled arm around the shoulders of a dark-skinned woman with an amused expression and the other split apart to keep a toddler from escaping. Its kinda hilarious how much he has committed to that bit, but they looked happy so I won’t argue.
While I was puttering around, I got a ding of Anna accepting and an offer to be listed as being in a relationship. It’s cute how proactive she can be about these things, I obviously accepted, which resulted in another post on my hope page after in my profile. When I clicked onto her profile again she had updated her picture, it was clearly hastily taken in her washroom as the hoodie she had on was askew and rumpled.
Her smile though, oh this was worth it for that alone.
I’m pretty sure I spent like ten minutes just basking in the glow of that crappy little picture, fuck I love it when she’s happy. Man, I kinda want to go and see her, but I need to study plus I think she has a midterm tomorrow morning, but a possibility flitted across my mind prompting me to bring up discord.
IndustrialCat: I don’t know if this is a thing people do, but do you want to meet on campus to cuddle tomorrow
AceW0mbat: Fuck yeah I do
AceW0mbat: free at 11?
IndustrialCat: yep
AceW0mbat: Meet at the brick?
IndustrialCat: I’ll be there
IndustrialCat: BTW very cute pic
AceW0mbat: You too!
She had that gif of Carl Weathers and Schwarzenegger gripping hands after, which got a laugh out of me. We are such a pair of dorks, I wouldn’t change it though.
As I was heading to bed, I saw there seemed to be a couple of shocked reactions to my picture from some names I vaguely recognized from high school and that Molly had liked both posts. Otherwise, no one had messaged me, and I wasn’t really feeling proactive about reaching out to anyone.
----------------------------------------
“I think we need to do this again.” I mumbled into Anna’s neck.
“Sounds good to me!” She responded cheerfully the textbook in her hands resting against my side, I will admit she appeared far less mentally compromised by our current position than I was. One of the nice things about the Brick is it has a bunch of little study nooks spread through the upper halls next to the skinny windows, not only that but they have those almost couch-sized armchairs that fit two people being intimate easily. We had chatted off and on when I was sufficiently coherent to respond, mostly about school or anime but a lot of the time had just been her studying while a rested against her.
“Sorry I haven’t been as… receptive as I could have been.” I said softly, feeling a little more aware of how little talking we had actually done in the last hour.
“It’s fine Sam, it feels nice to just be together.” She said while a hand came up to rest on my head, she then chuckled. “And I think this is the most of this textbook I have gotten through at one time ever.”
“Oh, I thought you liked history?” I asked referring to the minor she had told me she was working towards.
“I do, but this book is unbelievably dry, I don’t get how they managed to make eighteen-forty-eight boring!” She said incredulously.
“Heh.” The little puff of warm air I emitted with the sound seemed to cause her to shiver a little as it brushed her neck.
“Let me get to the next chapter, then we can get some lunch.” She said softly, her hand sliding down me as it went back to the book.
“Sure…” I mumbled as I let my mind slip away again.
I wouldn’t say the web dev midterm that afternoon was easy per se, but I was so relaxed going into it that the uncertainty that might ordinarily be clouding my judgment never had a chance to form. Jake was a bit wound up looking as I left for my tutorial, but I didn’t really have time to discuss it. I’m sure he did fine, I know he tends to overthink how he did on tests.
I was on the bus to the facility when I thought about checking my FB page again, my changee friends and roommates had dogpiled likes onto the two posts but it didn’t seem like anyone had commented. I think I saw a thumbs up from one of my aunts though, she was usually pretty cool about things so I wasn’t too surprised.
There was a DM blinking at the top of the screen though, when I checked I found it was Joe. He is someone I occasionally kept up with over the last two summers and winter breaks, enough to say he’s still my friend but not enough to be someone I really think about on the regular. He’s nice enough, not that many shared interests between us but he would often bring me along for movies or hikes with his other friends, and he would occasionally drag me out to try stuff like bouldering too.
