Lunch went ok, I had some oil and water while everyone else was having frittata and salads. It was a bit odd to just be drinking from a mug I had filled a moment ago while they were having something that had effort put into it and looked nice. Although, that felt like an academic experience, more like looking at a flower display instead of food, pretty but no actual desire to eat it.
I wonder if I ever will get used to that.
That feeling of heightened enjoyment of my food was here again too, I remember the oil I had yesterday at the hospital being good but not this good. Maybe it’s the emotional aspect of enjoying company being more blatantly obvious, but it was nice, so I won’t complain.
I brought up a few of my self-discoveries during the conversation over lunch, although Summers had told them about the potentially silent sleeping thing so that wasn’t a shock. Kat was pretty jealous of how well rested I felt, so that’s something I can check down as a positive to my change.
That had me pause in the middle of the meal when I realized there was possibly a genuine positive to the change even if it was as stupidly mundane as feeling more rested after sleeping. Kinda messed me up for a bit, I don’t think I would have ever been ready for that to be a thing yesterday.
There were awkward pauses in the conversation after that whenever I was the subject matter, either to try and avoid the use of pronouns or to try and avoid directly addressing having changed. I can’t say I was too comfortable during those, and my thoughts would circle back to the uncertainty of my gender identity or the stark differences like drinking oil for food.
Eventually, the meal wound down, and I started to have a bit of burner flutter while looking at the bags from Kat and mom’s shopping expedition as there wasn’t any more putting it off. I didn’t know what to think about the idea of wearing feminine stuff, it’s not like I had experience with them from when been a dude. On the other hand, I was feeling quite done with pulling stuff out of my joints after every movement, so I would be willing to try anything that would get away from that.
Dad decided to focus on doing the meal clean-up once Kat pointed out I would probably have to be naked for some of it. When asked why she then bounced the question over to me by asking if I had ever actually fastened a bra behind my back or for that matter removed one from someone else. My stuttering inability to reply and heating face revealed the limits of my experiences in life.
As it turns out, either I am better at doing stuff behind my back than I thought, or if the difficulty thing is an internet meme, impossible to know which of course.
Once I had the bra on I was sorta confused as to if it was the right size or not, or if they had a point on me at all given it’s not like my metal breasts needed outside support. Mom said the fit might have been a bit off, but they weren’t uncomfortable nor did I have a burning desire to remove them so I kinda just went with it for the moment.
The panties were fine, not much different than wearing briefs I guess.
I dunno, like there’s stuff on the internet about the forbidden spark of wearing women’s clothing or some other cringy and insensitive ways of talking about it, but like it was just clothes. None of it was racy horndog stuff either, just a few different practical styles of top and bottom underwear in a few colors for going under stuff. While I was basically a doll so far as sexual characteristics go, it seemed more natural to have something on rather than remaining commando.
Social norms, I guess.
It certainly felt better than being entirely naked in front of my mom and sister.
As for the main clothes they had gotten a few different tops and bottoms, I did notice that they seemed to have decided my color scheme as being blue, purple, then any of the white to black range. Presumably going off my hair and pale skin, I didn’t have any complaints with that as I always liked blue, and purple is blue adjacent I suppose.
Working through the tops was where I had a limited selection of stuff that worked. The t-shirts didn’t work out too great, they tried to inch into my shoulder joints as I moved my arms even with a couple of different levels of elasticity. Blouses worked well enough if they had enough poofiness float over them. Sleeveless, Tank, halter, and camisole type tops worked out the best since they just bypassed the joints thing entirely, but I will admit I hadn’t been one to wear sleeveless stuff before, so it wasn’t something I was used to.
As for bottoms, Skinny jeans and yoga pants worked well enough since they just kinda were taut over my hip joints, I did die of embarrassment when Kat complimented my butt in them though. I crashed in a chair for ten minutes after that, attempting and failing to avoid fueling my sister’s mirth on the subject. At this point, mom seemed to find it hilarious too and revealed a skirt while stating that ‘the worst was yet to come’ in a voice attempting to imitate an amalgamation of movie villains.
Honestly, the skirts were fine too, it was a bit odd having bare legs, but they mostly stayed out of my joints if they weren’t exactly knee-length or something like that. The overly pleated ones could get in the way when sitting down as they bunched up under the joints but that could mostly be corrected just by pulling at them. Honestly, they were weirdly nice to wear, and I almost died from embarrassment again from admitting this to them.
They had found a few pairs of runners for me to try on my feet along with a few different pairs of socks, a couple of them fit fine so they went in the keep pile. On that topic, comfort seemed to be a far greater priority to me than masculinity, as it seems in the end as most of the stuff that went in the keep pile, were in the ‘Feminine Clothes’ category. They mostly seemed to have been right on fit too or I just didn’t notice issues as relatively few things were rejected for that reason.
We ended up having a… awkward conversation about why I wasn’t feeling crippling dysmorphia despite having been a guy my whole life until yesterday, and I will be honest and say I never felt any as a guy either. I tried to remember if I had ever actually expressed any desires or battled any inner demon that I had missed the implications of and drew up a blank. We were circling around some mixture of three things: I was so far in the closet I didn’t know I was trans, I am really blasé towards gender and mostly just followed social norms for dressing, or the change helped smooth it out as a side effect.
The irony of the conversation taking place while I was wearing a short skirt and halter top was not lost on me. I probably could have cooked an egg on my face I was so steamed up with embarrassment invoked by a mixture of not understanding if I was supposed to be more upset and the fact that there was a lot of skin revealed by the outfit.
Kat ended up taking a pretty serious tone towards the end of the when pointing out that she had some friends and awareness of a decent number of people in her social circle who had pretty bad dysmorphia experiences.
“Sam, if you feel like all of this is too much you don’t have to commit to anything right now.” She said grimly. “As entertaining as it is to play dress-up with you, I need to know we aren’t making you suffer here.”
I had to stop and think for a bit at this point, turning to look at myself in the mirror on the closet door.
Starting Chain One
Was I wearing feminine clothes?
Yes.
Were feminine clothes limited to women?
No, people should be able to wear what made them happy or comfortable.
Was I happy?
I wasn’t unhappy.
Was I comfortable?
Physically, the skirt could be a little smoother under me but no major complaints.
What about mentally?
I wasn’t used to showing skin, or my exposed joints for that matter but didn’t have any particularly negative reactions right now.
I am asking myself these questions though, is that a negative reaction?
No, I am just trying to understand what my thoughts are.
If the act of wearing feminine clothes wasn’t an issue, is seeing myself in them an issue?
Well, they look nice on the person in the mirror.
Did I feel like the person in the mirror was me?
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
Yes.
So, they look nice on me?
Yes.
So, I don’t have an issue with seeing myself in them?
Correct.
While I could have stopped there, I had the urge to follow the chain in a different direction.
Splitting from Chain One.
Is there a person reflected in the mirror?
Yes.
They are a girl, right?
Physically the description matches skipping over some details.
Is my body that of a girl as I see it?
Yes.
What about mentally?
I don’t know what it means to mentally be a girl.
Is it acting ‘girly’?
No, that is a societal construct.
Is it to do with being caring, compassionate, or the other stereotypical feminine characteristics?
No, you can be those without being male or female.
Do I have a way of firmly defining being mentally female that isn’t just a biased construct from society?
No.
If I did, does the answer change who I am?
No.
Do I want to say I am female?
I don’t know.
Do I have to decide right now?
No.
Resuming normal process.
I blinked at my image in the mirror for a moment or two.
The whirring in my head is very loud but was returning to normal, and it didn’t seem to be accompanied by any thrashing sounds and I could move my hands without issue. So, I didn’t seem to be having a panic attack, but I know I was doing something not-
Wait, I just thought of the whirring sound as being normal.
Interesting.
Oh, I forgot, I still need to respond to Kat’s question from earlier. As I turned to face them I realized they weren’t in the same spots anymore, mom was sitting on the bed and Kat was leaning on the wall next to the door. They both looked worried for some reason.
“No.” I said.
“Sorry?” Kat said taken aback, but the tension seemed to drain from mom when I said something.
“You asked if you were making me suffer.” I blinked a bit, surprised at the response. “You aren’t.”