Huh, I wonder what of those sorts of things it’s sensible for me to do these days, even falling on the padded ground could potentially cause me damage I expect.
4 hours ago:
Joseph Simpson: Hey Sam, is that you in the picture?
Now:
Me: Yep
Me: Got caught in last month’s clash
I flipped over to my browser to look through the changee interest section on the CBC site again, not really expecting anything quickly. I barely had time to get into an article about some restaurant in Toronto that was specializing in catering to people from one of three particular clashes before I got a response from Joe.
Joseph Simpson: You doing ok?
Me: Pretty good actually
Me: Lot to get used to, but I’ve been enjoying stuff mostly
Joseph Simpson: k
Joseph Simpson: You still down to do stuff this summer?
Huh, that’s a quick topic change.
Me: Maybe?
Me: I got a job that’s here so I might not be back as much this summer
Joseph Simpson: Ah
Joseph Simpson: Later
I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the interchange, he wasn’t usually so… abrupt. I had my stop coming up, so it mostly slipped from my mind as I got ready to spar, in other words, get my ass kicked by Molly.
“Eyyy Sam!” She said as I entered the gym. “Nice profile pic!”
“Thanks.” I said a bit embarrassed.
“Any backlash?” She asked as I took a posture, she had been teaching me, getting a good enough but waggling thumbs up.
“Not really? I had a weird interchange with one person back in Belwood, but otherwise not much.” I answered while working through a set of drills.
“What’s weird mean?” She asked after correcting me a couple of times.
“Uh like asking normal questions but really abruptly, he’s never been that concise before.”
“Close friend of yours?” She asked content with how I was doing.
“Not that close, we would hang out not irregularly though and he was usually proactive about asking me to do stuff.” She hummed for a second.
“Ok, random question you sure he wasn’t into you right?” She asked causing me to nearly fall over in the middle of a kick.
“What.” I said incredulously. “No way.”
“Sure, why not, can’t know from like two sentences of description but that sure sounds like it could be disappointment at you being different.”
I paused thinking; did I ever know him to have a girlfriend? Not really, but even if he did that didn’t mean he wasn’t bi or something else. Although, I thought about what I had been doing with Anna and trying to get her to come out to stuff or go to the park.
“Fuck me, maybe you’re right.” I said face palming. “I always was oblivious as fuck.”
“Well, you got Anna’s advances, right?” She said with a laugh.
“I’m pretty sure she couldn’t have been more obviously interested in me.” I pointed out. “You’ve met her. Also, not just her involved in that one, I am pretty sure I was proactive enough to count as part of it.”
“Ha, well just think of it as a learning experience.” She said with a chuckle, then cocked her head and put a thoughtful look on while holding her chin. “Would you have said yes if he explicitly asked you out before?”
I stopped thinking for a moment, pretty loudly if I guessed from Molly’s expression.
“Probably? While I was and still am attracted to girls, I didn’t not like him and what’s the worst that could happen? I learn I’m not really into that or I learn I am.” I shrugged.
“Sam, you are remarkably chill about your sexuality, in like every aspect.” She commented with a raised eyebrow.
“Meh, too much effort to get wound up about it.” I joked while starting onto another drill, not really wanting to continue awkwardly standing there.
“I’m being serious you know? Not judging you or something, but like you aren’t repressing anything right?” She looked deadly serious for once. “You know no matter what we will support you, although I won’t deny how happy you seem to be with Anna.”
I sighed. “Honestly, I have had a few conversations like this. It just genuinely seems like I am not that bound up with gender anything, maybe even the only reason I am attracted to girls is that’s what the norm was for guys and I just went with the flow.” I stood straight and looked at her dead in the eyes with a straight face. “I don’t think I could be happier than I am right now with Anna.” Then I broke into a wide mischievous grin. “But I will admit that I am still trying to see what will make her ‘jump me’ though, I want her as happy as I am.”
Molly doubled over with laughter.