“Sam, I asked you that twenty minutes ago.” She said incredulously.
“Huh, really?”
It took a while to convince them that I was fine, particularly since I didn’t quite feel comfortable yet telling them what I had been thinking about. They eventually relented so long as I agreed to tell them more soon. I was able to distract them by asking about there was something I could exercise in, turns out I had already tried them on. It was some blue leggings and a purple tank top with some of what I guess were sports underwear.
Never again will I declare myself observant.
They fit well enough, and I was starting to get antsy, so we ended up clipping the tags off and Kat agreed to go with me for a bit. I knew she did some running, but I don’t know anything about it besides an itching desire and a bit of time on a treadmill in the school gym when my two guy roommates and I dared ourselves to get fit.
It didn’t last long, as you can guess from my ignorance on the subject. River already regularly exercised and had been teasing us for months after that.
Kat went digging in some boxes under the bed and then handed me an old waist strap with a spot for my phone and a small water bottle then went to get changed into some older clothes she had kept here. I met her at the door having stuck a bit of coal in with my phone, just in case, even though my fuel bunkers were reasonably full of lunch still.
----------------------------------------
The spring air was pleasantly cool feeling, although Kat said it was a bit brisk to stop for long, presumably my steam generation resulted in more than enough heat for me not to be bothered by it. We did notice that my speech caused quite visible clouds of steam at this temperature though, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of that. Kat seemed to be pushing me hard even at what she claimed was a sedate pace initially, but my movements seemed to smooth out and accelerate as I warmed up.
The sunny day had brought out other people in the neighborhood even if it was still mid-afternoon on a Friday, and I felt an urge to hide every time I saw someone else. I wasn’t feeling like what I was wearing was wrong despite it being the first time I had worn feminine clothing in public, but I felt so out of place just by my general appearance that every glance felt intimidating and said that I was something other.
Talking didn’t seem to take away from moving, as it seemed like my voice was made using steam from my lines rather than exhaling. So, we started to chat about how it felt for me to be moving, I was pretty sure Kat had just started it to distract me.
I welcomed it honestly.
“Is it like how your muscles felt before the change?” She asked.
“There are similarities I guess, there’s the same feeling of warming up and then a steady-state of being able to work. But right now I still feel antsy like I’m supposed to be doing more or something.
“O-oh, you’re saying I am going too slow, are you?” She said mischievously, prompting me to steam with embarrassment.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.” I mumbled back, she laughed it off.
“If you feel we can go faster, I have no problem with that once we get on the path proper.”
She was referring to the path along the Grand River that we could merge onto just around the next bend of the road. Once we were on the path, she started to pick up speed and for a moment it felt like I couldn’t go faster despite what I had said.
Then my burners opened wider at the same time as a turbine spun up to force more air into my firebox, then to carry away that exhaust and to make use of the extra heat a secondary set of flues. The increase in steam let me accelerate so I could catch up to Kat, then pass her.
I laid off a bit and let her catch up.
“Looks like… ha… you can… go faster then… I can!” She said with a smile. “Look at… ha… that grin too!”
I hadn’t realized it until she pointed it out, but I had a wide smile on my face, the feeling of getting to move itself exhilarating.
“If you want… ha… you can go… ahead.” She said the smile having wavered.
“But then I don’t get to run with my favorite sibling!” I said while beaming at her.
“You only… ha… have one…” She started, and then the grin was back.
Twenty minutes later Kat insisted I go as fast as I could down an empty road while she was catching her breath.
As it turns out, I can go very fast.
According to my phone, I maintained 35kph for at least a couple of minutes before I had decided to turn around and go back.
I wasn’t visibly winded by it either when we were discussing it, but given my breathing and speech aren’t directly linked anymore that’s a bit cheating. I felt like I probably could have maintained the run a bit longer or a bit faster but that I would need to let the pressure build up again after that.
“That is just ridiculous.” She said with a grin, then gestured at me. “You aren’t even dripping with sweat!”
“I don’t have the ability to sweat, I think.” I began a little uncertain. “But I think I probably have operating limits based on ambient temperature and airflow. I could feel heat dumped into my coolant just building up.”
“Oh, like passive cooling instead of evaporative?”
“Yeah, I think I have a distributed radiator, but there aren’t any fans I can feel to make it dissipate faster.”
“Huh, I can feel a bit of heat off you.” She said while holding a hand near my face, turning it around so a burn-induced flinch would pull away she carefully touched my face. “Your skin feels norm… like it did before the run but the air around you is warmer”
“It’s OK Kat, I think it’s fine to say it’s normal for me.” She was wincing a bit, and I went to sit on the bench we were standing near, she followed a bit hesitantly.
“Maybe I am pushing myself too fast, what with the…” I paused to gesture at the clothes I was wearing. “But at the same time, I have thought of my internal sounds as normal today.”
I leaned back and slide my butt forward on the bench a bit while dropping my arms over the back of the bench so I could look up at the sky.
Thin streaky splashes of white drifted by above us against the wide blue vista, and I realized I had hexagonal lens flairs in my vision from the bright sun.
“I think some of it is like with the dysmorphia stuff earlier, it’s not that I wanted to be different or that I am used to this yet. But it doesn’t feel wrong either, maybe the change brought with it the subconscious memories of what is normal. Maybe I really am able to look past the physical aspect of self, I don’t know right now.”
I looked down from the sky and tried to smile at her, but I think it was a little uncertain looking.
“But being with you and mom and dad and those idiots, it feels like it’s going to be ok,” I said, my voice was getting pretty unsteady, and I realized tears were piling up in my eyes again. “Maybe not right now, but…”
I sat up properly again and started wiping away tears with my hands, I heard Kat sit down beside me and felt an arm wrap around me.
As time slipped by on the bench I was thankful there didn’t seem to be many people on this part of the path and the few that did go by seemed too focused to notice me. I am not sure I would have been able to handle stares on top of my emotions.
“Have people been staring at me, Kat?” I asked as the thought crossed my mind, she shrugged.
“Honestly less than I was expecting, either people are more used to the unusual these days or everyone who would be out exercising in the middle of a Friday afternoon are weird themselves.”
“But there are people staring at me.” I said with a sigh.
“Well yeah, your appearance is straight out of an anime.” She said, then mischievously grinned.
“Plus, you look like a cute girl.” She said spelling out each letter of cute. “The clothes suit your appearance too.”
OK, so like I have seen myself in the mirror so I don’t think I can completely disregard the last bit.
“But I look like a robot?” I said uncertainty.
“Sam.” She began grimly while putting a hand on my shoulder. “You have seen the internet, that only makes it better for some people.”
Oh no.
She’s right.
I am going to die of embarrassment.
Goodbye cruel world.
I would assume my expression was something else as Kat was roaring with laughter at this, surprised a bit at the volume I looked around to see if people were looking at us. There was the couple on the sidewalk on the other side of the road who didn’t seem to be outright staring more just surprised at the sound. Random dog walker dude with headphones on ignoring us, A runner who glanced over, and did a double-take but continued on anyway.
Huh.
Well, that could be worse, I am not sure how I will feel in a mall or something with a ton of people around, but I can handle this much I think.
I guess Kat had caught me looking around as her laughter fell off.
“I am sure you will get undesirable attention for any number of reasons.” She said glumly. “I would be dishonest if I said it will go away, I am sure you know of discrimination against changees or just for appearing to a woman. Canada is better about that stuff than a lot of places, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t an issue.”
“It’s going to hurt, but we will be here for you…” She was tearing up now. “Assuming I haven’t hurt you too.”
Oh dear, I wasn’t ready for some of the things she has said since the change, but…
“Of course not, I have been embarrassed but not hurt by something you have said or done.”
“I have been pretty inconsiderate, fuck I was just talking about you looking like a girl when you told me you were uncertain about the gender stuff.” She said with a snort.
“It’s fine.” I responded with a shrug.
“I don’t believe you.” She said with a frown.
“Sure, but I don’t feel like you’ve hurt me anyway,” I said starting to defend her. “I know you’ve been trying to distract me and be positive, and that you have been helping me as much as you can.”
“Thank you for being my sister,” I said with a smile. “I am not sure how I would be doing without you.”
This time it was my turn to be holding someone while they bawled their eyes out.